And it keeps getting worse...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
And it keeps getting worse...
I have came into a bunch of information in the last few days regarding STBXAH. I found out about the infidelity a few weeks ago and punted him out. I was devastated. I had been flip flopping about leaving regarding the alcohol, but the cheating was the last straw.
Today I find out that it was not a one time thing, he had been living a complete other life with this woman. He works away for months at a time and is never home longer than a week or so. He lived with her for those months he was away and then snuck around to see her when he came back....even when it was only for four days. I am completely gob smacked. How did I not see it? How could he do it? Which came first,the excessive drinking or the girlfriend? I do know that he is an A. There is no way around that....but now I question everything. I feel like every happy moment was a lie. Watching our child being born. Everything. Ugh. I feel dirty and slimy and gross and I guess I just needed to get it off my chest.
I just can't wrap my head around it.
Today I find out that it was not a one time thing, he had been living a complete other life with this woman. He works away for months at a time and is never home longer than a week or so. He lived with her for those months he was away and then snuck around to see her when he came back....even when it was only for four days. I am completely gob smacked. How did I not see it? How could he do it? Which came first,the excessive drinking or the girlfriend? I do know that he is an A. There is no way around that....but now I question everything. I feel like every happy moment was a lie. Watching our child being born. Everything. Ugh. I feel dirty and slimy and gross and I guess I just needed to get it off my chest.
I just can't wrap my head around it.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
The betrayal is just salt in the wound. I went through it about a month ago (read my thread: more was revealed). I'm many many months removed from my marriage and it still hurt like heck.
The good news is that it doesn't hurt nearly as much today. My nerve endings have settled and clarity and peace are slowly developing. Knowing what my XAH was/is capable of has been a huge motivator to keep my recovery going full steam ahead.
Hugs to you... This too shall pass - keep on taking care of you
The good news is that it doesn't hurt nearly as much today. My nerve endings have settled and clarity and peace are slowly developing. Knowing what my XAH was/is capable of has been a huge motivator to keep my recovery going full steam ahead.
Hugs to you... This too shall pass - keep on taking care of you
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
Oh Confetti,
What an awful thing to discover on top of everything you've already discovered. I'm so sorry that you are in such pain. It certainly confirms that you are on the right path.....the path that leads away from him.
Please know that you deserve so much better. You are strong and a wonderfully caring mother who will come through this. You will.
Sending hugs and support.
MamaKit
What an awful thing to discover on top of everything you've already discovered. I'm so sorry that you are in such pain. It certainly confirms that you are on the right path.....the path that leads away from him.
Please know that you deserve so much better. You are strong and a wonderfully caring mother who will come through this. You will.
Sending hugs and support.
MamaKit
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Big hugs to you, friend.
None of it has anything to do with you.
None of it reflects on your value as a woman, wife, mother, or human being.
He was just an alcoholic.
Quite possibly also a prize a$$.
None of it has anything to do with you.
None of it reflects on your value as a woman, wife, mother, or human being.
He was just an alcoholic.
Quite possibly also a prize a$$.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
Many hugs, Confetti!
I have honestly never understood cheaters, or anyone who would turn their back so hurtfully on the ones they supposedly love. I put my STBXAH squarely in that camp even though I don't think he ever had sexual relations with someone behind my back. His actions were nevertheless a huge betrayal of my love, trust, and respect. Soon after I left him, I started to question the reality of our relationship for the past ten years. I remember explaining this to my therapist one day... "was it really ever as good as I remember it being? I thought we were so committed to each other!". She stopped me dead and told me that what I thought we had was real. That really threw me for a loop and she never really explained herself fully. But, I think now that it was real, at least my end was real. I was committed, and my actions and feelings were in line with that commitment. It's a small consolation prize for feeling so duped by my AH's lies. But, I think it's important to realize that we are not completely broken. We are capable of giving love and participating in a loving relationship in ways that our A's are apparently not. We just need to better recognize the people worthy of our love. You gave your all to that relationship, and that is something to be proud of. It's too bad for him that he is so stuck in the chaotic he!! of being an A that he cannot see the greatness that his life with you was.
