trust
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 183
trust
I am struggling with trust with my wife. We just got back together. Weird thing is i dont really have a reason NOT to trust her, I have given her multiple reasons not to trust me from when i was drinking and in denial of my mental health problems. We still dont live together, she's going to be at her moms for awhile and won't ever move back into our apartment again due to bad memories in it. I can understand. So when we will finally live together again is unclear. We have two beautiful infant twin babies together.
Anyway I get this sick feeling like she is going to leave me for another man at any moment. It hurts my heart. She knows I have trust issues and has told me countless times she doesn't want anyone else and married me because she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. I hear her tell me these things and it makes me feel good temporarily but that feeling creeps back in. The feeling of rejection, abandonment. I'm trying this time to be completely open with her, hide nothing. I love her very much and I was shady in the past because of my trust issues I didn't let her completely in. But now I am.
Last night I offered for her to save gas and just stay here from Monday to wednesday when she dropped the babies off (Tues and wed is my weekend) and she refused to stay. Even tho she just spent the night this past Monday. I dunno. I'm scared to trust her especially since her emotions are all over the map right now. And its causing serious cravings. Rejection is a big trigger of mine. Possibly stemming from my dad dying when I was 15. I'm not sure. I won't drink today I've made it halfway thru day 9. Just needed to get this off my chest. Thanks. Any advice is welcome.
Anyway I get this sick feeling like she is going to leave me for another man at any moment. It hurts my heart. She knows I have trust issues and has told me countless times she doesn't want anyone else and married me because she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. I hear her tell me these things and it makes me feel good temporarily but that feeling creeps back in. The feeling of rejection, abandonment. I'm trying this time to be completely open with her, hide nothing. I love her very much and I was shady in the past because of my trust issues I didn't let her completely in. But now I am.
Last night I offered for her to save gas and just stay here from Monday to wednesday when she dropped the babies off (Tues and wed is my weekend) and she refused to stay. Even tho she just spent the night this past Monday. I dunno. I'm scared to trust her especially since her emotions are all over the map right now. And its causing serious cravings. Rejection is a big trigger of mine. Possibly stemming from my dad dying when I was 15. I'm not sure. I won't drink today I've made it halfway thru day 9. Just needed to get this off my chest. Thanks. Any advice is welcome.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I'm sorry for your pain lefthook - I know it must be hard.
One of the hardest parts of my recovery was dealing with the consequences of my many years of drinking...many people did not trust me, they did not forgive me, and many people openly despised me.
It's especially hard to deal with that when those people are people you love...but I knew, just as I had a recovery process, so did they...and it just wasn't my place to set the timetable for their healing.
It's a hard lesson...but it's a good one for my continued sobriety.
If your wife is telling you she has no interest in other men and she's making an effort for you to be a part of your children's lives, I think you have some good signs there...but let your wife work out how she feels. Allow her her recovery.
There are no guarantees....but it certainly won't hurt for you to get your stuff together and keep it that way.
The best thing any of us can do is stay sober, keep improving ourselves, get as close as we can to the man we want to be...and hope (and pray) that things will turn out.
(I was never big on faith before, but that was another recovery lesson)
D
One of the hardest parts of my recovery was dealing with the consequences of my many years of drinking...many people did not trust me, they did not forgive me, and many people openly despised me.
It's especially hard to deal with that when those people are people you love...but I knew, just as I had a recovery process, so did they...and it just wasn't my place to set the timetable for their healing.
It's a hard lesson...but it's a good one for my continued sobriety.
If your wife is telling you she has no interest in other men and she's making an effort for you to be a part of your children's lives, I think you have some good signs there...but let your wife work out how she feels. Allow her her recovery.
There are no guarantees....but it certainly won't hurt for you to get your stuff together and keep it that way.
The best thing any of us can do is stay sober, keep improving ourselves, get as close as we can to the man we want to be...and hope (and pray) that things will turn out.
(I was never big on faith before, but that was another recovery lesson)
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 183
Dee thank you so much. That really helped put things in perspective. You're right I need to let her recover too she is a human and got damaged pretty bad from infidelity, not physical but I was unfaithful bottom line. It hurt her badly. Sometimes I forget that other people feel pain like i do, I guess because I've been so wrapped up in my own sorrow I'm not use to having room for other peoples feelings. I'll give her time. and yes staying sober and bettering myself is what needs to happen regardless of my marriage. I will continue to be a bad husband if I make no changes anyway. I have all the excuses in the world to pick up that bottle but not one good REASON why I shouldn't stay sober and continue healing. This is gonna be a long process its a mess upstairs.
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