Alcoholic relapse
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: California
Posts: 13
Alcoholic relapse
My husband and I have been married for 34 years. In the last six years he has been through detoxes and/or rehabs 6-8 times. The last time was the longest rehab for four months and I really thought he was changed. I thought he was sober for the last six months. I found out he had been smoking something called Spice. When I asked him about it recently he said there were some bad things about it so he had stopped. On Tuesday night I found two bottles of wine in his closet. He has been diagnosed with cirrhosis and hepatitis c already affecting his liver. I asked him if he thought it was a good idea to be drinking. He responded with I can't change him and he would do whatever he wanted to do. I said I know I can't change you but I have of boundary that if there was drinking again I wouldn't live in the same house any longer. I said he needed to move out but he said he couldn't until next year when he gets his social security. Then 15 minutes later I went in the garage and he had a jar of plant substance. He tried to hide it but realized I saw it and I said what is that and he said weed. I walked away and have decided I need to see a lawyer about what steps to take.
I have always been against divorce but there really isn't a marriage anymore. I have always tried to leave things alone and Let God but I just feel now with my boundary crossed I have to do something.
My question is, am I rushing into separating while a beginner in alanon. They say to wait 6-9 months but I feel I can't bear to see him progress and falling down, bleeding, and passing out at home all the time. I feel like I have to take some action quickly before things are really out of control like they were the last time. His words and actions are telling me that we are over. Some say relapse is normal but how much can one person take.
I have always been against divorce but there really isn't a marriage anymore. I have always tried to leave things alone and Let God but I just feel now with my boundary crossed I have to do something.
My question is, am I rushing into separating while a beginner in alanon. They say to wait 6-9 months but I feel I can't bear to see him progress and falling down, bleeding, and passing out at home all the time. I feel like I have to take some action quickly before things are really out of control like they were the last time. His words and actions are telling me that we are over. Some say relapse is normal but how much can one person take.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: California
Posts: 13
On top of all this my daughter went to alcohol rehab two weeks ago. She is now in a sober living and doing great but this is all too much for her. She loves her dad but is being told home is toxic for her.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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Relapse is normal. It's a normal part of addiction. If he has been to detox/rehab 6-8 times in the last 6 years, I wouldn't consider it a relapse anyway. It sounds like he has been continually using with only short breaks.
It doesn't sound like he has any intention of seeking recovery, so, knowing that, you have to do whatever is best for you. While you may be a beginner at al-anon, you are not a beginner at living with addiction. Again, you have to do the best thing for yourself because he flat out told you he is going to do whatever he wants.
I'm sorry you are going through this, but I think your idea of contacting an attorney to discuss your options is a good one. Regardless of what you decide to do in the long run, it is always wise to have knowledge of your legal options.
It doesn't sound like he has any intention of seeking recovery, so, knowing that, you have to do whatever is best for you. While you may be a beginner at al-anon, you are not a beginner at living with addiction. Again, you have to do the best thing for yourself because he flat out told you he is going to do whatever he wants.
I'm sorry you are going through this, but I think your idea of contacting an attorney to discuss your options is a good one. Regardless of what you decide to do in the long run, it is always wise to have knowledge of your legal options.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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There is no reason to wait 6 or 9 months if your situation calls for you to take action sooner, or now. There are no rules that you have to follow except one: take care of yourself so that you can heal.
Welcome to SoberRecovery; it is an awesome forum with caring, knowledgeable people who have been, or are now, where you are. It has saved my life.
My AH and I have been married almost 20 years; he is 69 and I am 62, and his drinking escalated into very abusive alcoholism, and he added a porn addiction to that. I left home suddenly and permanently on July 4th when he charged a lot of money for porn on my credit card and the fraud squad called me to verify the charge. That was the end for me. I filed for divorce shortly after, and despite his continued aggravation, I am much happier. I was happier even for the 8 weeks I only had two folding lawn chairs and tables, and an air mattress.
Your idea of going to a lawyer is very wise; if you don't have one, get some recommendations, and many of them will give you a free consultation. If you can take the time to get your own credit card and bank account, and collect the financial papers and information you will need, that is very helpful.
We're all here with you and for you. You might ask for a sponsor at Alanon if you don't have one, even a temporary one to give you some guidance and one on one attention.
BothSidesNow
Welcome to SoberRecovery; it is an awesome forum with caring, knowledgeable people who have been, or are now, where you are. It has saved my life.
My AH and I have been married almost 20 years; he is 69 and I am 62, and his drinking escalated into very abusive alcoholism, and he added a porn addiction to that. I left home suddenly and permanently on July 4th when he charged a lot of money for porn on my credit card and the fraud squad called me to verify the charge. That was the end for me. I filed for divorce shortly after, and despite his continued aggravation, I am much happier. I was happier even for the 8 weeks I only had two folding lawn chairs and tables, and an air mattress.
Your idea of going to a lawyer is very wise; if you don't have one, get some recommendations, and many of them will give you a free consultation. If you can take the time to get your own credit card and bank account, and collect the financial papers and information you will need, that is very helpful.
We're all here with you and for you. You might ask for a sponsor at Alanon if you don't have one, even a temporary one to give you some guidance and one on one attention.
BothSidesNow
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
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Think about the fact that you made a huge decision already. Congratulations! Now you have more time to reflect, at a distance by yourself, and with help from Al-Anon and SR, what your options are. Talking to a lawyer to get the legal lay of the land is good. But remember, time is on Your side now. You need not make two huge decisions back to back. Easy Does It as we say in Al-Anon. More will be revealed. Take care of the rest of You in the meantime.
All the best, and save us a lawn chair so we can sit & chat!
All the best, and save us a lawn chair so we can sit & chat!
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Alanon has suggestions for making changes to your life, but you have 34 years with this man, and there is nothing in alanon that is going to teach you more about your husband--you are the expert on him.
What alanon can do is help you put the focus back on living a sane life yourself. If you could use the strength of others to help you sort out having lived with an alcoholic, and could benefit from a group therapy type situation, then alanon could benefit you. If you want to connect to people who have lived through similar situations, then alanon is for you.
But what alanon will not do is tell you when it is time to leave a situation. If you have had enough, then this is where individual counseling would have more impact. Alanon helps mostly people who are actively living with an alcoholic. Individual therapy is probably much better for big life transitions such as leaving an alcholic.
What alanon can do is help you put the focus back on living a sane life yourself. If you could use the strength of others to help you sort out having lived with an alcoholic, and could benefit from a group therapy type situation, then alanon could benefit you. If you want to connect to people who have lived through similar situations, then alanon is for you.
But what alanon will not do is tell you when it is time to leave a situation. If you have had enough, then this is where individual counseling would have more impact. Alanon helps mostly people who are actively living with an alcoholic. Individual therapy is probably much better for big life transitions such as leaving an alcholic.
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