zorah

I go to meetings and try to talk to people but it's incredibly awkward. I'm so fed up with trying to be part of any kind of group. I'm always bad at it. Except when i drink of course. Drinking really took care of my social handicaps (though the price was too high). I cringe when the meeting's over and hardly anyone talks to me and when they do, I respond in a stilted and awkward way. I feel like a pariah--an outsider who speaks another language. I see people gabbing away and wonder--what are they talking about? It's a mystery to me, but then human interaction has always been a mystery on some level. I'm so sick of this. I'm not 8 years old for God's sake!

I think a lot of it is that I'm not used to being social without booze. So, do I have to learn how to talk again?


zorah

driftapart

How many meetings have you been to?

Usually being the "new kid" in any situation, you're gonna feel a bit left out because everyone else has a longer history and a bond of some sort.

I went to my first meeting and smiled and introduced myself to the first person I saw and we hit it off instantly. Nobody else really tried to talk to me personally though, but I understand why.

P.S. I'm also finding it hard to interact with strangers without alcohol. I think that's a big part of why I always drank so much, was so that I'd be a social butterfly. No alcohol and I feel like the most uninteresting person in the world.

Dee74

I think a lot of us deal with social awkardness Zorah - you're definitely not alone.

For me one of the keys to being more relaxed in social situations is to accept I'm who I am...I'm not the most gregarious person, I'm quite introverted, I often have trouble speaking...but that's ok.

When I'm more comfortable with who I am, I find other people are more comfortable with me too.

I've often seen it suggested for people to go early and stay late after meetings - help set up and put away. I hear it's a good, and a little less stressful, way to meet people in AA?

D

MycoolFitz

I can barely walk into a room of people without a panic attack but it hasn't killed me yet. I drank to be social but it wasn't me being social it was the drink. Remember there are social people who like quiet people so they can take center stage more. Just remember to breathe, I try to every day.

youbetcha

I've found that some A.A. meetings, just like any group where people kind of know each other can seem/be very cliquey when you first start attending. When I moved to the Northeast from friendly Florida, I found people at meetings even harder to talk with in the beginning. I even shared at one of the big meetings I'd been to many times(the topic was the "love" in the rooms), I said I'd been to this meeting many times and if I hadn't reached out to meet people(and I'm a salesman) then I wouldn't know anybody there, and that I feel bad for new people that aren't as people oriented as I am. Of course after the meeting lots of people came up and introduced themselves. An A.A. friend of mine, when I told him I was having a hard time meeting people in meetings up here, said "maybe because you seem like you're okay." I thought "Eureka," yeah it seems that sometimes at meetings if you're not "on fire" ready to drink, and begging for rescue or if you're not the venerated "expert" who's at every meeting etc. then you can get lost in the shuffle. I usually like the smaller meetings, I feel more comfortable and get to know the people and they get to know me. Take what fits and leave the rest, and remember Principles before personalities.

tomsteve

zorah, i am sorry to hear ya feling this way. now, lets look at some things:

now, you may feel like a pariah, but yer actually goin to meetings of the world largest fellowship of ex pariahs.
personally, i think that you, like me, have no idea how to interact without booze. hell, i only interacted with booze and i only interacted with others with booze! so, i had to give it T.I.M.E. and learn.
i started drinking when i was about 13. i fully believe what i was taught and thats that i stopped growing emotionally and mentally when i took my very first drink.so, even though i was 36 when i got into recovery, i was only 13ish emtionally and mentally. it didnt take long for me to see that was true! i had no idea how to do anything. the only 2 things i knew how to do were work and drink and i was quite good at both.even though i was quite intelligent and highly skilled, i had no idea how to do anything and communication without booze was something completely new.
i didnt talk much to people outside of the meetings for quite some time. i had very low self esteem. what i did do was go to meetings and listen. at first i was listening to the drinkin thing. that was pretty crazy. i heard just about everything short of a frontal labotomy to stop drinking. then i started listening to the thinking thing. i couldnt believe it. that man who went though electric shock treatment? he thought just like me! that woman who was locked up in a mental ward and walked out right to the liquor store? she thought just like me! the attorney who never missed a day of work, who never had a spot on his record, who never had problems with his family, but drank just like me? he also thought just like me! the man who was so physically addicted to alcohol he had to have a glass of whiskey on his nightstand? same thinkin.
and they all found the same solution in AA.

now heres a suggestion: the next meeting you go to, when the chair asks if theres a topic, open up and share yer feeling and ask if anyone else felt that way. you just may be surprised at what ya hear.

