Scared for him and feel so guilty
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Join Date: Sep 2008
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Scared for him and feel so guilty
The last I wrote here was that my ABF and I were in the process or moving to Canada for the next three years for my job, but that he was turned away from the border for an old DUI (yeah, irony). I dropped him with his family and went to Canada by myself (and my pups) for now. We were going to work on things when things got a bit settled for me. I have been supporting him (and his drinking) for years and right now I am so much in debt that I held back with giving him money, hoping he would be able to make some money (he works online, so he does have the occasional income). Things were actually looking pretty well - he got stuff in order, made some money, etc.
Just now he tells me he is done with his family forever, but doesn't tell me why. He is flying back to the other coast (where we lived the past two years) to work on a project with someone (that is looking very promising) and might spend some month in Europe to work on a project there (he lived there for a long time).
I am scared for him because he sounds so dark and angry (he can't drink much because right now he doesn't have much money) and he is out of medication. It's not my problem, I know. And it's actually a good plan...he works on his stuff from a distance and I work on mine. I don't mind the long distance too much, but I don't know if I should really hold on to this relationship. He is so troubled with childhood abuse and military combat and PTSD, a former crack addiction, etc. etc. My head know exactly that if he doesn't go into serious rehab, something bad will likely happen (he will kill himself or go to jail). Not today or tomorrow, but eventually. I can't be glue to hold it together anymore. It's too hard to be responsible for another adult. At the same time I feel bad for not sending him money to help out although all my credit cards are maxed out.
I have ranted and raved about him and his alcoholic ways here, but right now I am so sad for us because we could be so great together (and were for some time). It breaks my heart that he is so broken and it's hard to tell myself that I can't fix it. I need to go to Alanon and see a therapist, but it's so scary. I just moved here, I am lonely, I miss my old life with him, and today of all evenings my dogs are staying overnight at doggie daycare. I am so afraid of the future, I have a temporary job, I am on a temporary visa (I have been on temporary visas for the past 12 years....it's hard to never have any stability or long-term security), my family is thousands of miles away and I have to be strong and I am so sick of alway being strong. Sorry, I am just so freaking co-dependent, UGH!
Right now I just want to pack a suitcase and go home to my mummy....
Just now he tells me he is done with his family forever, but doesn't tell me why. He is flying back to the other coast (where we lived the past two years) to work on a project with someone (that is looking very promising) and might spend some month in Europe to work on a project there (he lived there for a long time).
I am scared for him because he sounds so dark and angry (he can't drink much because right now he doesn't have much money) and he is out of medication. It's not my problem, I know. And it's actually a good plan...he works on his stuff from a distance and I work on mine. I don't mind the long distance too much, but I don't know if I should really hold on to this relationship. He is so troubled with childhood abuse and military combat and PTSD, a former crack addiction, etc. etc. My head know exactly that if he doesn't go into serious rehab, something bad will likely happen (he will kill himself or go to jail). Not today or tomorrow, but eventually. I can't be glue to hold it together anymore. It's too hard to be responsible for another adult. At the same time I feel bad for not sending him money to help out although all my credit cards are maxed out.
I have ranted and raved about him and his alcoholic ways here, but right now I am so sad for us because we could be so great together (and were for some time). It breaks my heart that he is so broken and it's hard to tell myself that I can't fix it. I need to go to Alanon and see a therapist, but it's so scary. I just moved here, I am lonely, I miss my old life with him, and today of all evenings my dogs are staying overnight at doggie daycare. I am so afraid of the future, I have a temporary job, I am on a temporary visa (I have been on temporary visas for the past 12 years....it's hard to never have any stability or long-term security), my family is thousands of miles away and I have to be strong and I am so sick of alway being strong. Sorry, I am just so freaking co-dependent, UGH!
Right now I just want to pack a suitcase and go home to my mummy....
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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You're beautiful and kind and thoughtful and giving, you're a wonderful person. No beating yourself up. Love yourself. Just keep loving yourself.
