kthopkt

Running. My addiction is running, literally running on my two feet. I do this repeatedly until my tears have blended with my sweat & I am too exhausted to feel the pain anymore. This is my release. By brother is a runner also & he has been running for a really long time, longer than I have. However, he doesn't run in the convential form, instead, he runs from life with the aide of a syringe and a white crystal powder. We are both on a path but we are heading in vert different directions.

My brother tuned 36 today. Yesterday was the first time I had spoken with him in 7 months. I wasn't ignoring him...he was avoiding me. I didn't have a clue where he was or how to contact him until yesterday. I finally convinced one of his contacts to give me his phone number so I could call & wish him a happy birthday. I knew why he was avoiding me...I didnt' need to ask him that. I merely wanted to talk to him so I could tell I still loved him. BUT, a strange sequence of events happened...he came right out and told me about his addiction. He said, "I have been avoiding you because I am right back at it...I knew you wouldn't like it," & "this life style is working for me now...I have it under control." "I get to see my children & I have different places I can stay for a couple days at at time...plus, I am no longer hallucinating so people are not afraid to have me in there home." "Don't try to change me...don't get your hopes up or have any expectations...this is who I am & who I have been for so longggg." He also said, "I will probably be ending up in jail soon again." I asked him why and he said it was because of the way he is living his life; that he sees things and interacts with bad people. Obviously he is in denial. He was justifying his drug use but here is the thing, why would he be so honest with me? Is this a cry for help? Also, when I told him that I continue to pray for him & that I will never give up hope, he became silent. Why the silence, could it be possible that he was really thinking about what I had said?

Any feedback? Thanks.

gurlie214

It's funny you wrote this because I was JUST thinking about when my RAH "took the truth serum" one time and decided to be totally honest with me about his use. He said it was because of the extreme guilt he felt for keeping such a deep, dark secret from me for so long. He just wanted to be honest. It was very shortly thereafter that he got help, went to rehab, turned his life around (for now anyway). Not that I am doubting him, just cautiously optimistic! Could it be that your brother is tired of running? Based on some of the things he told you like "this lifestyle is working for me now", I can't help but wonder if he just decided to be upfront. Who knows? As many of the other, more experienced members have said repeatedly, it's impossible to know what an adict is thinking or try to put any real logic to it. Either way, I am proud of you for calling him, staying sane, not trying to fix him, etc. It's hard! God knows it's hard!

kthopkt

Thank you for replying. You are absolutely right a/b my never knowing for sure why by brother came clean about his use. He has never done that before and may never again. I pray that it means he is close to hitting bottom like your RAH, but only time will tell. I find that it is all too easy to psychoanalyze our addict. My biggest fear is missing his cry for help. When I spoke to him I couldn't help but to question whether or not he was being so honest because he wants help. Do I need to wait for him to say it loud and clear? I wish I knew when the right time was to step in and help

Thanks Again!

kthopkt

Now, just over 5 years later, I am back on here posting. The above post was my 1st one on this site & at a time when I was sooo broken. I thought it might be helpful to others if I posted an update about my life & my brothers. Today my brother was released from prison & he was sent to a halfway house. He finished his 3rd incarceration - this time for 2 years. Of course his addiction lead him to prison as she was stealing to support his habit. Right now he is doing really well & we are getting along much better. Even though things are different now, I don't know what to expect once he leave the half-way house. After I posted on here in 2012, things did not get better. In fact, they got worse. I am surprised he still living but grateful. Going back through my posts makes me so sad & makes me realize how SICK I was! I spent almost an entire decade of my life worrying sick about my brother & trying to change him. It took a year of intensive therapy to shine light on how sick I was. My advice to others - PLEASE GET HELP FOR YOURSELF NOW!!! I cannot emphasize this enough. As a codependent, you will become as sick as the addict in your life. You CANNOT change them, SO STOP TRYING! I am speaking from 10 years of experience. I tried, and tried, and tried more. I even stopped trying. None of it mattered b/c he continued to do what he wanted. The biggest thing I lost was myself. It is not selfish to focus on yourself & to try & be happy. I will write more later but wanted to at least reach out after 5 years of not being on here.

