BlueSkiesAgain

AS stopped by after classes today to pick up some clothes and a couple of his books that he needed. He sat and talked for more than an hour. Completely positive conversation. We talked about how long he had been drinking (since 16 and I had no idea) and how glad he is that he could talk about it. He set up an AA schedule and he will start tomorrow.

I know it is one day at a time and today I want to celebrate that I had a great conversation with my son.

Tuffgirl

Great news! Prayers he goes and it sticks!
~T

WishingWell

Fantastic!! Recovery starts somewhere and I hope this is it for him!

dandylion

Dear Blueskies, I am very happy to hear that he was willing to talk and that he is willing to consider AA.

As Wishingwell said--recovery has to start somewhere. Now watch his ACTIONS (without helicoptering--LOL).

one day at a time.

dandylion

Milly39

Good to hear - Hopefully he puts his plan in action

BlueSkiesAgain

I'm a little stressed tonight. Not sure why because AS seemed fine today. Today was his long day at school and then he had a meeting tonight so he seemed stressed and hungry. According to him he hasn't had anything to drink for a few days and I haven't smelled anything on him and as he says I can smell alcohol 4 miles away. But the truth is alcoholics lie about drinking so I don't know if I believe him or not. I kicked back into my helicopter parent mode or more codependent mode trying to make sure he ate, was ready for tests, etc.

One positive of his moving out is that he is finally understanding he is on a budget and I am not giving him money. He talked about how expensive it is to buy milk and cereal. He has NEVER had to worry about money before because he had a debit card that attached to my bank account. This is a long process and we are just beginning but I can honestly say the best thing I have ever done was to allow him the choice to follow the rules or move out. Now, I just need to focus on my own behavior because although I am following through it is hard and I do feel guilty.

SparkleKitty

You are going through a lot big changes and, positive or negative, that is bound to be stressful for you. Those feelings of guilt are normal, and you can acknowledge them without giving into them. I am so impressed by your updates and how well you are doing. You are very strong, even if it doesn't always feel that way. One day at a time.

WishingWell

I didn't want to believe it but over here it was true, I had to let him go and let him stand up on his own. I can't speak for everyone, but from my experience you should not feel guilty, the actions you are taking could very well help to save his life!

And that's what Mom's are for. You're doing great!

dandylion

Blueskies, I understand the feelings of guilt soooo very well!!

I'll also tell you a lesson that I learned the HAAARD way. Adult children (or anyone) who are allowed to become too dependent on you---whatever the reason---be it their immature demands, or the parent's helicoptering (LOL), will resent you for it--if not now--they will later. There is a natural drive toward independence and dependency on another denies the person the actualization of their independence. Their over-dependency eats into their pride and self-esteem and they loath themselves and you for "keeping" them dependent. This is why they will eventually "bite" the most generous hand that feeds them. (at one point, I practically got my knuckles gnawed off).

I may have not explained this phenomenon very well--but you can check it out from more professional sources (developmental pychology). I wish I had understood this earlier than I did!

My point being: When these natural guilt feelings start to get to you. Remember this. Remember that fostering their independence is good mothering. Yea for you.

dandylion

BlueSkiesAgain

I knew there was a reason I was stressed. It's that pit in the stomach that happens. Anyway, the phone rang at 4:30 am and it was son. He was in a taxi and wanted to let me know he was outside and needed $12 to pay the cabbie. Anyway, he went to a bar with a friend and had one Bud-light (he was not drunk so I do believe this part - he also didn't have money to buy anymore). The friend received a call from his girlfriend and he told AS that he was going to get her and come right back to get him. Well, the friend never came back. S sent him a message and he said he was on his way but never showed.

AS did say that he had been three days without a drink and that he was happy with the way that things were going until he went out last night. One point he seems to always want to make is that he isn't breaking any laws. Rationalizing having a drink proves to me all the more that he needs real help.

We talked for about an hour and he ate and I told him to go ahead to bed and we will talk more this morning. My younger son is so upset that his brother came home that he was almost in tears this morning. My husband and I talked a couple of days ago about what we would do if he came home. At that time we agreed that he would have one chance to return home if and only if he followed all the rules.

I will have a peaceful home and as hard as it is to let AS go I owe it to my younger son, my husband and myself.

Thanks to all of you for your support. It feels good to be able to type out what I'm feeling and thinking and your thoughts help so much.

dandylion

Blueskies, I know a man who is in AA for several years and works a rigorous program--works the steps, has sponsor, does outreach work, etc. He works as a counselor and has his degree in psychology. I have heard him say, many times, that he has never seen an adult child reach recovery while living in the parental home.

I thought I would share this with you, because this made an indelible impression on me.

dandylion

devastated1

I read your post and just couldn't believe how much it sounded like us. I have had so many talked with my son and thought things were better and he would go to AA but he lies. I think he actually means it when he says he is quitting but it never lasts more than 4-5 days then I get those calls like you at 4:00a.m. I have bailed him out of jail for public intox, underage drinking and DUI 5 times. I just can't trust him but want to help him get finished, graduate and be on his own. Then I feel like I will be better able to let go.

Titanic

The longer we bail them out, enable them, is generally the very MINIMUM amount of time the alcoholism and addiction will continue. We don't cause it, but we can help prolong the time before the A arrests it. That's in part why it's called a family disease: the family is always way more subject to the A's addictive manipulation than any other persons.

BlueSkiesAgain

AS went to AA tonight. My husband drove him and picked him up. AS said a man who was in recovery for 20 years gave him his number and told him to call anytime he needed him. The group seemed to be a good fit for son as several of the members knew of son. Of course son didn't tell us who he met but my husband saw one of the people leave and he knows his history and he will be a very good person for son to talk to.

Titanic

Great!

WishingWell

That's all good but remember - hands off of his recovery. Let it be his!

Just stay your course -

BlueSkiesAgain

WishingWell great advice and I'm working to stay out of his recovery and school.

HopefulmomtoD

One of the things that popped into my mind, when reading your post about your good talk with you son- was I wonder if he was buzzed during the talk? I've become so cynical, lol.

When my son was at his worst with his drinking, he did not seem "normal" unless he had something to drink. We would have our best talks when he'd a little to drink. My RAS's drink of choice became vodka- which is very hard to smell (probably why alcoholics like it!)

BlueSkiesAgain

Worriedmama when my son is drinking he heads straight to his room. He knows I can smell even the smallest amount of alcohol since I grew up with an alcoholic father so he completely stays away from me if even the slightest of smell is on him.

Also, he is not normally one that can drink just one.

HopefulmomtoD

Oddly enough, I think I only saw my son actually drunk three times. He did the vast majority of his drinking in his room after my DH and I went to bed. He'd hide his bottles and lie about it. We worried he had a drinking problem and then we'd tell ourselves maybe not? He went to school and never missed a day of work in three years. He'd tell us he was drinking less, etc. It wasn't until the few months before he went to rehab that his drinking was very obviously out of control. (DUI, loss of girlfriend, hospitalizations for drinking)

There were times I suspected/knew he had a slight buzz - like when he came home from work and was a little more cheery than usual. But, he was very good at hiding it. (And, I think I have a pretty good nose, too, lol)

Do you really believe he just drank one? From the outside, that whole story seems very fishy. And, I completely understand you believing him- looking back I can not believe the stuff I used to fall for.