New to Sobriety
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: merrill, wi
Posts: 1
New to Sobriety
Well... Its hour 80... off of opiates... I've been on them for the last two years almost consistently... Not for pain at all... I was searching for something to assist me in keeping going when life just got to be unbearable. I'm going to miss it, but I'm tired of going through all the anxiety and worry of when I'm going to get my next round of pills. Going through mini-half day withdrawals is taking so much away from my life that I'm starting not to function socially or professionally. I know that people seek out opiates and continue to use them to solve an underlying psycho-social issue, which I have many, and as a healthcare professional I should know better but I could outperform everyone else on them and it wasn't a delusion either. But I'm tired of living a muted life and I want to change the reasons behind why I started using instead of using the drug to cover-up my reactions to the root cause.
All I can say is that its been horrid. Just horrid. The first 24 hours I just told my family I had a bad flu. The second 24 I could barely move and function at all. The last 32 hours I've been slowly coming out of it, but I still have that anxious feeling in my stomach that comes and goes, and the goosebumps are just outrageous. But all the other grosser symptoms have (hopefully) passed. I don't know what I would have done without Aleve, Dramamine II, and a few extra doses of my blood pressure meds. 80 hours of pure you know what while working a full time job and two part time jobs and supporting 6 unemployed adults living in my 6 bedroom house. So its still not over and I know that and this is the longest I've gone successfully in the last 2 years. I'm not sure why its working this time because I could get some whenever, but for some reason its time for me quit.
When I got up this morning I did have to call in sick to my main job. I just couldn't go. Tomorrow I should be fine as progressively throughout the day I have been feeling better and I was even able to do dishes, laundry, and make dinner. No one even has a clue just whats been going on and I'm afraid none of them really care. I've been enabling them out of love and an odd sense of responsibility when they're able bodied people who could support themselves. Instead of confronting the issue, I numbed myself to get through it. But I'm done numbing myself and am ready to live again. I sat on the porch this afternoon and I couldn't remember the sky looking so blue, the fall colors being so vibrant, and my skin being so sensitive to every breeze and ray of sunlight. I didn't realize just how numb I had become.
Why didn't anyone notice how stoned I've been the last two years. I'd been popping 100mg of oxy and 60 mg hydro for the majority of the last two years and not a single person saw what I saw when I looked in the mirror. Why didn't anyone think to say "why you look so spacey" or "your lack of emotion concerns me." I kept getting raises and promotions at work and the money keeps rolling in, so no one even noticed I was high. I guess that's what concerns me the most. My partner, my children, my family and friends, my co-workers, my patients, my students, all completely oblivious. Maybe I'm a functional addict. I just don't get it.
I fear that everyone won't like the unedited unmuted version of me now. I guess I'll see.
But I'm bound and determined not to pop another pill... not to relapse again... I do NOT want to go through this again ever. I've never been so sick in my life to the point where I couldn't physically move out of bed for the majority of the day. I just hope I can sleep tonight and wake up tomorrow and feel a little bit more normal. I'm not expecting to feel like the 2-year earlier version of me and to be honest, I can't remember that guy anymore. I guess I'll just create myself from scratch again... Make a new me.
I may end up getting to the point where I will just have to say goodbye to the causes of my anxiety. I don't know whats going to happen here.
All I know is that last night, as I was sitting on my patio, I was overcome with the weirdest feeling. Whether I was hallucinating or not I'm not sure, but the goosebumps started at my feet and moved up my body til I swear the hairs almost stood on my head and it just kept going and didn't stop. So I closed my eyes and the intensity increased until I felt like I was literally throwing sparks. Then I heard "welcome back" and it vanished. Just poof, gone. And its been getting better ever since.
So, I just needed to vent. Hopefully no one thinks I was too verbose. Thanks.
All I can say is that its been horrid. Just horrid. The first 24 hours I just told my family I had a bad flu. The second 24 I could barely move and function at all. The last 32 hours I've been slowly coming out of it, but I still have that anxious feeling in my stomach that comes and goes, and the goosebumps are just outrageous. But all the other grosser symptoms have (hopefully) passed. I don't know what I would have done without Aleve, Dramamine II, and a few extra doses of my blood pressure meds. 80 hours of pure you know what while working a full time job and two part time jobs and supporting 6 unemployed adults living in my 6 bedroom house. So its still not over and I know that and this is the longest I've gone successfully in the last 2 years. I'm not sure why its working this time because I could get some whenever, but for some reason its time for me quit.
When I got up this morning I did have to call in sick to my main job. I just couldn't go. Tomorrow I should be fine as progressively throughout the day I have been feeling better and I was even able to do dishes, laundry, and make dinner. No one even has a clue just whats been going on and I'm afraid none of them really care. I've been enabling them out of love and an odd sense of responsibility when they're able bodied people who could support themselves. Instead of confronting the issue, I numbed myself to get through it. But I'm done numbing myself and am ready to live again. I sat on the porch this afternoon and I couldn't remember the sky looking so blue, the fall colors being so vibrant, and my skin being so sensitive to every breeze and ray of sunlight. I didn't realize just how numb I had become.
Why didn't anyone notice how stoned I've been the last two years. I'd been popping 100mg of oxy and 60 mg hydro for the majority of the last two years and not a single person saw what I saw when I looked in the mirror. Why didn't anyone think to say "why you look so spacey" or "your lack of emotion concerns me." I kept getting raises and promotions at work and the money keeps rolling in, so no one even noticed I was high. I guess that's what concerns me the most. My partner, my children, my family and friends, my co-workers, my patients, my students, all completely oblivious. Maybe I'm a functional addict. I just don't get it.
I fear that everyone won't like the unedited unmuted version of me now. I guess I'll see.
But I'm bound and determined not to pop another pill... not to relapse again... I do NOT want to go through this again ever. I've never been so sick in my life to the point where I couldn't physically move out of bed for the majority of the day. I just hope I can sleep tonight and wake up tomorrow and feel a little bit more normal. I'm not expecting to feel like the 2-year earlier version of me and to be honest, I can't remember that guy anymore. I guess I'll just create myself from scratch again... Make a new me.
I may end up getting to the point where I will just have to say goodbye to the causes of my anxiety. I don't know whats going to happen here.
All I know is that last night, as I was sitting on my patio, I was overcome with the weirdest feeling. Whether I was hallucinating or not I'm not sure, but the goosebumps started at my feet and moved up my body til I swear the hairs almost stood on my head and it just kept going and didn't stop. So I closed my eyes and the intensity increased until I felt like I was literally throwing sparks. Then I heard "welcome back" and it vanished. Just poof, gone. And its been getting better ever since.
So, I just needed to vent. Hopefully no one thinks I was too verbose. Thanks.
dude in recovery
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Gulf Coast, TX
Posts: 1,504
Welcome danielharring, most people I've talked with since I quit (drinking) told me they didn't know I was having issues. They thought I was 'functional'... but I was far from ok. I feel much better now days. 
Best wishes on your recovery and new life.
Best wishes on your recovery and new life.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Welcome Daniel
You'll find a ton of support here - you're not alone
Check out our substance abuse forum too - you'll find a lot of support there as well:
Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
You'll find a ton of support here - you're not alone
Check out our substance abuse forum too - you'll find a lot of support there as well:
Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
