exabf contacting my family again
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
exabf contacting my family again
Hi Folks!
It has been years since I have posted anything here and I hoped that I would not need to revisit.
My exabf has been doing some bizarre stuff again and I am starting to get panic attacks again by some of it. He and I have not spoken in almost 4 years. There were crazy things that went down the first 1 1/2 years of no communication between us such as the woman he left me for stalking and harrassing me and my family. Things died down for about 2 years and for some reason the last several months his craziness is resurfacing in my life.
He has been showing up in my neighborhood (a lot), we live in different towns. Did I mention A LOT? I have been cool about this and know that he can do what he wants it doesn't have to be about me.
Then he started calling my family again with crazy stories about amazing things he has going on in his life with the woman he cheated on me with and then married. These tales are interwoven with numerous questions about me and a combination of insults and then compliments about her. Totally inconsistent and none of it makes sense. I have asked that they not tell me anymore and hope that they stop answering his calls. They say the calls they answered were accidental on their part. I cannot control this. Again, I am trying to be detached and stay away from the crazy.
However, and this was my breaking point. Yesterday, the wife of my longtime boyfriend from before the exabf emailed an invitation to a local event to my mother. There is no connection there AT ALL. Parties in different states even. Only my exabf has my mom's email address. He is the only person who could have given mom's email to the wife. This is a small local event. The exabf knows that this wife gossips about me and I stay away from her. Exabf decided to befriend my ex and this wife after he and I split. He also sought out to befriend two of my former employers, former landlord and a man I dated for a short time post exabf split.
I have written off dozens of his weird actions since our split, but this has me steamed. I feel anxious and violated that he not only continues to contact my family but has a woman who actively gossips about me (he knows as he gave her verbal ammo) contact my mom.
This is all indirect contact from him to me (or my family), and I don't know why he is doing it. Why won't he leave us alone? It took me a LONG time to get over what he did 4 years ago and I am in a much better place now. But yesterday I did have a panic attack that was triggarred by this weird email and knowing what the origin was. It is all so sneaky and manipulative.
I will continue to ignore, but does anyone know when the weird behavior stops?
Thanks
It has been years since I have posted anything here and I hoped that I would not need to revisit.
My exabf has been doing some bizarre stuff again and I am starting to get panic attacks again by some of it. He and I have not spoken in almost 4 years. There were crazy things that went down the first 1 1/2 years of no communication between us such as the woman he left me for stalking and harrassing me and my family. Things died down for about 2 years and for some reason the last several months his craziness is resurfacing in my life.
He has been showing up in my neighborhood (a lot), we live in different towns. Did I mention A LOT? I have been cool about this and know that he can do what he wants it doesn't have to be about me.
Then he started calling my family again with crazy stories about amazing things he has going on in his life with the woman he cheated on me with and then married. These tales are interwoven with numerous questions about me and a combination of insults and then compliments about her. Totally inconsistent and none of it makes sense. I have asked that they not tell me anymore and hope that they stop answering his calls. They say the calls they answered were accidental on their part. I cannot control this. Again, I am trying to be detached and stay away from the crazy.
However, and this was my breaking point. Yesterday, the wife of my longtime boyfriend from before the exabf emailed an invitation to a local event to my mother. There is no connection there AT ALL. Parties in different states even. Only my exabf has my mom's email address. He is the only person who could have given mom's email to the wife. This is a small local event. The exabf knows that this wife gossips about me and I stay away from her. Exabf decided to befriend my ex and this wife after he and I split. He also sought out to befriend two of my former employers, former landlord and a man I dated for a short time post exabf split.
I have written off dozens of his weird actions since our split, but this has me steamed. I feel anxious and violated that he not only continues to contact my family but has a woman who actively gossips about me (he knows as he gave her verbal ammo) contact my mom.
This is all indirect contact from him to me (or my family), and I don't know why he is doing it. Why won't he leave us alone? It took me a LONG time to get over what he did 4 years ago and I am in a much better place now. But yesterday I did have a panic attack that was triggarred by this weird email and knowing what the origin was. It is all so sneaky and manipulative.
I will continue to ignore, but does anyone know when the weird behavior stops?
Thanks
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Hopefully, this most recent ploy stops with your mother. Is your mother in your camp, or on the list of those who resent you? If she's on the resentment list, you really might consider leaving town for good....like before midnight.
Ok, bad western humor aside...I assume you have a loving mother that would never attend this event, not even for amusement. Good!
You seem to have racked up quite a list of intimidators and manipulators. Unfortunate that this wife of an ex is talking to this ex. You can't do anything about that, though. They're entitled.
What nobody is entitled to is to threaten or stalk you. If any behavior is either of those, then you get the authorities involved.
You must have made quite an impression on this guy that he just won't let it go after 4 years. He is crazy to still be obsessing about you. I understand panic attacks created from an ex, had one myself this week...deep breaths...release the panic with each exhale...bring in calmness with each inhale...