I have no answers for you, this is your path, but I guess what I would ask you is if you had a daughter and she was in this exact situation with this man - what would you tell her to do?
Do that. Mother you. You deserve a good protective Mom.
I have no answers for you, this is your path, but I guess what I would ask you is if you had a daughter and she was in this exact situation with this man - what would you tell her to do?
Do that. Mother you. You deserve a good protective Mom.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
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I wish I had something more to say but it's 3 AM and my brain is shutting down.
I just want you to know that you deserve better then someone who is in active addiction and who isn't treating you how you deserve to be treated.
You SHOULD NOT give him a single penny, that only enables his drinking and his problem. It's HIS FAULT he doesn't have money. If you gave him money he would just use if for booze and that hurts both of you.
You have nothing to feel guilty about, you didn't do anything wrong. But I understand that sometimes we feel things that are completely irrational especially when we fall in love with a an addict/alcoholic.
I also just moved to someplace new where I don't know anyone and it is hard. But I do think the distance is good for both of you. He needs to hit rock bottom and he needs to make the decision to get sober. You can't do that for him and by helping him drink you're only hurting him more.
I agree about Al Anon I think it's really important you go. And keep reaching out here and to friends and see if there's ways to get to know people in the area so you can form some positive connections.
Sorry I can't be more helpful right now I just got hit with a wave of exhaustion. Just take care of yourself, think about what YOU need for once because you sounds like a wonderful, kind-heated girl with a lot of love to give, you just gotta remember to love yourself
I just want you to know that you deserve better then someone who is in active addiction and who isn't treating you how you deserve to be treated.
You SHOULD NOT give him a single penny, that only enables his drinking and his problem. It's HIS FAULT he doesn't have money. If you gave him money he would just use if for booze and that hurts both of you.
You have nothing to feel guilty about, you didn't do anything wrong. But I understand that sometimes we feel things that are completely irrational especially when we fall in love with a an addict/alcoholic.
I also just moved to someplace new where I don't know anyone and it is hard. But I do think the distance is good for both of you. He needs to hit rock bottom and he needs to make the decision to get sober. You can't do that for him and by helping him drink you're only hurting him more.
I agree about Al Anon I think it's really important you go. And keep reaching out here and to friends and see if there's ways to get to know people in the area so you can form some positive connections.
Sorry I can't be more helpful right now I just got hit with a wave of exhaustion. Just take care of yourself, think about what YOU need for once because you sounds like a wonderful, kind-heated girl with a lot of love to give, you just gotta remember to love yourself
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Thank you! <3
I think if I am very honest, I am freaking out because I felt he was safe while he was with his family. My immediate concern was that something will happen, something bad because nobody can protect him. On the other hand I know he will be ok (or not ok, which might be ok, too, for a time). I just can't stand not helping. And I miss him a lot.
Thank you for your post. I really need to practice what I preach to others, but there are boxes all over this house, it's a mess, and I can't get up the energy to do anything about. I should probably just hire two people for a couple of hours to unpack and move and assemble furniture for me. That would be a start for self-pampering? Ordering people around my new place...?
I think if I am very honest, I am freaking out because I felt he was safe while he was with his family. My immediate concern was that something will happen, something bad because nobody can protect him. On the other hand I know he will be ok (or not ok, which might be ok, too, for a time). I just can't stand not helping. And I miss him a lot.
Thank you for your post. I really need to practice what I preach to others, but there are boxes all over this house, it's a mess, and I can't get up the energy to do anything about. I should probably just hire two people for a couple of hours to unpack and move and assemble furniture for me. That would be a start for self-pampering? Ordering people around my new place...?
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Please try not to awfulize about the future that has not happened, Kimmieh! 
He is a grown man who has to learn how to deal with life on life's terms. The best thing everyone in his life can do is to let him have the dignity of making those choices for himself. You cannot protect him from the world or from himself--that was never your job.