AnvilheadII

wow, it is always an HONOR when a poster returns to SR with an update! five years and you remembered us! and we remember you.

i am glad YOU are doing well. i hope your brother does well too!

Ann

My son, who is missing in his addiction somewhere, is probably on the same path as your brother has been.

I am glad your brother found his way out, at least for now, and it gives me hope that one day my son may also "have enough" and reach out for recovery.

God bless your brother. God bless you for sharing your story update here. This codie is grateful.

kthopkt

Thanks Ann...I am sorry you are dealing with an addicted son. I used this site so much in the beginning and it did help. Just knowing others were going through the same thing I was meant a lot. I wish you & your son the best.

kthopkt

I have been using this old post to keep others updated on my brother's progress, or lack of. I am grateful this site keeps our posts because it is a great way to reflect on how we felt in the past. This past January, 2018, I posted about how my brother was being released from prison and going to a halfway house. He has since been released.

While he was at the halfway house, he was doing "ok." I say ok because he was working full-time; often with overtime. When we talked about our mother's death, he cried, which was the first time ever. However, there were other signs he hadn't really changed. Someone once told me that sobriety and recovery were two different things. Any how, he wasn't following the rules 100%. He somehow got a smartphone, even though he was only allowed to use a flip phone without data. He was also occasionally getting rides back from work when he was supposed to use the busing system. He created a Facebook account and had made contact with old connections. There were just small things here I found concerning.

He found out he was going to be released from the half-way house a month early and he was only given two weeks to find a place to live. He reached out to me for help and told me he wanted to stay close to his job, which was over an hour from our hometown. I thought this was great because to me it showed he wanted to stay away from his old stomping grounds. I jumped on board and began searching for an apartment for him. I let my work and school work slide and spent countless hours calling apartments trying to find someone who would take a felon. For a week and a half I searched constantly & I even began reaching out to charities for furniture. I didn't have any luck because no one wants to take a felon. My brother had a found a place that might work with him, so I reached out to them. They finally agreed to rent to him if I cosigned for six months. I had a long conversation with my husband & he agreed we could do it because if we didn't, no one would.

This was the same time everything went downhill. The very day I found out he had a place to live, he would't answer his phone or text me back. I was so excited but couldn't get ahold of him. By this time he had already been released from the half-way house, for about two days, and was staying in a motel supposedly still going to work. He eventually called me back & that is when the red flags started to go up. Something seemed off. He was talking over me, his voice was hoarse, and he said he needed to see the place before making a decision. But, he said he was ready to get his own place. All he needed to do was meet the realtor at the apartment to sign paperwork & I was going to drive the three hours to meet him. He said he would check the place out and call me the evening. He never called.

The next day I didn't hear from him. I sent him several texts to call me and to contact the realtor or he was going to lose the apartment. I even called his boss to see if he had been at work. His boss was a reference for the apartment, so I had his number. His boss said he hadn't been in. He finally sent me text telling me I needed to contact the realtor "since I had been doing all of the leg work." I told him he might have already lost his chance and he told me "it was my fault he was going to be homeless."

That is the last communication I have had with him since June 17. He hasn't reached out to me one time.

This situation has completely changed me. I no longer feel sorry for him. I feel as though he used me the entire time he was in the half-way house (I bought him over $200 in clothes and bought his bus ticket for three months in a row), and he stringed me along making believe he wanted a new life.

Lessons I learned:

WE CANNOT MAKE A LIFE FOR SOMEONE THAT WE WANT THEM TO HAVE - THEY CAN. ONLY MAKE THEIR OWN LIFE!

IF WE ARE PUTTING MORE EFFORT INTO THEIR SOBRIETY THAN THEY ARE, THEY ARE NOT READY FOR RECOVERY

ADDICTION IS MORE THAN DRUG USE, IT IS ALSO A LIFESTYLE THAT SOME PEOPLE PREFER

There are other contributing factors to his relapse, in my opinion. For one, the half way house saved a percentage of his salary & he received $3,000 upon release. The money was supposed to be used for housing, but why give drug addicts a large sum of money and not help them acclimate into the "new" world. Also, I heard from family that my brother had reached out to his daughter's mother and asked to come see them. She said he couldn't come to her house, but that if he found somewhere else to see them, he could. This may have been a trigger for him. He also reached out to my aunt and asked if he could spend the night & she said no.