Their immature actions are just that, though. Unless there is serious threatening actions, or stalking, I would give them the big ignore.
Please tell your mother not to respond to this email...they won't know that that email is still valid if she ignores the invite.
The problem I see is that your family continues to listen to this guy via phone. If they hung up on him, he would stop. Then calling you to tell you about it...sit them down and tell them that this stuff upsets you, and would they please stop their part in communicating with him and/or relating it to you!
Find your peace with good friends from your camp!
Ok, bad western humor aside...I assume you have a loving mother that would never attend this event, not even for amusement. Good!
You seem to have racked up quite a list of intimidators and manipulators. Unfortunate that this wife of an ex is talking to this ex. You can't do anything about that, though. They're entitled.
What nobody is entitled to is to threaten or stalk you. If any behavior is either of those, then you get the authorities involved.
You must have made quite an impression on this guy that he just won't let it go after 4 years. He is crazy to still be obsessing about you. I understand panic attacks created from an ex, had one myself this week...deep breaths...release the panic with each exhale...bring in calmness with each inhale...
Their immature actions are just that, though. Unless there is serious threatening actions, or stalking, I would give them the big ignore.
Please tell your mother not to respond to this email...they won't know that that email is still valid if she ignores the invite.
The problem I see is that your family continues to listen to this guy via phone. If they hung up on him, he would stop. Then calling you to tell you about it...sit them down and tell them that this stuff upsets you, and would they please stop their part in communicating with him and/or relating it to you!
Find your peace with good friends from your camp!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
The problem I see is that your family continues to listen to this guy via phone. If they hung up on him, he would stop. Then calling you to tell you about it...sit them down and tell them that this stuff upsets you, and would they please stop their part in communicating with him and/or relating it to you!
^^^^^This!^^^^^
^^^^^This!^^^^^
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Glad you have a place where you can post questions, and I hope you find the answers to help you muddle through this.
It seems to me there are two routes you can take. Either do as listed above, and be firm with your family. However, my family never complies with that! Even my kids tell me when they see my ex around.
Or you can grow a thick skin to it all, and fast! Try not to emotionally react to someone else's craziness. Keep your eyes wide open for any behavior that feels threatening, but go on with your life in spite of his behavior. Unfortunately, there isn't much we can do unless it becomes a legality like stalking, of which you'd need some proof.
He's crazy, and it doesn't matter why. He just is. Acceptance of that makes it easier to let the other stuff go.
I am sorry you are having to go through this, 4 years out of the mess. Prayers for peace,
~T
It seems to me there are two routes you can take. Either do as listed above, and be firm with your family. However, my family never complies with that! Even my kids tell me when they see my ex around.
Or you can grow a thick skin to it all, and fast! Try not to emotionally react to someone else's craziness. Keep your eyes wide open for any behavior that feels threatening, but go on with your life in spite of his behavior. Unfortunately, there isn't much we can do unless it becomes a legality like stalking, of which you'd need some proof.
He's crazy, and it doesn't matter why. He just is. Acceptance of that makes it easier to let the other stuff go.
I am sorry you are having to go through this, 4 years out of the mess. Prayers for peace,
~T
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Thanks everyone!
You guys are right that I need to continue to ignore. He ceased contact with my family for about a year and I really thought the bs had stopped. About 6 months ago, I started seeing him around the corner from my home and felt that was odd but he had done that a few years back but eventually stopped. About 5 months ago the phone calls to my family started back. Most calls to my knowledge went ignored but several were answered and relayed to me. I have been very good about saying that I don't need to know.
I know how he works and how he charms people into doing what he wants. He can be relentless with praise and flattery, which seems to work well for him to manipulate people. I see it with clear vision now and although my family said they did too, I see them engaging him at times and falling back into old routines. Maybe it is selfish, but I do feel betrayed by them talking to him after what he did to me.
I don't think you are supposed to draw a line in the sand and say you can talk to him or me, but not both. But, that is what I would like to say to them.
For those folks who have more than 4 years out, do yoiur exa's tend to boomarang back into your life even in a tangential way? Does anyone know why they try to come back even if it is just peripherial (spelling?)?
I am fine when there is no mention or sight of him, but when I spend years separating all aspects of my life from his and he needles his way back in...it puts me in a tizzy!
Okay. I will do yoga and take a bath. Thanks for everyone out there.
You guys are right that I need to continue to ignore. He ceased contact with my family for about a year and I really thought the bs had stopped. About 6 months ago, I started seeing him around the corner from my home and felt that was odd but he had done that a few years back but eventually stopped. About 5 months ago the phone calls to my family started back. Most calls to my knowledge went ignored but several were answered and relayed to me. I have been very good about saying that I don't need to know.
