Advice Appreciated
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 398
Advice Appreciated
So, I just met with a family friend of AH and mine. This family friend is a professor who teaches counseling. He's also trying to help AH through his recovery via methadone (not from methadone....via methadone).
He wanted to talk with me to see how I think things are going w/ AH's recovery. I told him that I'm really just waiting for him to relapse again. He said that AH has told him that AH doesn't believe anyone really thinks he can recover. I told friend that I don't really believe AH will recover because I don't think AH truly wants to recover. I think he likes getting high. I don't think he's working on recovery because he's not going to meetings, etc. However, I told him this is AH's recovery and he's an adult so he can do what he wants.
He then asked what my goal is for all of this. I told him to not have to worry about AH's addiction. He interpreted that to me saying that my goal was for AH to be clean. I corrected him. I told him my goal is for me not to have to worry about AH's addiction. If he's clean, I won't have to worry; but if he's not clean, there are ways I can arrange my life so that I'm not worrying.
He said he thinks its best if AH and I continue to live together. I told him its not best for my kids to live with a drug addict. He agreed, but said AH is trying to recover and then asked me what I could do to help.
What do you mean, what can I do to help? He asked, what were some ways I could create an atmosphere of recovery at home? Like I don't have enough to do already! I told him I didn't think that this is very fair- to put the responsibility on me to create an atmosphere of recovery at home. I told him I can't make AH recover. I've tried in the past and it hasn't worked. He said to think of something different I can try. Sweet lord, like I haven't already driven myself crazy trying to think of ways to help AH recover!!!!!!
Finally, he wants me to think of one nice thing I could do for AH today that would really blow him away to show him that I care about him and believe in him. I told friend that I don't believe in AH. I don't believe he'll recover and I think in 2 years from now, AH will still be an addict.
My gosh. I had to buck up and figure out the road to my own recovery. When's AH going to create an atmosphere of recovery for me at home? At least he has methadone or opiates or alcohol or whatever to take the edge off......I have nothing! Not that I want to start using, but still.
SO AGGRAVATED!
And then I think of how childish I'm being. I don't want to do anything extra nice for my husband because I don't think he deserves it? After all he's done to me and our family, why should I do something extra nice for him? It's pretty bad if a wife feels indignant about doing something nice for her husband.
Any advice on how I can make our home more of an atmosphere of recovery? Or what one nice thing I could do for AH today? No, really. I do want to help him recover, so where's the line? What could I do to help him yet not enable him or fix him?
He wanted to talk with me to see how I think things are going w/ AH's recovery. I told him that I'm really just waiting for him to relapse again. He said that AH has told him that AH doesn't believe anyone really thinks he can recover. I told friend that I don't really believe AH will recover because I don't think AH truly wants to recover. I think he likes getting high. I don't think he's working on recovery because he's not going to meetings, etc. However, I told him this is AH's recovery and he's an adult so he can do what he wants.
He then asked what my goal is for all of this. I told him to not have to worry about AH's addiction. He interpreted that to me saying that my goal was for AH to be clean. I corrected him. I told him my goal is for me not to have to worry about AH's addiction. If he's clean, I won't have to worry; but if he's not clean, there are ways I can arrange my life so that I'm not worrying.
He said he thinks its best if AH and I continue to live together. I told him its not best for my kids to live with a drug addict. He agreed, but said AH is trying to recover and then asked me what I could do to help.
What do you mean, what can I do to help? He asked, what were some ways I could create an atmosphere of recovery at home? Like I don't have enough to do already! I told him I didn't think that this is very fair- to put the responsibility on me to create an atmosphere of recovery at home. I told him I can't make AH recover. I've tried in the past and it hasn't worked. He said to think of something different I can try. Sweet lord, like I haven't already driven myself crazy trying to think of ways to help AH recover!!!!!!
Finally, he wants me to think of one nice thing I could do for AH today that would really blow him away to show him that I care about him and believe in him. I told friend that I don't believe in AH. I don't believe he'll recover and I think in 2 years from now, AH will still be an addict.
My gosh. I had to buck up and figure out the road to my own recovery. When's AH going to create an atmosphere of recovery for me at home? At least he has methadone or opiates or alcohol or whatever to take the edge off......I have nothing! Not that I want to start using, but still.
SO AGGRAVATED!
And then I think of how childish I'm being. I don't want to do anything extra nice for my husband because I don't think he deserves it? After all he's done to me and our family, why should I do something extra nice for him? It's pretty bad if a wife feels indignant about doing something nice for her husband.
Any advice on how I can make our home more of an atmosphere of recovery? Or what one nice thing I could do for AH today? No, really. I do want to help him recover, so where's the line? What could I do to help him yet not enable him or fix him?
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: dublin ireland
Posts: 14
i think your AH must be whining about everything to this friend how he feels like no one cares about him bla bla bla...they do like to get sympathy votes,they like ppl to feel sorry for them.as for you to help him recover? i suppose you can tell him you are there for him if he wants to get something off his chest!!that only if you are able for it. i have a feeling that you are not there yet and its ok not to. you are still very angry and full of resentment and for the right reasons,he put you and your children thru a lot he should be gratefull you are still there and you havent divorced him by now. the best way to help him is to seek help for yourself...put yourself and your kids first, his recovery is HIS work and worrie not yours. he has a lot of making up to do towards you not you towards him...tell this proffesor to take a hike, he wasnt there on a daily basis to see it first hand what its like to live with someone like your AH...and no one said you HAVE TO do what this proffesor sais....