Please protect yourself, protect your finances, be kind to you and become the best you possible! You deserve that peace and that joy!!
He is a grown man who has to learn how to deal with life on life's terms. The best thing everyone in his life can do is to let him have the dignity of making those choices for himself. You cannot protect him from the world or from himself--that was never your job.
Please protect yourself, protect your finances, be kind to you and become the best you possible! You deserve that peace and that joy!!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
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All the energy, attention, problem-solving, money and other resources you have been putting into and giving away to him and the relationship, now put ALL OF IT into YOU and YOU and YOU!
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Kimmieh, hang in there, these bad moments or hours or days will pass. In the night, without your best friend dogs, in a new place, without having made it into a home, those will be the hardest times of all.
I know you know that you can't live his life for him, but knowing it doesn't take away the pain of watching him make choices that may hurt him, of hearing the panic and pain in his voice, of wanting him to be fixed.
That's his life, that's his burden, and no one can really take it on for someone else, no matter how desperately we want to. It isn't your fault, and there really is nothing you can do.
Hiring people for a few hours to set up your furniture and unpack some boxes sounds like a great idea. If you can make a little part of your new place feel welcoming, that will help. Find a way to get set up to do a favorite routine - whether it be curling up on the couch with a book, or getting your bed and bedding set up so that you feel cozy. Give yourself a little treat - I got 2 coffee mugs that I love so that I can have coffee and tea and mulled cider, and that is a little treat to look forward to.
We're here with you, the night will pass, you'll have your dogs with you, and your new life will become more familiar and comforting. Come back often, we'll be here for you.
BothSidesNow
I know you know that you can't live his life for him, but knowing it doesn't take away the pain of watching him make choices that may hurt him, of hearing the panic and pain in his voice, of wanting him to be fixed.
That's his life, that's his burden, and no one can really take it on for someone else, no matter how desperately we want to. It isn't your fault, and there really is nothing you can do.
Hiring people for a few hours to set up your furniture and unpack some boxes sounds like a great idea. If you can make a little part of your new place feel welcoming, that will help. Find a way to get set up to do a favorite routine - whether it be curling up on the couch with a book, or getting your bed and bedding set up so that you feel cozy. Give yourself a little treat - I got 2 coffee mugs that I love so that I can have coffee and tea and mulled cider, and that is a little treat to look forward to.
We're here with you, the night will pass, you'll have your dogs with you, and your new life will become more familiar and comforting. Come back often, we'll be here for you.
BothSidesNow
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You are just the best! I had a rough few nights and reading your posts really helped! I told him that he can fight for the relationship that we could have (which means go to rehab) or walk away from it. I know I can just walk away from it, too, but I don't have the strength right now. Distance can be a luxury in that I don't have to make the decision to walk away right now.
I really need to turn this place into a home and I will better. The one thing that was perfect this whole time was the daycare for my dog, but yesterday when I picked them up they told me that the little one bit one of the ladies there in the face (ugh!). She was holding him and all of a sudden he let out this huge yelp as in if in pain and bit her. They assured me that she will be fine. I called again today and they said the same thing and that she saw a doctor. My dog has had this a few times lately that he lets out this sudden yelps, but seems absolutely fine (at first I thought he was dreaming because it seemed to happen when he was resting). Vet appointment is booked, but now I am paranoid that he will bite someone again and that I won't be able to take him there. I also feel awful although it's not anyone's fault (although I am very good at finding reasons for it being my fault). Paws crossed the little one is ok and thank heavens for the cool daycare people...
