4MyBoys

I try to follow much of the advice on this site. I know deep down that majority of the main posters are posting from experience.

The advice around here generally seems to be, "Don't be the one to bring up that your STBXAH is an alcoholic with their family and friends. It is their story to tell" Well my STBXAH is still actively drinking and making my life and they boys life super harder than it needs to be. Understatement.

But don't you ever just get mad!!!???? I am so frustrated that I am the one dealing with all the fallout. Why can't his family step up and help? When I left they all cut off contact. Even a sister of his, who I considered a best friend. They come from a family where the Dad was a major alcholic and their Mom left. In Ireland where divorce only recently became legal. The oldest brother is AA for years. All six of the siblings rallied around a sister they felt was having emotional issues. But they cut me off.

Why shouldn't I tell all the friends that cut me off because their husbands wanted to stay with their (drinking) buddy, the wives rarely drank but left me in the dirt for the sake of their husband's friend.

It breaks my heart. I am sure he is filling everyone in with lies, lies and other lies packed with lies about me. How I am crazy and that is why we are getting a divorce. Why should I not scream the truth at them?

Is it really helping him to not have people know the truth? I know deep down this is self serving but man, it seems so unfair. I have kept his secrets for sooooo many years. I feel like some of that is what got our marriage where it is. If anyone asks me anything I am shockingly honest about the situation now.

Doesn't anyone else just feel like spilling your guts to their family and begging for help? Sorry I am having a rough couple of days.......

WishingWell

don't you ever just get mad!!!????

Hell, yes!!! About this and other things in life. When I do, I express it!

I'm no expert on AA, but if my husband's family asks me about how he's doing I tell them. His last relapse I called and told them, I needed their help and support. I'm no believer in keeping addiction a secret. It is what it is, a disease. Everyone has their stuff, theirs is no better or worse than ours.

Hang in there!

4MyBoys

But is it wrong of me to reach out the his family, unasked, and tell them what is going on? The courts have given me custody. He is not paying an child support. And is still drinking according to my boys during their visits. Even when he is court ordered not to. I can't prove it though.....

His family stopped contacting me months ago. It makes me so mad they have just left me and my kids, their nephews, to just handle it all. When my sister had addiction issues it was my Mom and I who stepped in. Her husband and his family just backed out of the picture until it was all done. Is it too much to ask for support?

SoloMio

Oh, wow. I happen to be angry. NOW.

Please let me vent a moment. Edited to add: I am hijacking this thread, so please ignore it. I'd delete it, but I'm too angry to let it go and it feels good to see it in print.

Did you ever have misplaced anger moment? You get SO MAD at something really insignificant, but you can trace it to something deeper? That's what happened to me today. I'm going to try to make this as short as possible

AH and I took our dog to the dog park today. She's been acting weird and anxious lately--not sure why. A little separation anxiety, a little insecurity around other dogs. So she was acting clingy at the park, and even though she LOVES when we take her, she wanted to go home.

BTW, AH had had a spiked Gatorade on the way down.

There happened to be a trainer at the dog park, so I half-jokingly suggested we ask her what's going on with our dog. That suggestion turned into a situation where AH basically insulted and embarrassed me in front of the trainer and a couple of strangers, blaming me for the dogs behavior. I won't go into specifics, but the overall message was, I'm a submissive wimp.

It was totally inappropriate. I was so mad, and he didn't understand why.

Now I KNOW that his behavior was alcoholic crap and I should have detached. Actually, I should not have gone with him to begin with. But I really want to know why I was so mad! After soul-searching, I have come to the conclusion that when he called me out on being manipulated by the dog, I was angry because I know all too well that AH manipulates me. All the time. And I'm rolling over for him the same way he accuses me of rolling over for the dog.

This sound so silly when I type it out. I'm actually a little embarrassed (again!) But I have to say it. Otherwise, I may not do anything about it. I have to recognize why I'm angry and own up to it.

So, yes, I do get angry. Sometimes, because I tend to stuff too much, it actually feels good.