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
It's obvious this friend can not be unbiased! Does he have any experience with addiction counseling?
I will be honest, I liked when my husband was taking suboxone. Things appeared to be "normal" again. It was after he stopped, he relapsed. The real hard part had kicked in, the urges, the cravings, the disease tricking them. (Another RA on SR warned me of this and she was right).
My AH said he didn't need meetings to stay clean while on it, but was glad he went anyway. Even during his relapse, he still went to meetings which I found so deceitful and so hypocritical but other RA's have said - it's not uncommon and it was good that he kept going.
The point of the meetings and steps is to change your thinking, your behavior and for support. Methadone and suboxone are good maintenance drugs for some...but the motivation still needs to be there. Its not a quick fix...like I had thought for a while!!
You know your gut instincts are right, follow them!! The professor does not have to live will the chaos and pain of living with an addict!
I will be honest, I liked when my husband was taking suboxone. Things appeared to be "normal" again. It was after he stopped, he relapsed. The real hard part had kicked in, the urges, the cravings, the disease tricking them. (Another RA on SR warned me of this and she was right).
My AH said he didn't need meetings to stay clean while on it, but was glad he went anyway. Even during his relapse, he still went to meetings which I found so deceitful and so hypocritical but other RA's have said - it's not uncommon and it was good that he kept going.
The point of the meetings and steps is to change your thinking, your behavior and for support. Methadone and suboxone are good maintenance drugs for some...but the motivation still needs to be there. Its not a quick fix...like I had thought for a while!!
You know your gut instincts are right, follow them!! The professor does not have to live will the chaos and pain of living with an addict!
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Savannah Georgia
Posts: 124
Tell him the best damn thing you can do for HIS recovery is to continue YOUR OWN recovery so you are no longer sick and you can see clearly that NOTHING you do is going to make him do drugs or keep him from doing drugs! He's a big boy and knows perfectly well how to take care of himself! That ticks me off with "Professor Do Good!!"
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
Wow, did Professor Hubris get all that from his text book, "How to Be a Codependent Spouse 101"?
My response, the nice thing you are doing for AH today is creating a safe environment for his children. Unfortunately for him he is the safety issue, but I'm sure when he was in his right mind he cared about things like that, so that is the nice thing you are doing for him.
As for creating an environment of recovery, the best place for an addict to be to,reach out for help is from the bottom. Creating a peaceful place for him to land will only encourage more lies and using behind your back. Besides, you can not do anything to make him quit.
And of course you are angry. Sorry, you got holding the bag of life and now this guy wants you to pamper AH's butt and make sure you put some powder and desitin on first. Uh,no. He's lucky you even entertained his thoughts, but you know you are not obligated to listen to or entertain anyone else's opinions or advice. PERiOD! Our Codie nature tells us we need to and to be polite about it. But that is a lie, the truth is, phones have off buttons, the word NO is a full sentence and goodbye is a polite way to end any conversation.
My response, the nice thing you are doing for AH today is creating a safe environment for his children. Unfortunately for him he is the safety issue, but I'm sure when he was in his right mind he cared about things like that, so that is the nice thing you are doing for him.
As for creating an environment of recovery, the best place for an addict to be to,reach out for help is from the bottom. Creating a peaceful place for him to land will only encourage more lies and using behind your back. Besides, you can not do anything to make him quit.
And of course you are angry. Sorry, you got holding the bag of life and now this guy wants you to pamper AH's butt and make sure you put some powder and desitin on first. Uh,no. He's lucky you even entertained his thoughts, but you know you are not obligated to listen to or entertain anyone else's opinions or advice. PERiOD! Our Codie nature tells us we need to and to be polite about it. But that is a lie, the truth is, phones have off buttons, the word NO is a full sentence and goodbye is a polite way to end any conversation.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Ya know, with an educated man like "professor" talking like this, it's a wonder so many of suffer from codependency. Maybe you should give him the book Codependent No More as an early Christmas gift and really educate him. Geesh!! His advice is very aggravating!!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Faithlove 
He said he thinks its best if AH and I continue to live together. I told him its not best for my kids to live with a drug addict. He agreed, but said AH is trying to recover and then asked me what I could do to help.
Warm up the codie bus. We can all meet at your place at 7 and move your husnband's stuff into the therapist's home.
He asked, what were some ways I could create an atmosphere of recovery at home?
Last I checked you were not running Sober Living housing.
Finally, he wants me to think of one nice thing I could do for AH today that would really blow him away to show him that I care about him and believe in him.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by cynical one
I'm a cheap date, I don't do wine (or whine) so you're safe. 
Good, then you can be the designated driver. You may need a stun gun for all us drunk codependents in one bus! Can you imagine? :rotfxko(disclaimer: I am kidding about getting drunk)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 398
Originally Posted by outtolunch
He's only been on Methadone a matter of weeks. Just curious if he continues to smoke pot and/or drink?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Pot and alcohol are common gateways back to the drug of choice.
Sobriety means no mood altering substances.
Trust your gut. He's not done, yet.
Baking him a cake is not going to snap him out of it.
Sobriety means no mood altering substances.
Trust your gut. He's not done, yet.
Baking him a cake is not going to snap him out of it.
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