While I am whining, and it seems relevant in terms of boundaries, my new next-door neighbor invited me over for a beer the other day and we had a nice chat although I had this inkling that she might not be the type of person I would become best friends with (it might have been the four cases of beer in the living room and her comment that she only drinks beer). The next day she brought me some fruit from the farmer's market and later came over again and brought something else that she thought I might need. She said I could come over anytime, the door is open, etc. I was feeling sick that day, so I didn't. She knocked again two days later, but I didn't answer the door. Yesterday I did answer. She asked if I wanted to come over for a beer, but I said I can't because I was working. Then she looked around and commented that I hadn't really gotten anywhere yet with the unpacking and I said no, because I was sick all last weekend and at work all week. She mentioned that I told her that I don't have to go into work more than two days a week (because I work mostly from home) and I said sometimes I go in and work from there. She said she was feeling bad from medication she is taking and she is lonely and bored.
Just now she came over again to bring treats for the dogs. I told her I am skyping with my sister, but she said she would just come in and feed the dogs, walked in, sat down and fed the dogs. Then she starts to tease the little one (the one with the random pains) and I asked her to please not to do that. She does it anyway. I said NO, I don't need the stress of him biting someone else again. She then proceeded to tell me he won't bite her as I see him show his teeth (he gets scared easily and does snap when he feels cornered). I told her that there is no point in stressing me like this. Then she comes up to me and gives me a hug and tells me "aww you are having a bit of a panic attack" (as if saying "how cute"). I can't stand being hugged by strangers! Ugh. She left and said I should come over later for dinner.
I know she feels bad from the chemo and is lonely and all, but I am so protective of my space (always have been). I am totally creeped out!
Thanks for listening. On a positive note, the job I moved here for is great and so are my colleagues!
I really need to turn this place into a home and I will better. The one thing that was perfect this whole time was the daycare for my dog, but yesterday when I picked them up they told me that the little one bit one of the ladies there in the face (ugh!). She was holding him and all of a sudden he let out this huge yelp as in if in pain and bit her. They assured me that she will be fine. I called again today and they said the same thing and that she saw a doctor. My dog has had this a few times lately that he lets out this sudden yelps, but seems absolutely fine (at first I thought he was dreaming because it seemed to happen when he was resting). Vet appointment is booked, but now I am paranoid that he will bite someone again and that I won't be able to take him there. I also feel awful although it's not anyone's fault (although I am very good at finding reasons for it being my fault). Paws crossed the little one is ok and thank heavens for the cool daycare people...
While I am whining, and it seems relevant in terms of boundaries, my new next-door neighbor invited me over for a beer the other day and we had a nice chat although I had this inkling that she might not be the type of person I would become best friends with (it might have been the four cases of beer in the living room and her comment that she only drinks beer). The next day she brought me some fruit from the farmer's market and later came over again and brought something else that she thought I might need. She said I could come over anytime, the door is open, etc. I was feeling sick that day, so I didn't. She knocked again two days later, but I didn't answer the door. Yesterday I did answer. She asked if I wanted to come over for a beer, but I said I can't because I was working. Then she looked around and commented that I hadn't really gotten anywhere yet with the unpacking and I said no, because I was sick all last weekend and at work all week. She mentioned that I told her that I don't have to go into work more than two days a week (because I work mostly from home) and I said sometimes I go in and work from there. She said she was feeling bad from medication she is taking and she is lonely and bored.
Just now she came over again to bring treats for the dogs. I told her I am skyping with my sister, but she said she would just come in and feed the dogs, walked in, sat down and fed the dogs. Then she starts to tease the little one (the one with the random pains) and I asked her to please not to do that. She does it anyway. I said NO, I don't need the stress of him biting someone else again. She then proceeded to tell me he won't bite her as I see him show his teeth (he gets scared easily and does snap when he feels cornered). I told her that there is no point in stressing me like this. Then she comes up to me and gives me a hug and tells me "aww you are having a bit of a panic attack" (as if saying "how cute"). I can't stand being hugged by strangers! Ugh. She left and said I should come over later for dinner.
I know she feels bad from the chemo and is lonely and all, but I am so protective of my space (always have been). I am totally creeped out!
Thanks for listening. On a positive note, the job I moved here for is great and so are my colleagues!
