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Old 09-27-2012, 12:02 PM
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Not Quite New

I'm not a newcomer to SR nor to recovery. For the most part I've stayed away from chemical use and for the most part am doing well with not being tempted. But today, right now, triggers abound and wow do I feel like fleeing into the woods to escape everything.

Over two decades I've built my small business to what it is today. Tonight my work is being recognized...at a wine dinner featuring me as the guest of honor. I've never had trouble with alcohol and do expect to indulge in a bit of wine (it's a 7-course meal with wine served between every course!) This is not my concern. What troubles me is the overwhelming urge to retreat, to hide, as I always used to. I'd like nothing more right now than to take refuge in my former ways and hide inside my own head, away from everyone and everything.

Such is why I'm here now. To distract myself as the hours approach before departure time. If I can make it that far I'll only have a couple hours to go before it's all over. I have to speak at this event which is nerve-wracking. It's also a great honor and opportunity, for which I'm grateful. Honestly right now however, I feel sick. Shaky even. And what do I do tomorrow if this night is a disaster. You know where I'll be wanting to go.
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Old 09-27-2012, 12:54 PM
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Since writing nearly an hour ago I've managed to distract myself by reading and writing here, chain-smoking an ungodly string of cigarettes, and scrubbing the kitchen floor. And then returned here in hopes of support or encouragement or words of advice or something. I don't know. Just help. Really now I just want to hide from everything. I don't think there's any help for me. I suppose it's time to just resign myself to the fact I'll always be this way and the best I can do is learn to live with it. Maybe that's all any of us as addicts can do. They say there's recovery, and while I've seen it in others, this blissful state of being they arrive at after successfully changing their lives to not include drugs, that's not the way it is for me. Oh well, externally my life is good, and I'm grateful for that.
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Old 09-27-2012, 03:17 PM
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Welcome back Andisa

I think some people can just stop...and that's all they need to do for their lives to be fine. I had to go and dig a little deeper...

I had that same need to escape, to run and hide...it was evident in a lot of things throughout my life....

By exploring that, facing it, and tracing it to its core, I was able to deal with it....

there was always a huge hole inside of me that I tried to fill with drugs and booze and a million other things...

recovery to me means no longer trying vainly to fill that hole - but healing it.

Don't give up hope of healing andisa

D
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Old 09-27-2012, 04:54 PM
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Many people are afraid of public speaking and being in the spotlight. It would make me want to run and hide too, and it has nothing to do with drugs or alcohol. I just dislike it intensely. I guess just focus on being yourself, after all, they are honoring you as they know you and are proud of your accomplishments. Hopefully it's not a really long event and you can tell yourself "I can hide as soon as it's over". If you have the fortitude to build a business in this economy, you can get through the event-you have the coping skills already. Try to enjoy it
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Old 09-27-2012, 07:45 PM
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I think a lot of people would have the same feelings, andisa.... I'd be a nervous wreck, too. (Probably doesn't make you feel any better!)

If you know what you want to say, you can always write it down, word for word, and read it when you get up there. That's probably what I would do. But some of the best speakers I've heard are the ones who are the most real and vulnerable, so you can always talk about how scary it is to be the center of attention but how grateful you are for everyone that's supported you along the way.

Stay in the moment as much as possible. Chances are, it will go smoothly and you'll rock it!
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Old 09-27-2012, 07:57 PM
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Originally Posted by andisa View Post
They say there's recovery, and while I've seen it in others, this blissful state of being they arrive at after successfully changing their lives to not include drugs, that's not the way it is for me.
I don't buy that....I don't think it's something that is handed to anyone....But if you want it and you are willing to do what it takes to get it...It's yours....It's as simple as that. I'd love to hear how your talk went.
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Old 09-28-2012, 03:04 AM
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Grateful to you three for hearing me. I think that's all I needed, or wanted, or whatever it was that got me so worked up, was to know someone was listening. I didn't need drugs. I thought I wanted them but that was simply old thinking. I knew better, just forgot when the pressure felt so intensely inescapable.

Having done public speaking before I knew I could handle it and that I would, even though I really didn't want to yesterday afternoon. The whole event turned out to be such an honor. I met many wonderful people who so appreciate what I do and showered me with thanks and praise for contributing what I do to enrich their lives. I do what I do largely for that reason, because I love my work so much and it makes people very happy. All around win-win.

Thank you for being here people at SR. You did help get me through another tough time and despite almost no sleep after the late night I feel strong. Now off to work.
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Old 09-28-2012, 05:15 AM
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Very cool...Have a great day andisa....I'm glad it went well.
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