ForeverOptimist

I've been a member here for a few weeks but haven't really shared my story. Today I am just feeling really defeated and figured I would come here and find some support.

I am married to what you might call a "nice" alcoholic. He is not physically abusive and only occassionally mean when he drinks. Most of the time he just gets depressed when he drinks. Or he gets obnoxious and thinks he is the life of the party. He was at his worst last fall and is somewhat better now (as his Mom reminds me constantly) but I still think much of his behavior is unacceptable. It will never be OK with me for him to be drunk at the dinner table or around our kids AT ALL (ages 5 and 7). It will never be OK with me to see him drink during the work day (he works at home). It will never be OK with me that he hides alcohol from me. It will never be OK with me that he can't keep a job and refuses to see what the real problem is. It will never be OK with me that he gets selfish and obnoxious when he drinks and I'm the only one who ever witnesses it -- so I'm the only one who ever tells you the truth. It will never be OK with me that he daily drinks 2 bottles of wine and it's destroying his health (another thing that he refuses to see the real problem). My problem is that I am constantly made to feel (from him) that I am too hard on him and I need to give him another chance and he is really trying to cut back and he's going through a hard time and... you get the picture. He also does help out around the house a little now and expects me to be OK with the rest of it because "Look at everything I do for YOU." Yes... except the one thing that I really need to you do for the sake of our family.

This all started 3 1/2 years ago when he had his first job loss and I guess I'm just feeling so tired of it all. I go to Alanon and I've gone to therapy on my own and at times I feel strong but other times (like today) I just feel so beaten down by it all. I'm the one who witnesses the worst of it and I feel like it would confuse our kids so much if I ever left (or kicked him out). They love their Dad so much and I can't bear the thought that they would he heartbroken at the break up of our family. On top of the guilt that I feel about them, I actually feel so much guilt regarding my AH. He is truly struggling with life right now and I feel like I would be abandoning him in a crisis if I left. I feel like he is right that I would be a bad and selfish wife. But I just feel such a burden being responsible for the emotional well being of everyone in the family. It's too much.

I told him this much a few days ago. He's upset because he sees that I am more myself and happier when with my friends or talking to my family. So I told him honestly that I needed them in my life because they gave me a support that he is not capable of right now. So then came the promises of how things are going to be different and he is turning over a new leaf. And how I need to take down my wall and let him in. (As much as I try to work on myself, he just sees it as selfish and it certainly hasn't inspired him to do the same.) Well... he went on a trip to visit family and you can guess what happened (heard it in his voice every time I spoke to him). Now he is on his way home today and I just dread it.

Obviously I'm just venting here. But any advice is appreciated. I don't know how to work through the guilt I have over our relationship crumbling. He will see it as all my fault. He'll never connect it to his drinking. I also feel like he is right -- he is not the worst alcoholic out there. Things could be a lot worse. I'm made to feel like I expect too much from him.

BlueSkies1

"Honey, I know that you feel badly that you aren't on a good career path right now. I know it hurts your self-esteem. But can you understand that getting highly intoxicated everyday is not helping the problem, but making it worse? You are on your way to full-blown alcoholism if you continue down this path."
Have you had that conversation? I don't know if your H is an alcoholic yet, or simply an abuser.
Do you have insurance? Can he see a psychologist? You could recommend it.
I see your story as one of an alcoholic in the making, but someone who isn't there yet...so it is important that he sees the light now. Therefore I do not recommend backing off or letting him be. I recommend getting in his face about it, but in as loving a manner as possible.
Now you may have already done that, I don't know. If you have already talked to him until you are blue in the face, then how about family intervention? Including your family, his family, and friends that realize this is a problem?
Thing is, it has to be nipped in the bud, or he will become a full-blown alcoholic if he practices it enough!
If you can't do an intervention, and/or you have exhausted all other ideas and suggestions you may receive here, then I would hand him an AA pamplet everyday of the week, like a frickin' broken record, and never miss a single day.
Some people will tell you that he has to want it himself, but I think this is for later stage alcoholics. I think you need to bring this up every single day, no relief for him from your "baggering".
Don't give him a single day off from your request that he seek help...silence is condonement...don't be complacent, don't simply accept it.

I see this situation as that you have to grow this tough backbone that it seems all people with an alcoholic spouse end up growing...whether they want to or not it happens! We become bitter by their actions and refusal to acknowledge their problem! There is no place for guilt when you are not the alcohol abuser. He will make your life miserable if you don't get in his face everyday about this, so what do you have to lose? He's already making you miserable! So get in his face everyday until he acts...get in his face telling him it's because I love you that I won't back down on this.

ForeverOptimist

Thank you for posting. Yes, I have had that conversation -- and many others like it. He has been confronted by family and friends which usually leads to him not speaking to them anymore. He has been to a therapist and we have been to marriage counseling. He's had plenty of moments due to drinking that I would think would be "rock bottom": broken ankle, DUI, multiple job losses including his latest 2 weeks ago. He just never wants to see the elephant in the room. I even made the analogy recently and told him that the elephant exists and takes up too much room in our house and his solution is to keep moving the furniture out of the way so we won't be so crowded! It doesn't solve the problem of the elephant. He says he gets it... and then goes and pours a drink.

I believe he is an alcoholic because once he takes that first drink he can't stop. Even when he tells me he won't drink anymore tonight -- he goes right for another one.

You are so right though. I am often silently suffering and almost afraid to nag him. But I'm not happy now in our relationship, so what I am so worried about?