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It's the co-dependent in me who is feeling terribly guilty about not wanting to hang out with my neighbor (I actually enjoyed it the first time, but now I am too creeped out). I even feel guilty writing about it. I also feel guilty about the biting incident. Ugh.
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I would've felt guilty even confronting her about teasing the dog, I would've probably just let her find out herself. I can never stick up for myself. Then when I do, I feel that I was in the wrong! I also find myself with people like that in my life. Pushy, insincere, unaware of themselves. I hate feeling obligated to those people!!!
I once met a woman who told me, 'I'm 55 and I don't give a $hit what people think-I'll tell it like it is!' and I so envied that. I want to try and be better about being true to MYSELF and feeling an obligation to myself!
Sorry for the rant just know you did more that even I could bear to do. She sounds like trouble....or at least emotionally draining!! It's all about those boundaries
I once met a woman who told me, 'I'm 55 and I don't give a $hit what people think-I'll tell it like it is!' and I so envied that. I want to try and be better about being true to MYSELF and feeling an obligation to myself!
Sorry for the rant
just know you did more that even I could bear to do. She sounds like trouble....or at least emotionally draining!! It's all about those boundaries
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I have to say that I surprised myself, but I think part of that was also my irritation that she doesn't even respect HIS boundaries! I mean, I made it clear from the beginning that he is very easily scared and his way of dealing with fear is to snap (and even if it weren't why would you want to scare him deliberately?). We got him from the shelter as a frazzled little stray and have tried so hard to make him feel more secure around people, so I don't want anyone in his face! I am so protective of him. It's nice of her to give him a treat, but why does she try to take it away from him again just to tease him or to prove that she can get away with it??
I have an easier time speaking up when it's about my dogs (especially the little one because he is so fragile).
But yes, I felt guilty although I had a good rant with a close friend who was absolutely mortified for me and assured me that I am entirely justified in my anger and "creeped outedness." It made me feel much much better. I cannot be the companion she is looking for and I can't open my home the way she wants me to. It's so hard to establish these boundaries, but I am already not happy with the area I live in, so I have to make sure my home is a safe haven. But yes, it's HARD!
I have an easier time speaking up when it's about my dogs (especially the little one because he is so fragile).
But yes, I felt guilty although I had a good rant with a close friend who was absolutely mortified for me and assured me that I am entirely justified in my anger and "creeped outedness." It made me feel much much better. I cannot be the companion she is looking for and I can't open my home the way she wants me to. It's so hard to establish these boundaries, but I am already not happy with the area I live in, so I have to make sure my home is a safe haven. But yes, it's HARD!
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Originally Posted by lizloh 
I once met a woman who told me, 'I'm 55 and I don't give a $hit what people think-I'll tell it like it is!' and I so envied that. I want to try and be better about being true to MYSELF and feeling an obligation to myself!
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Originally Posted by Kimmieh
It's the co-dependent in me who is feeling terribly guilty about not wanting to hang out with my neighbor (I actually enjoyed it the first time, but now I am too creeped out). I even feel guilty writing about it. I also feel guilty about the biting incident. Ugh.
You mention that your neighbour is ill and lonely. So she's leaning on you for support, at a time when you need support yourself. On the other hand, she is also giving you a bit of support in return, though it comes with a very big price in term of the energy it takes from you.
I found myself dealing with a similar neighbour when I first moved to Germany. She was a very nice lady, but came on a bit too strong. She kept wanting to "mother" me, and although it was nice at first, it got irritating after a while.
This was a tough situation to be in, since I wanted to have good relations with all my new neighbours. As the newcomer and a foreigner, I was expected to fit myself into the community. But at the same time I didn't want to change into some new version of myself. For a while I found myself getting exhausted and upset trying to meet all the demands and expectations that other people had of me.