DoubleBarrel

I totally hear you. I was socially awkward and an anxious kid when I started drinking. Guess what? Since quitting, It seems like I haven't aged at all. It seems like I'm having to start from scratch. A full grown man, and I swear in many ways I'm emotionally and socially still 15. Sometimes I watch people, and feel like an alien, trying to figure out their strange emotions and customs.

2granddaughters

Keep going, it will get better. You aren't the only one with this problem.
This subject would be a great topic to talk about at the table with your sponsor and the oldtimers.

I always quit just before the miracle happened... I try not to do that today.

All the best.

Bob R

Anna

Zorah, I don't go to meetings, but I can relate to feeling awkward in groups. For sure that's something I've dealt with my whole life. One thing I've learned is that the people who seem totally at ease, are not necessarily so. Be kind to yourself.

inkcarcerated

Zorah i am the same as you, i have been to 3 meetings and im only day 6 sober, although i went to the first one and thought this is horrendous and wont be going back and came home and next day i drank...

The second one i went to was better as people came to me and i spoke more but i was hungover and i dont know what it is but i felt i had alcohol still in me and courage, the 3rd one i went to was ok some faces that had been at the 2nd meeting were there so they spoke to me. I got phone numbers given to me and it was ok i was still very uncomfortable and i am not good at eye contact so i always think in my head i bet people think im rude lol

I am struggling terrible now on day 6, i got some vodka in yesterday thinking i cannot do this, i didnt drink it, i dont know how but i think the comfort of knowing my friend was on hand made me not ( makes not logical sense)

and then today im feeling the same so bloody exhausting i dont know how long i will go and keep it up, time will tell

Sapling

I had to learn to do everything again. I stopped drinking at the age of 51....But I still had the mind of a 15 year old. It had only developed with alcohol. Strip that away and I was lost. One of the first things my sponsor said to me was I needed to grow up....I was taken aback at first. But he was right....I needed to grow up....I needed to change....And I needed to learn how to live....Without alcohol. Keep going to meetings....If you hear someone that said something you liked...Go up to them and thank them afterwards....Reach out to people that are newer than you...Think how they feel. It will get better with TIME....Things I Must Earn.

Desert

Wow, what everyone else has said thus far totally nailed it. Like TomSteve, after 18 years of drinking, the only things I was truly "gifted" at were drinking and work. And then the drinking began to affect the quality of my creative work. Zorah, I can certainly identify with you feeling like a social pariah. In groups especially, my mind shuts down and I turn in to a complete idiot. Like being a shy 17 year old. This is no doubt the cumulative effect of living in an alcohol-soaked sponge of a brain. With time and experience, these things recede. Judging from your post, you are obviously intelligent and articulate, so give it time. Good luck!

NYR

Zorah - I know what you mean about being able to be social with alcohol. That's what made it a magical drug for me. It could get me through any social situation....

Later in life I went back to college and became a teacher, and found myself having to get up in front of large groups of people daily without alcohol. My experience from this is that the more you do it, the easier it gets.

zorah

Wow, wonderful responses! I'm going to re-read the posts. I'm at meetings almost daily. But I'm impatient, intolerant of emotional discomfort, and incredibly needy (I want everyone on the planet to like me. My expectations are absurd and, as many of you pointed out from your experiences, my maturity level matches the age when I started drinking, which is 13 years. Holy crap! So I have an inner teenager running my life and she's out of control. I'm also naturally an introvert. It helps me to know that I need to focus on accepting myself as I am. Helping set up or clear up at meetings never occurred to me of course because right now I can't see beyond my nose. haha

Anyway, thanks so much..... I felt awkward and weird in a meeting today but I'll just chill about it and do my best.


Zorah

Sapling

You're going to grow everyday zorah...Most important thing is you aren't drinking...Keep coming back!

Hevyn

Add me to the list, Zorah. I'm the same.

Actually, in the end alcohol made me even more introverted, shy, and self-conscious. You do have to learn to deal with life all over again, without that buffer. I'm much better about being around people now - but it took practice. It really helped me to know I wasn't alone in feeling that way - one of the reasons I loved SR from the first day I signed on. You will get there!

MycoolFitz

In Junior High I threw up doing a book report. Years later I did a keynote address in front of a 1000 people, I waited until I got back to my hotel room to throw up so it gets better.

quitforme79

I am with you zorah. i have been going to meetings too and trying to find one where I feel I fit in so I can find a sponser. Every meeting has a vibe (in my opinion) and some are cliqueier than others. I figure if I keep going I will find one I feel comfortable at and then will hit most of the meetings there.