SSHope

Right now I am feeling like a terrible daughter. Last night my father and I got into an argument involving my brother and his addiction. I had received a phone call earlier in the evening from my brother's XGF in regards to a recent decision she had made involving their son. Up until now my she has allowed my parents to provide supervision for my nephew's visitation with his father (my AB). This weekend my brother took my nephew "to the store" without my parents being with him. However, before the going to the store he took my nephew to the bank, cashed in one of my nephew's savings bonds, told him it was a "surprise" and that he shouldn't tell his mom. While I cannot prove it, I am fairly certain he used the money to buy drugs. When nephew's mom called my parents to ask about it, my parents told my brother that he had to leave their home immediately. Of course that has now changed. As a result, my nephew's mom is not comfortable with my parents providing supervision for these visits anymore. She told both myself and my parents that she is not angry with them, and actually feels badly that my brother manipulated them into taking my nephew without supervision. However, when she called my parents to tell them that she was no longer comfortable with them providing the supervision, they made her feel like garbage. They told her that she was punishing them, and that she must not love them because her decision shows she doesn't. They accused her of keeping my nephew from his father. She told them that she would not do that, and instead he was welcome to come to her house to see his son. She even said that my brother could stay with her for the weekend if he wanted.

After her conversation with them, she called me. She was feeling like a terrible person. After hearing what my father had said to her, I called my father furious that he would treat her that way. (I know that I shouldn't have.) In the course of the conversation my father said that he felt it was unfair that my husband and I don't let our 11 yr old daughter go to their house to visit. I explained that she does not visit with them because she is allowed to have no contact with my brother. Since my brother lives with them, she can not go to their house. To be clear, we have NEVER told my parents that they can not see our daughter. They are welcome to come to our house, and are even welcome to pick her up and take her out to do things.

My husband and I have made the decision to allow no contact between my daughter and her uncle for several reasons. First, after telling my brother how upset she was to find out he was using drugs, the first time he saw her after everything came out he was high. Second, while I have no proof of continued drug use, although I believe he is using, his behavior has been unacceptable. Third, if he is using, then it is possible that drugs are present in my parent's home, and we do not want our daughter in a place where that is possible. We have never said that my brother can never have contact with my daughter again, but have said that when he shows that he is truly committed to recovery she may see him again.

Now, I know that I shouldn't have called my father when I was angry. I promised my brother that I would always protect my nephew, and I felt as though his best interest was not being considered by my parents. My brother's ex has no family to support her through this, and now that my parents have said these things I feel that she needs someone in her corner. She is trying to make decisions that protect her son, just as I am trying to protect my daughter. Is it wrong for me to support her? Especially when she has been so good about trying to keep a relationship going between my nephew and my brother?

I am going to call my parents this morning and let them know that I no longer want to discuss my brother with them. I can't take it anymore. I will also reinforce that my daughter may see them at our house or that they may take her for the day so long as my brother is not present. Right now I feel as though addiction is destroying my relationship with my family. I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences.

gurlie214

Oh wow! I am so sorry you are in this place. I agree with Cynical, you can not trust your parents judgement at this point regarding anything to do with your brother. They are just not capable of seeing the truth if they allowed your brother to take your nephew to the store/bank solo. I totally agree with every choice you have made, even calling your parents last night. I think you are right to protect your ex-sister-in-law! Especially knowing she has no family nearby. It sounds like she is totally committed to taking the best possible care of her son and she needs support! Your parents were wrong to manipulate her! But, sometimes parents are just blind when it comes to their own children. Stand your ground and stick to your guns because from what I see, you are doing everything right! I would not allow my daughter in their home either (as long as brother could be around). Such a divisive thing addiction is! It has busted up my family for years! I hate drugs! Hugs to you and thanks for your post! I believe it will give others in your position strength and insight!

Tinks65

sounds like you and your brothers ex have healthy boundaries. Its unfortunate that your parents are still being manipulated by him but maybe in time they will see the truth. I think it is wonderful that you are supportive of the ex and your nephew.

outtolunch

Your brother, the bio dad, cashed in one of his son's bonds? Do I have this right? Does the child's mom know this? It does not matter what he used the money for. It's wrong.

Court supervised visitation paid for by your brother, is really a sound decision. Given the child's mom seems OK with the bio dad moving back in with her, sounds like she is not done yet and unlikely to enforce boundaries to protect her child.

Also sounds like your parents persist in the belief they can love their son, your brother, well. If only it were that easy. None of us would be here. Instead, they are likely contributing to their son's addiction. Not much you can do about this.

It does not sound as though your parents are firing on all pins, right now. It would make me uncomfortable to allow codependent enablers to pick up my child for a visit.

Under the circumstances, refusing to participate in convos that relate to your brother sounds like a healthy boundary for you.

Faithlove

I think you are wonderful!

I know what it's like to be in your nephew's mom's place. It's horrible to not have great support from your own family and then to be thought of as some hateful witch by the in-laws for setting healthy boundaries. It almost makes a person think about comprimising their boundaries.

I agree with everything you've done, including calling your father. If possible, keep a relationship with your nephew's mom. She's probably feeling pretty lonely. Maybe she could join SR?

interrupted

Hi SSHope. I think your boundaries sound good, and I think it's great that you're supporting your brother's ex's decision to go no contact with your parents. I would do the exact same thing if I were her, although I would absolutely not allow your brother anywhere near my house or my child. Maybe she could be reminded that it's okay to deny parental visitation to someone who is on drugs.

In my family I am the one who is "negative" and "closed-minded" and "hurtful" for not allowing drug addicts in my home, or supporting their latest false recovery. (Recovery in my family apparently includes constant drug abuse. Yeah. You can't make this stuff up.) I bet she appreciates your support.

I agree also that suggesting she press charges isn't a bad idea. Your brother is a thief, he shouldn't be allowed to get away with that.

SSHope

Thank you all so much for your kind words and thoughts. After that phone call I was feeling like a terrible person and was questioning my decisions. My parents keep telling me they are going to go to Nar-Anon. I told them that saying and doing are two separate things. My mom is a complete wreck, and my dad is trying to protect her. They tell me that my brother hasn't done any drugs since he returned from rehab (his first time going). I refused to argue about it and said that either way his recent behavior is unacceptable. I briefly saw my brother today and he acted like he wouldn't pee on me if I was on fire. Oh well. Can honestly say it is making it harder to detach. Thank you again, and I will pass along your idea regarding the savings bond. I didn't even think about it being theft that you could press charges for. I was just thinking about how low it is that he stole from his son!