I finally realised that I needed to set some very clear boundaries with my new neighbours. I allowed myself to start saying "no" and stopped accepting every single invitation, especially with those draining personality types. It was a bit of a struggle for me at first, but with practice I got better at saying "no" and defending my space, my energy, and my privacy.
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Titanic, in hot pink!
Hypatia, that is what I am trying to do, too, now. And I really do understand her situation, but that is no excuse to just walk into my space after I made it clear that I am busy.
She has lived here for 10 years, I have lived here for 2 weeks and I have to remind myself that it's not my responsibility to become the emotional support for my neighbors. My immediate reaction to her bringing up her illness when she wanted me to come over was resistance because I KNOW this sort of emotional blackmail throws me into a turmoil of guilt. After our first little get together, I was perfectly fine with the idea of getting together every once in a while, but after all this insistence and disregard for my space, I just don't feel like it at all (and I have to say the fact that she appears to be drinking a lot doesn't help). I am too worried that she will consider my door just as open as mine.
I am really bothered by this because I am lonely, too, and would love some people nearby for coffee, but not everyone makes me feel comfortable.
Hypatia, that is what I am trying to do, too, now. And I really do understand her situation, but that is no excuse to just walk into my space after I made it clear that I am busy.
She has lived here for 10 years, I have lived here for 2 weeks and I have to remind myself that it's not my responsibility to become the emotional support for my neighbors. My immediate reaction to her bringing up her illness when she wanted me to come over was resistance because I KNOW this sort of emotional blackmail throws me into a turmoil of guilt. After our first little get together, I was perfectly fine with the idea of getting together every once in a while, but after all this insistence and disregard for my space, I just don't feel like it at all (and I have to say the fact that she appears to be drinking a lot doesn't help). I am too worried that she will consider my door just as open as mine.
I am really bothered by this because I am lonely, too, and would love some people nearby for coffee, but not everyone makes me feel comfortable.
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Hypatia had a good point. I'm pretty needy, and tell myself they DO provide something for me. But at what cost?? That woman's ego is out of control, to tease a dog and poo-poo you when you are annoyed about it? Is she eleven??
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The neighbor is probably in her late forties? She has not been by, which I appreciate. I have made some progress with getting everything unpacked. Little at a time.
I have found my coffee shop, Titanic. Starbucks it is!
Yesterday was a peculiar milestone. I have been paying most of the bills during our relationship as his income was very unsteady (and mostly non-existent). For the past two years I have been saying over and over again how badly we are going into debt, but I always gave in when it came to giving him money (to keep the peace and appease my guilt).
Yesterday he asked if I can put money into his account. I said I can't because I have nothing in the account that is linked to his (my paycheck goes into a different account now). He started to be irritable "ok, so I will go hungry then, fine. I guess I am on my own." All other times I would have scrambled to find a way or apologized (sick, I know). Yesterday I told him that I did put money into the account for him a few days ago and it's gone. I also said that I was going to send him a check, but will not because I won't be disrespected like that. If he wants to talk to me like that, yes, he is on his own. (major!). And that he should buy food instead of beer (in good old codie-fashion I have been checking the account activities - lots of liquor stores).
I expected an angry rant, but instead he said that Tavern XYZ is a restaurant and he bought food. I am sure he did not just buy food, but the point is that he did not get angry at me calling him out on buying alcohol. Huh?
Then he asked me how much the move cost? I told him that he was welcome to check the zero balance on my account if he didn't believe me and outlined how much money I spent on the move. I also listed all of my maxed-out credit cards and the amount I owe on each one.
His response: don't get defensive, I didn't know it's that steep. I said that I have been trying to tell him, but he wouldn't listen. That was the end of the conversation (all via text). It sounds trivial enough, but for the first time he finally realized that I am broke and that I won't give any more. He finally stopped to hear how bad it really is and stopped asking. I didn't cave and scrambled to find a solution, which must have surprised him. It's difficult to explain why this is huge, but it is.