I don't know if my brother's relapses was premeditated or accidental, but I know I cannot go back to my old habits of worrying about him incessantly. I fear the next time I post on hear he will not be alive, but I must move on and live my own life.

hopeful4

I see a lot of wisdom in your posts. There is a reason that halfway houses have such strict rules. They are there for a reason. Thing is, there will always be triggers. The only way there will not is to live in a bubble. An addict has to decide that they will recover, even amongst the triggers, or not. It's their own decision.

You did all you could to help. Now turn him over to God and himself to make his decisions.

Big hugs to you.

kthopkt

Follow-up: 3 years since my last post and 9 years since my first. Many of the questions people ask on here is regarding what they should do about their loved one who is suffering from addiction and what to expect as time goes on. I wish I had the perfect advice to offer you and a success story to share. The truth is, addiction is a disease that will likely be a life-long battle for those afflicted. My brother is still unwell and is now serving a 3-year prison sentence related to a crime he committed while using. Since my last post from 3 years ago, he was arrested again and went to prison a 4th time. Once he was released, he entered a great program offered by the city which helped him get on his feet. He had a small apartment and a part-time job, and his life seemed to be looking up. Then COVID hit and his NA meetings were cancelled, which resulted in a relapse The program he was in anticipated a relapse and offered him help a 2nd time by putting him in a half-way house. But, he kept violating the rules and was then sent to prison. Rumor has it that he was threatening other men in the half-way house. The moral of the story is he, like other addicts, are fighting an illness that is not fully understood. My heart goes out to both addicts and their families because I know how difficult it is. My heart breaks for my brother on a daily basis. His addiction has permanently changed him. He now has a violent streak that was never their when he was a kid and regular seizures. I now accept my brother as he is. I don't offer advice, or judge him for using drugs or making mistakes. He may not have a long life and want to be there for him as long as I can. If change is to happen, it will come from him and a higher power. I have learned the importance of boundaries and more importantly, the significance of simply showing acceptance and love. Please remember it is ok to say no and separate yourself from the situation. The disease will progress no matter what you do or don't do. Take care of yourself and be a positive roll model. Make sure you show acceptance and kindness when you can.

edoering

Wow. This most recent update brought me to read this thread, and the honesty over time is so helpful to see.

When I feel heartbroken that my AH wants to leave me and I grieve what feels like the loss of the life we built, I look at long journeys like this and realize important things. Mainly that this disease can mean years of gradual losses, or sudden, major loss. Or both. There’s no “happy ending” that I’m missing. There’s no magic words I can say to avoid the hard parts. There’s just what’s happening and trying to handle it as best I can.

Thank you for this story over so many years to help me see the bigger picture.

Bowielover7

This is such a sad thread that will hit home with many.
There was a person in my life that I adored and every time he disappeared, I knew what he was up to. After many rehab stints and a psych hospital, my guess he is back at it. But it shifted from coke to meth and I worry that he’s going deeper into the rabbit hole. I guess after 20 years of alcohol and drug abuse it’s not abnormal to go for the harder drugs. He’s changed, his brain is different than when I met him and he is unfortunate and without empathy.
it’s an awful thing to witness. Praying for your brother and all those affected by this mysterious disease.

kthopkt

Thank you, Bowielover7. I am sorry to hear about your story and challenges with your person. I appreciate the prayers and will do the same for you. Please take care of yourself.

kthopkt

Thank you, Edoering. I hope that my posts(s) may help you and others. Everyone's situation is different, but I think it is important to understand the disease component of addiction. Even those who are fortunate enough to achieve sobriety, will have the lifelong struggles related to their underlying disease. If I could go back in time, I would have tried taken better care of myself. I was so consumed with saving my brother, I became as sick as he was. Please take care of yourself. Prayers to you.

mkr86

I too have been on here since 2012.
The wisdom on this site is invaluable.
thank you for sharing your experience over so many years. I have been On/Off with a man I love for 10 years and I end up heartbroken every time I go back. but I’ve never been strong enough to leave for good. It’s good for me to be reminded that for some people, recovery is not an option. Not because it isn’t available to them but because they will never make that choice.