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Today I finally admitted that I'm an alcoholic

Old 09-28-2012, 09:44 AM
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Today I finally admitted that I'm an alcoholic

I woke up this morning and for the first time in my adult life, dialed a hotline and admitted that I have a problem and need help.

For the past 2 decades I have abused alcohol. I'm only 35. As a result I've lied to the people that I love, I've hurt the people that I love and I've hurt myself. I've decided to use alcohol to treat severe anxiety and depression.

I hate myself for what I've become. Although I took the first step in getting the help that I need, I'm also fearful that I'm going to lose my husband. The damage I've done may not be repairable and I'm not sure how I'm going to defeat these demons without him in my life. I'm also going to lose a few friends. I confided in two friends that I'm close with this morning and it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

My family has known for a long time that I've struggled with alcohol. I was so selfish and arrogant that I didn't listen and just ignored every attempt at help. But they're blaming themselves for not insisting I seek treatment and that makes me hate myself even more. I did this. I chose to drink. I chose to lie. I chose to deceive and hurt the people that love me.

My struggles with alcohol really took a turn for the worst over the past two years. I don't know why. Prior to that I was a functional alcoholic. I was a professional and I was able to stay sober for stretches of time. For several years my alcoholism was kept in check until Friday night. Then it would start on Thursday and eventually I was drinking daily. My family started confronting me about my problem with increasing frequency. I reacted with anger and defiance. I thought to myself, I don't have a problem, I can stop drinking if I want to so leave me alone. My next step was to start drinking vodka (more difficult to detect on the breath) and hide it. Over the past several months things got SO severe that I was starting to drink first thing in the morning and would basically just be living for the liquor store to open. My husband got me and he had enough. I now have an ultimatum a long time coming -- get help or he's gonna walk. I'm not sure why but he seems willing to stick by me if I'm willing to give me all.

I'm scared to death. I'm scared that I'm going to fail. I'm shaking as I write this. I don't know where I'm going to find the strength to turn my life around.
I'm so ashamed of myself and I can't believe I've let this happen.

It's been 18 hours since my last drink.
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Old 09-28-2012, 09:51 AM
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Your husband is giving you the ultimatum because he LOVES you. He knows what your potential is and he knows what you are capable of. I was going to write a long post, but I realized all I needed to say was, your husband loves you, remember that.
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Old 09-28-2012, 10:04 AM
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Welcome to SR vladimir. Have you spoken to your Dr about a treatment plan? I am only 10 days sober but I can tell you already that it does get better with each passing sober day ((hugs))
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Old 09-28-2012, 10:05 AM
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AA has worked for me since '89. Might just be the ticket for you as well.

All the best.

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Old 09-28-2012, 10:46 AM
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AA worked for me since 2009. It has been the ticket for countless others. The cool thing is it is free and comes with an instruction manuel
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Old 09-28-2012, 10:57 AM
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Hi Vladimir,

Welcome to SR, it's a great forum and has really helped me (only day 35 but my first and hopefully last serious attempt quitting). I'm using AVRT and as others have said AA has been a lifesaver for so many, there is a sticky with all recovery program's in the alcoholism forum. First step should be to see your doctor if possible, they may be able to help with a detox,

Keep posting,

X
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Old 09-28-2012, 11:13 AM
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Originally Posted by Vladimir View Post
I'm so ashamed of myself and I can't believe I've let this happen.
Two things. First. Don't feel ashamed. Shame is the fertile ground in which addiction thrives. If you want to keep drinking, then keep feeling ashamed of the past, because that is where it will take you...back to the bottle.

Second, you didn't let this happen. Yes, you made choices, but at some point your alcoholism let this happen. You were just a hostage. However, getting sober is something where you can say, "I did this!"

And you can.
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Old 09-28-2012, 11:23 AM
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Originally Posted by doggonecarl View Post
Two things. First. Don't feel ashamed. Shame is the fertile ground in which addiction thrives. If you want to keep drinking, then keep feeling ashamed of the past, because that is where it will take you...back to the bottle.

Second, you didn't let this happen. Yes, you made choices, but at some point your alcoholism let this happen. You were just a hostage. However, getting sober is something where you can say, "I did this!"

And you can.
Thank you so much. I've been repeating this to myself over and over again. I look forward to not feeling total and utter self-loathing some day. When I'm sober and remain committed, I know that day is coming.
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Old 09-28-2012, 11:32 AM
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Welcome! I am 36 and I thought I couldn't stop either. No matter how hard I tried. I felt defeated, ashamed, hated myself. I am smart, have a good husband, good job, etc.
Then I found SR, read alot on recovery, AA's Big Book, AVRT's Rational Recovery, Under & Beyond the Influence....stayed on SR as much as possible.
I made sobriety the most important thing in my life.
I realized & accepted I could never drink again.
I'm 8 1/2 months sober & my life is so amazing now. Peaceful, calm, happy.

I drank b/c I thought I had anxiety & depression, without realizing that is what was causing it.