BlueSkies1

Well he's definitely vascillating from the denial stage to acknowledging he has a problem. So, I think YOU, the woman, has to be the man in the family right now...what I mean by that is, don't let up! He will find you so obnoxious to give him an AA pamplet everyday that he will either do something about it, or remove himself from the house to get away from it.
Don't suffer in silence! I tried that...nag for six months, suffer in silence for six months to see if that would create a different reaction...it didn't...letting them go on status quo for them is like condonement! Oh good, I can drink and she has quit her nagging! That didn't nothing for me but made me feel my feelings didn't count at all, that he held all the control in our household, and that I was powerless and had no say in the matter.

HopefulmomtoD

I'm so sorry. I have an alcoholic 22 yo son. You have to think of your children and do what is best for you and them. He may choose recovery or he may not- how many years do you want to wait and hope that he will eventually wake up and do what is best for your family? Stop thinking of him and start planning what is best for you and the kids.

He's had plenty of consequences and has not stopped drinking. Maybe losing his family will wake him up?

ShootingStar1

What do YOU want? Take him out of the equation, and spend some time thinking about, maybe writing down, what you need and want for yourself. Then for your children.

Then think about, maybe write down what YOU have to do to get what you need and want. Don't factor him in at all.

Then compare what you've got to what you need. I think this will be very enlightening to you.

Right now, you are doing what I so often do, to my own great detriment. Before I look at an issue from solely my own point of view, I adopt my AH's point of view, and then I look at MY problem through what I think the lens of HIS perspective would be.

Kind of nuts, but he has trained me to look out for him, not for me. That's what we need to break out of.

BothSidesNow

celticgenes

I agree with BSN. You have to decide what kind of life is right for you and your KIDS. As an adult child of an A, I can tell you, the dysfunction does not go unnoticed by them. Stability, structure, peace and consistency might more than make up for them missing their Dad. They are already "missing" him if he absents himself with alcohol on a daily basis.

I truly sucks to have to make these hard choices. Only you can know what your personal boundaries are. I hear a lot of apologizing, excusing, and minimizing his A behavior. As my therapist once said, let's pick the bar for acceptable behavior up off the floor.

I wish you luck in your long journey. And I wish your husband luck. He has a tremendous amount to lose.

Hugs

lillamy

Read the thread on what children learn in the homeschool of alcoholism. Seriously. I didn't think my kids were harmed. I thought we kept AXH's alcoholism away from them. I thought they were fine and I was the only one suffering. That was not true. What they grew up with will affect them for the rest of their lives.

In my book, the best thing the spouse of an alcoholic can do for their children is to LEAVE THE ALCOHOLIC. Whatever trauma the kids go through in a divorce is peanuts compared to the incredible daily stress they experience in an alcoholic family.

OF COURSE it's too much. And of course he's going to tell you you're bad and selfish if you want to leave. Because you're pulling the whole damn train here. You're not only the emotional engine of the family, you're also the one pulling in the money and allowing him a comfortable place to keep drinking.

Without you, he'd have to either straighten out his act or end up on the street. Which is not comfortable. So doing whatever manipulative stuff he needs to do to keep you chained to the wagon and keep things together, he will do. His only focus is on the addiction. Everything he does and says serves to preserve the addiction. He doesn't care about YOU, he doesn't care about the KIDS, he doesn't care about HIMSELF as much as he cares about BEING ABLE TO CONTINUE DRINKING.

Sound harsh?
Well... I'm dealing with the emotional, mental, and physical fallout, in my children and in myself, of having lived with an alcoholic. For me, it was only 20 years. For the kids, it was their entire life, up till 2 1/2 years ago.

If you've been to Al-Anon, you know you have no control over his drinking. You also know you have no responsibility for taking care of another adult. He has free will, he can choose what he wants his life to look like. So can you.

You have EVERY RIGHT to leave. Every right to take yourself and your children out of a dysfunctional situation.

I'm not telling you to do it. I'm only saying the guilt you're feeling is false guilt. Imposed on you by an addict. Your responsibility is to yourself and to your children. And "they'll suffer in the divorce and they'll miss their dad" kept me in my marriage for years. When I finally left, two of the kids said, "I wish you had done that a long time ago, Mom."

Keep building your strength. You say he's a "nice" alcoholic but telling you that you're a bad wife for thinking of creating a life without the influence of addiction is far from nice. It's abusive.

RoundII

Optimist,
I struggle with the same pain as you. My "nice" AW is the most wonderful, loving, fun, smartest person I have ever had the honor of knowing BUT is suffering from the same addiction. I too have had the many conversations about my feelings and boundaries and go to Alanon meetings (although not often enough).
I have had all of my boundaries we discussed met, EXCEPT the one dealing with her addiction. My boundary is that she at least TRY. That is work a program to help fight this disease. She has been to rehab, and knows the progression of this, but is still unable to take the final step of sobriety for more than a week or so at a time.
I don't really think she is trying hard enough (to meet my expectation), yet I have not yet reached the point where I say " no alcohol period, or I will leave". The main reason (although there are no kids) is because of all the qualities listed above.
How I wish she was abusive or destructive or even mean or something so it would give me the courage to draw that final line. I know many people here will say just leave the situation...it is best for both of you, but everyone's situation is different. I still hold out hope that my and your situation gets better, and that the A's in our lives will find recovery.
In the meantime all I can do is try to get relief and recovery for myself, and try to set my boundaries to a point that I can live with and be happy. Of course I always reserve the right to change my boundaries if they are not working for me. My AW's situation is deteriorating, and I hope is near her bottom point. I know I am nearing my bottom point of the tolerance I extend while she is fighting this personal battle. I would like to see her come through this without us separating or divorcing, but I cannot guarantee that will be the case. I know at some point this will be too much for me to bear and I will need to take that leap, but that is not today.
Today I have a sufficient quantity of serenity in my life to continue on the same path.
I wish you the best.