Saint Francis

I've been a member of SR for several years, but always on the "Friends and Families of A's" side. I was always focusing on AH and his severe drinking problem and horrible consequences, but trying to focus on myself. But there was always a crisis and accompanying anxiety. So I found a way to focus on myself, live one day at a time, and distance myself physically and emotionally from the BS....you got it! I started drinking excessively. Ironic, it is, in a way...turning to the "thing" that ruined my and my husband's life. So here I am on the other side, "the dark side" acknowledging my own weakness and wanting to do better.

I continued to watch my husband deteriorate, the physical problems are a long list. I coped the best way I could. No excuses. Many friends witnesses the verbal abuses and health problems from AH, they would say, "The only way I could handle staying in that situation is to drink myself." So I did. Nice, huh?

Then one day, September 10, I just stopped. No major event...just thoughtful reflection on how alcohol has ruined so many of my friends' lives and my husband's, how it was numbing me to the point of not taking any action because I can't think straight long enough to make any long term decisions or action plans. Just quit and never drink again. I guess it's close to AVRT. I really just don't want to go to meetings, but I miss the support and hope maybe I can find it here.

I've experienced AA vicariously with friends and husband and Al-Anon for myself. It seems most take the "I am powerless" too far and use it as an excuse for other bad behavior or for an excuse to relapse. Or, in my husband's case, to claim to go to a meeting and really just go to buy beer and drink it.

Personally, I want to be Powerful, not Powerless. I don't want feel like a victim anymore. I want God's assistance to help me resist the urge to drink and shut off the voice. I want God to help my husband. I probably just can't surrender my will over to a higher power. God's will will happen either way with or without my "surrendering." I can't imagine it's God's will to allow alcoholics to suffer, and in some cases die. People are born with free will. The person has to use his or her own will to stop the madness and stop making the conscious decisions to partake in the selfish act of ingesting alcohol.

I am just hoping to have support without "doing the steps." I'm certainly not judging any form of treatment or programs. I just want to take responsibility for myself and my actions. Can anyone relate? Or can anyone point me in a direction that will be helpful? Thanks.

neferkamichael

You already know you have support here Saint Francis. I know one man who quit drinking 30 years ago and has never been to any kind of meeting whatsoever, and another with 10 years and has never been to a meeting. You'll quit if you want to. Rootin for ya.

artsoul

Hi Saint Francis and welcome (to the "other side")

There are a lot of us who don't go to AA. I use SR and AVRT mostly, along with mindfulness and it works for me. I think the important thing is finding something you can do on a regular basis that works for you. I also sought professional help for some underlying issues (depression and insomnia).

I don't have any problem with admitting that I'm "powerless" over alcohol, in that I've accepted I can't drink like other people. I don't feel powerless as a person, though. I understand what you're saying and I think you'll find others who have similar feelings.

Congrats on your decision to get sober!

Dee74

Welcome to this side of things St Francis.

I haven't used AA either, although I respect it greatly, and it's saved the lives of many of my friends here

You'll find a variety of different methods at play here in Newcomers.

I especially recommend you also visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.

glad to have you posting with us

D

Saint Francis

Thanks, Dee, for pointing me in the right direction. "I am not alone."