Hollyanne

I would call his sister, your friend.
Start there. Just arrange to meet her in a quiet place and talk.
It doesn't even have to be critical of him. Just reach out and see what happens.
As you say, for your children, their nephews.
You never know, she might be afraid to contact you?

Hypatia

Hey Solo,

As someone who owns two highly reactive terrierists I can easily imagine what happened with the dogtrainer and your husband. I'll bet a lot of idiotic nonsense about "being Alpha" was spouted. Just ignore it and switch to positive training. It works much better with both dogs and husbands.

SoloMio

Thank you soooo much for making me smile

WishingWell

I too would share it with his family.

Is there some "rule" not to? A big "rule" is not to hide their addiction. That doesn't mean that we take out a billboard for the entire community. But . . . to family? I thinks it's not only good - but healthy.

Is there a reason that I'm not seeing not to?

Confetti

YES! I am mad, I am furious with what my STBXAH has done. I understand 120%.

Yep, I'm sure that he has his own revised version of events as most A's do. Mine tells people I'm crazy, this divorce is totally out of left field, and then in the same sentence he tells people that he's been having "issues" with me for years. In all honesty, there are very few people who's opinions I value on this subject and most of them know he is so far gone. The ones that don't know, that believe the garbage he spews, well, they will find out in their own time.

Ugh, the secrets. I'm with you on that too. I wish I never kept the first one.


It is a crappy situation, one that you will pull though. I have no doubt. Hugs

neferkamichael

By all means tell his family your side of the story. Chances are, the sister that won't speak to you would be abandoned to if she did.

LifeRecovery

It so happens that my name begins with J, and all of my therapists etc when I was seperating from my husband also had to have J in the begining of their name. I call them Team J.

My dog trainer is included in my recovery team group (another J). She actually facilitated me seeing where my behavior (and my AexH's especially) was impacting my dog. So much of my codie behavior was coming up in our interactions around my dog's behavior. She earned her membership, and my dog and I have come a long way.

LifeRecovery

I do get mad sometimes, and I am over two year out from being seperated.

My anger is important for me to talk about. Where I get into trouble is my "intentions" of who I attempt to talk to my feelings about.

I will probably get relief and help talking about these feelings with my therapist. The only negative is that I don't have as much money when I do that. It is cheaper for me when I do this with friends. In many instances I am starting to get as much from those conversations now that I have learned some new skills.

Trying to talk to my exAH friends, family etc for me was a way of trying to control the situation for me and in essence get them to take my side in the whole mess. For me it created more drama and made everyone feel worse.

For me anger was not the problem....what I choose to do with it was.

Fathom

I struggled a long time with this question. Neither my AH nor I had been close to his family for the decade we were together. I saw them 3 times, including when they visited for our wedding. So, obviously, I have a different relationship with his family than you.

I didn't end up telling them anything. I left that up to my AH. I also didn't tell any of his friends. My policy was that if I was asked, I would not hide. That said, MY family and MY friends all asked and i wasnt holding back. So, I do have strong support there. And, I left his support system to him. Still, it was a struggle for me to recognize what my responsibility was to his family to at least warn them about what was happening. His parents were loaning him money, and I wasn't sure he would be able to pay them back. But, he did. And, I think they have been talking more and opening up again. So, hopefully that's a positive thing.

I was told that if I had doubts about if an action was right or what my motivations were, then don't do anything. Just wait for more to be revealed. Be patient, it will become clearer with time.

You should feel fine about being angry, and seek out your own support system of people you can talk to who will understand what you are dealing with. SR is great, but being a part of an in-person community is also really helpful.

Take care,
Fathom

SoloMio

Thank you.. haha.. maybe there should be a APOA (Adult Pets of Alcoholics) group.

ZiggyB

Yes, I am angry a lot. I am sure my axbf made up the wildest stories about me to his friends, he is not the most honest person in the world. He always made me out to be some kind of a crazy person.

I was tempted to tell his friends and family the truth, but most of them drink anyway and I doubt they would do anything. Then again, I did not have any children involved.