I do have a few more resources, but I didn't mention them and I won't because I need them to pay off some of this debt. I have let this go far enough (if you had asked me before I met that I would EVER let myself go this deeply into debt, I would have called you crazy).
I have not heard from him today and now I have to brace myself and continue to
a) not contact him or check on him
b) continue to say no
c) remind myself that I am on a work permit, which means the money my job gives me is all I get. I am not allowed to take on another one. He, on the other hand, can get a job, apply for disability (which he is eligible for), etc.
d) take it one day at a time. Don't awfulize...I freaked out about the prospect about being here all summer (I don't teach summers) by myself because I can't give the dogs into boarding for months at a time. Then it occurred to me that I can just spend the summer at my parent's house overseas. The flight is short enough for me to be comfortable to take the dogs (no quarantine in either direction). It would be a great vacation for all of us because my parents have a lovely big yard and the pups already know part of my family from when they visited and are well-loved. I talked to my mom and she said they would love to have us! I really needed this plan B because the prospect of a lonely summer here made me really sad.
So, now I have to just breathe and get through each day ok and focus on my work. The rest will happen as it happens.
I have found my coffee shop, Titanic. Starbucks it is!
Yesterday was a peculiar milestone. I have been paying most of the bills during our relationship as his income was very unsteady (and mostly non-existent). For the past two years I have been saying over and over again how badly we are going into debt, but I always gave in when it came to giving him money (to keep the peace and appease my guilt).
Yesterday he asked if I can put money into his account. I said I can't because I have nothing in the account that is linked to his (my paycheck goes into a different account now). He started to be irritable "ok, so I will go hungry then, fine. I guess I am on my own." All other times I would have scrambled to find a way or apologized (sick, I know). Yesterday I told him that I did put money into the account for him a few days ago and it's gone. I also said that I was going to send him a check, but will not because I won't be disrespected like that. If he wants to talk to me like that, yes, he is on his own. (major!). And that he should buy food instead of beer (in good old codie-fashion I have been checking the account activities - lots of liquor stores).
I expected an angry rant, but instead he said that Tavern XYZ is a restaurant and he bought food. I am sure he did not just buy food, but the point is that he did not get angry at me calling him out on buying alcohol. Huh?
Then he asked me how much the move cost? I told him that he was welcome to check the zero balance on my account if he didn't believe me and outlined how much money I spent on the move. I also listed all of my maxed-out credit cards and the amount I owe on each one.
His response: don't get defensive, I didn't know it's that steep. I said that I have been trying to tell him, but he wouldn't listen. That was the end of the conversation (all via text). It sounds trivial enough, but for the first time he finally realized that I am broke and that I won't give any more. He finally stopped to hear how bad it really is and stopped asking. I didn't cave and scrambled to find a solution, which must have surprised him. It's difficult to explain why this is huge, but it is.
I do have a few more resources, but I didn't mention them and I won't because I need them to pay off some of this debt. I have let this go far enough (if you had asked me before I met that I would EVER let myself go this deeply into debt, I would have called you crazy).
I have not heard from him today and now I have to brace myself and continue to
a) not contact him or check on him
b) continue to say no
c) remind myself that I am on a work permit, which means the money my job gives me is all I get. I am not allowed to take on another one. He, on the other hand, can get a job, apply for disability (which he is eligible for), etc.
d) take it one day at a time. Don't awfulize...I freaked out about the prospect about being here all summer (I don't teach summers) by myself because I can't give the dogs into boarding for months at a time. Then it occurred to me that I can just spend the summer at my parent's house overseas. The flight is short enough for me to be comfortable to take the dogs (no quarantine in either direction). It would be a great vacation for all of us because my parents have a lovely big yard and the pups already know part of my family from when they visited and are well-loved. I talked to my mom and she said they would love to have us! I really needed this plan B because the prospect of a lonely summer here made me really sad.
So, now I have to just breathe and get through each day ok and focus on my work. The rest will happen as it happens.
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