I know how he works and how he charms people into doing what he wants. He can be relentless with praise and flattery, which seems to work well for him to manipulate people. I see it with clear vision now and although my family said they did too, I see them engaging him at times and falling back into old routines. Maybe it is selfish, but I do feel betrayed by them talking to him after what he did to me.
I don't think you are supposed to draw a line in the sand and say you can talk to him or me, but not both. But, that is what I would like to say to them.
For those folks who have more than 4 years out, do yoiur exa's tend to boomarang back into your life even in a tangential way? Does anyone know why they try to come back even if it is just peripherial (spelling?)?
I am fine when there is no mention or sight of him, but when I spend years separating all aspects of my life from his and he needles his way back in...it puts me in a tizzy!
Okay. I will do yoga and take a bath. Thanks for everyone out there.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 720
Sorry you are going through this!
First thing to get down is that you will Never understand why he engages in this behavior and even if you did it wouldn't help you out any. As for how long this will go on.....no formula for that either I don't think. Not to scare you but I have an ex who loves to stalk. Sometimes he was active about it by following me and showing up at my door - those things I reported to the police. (that stopped about 12 yrs ago) Most times he just liked to drop off cards and letters. With the advent of social media he has tried to contact me, my ex husband, my kids.......
I mostly find it pathetic. All of my family knows to ignore him - we all let each other know if he attempts contact so that we know he is "active" again but none of us expends any energy on him at all. He is harmless......just annoying and obviously has some "issues". He pops up for a bit and then goes away for long stretches of time since he doesn't get any traction with anyone. How long has this been going on......about 33yrs.
Let go of it and encourage others in your life to do the same. He sounds harmless and attention seeking. If it escalates into anything direct and actual stalking report it immediately!!
First thing to get down is that you will Never understand why he engages in this behavior and even if you did it wouldn't help you out any. As for how long this will go on.....no formula for that either I don't think. Not to scare you but I have an ex who loves to stalk. Sometimes he was active about it by following me and showing up at my door - those things I reported to the police. (that stopped about 12 yrs ago) Most times he just liked to drop off cards and letters. With the advent of social media he has tried to contact me, my ex husband, my kids.......
I mostly find it pathetic. All of my family knows to ignore him - we all let each other know if he attempts contact so that we know he is "active" again but none of us expends any energy on him at all. He is harmless......just annoying and obviously has some "issues". He pops up for a bit and then goes away for long stretches of time since he doesn't get any traction with anyone. How long has this been going on......about 33yrs.
Let go of it and encourage others in your life to do the same. He sounds harmless and attention seeking. If it escalates into anything direct and actual stalking report it immediately!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
33 years, huh? That is quite a long time. Uggghhhhh. Thanks for your advice.
I have this underlying feeling that he will circle back from time to time as he has zero boundaries and no acknowledgement that he has ever done anything wrong. I guess I am still trying to accept that no matter what I do or don't do, he will continue to peak in and out of my life as he pleases.
I have this underlying feeling that he will circle back from time to time as he has zero boundaries and no acknowledgement that he has ever done anything wrong. I guess I am still trying to accept that no matter what I do or don't do, he will continue to peak in and out of my life as he pleases.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Hi MissFixit,
Sounds like you have a pretty clear idea as to why he behaves this way,zero boundaries and no acknowledgement of his part.
All you can do is takecare of as best you can and try and let the rest go.
Good luck
Ngaire
Sounds like you have a pretty clear idea as to why he behaves this way,zero boundaries and no acknowledgement of his part.
All you can do is takecare of as best you can and try and let the rest go.
Good luck
Ngaire
Originally Posted by MissFixit 
33 years, huh? That is quite a long time. Uggghhhhh. Thanks for your advice.
I have this underlying feeling that he will circle back from time to time as he has zero boundaries and no acknowledgement that he has ever done anything wrong. I guess I am still trying to accept that no matter what I do or don't do, he will continue to peak in and out of my life as he pleases.
I have this underlying feeling that he will circle back from time to time as he has zero boundaries and no acknowledgement that he has ever done anything wrong. I guess I am still trying to accept that no matter what I do or don't do, he will continue to peak in and out of my life as he pleases.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
((MissFixIt))
I do remember you.
Use his wacko behavior as confirmation -you took a wise decision before.
He may appear in your life indirectly but he has not been welcome in your heart for a while now, where it counts.
Xabf never came back. And I feel this is a great blessing.
Continue being the strong woman that you are.
Hugs
Tc999
I do remember you.
Use his wacko behavior as confirmation -you took a wise decision before.
He may appear in your life indirectly but he has not been welcome in your heart for a while now, where it counts.
Xabf never came back. And I feel this is a great blessing.
Continue being the strong woman that you are.
Hugs
Tc999
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
No they aren't. My family really loved him and blamed meat first when things with us deteriorated. They still miss him and I do not think fully understand alcoholism or its effects. I wish they would scare him off or at least tell him off, but they don't do that.
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