Do you think the family would believe you, or would they think you are motivated by some sort of revenge? I'm so sorry but they seem to be taking sides. Maybe they feel it's disrespectful to keep in contact with you.

When it ended, I told his best friend that he had a drinking problem, and she took him out and got him drunk. That really made me mad. Last night I was thinking, I HATE these people.

4MyBoys

ZiggyB,

Thanks for the "I HATE these people." That made me laugh and I needed that to get rid of my anger right now. I hate all his "People" also. I now understand that most of our close friends were really just his drinking buddies and their wives. A rude awakening.

I really loved when the friend of my STBXAH called me one night, I thought to give me advice, called to tell me " To never call his house to talk to his wife about my concerns again." This was the one friend of my husbands who I really thought was my friend also. And my son had just told me that he was afraid Daddy was going to kill him because he was always so mad. Lovely........

tammy711

Don't forget consistency!

Tuffgirl

I did this once. ONCE! It was the most asinine conversation I have ever had about alcoholism. I never did that again.

Its normal for families to rally around each other, healthy or not.

And its normal for families to work hard maintaining the status quo that has been in place for a long, long time.

What I did do instead was develop a network of folks I can rely on, and never again asked for anything from my in-laws. It's just easier that way.

quillan68

Yes, I get mad. I spent much of this year being incredibly angry at my STBXAW and her family and this disease. The source of the anger is resentment. After a long period of taking on all the adult responsibilities in a relationship, and coddling the alcoholic, it is only natural that we develop resentments. And the A, also quite naturally, fights back. This cycle persists until the relationship becomes toxic. And then we find ourselves getting really mad, a lot.

My STBXAW's family just doesn't want to hear about her alcoholism and pill popping. I think that's probably a normal, albeit unfortunate, response to a crisis. My AW's mom doesn't want to think that her precious little angel could be the problem, so of course she blames me, even though there is no evidence to support that view. And as others suggest, it is common for the A to cultivate sympathy by making up stories. The thing is, the A may actually believe a lot of those stories - it got to the point where I think my STBXAW didn't really know where fantasy stopped and reality began. There was a good post yesterday - Is it the A, the Addiction, or the Relationship - that had a number of good comments and links regarding the extent to which an A's thinking process can become distorted, delusional, even psychotic. And at some point the insanity just becomes too much, and the healthier person (i.e., usually not the A) needs to make a decision re how to proceed. In my case that meant setting boundaries that ultimately resulted in ending the relationship.

When a relationship is ending, it is natural for both people to go through the grief process. For the A, it just isn't comfortable - feelings never are - so they tend to hang out at the denial/blame points in the cycle. Thus the lies and blaming and delusion.

If you decide to talk to your A's family, I wish you the very best. In my case it was an awful experience - they basically blamed me and said I needed to coddle her more - but I'm sure some families would be more receptive to the idea that a valued member is sick and needs help.

amooseoncebitmysister

I get angry, too. It took me a long time to get to the point of being angry, and most of the time I was angry at *myself*, for putting up with terrible awful behavior from my AH. Now that I've moved out, there are dark moments when I struggle with anger and resentments. It is hard work. It really *is* what you do with it that counts!

For years we hid how bad the downward spiral was getting, including from his family. However, over the years it became something we could no longer hide. His parents come from an older generation where someone simply "drinks too much." They don't understand the disease and constantly are befuddled why he doesn't simply stop. (cunning baffling and powerful)

Anyway, it is an interesting conundrum - because on the one hand, we are not supposed to cover up for our As. On the other hand, there is this precept of "let the A be the person to tell or not tell."

In my mind, which I can only hope is becoming more healthy - omission is the same as a lie - and NOT telling the family or friends who cared, was essentially covering up. I became unwilling to do that.

IME approaching his family with kindness and sincerity, is the right way to go. IME sincerity and detachment-with-love is the best approach, and you can't really go wrong. At least you can feel you've tried - I found comfort in that.