You can do this! There are LOTS of people here that will tell you how they did it & why it is a MUCH better way of life.
Best wishes to you!!
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Old 09-28-2012, 11:42 AM
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I too feel ashamed at times and like everyone has said; AA DOES HELP.I have relapsed several times but I'm not giving up. My last drink was about 18 hours ago and I have been shaky today and I hate that feeling but I made the choice to drink; but today I'm not and if u don't drink today you can be proud of yourself in the morning instead of feeling ashamed!!
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Old 09-28-2012, 11:44 AM
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Originally Posted by Vladimir View Post
My struggles with alcohol really took a turn for the worst over the past two years. I don't know why. Prior to that I was a functional alcoholic. I was a professional and I was able to stay sober for stretches of time. For several years my alcoholism was kept in check until Friday night. Then it would start on Thursday and eventually I was drinking daily. My family started confronting me about my problem with increasing frequency. I reacted with anger and defiance. I thought to myself, I don't have a problem, I can stop drinking if I want to so leave me alone. My next step was to start drinking vodka (more difficult to detect on the breath) and hide it. Over the past several months things got SO severe that I was starting to drink first thing in the morning and would basically just be living for the liquor store to open. My husband got me and he had enough. I now have an ultimatum a long time coming -- get help or he's gonna walk. I'm not sure why but he seems willing to stick by me if I'm willing to give me all.

I'm scared to death. I'm scared that I'm going to fail. I'm shaking as I write this. I don't know where I'm going to find the strength to turn my life around.
I'm so ashamed of myself and I can't believe I've let this happen.
I could have written this...This is me. There is a way out.
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Old 09-28-2012, 11:52 AM
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Originally Posted by Sapling View Post
I could have written this...This is me. There is a way out.
Thank you Sapling. I'm thinking about going to an AA meeting tonight but am so afraid that I won't be able to speak and will have a total nervous breakdown. I want to go, I want to try and I know it's the right thing to do but I'm sure my legs will carry me. I'm worried about what to expect and what people will think of me.
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Old 09-28-2012, 11:58 AM
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No one will judge you.. they have all been where you are, and some of them still are! You can do this! If you have someone willing to be there with you, that's the best thing!!

(hugs)
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Old 09-28-2012, 12:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Vladimir View Post
Thank you Sapling. I'm thinking about going to an AA meeting tonight but am so afraid that I won't be able to speak and will have a total nervous breakdown. I want to go, I want to try and I know it's the right thing to do but I'm sure my legs will carry me. I'm worried about what to expect and what people will think of me.
You don't have to say a word...Nobody will expect anything from you...Nor think anything about you...They will be there to love you until you can love yourself. You'll be in a room full of wonderful people that are exactly like you....And they've all been to a first meeting.
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Old 09-28-2012, 12:04 PM
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Do you have a meeting schedule for where you live?...You can google one. If you want to find an open meeting you can bring your husband or a friend with you...Like I said...All you have to do is listen. Here is a good site to look at.

Your First AA Meeting<
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Old 09-28-2012, 12:05 PM
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I'll give you the best treatment plan in the world .........It's spelled............SPONSOR.
Theirs no such thing as a treatment plan. Don't worry about what people think , they already know, just go
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Old 09-28-2012, 12:20 PM
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Hi Vladimir. I had all those same fears and feelings, but I was 20 years older than you before I even admitted I had to stop. You are way ahead of me, and many of us here. You can turn this all around and have a wonderful life.

I agree that shame, guilt, remorse, are useless emotions that just keep us down. It's hard to rise up when we keep reliving the past and blaming ourselves for everything that's gone wrong. I did it for years, and it kept me drinking every time I tried to sober up - so I hope you won't go there. We all understand, we're all behind you - you can do this.
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Old 09-28-2012, 12:25 PM
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One thing you do not have to worry about is what people think of you. Nobody got to AA on a winning streak. You will hear story's far worse than yours if you stick around for very long.

The beauty of AA is all of those people were just like you when they first came in. Full of fear, shame and guilt. They remember what it is like and for the first time you will feel that you have found a group of people that understand you. They will not judge you they will love you

Just reach out and let them know it is your first meeting and that you are looking for help. They will do the rest.

With out any doubt AA literally saved my life. Take the first step and go to a meeting if you are like me it will be the beginning of a new life and happiness
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Old 09-28-2012, 12:25 PM
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[QUOTE=Sapling;3599089]Do you have a meeting schedule for where you live?...You can google one. If you want to find an open meeting you can bring your husband or a friend with you...Like I said...All you have to do is listen. Here is a good site to look at.

/QUOTE]

Fantastic sight, many thanks. I'm going to try to get to my first meeting tonight although I won't deny that I'm so anxious about it the thought alone makes me want to have a few drinks to drum up the courage to go. I won't do it, though, I'm going to hang in there and take my first baby step.
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Old 09-28-2012, 12:50 PM
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As a group AA's are the nicest people you will ever meet. All they want is to give you back your life.

I have so many numbers in my cell the I have to put ZZ in front of the names so I can keep track of my AA friends. The problem is they only use first names so I have Carpenter Tom, Postal Tom, Produce Tom, Crash Tom and that is just the Tom's
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