lala27

Hello all. I've been talking to stbeab about how it's not good for our 4 year old daughter to be around his drinking and how its not fair for her or I to keep putting up with this and if he doesn't quit then I want him to move out of here. He seems to be finally getting it and said that when he gets his financial aid check he will move out. Well, that day came today. I thought I was prepared to do this, but now I am consumed with fear. I don't know how I am going to be a single mother and work and go to nursing school. I also have a lot of guilt about everything. Some of the guilt is coming from worry that he is only going to go downhill once he's out, but I know that's not warranted. Most of the guilt is about what this is going to do do dd. They are very close and I know this will rip her world apart. I've been talking to him about his role in her life if his drinking continues to get worse. Right now he watches her while I am at work, I said if he is not reliable or if he is drinking while he is watching her then I will find a permenant babysitter. This means he will mostly be out of her life. She knows there has been talk about him moving out and has been asking questions. I told her that I would never keep them apart and she will continue to see him if he chooses. I hate that I may have to go back on my word. I went through terrible custody battles w/ my parents, my mom tried keeping us from our dad and I never wanted to be that person. I know if it comes down to this I am ultimately making the best decision for her, but I still feel horrible for having to do that.

I am also having a hard time wrapping my head around all this. He is so aware of his problems and has repeatedly expressed his desire to quit, and has tried several times, but is unsuccessful. Does he not want it bad enough? Is he not strong enough? One of his old friends was telling me that when he was young he dealt with his problems pretty well, now he just can't deal with anything. I just can't believe how downhill he's gone & is going. If he isn't strong enough, then there is no hope of him getti g better, is there?

suki44883

If he truly wants recovery, he will get it. He isn't an eight year old child, he is a grown man who can pick up a phone and call for help. He can find an AA meeting. He can call his doctor. He isn't helpless.

He can be a good father to his daughter even if he isn't living with you. It all depends on what he chooses to do. It all has to come from inside him, and what he decides to DO, not say, will tell you the truth.

lala27

Thanks for the reply Suki. That is part of the reason he needs to move out, so he can deal with the consequences of his actions. Being a good father to our dd is one of the last (& most important) things he has to lose. Time will tell if he can get better or not. Until then I am stuck in limbo, not knowing whether I will be totally alone in parenting or not. It's a great source of fear & anxiety for me.

Florence

I have found that single parenthood is far more desirable for everyone involved than trying to force unhappy, unwilling people to have a relationship together for the sake of the children. When it gets overwhelming, take some time for yourself, even if just a few minutes, and remind yourself how capable and courageous you are to do what's right for your daughter. Then do you thing, girl.

I was a single mom for a long time before I got married, and I was pretty good at it (mostly). I'm easing back in again and realized that I missed the independence. There are definitely hidden benefits to being a single mom.

angelwithhorns

Lala, don't stay stuck in limbo, waiting to see if he is going to get sober or not. Let it go, start the healing process for you and your daughter now! You can't love him sober, I've learned that the hard way. If he gets sober and stays sober for a good amount of time and you guys decide then that the relationship is something you want to work on, the GREAT! But don't confine yourself to waiting, you'll be waiting a loooooong time. I seen a quote on here from someone that was very helpful to me, it said, "If its important to you, you will find a way. If not, you will find an excuse." You have found a way, you are on here looking for support, you have probably done everything in your power to help your AB, there is nothing more you can do, except let go and start the healing process for you and your daughter. I hope this isn't too direct, sometimes I come off that way. If I did, I didn't mean to, I just know exactly what you are going through.

P.S. Once he moves out it is going to be soooo hard for the first couple weeks, but I promise you, each day gets better, each day you find more clarity and each day you realize that not living together was the best step you could have made. Hang in there!

angelwithhorns

Lala, don't stay stuck in limbo, waiting to see if he is going to get sober or not. Let it go, start the healing process for you and your daughter now! You can't love him sober, I've learned that the hard way. If he gets sober and stays sober for a good amount of time and you guys decide then that the relationship is something you want to work on, the GREAT! But don't confine yourself to waiting, you'll be waiting a loooooong time. I seen a quote on here from someone that was very helpful to me, it said, "If its important to you, you will find a way. If not, you will find an excuse." You have found a way, you are on here looking for support, you have probably done everything in your power to help your AB, there is nothing more you can do, except let go and start the healing process for you and your daughter. I hope this isn't too direct, sometimes I come off that way. If I did, I didn't mean to, I just know exactly what you are going through.

P.S. Once he moves out it is going to be soooo hard for the first couple weeks, but I promise you, each day gets better, each day you find more clarity and each day you realize that not living together was the best step you could have made. Hang in there!

lala27

Thanks guys, both of you are spot on. What is giving me the most anxiety is nursing school. It is so hard and there is so much work involved. If I fail one class I am out. There is really a lot of pressure on nursing students. It's hard enough for students with supportive families, let alone students w/ no children. I have worked so hard to get in & have so much invested, I don't know what I'd do if I failed out. I know dd is the most important thing, and I am making the best choice for her. But I still have a lot of anxieties about everything.

He said that he hasn't started to look for a place yet, but "promised" he'd start today. He also said that he has a problem and just can't stop , although he wants to. I told him that if he wanted it bad enough he'd find a way to quit. Instead he's sinking in more & more in between periods of light drinking. I don't know if there is a part of him that wants to quit or if he is just appeasing me. I know, it really doesn't matter at this point. Anyhow, I need to figure out alternate plans for if he doesn't get his bum outta here.

Thanks all for listening and letting me vent.

Tuffgirl

Can you afford a babysitter? I found a lot of mine at my local U, where I attended when my kids were little, through the Early Childhood Ed dept. Also talk with your program director about alternatives available to students for childcare. There are options out there - you are not stuck if he moves out.

P.S. I bartered with my babysitters; they all did their laundry at my house in return for a lower hourly price.

lala27

If i cut back I can afford to pay the household bills w/out his support, but I couldn't afford babysitting while I am at work. She is at preschool while I am at school, so that's taken care of. I work late so I definitely need in home care.. That's a great idea about the laundry, another benefit of having a washer & dryer I hadn't thought of! But If he doesnt move out one option I am considering is moving in with my mom or dad, so that possibly could be out. Also, I have built a support system w/ my neighbors here, so i may be giving that up. I really hope it doesn't come down to that. I am going to talk to the landlady about how I can get his name off the lease on Monday, I am friends with her daughter so she knows our whole situation. I'm not sure how that is going to work out. It amazes me, as much as we have talked about our problems and him moving out & as much as he seems to understand at the moment, he'll act totally surprised the next minute about everything. For instance he said to me that he is going to catch up on household bills & pay for des child care when he gets his check . I said "will you still have enough money to move out?" Later on he told a mutual friend that comment took him by surprise. And today I came home from work & took dd somewhere and later he told me he was pissed I didn't invite him. Umm, we've been pretty much broken up for how long? And you never want to go anywhere with us anyway, so why bother? He just isn't facing reality about the situation yet, which I know is a problem. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest, it helps.