Take care,
Fathom
I have honestly never understood cheaters, or anyone who would turn their back so hurtfully on the ones they supposedly love. I put my STBXAH squarely in that camp even though I don't think he ever had sexual relations with someone behind my back. His actions were nevertheless a huge betrayal of my love, trust, and respect. Soon after I left him, I started to question the reality of our relationship for the past ten years. I remember explaining this to my therapist one day... "was it really ever as good as I remember it being? I thought we were so committed to each other!". She stopped me dead and told me that what I thought we had was real. That really threw me for a loop and she never really explained herself fully. But, I think now that it was real, at least my end was real. I was committed, and my actions and feelings were in line with that commitment. It's a small consolation prize for feeling so duped by my AH's lies. But, I think it's important to realize that we are not completely broken. We are capable of giving love and participating in a loving relationship in ways that our A's are apparently not. We just need to better recognize the people worthy of our love. You gave your all to that relationship, and that is something to be proud of. It's too bad for him that he is so stuck in the chaotic he!! of being an A that he cannot see the greatness that his life with you was.
Take care,
Fathom
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
Thank you so much....all of you. I really needed to feel the love tonight.
I am reeling from the revelations. When I met him 13 years ago he was my sun, my moon, and my stars. It is hard to describe what a loving and caring person he was without quickly being pulled into the reality of what he is now. Now, I don't think I would give him a second glance if I met him. The truth if his actions is so very hurtful, but in some ways it is exactly what I need to fan the fire. It makes it that much easier to know that I am doing the right thing. It makes it that much easier to know he is messed up.
He is currently residing in Imaginarydrunkville. Perhaps your spouse/significant other/loved one has been there. It is where things are all going to work out, I will let him come home, and we will live happily while he has a girlfriend and spends every last cent on liquor and "having fun" .......and i need to stay....because of course, he isn't sure how to do his own banking.
I keep reminding myself that the sun will rise tomorrow and each day without him gets easier.
Thank you again for the love.
I am reeling from the revelations. When I met him 13 years ago he was my sun, my moon, and my stars. It is hard to describe what a loving and caring person he was without quickly being pulled into the reality of what he is now. Now, I don't think I would give him a second glance if I met him. The truth if his actions is so very hurtful, but in some ways it is exactly what I need to fan the fire. It makes it that much easier to know that I am doing the right thing. It makes it that much easier to know he is messed up.
He is currently residing in Imaginarydrunkville. Perhaps your spouse/significant other/loved one has been there. It is where things are all going to work out, I will let him come home, and we will live happily while he has a girlfriend and spends every last cent on liquor and "having fun" .......and i need to stay....because of course, he isn't sure how to do his own banking.
I keep reminding myself that the sun will rise tomorrow and each day without him gets easier.
Thank you again for the love.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi Confetti, 
I'm so sorry to hear about this. I know how much betrayal hurts--from experience.
Please try not to feel bad about yourself! I know thats hard--I know. But none of his behaviors and actions are your fault. He is the one who has behaved in an evil and slimy and disgusting fashion-not you.
You can feel proud that you were able to get out of that situation. You did well!!
Many hugs and good thoughts and prayers headed your way!
I'm so sorry to hear about this. I know how much betrayal hurts--from experience.
Please try not to feel bad about yourself! I know thats hard--I know. But none of his behaviors and actions are your fault. He is the one who has behaved in an evil and slimy and disgusting fashion-not you.
You can feel proud that you were able to get out of that situation. You did well!!
Many hugs and good thoughts and prayers headed your way!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I knew my loved one struggled with alcohol about five years before I started to get help for it.
It was an affair that finally got me dealing with reality, and dealing with both (about 24hrs after I found out).
I have found that they both have been incredibly painful, but that recovery work from either, usually helps healing from both.
Hugs to you at this time.
It was an affair that finally got me dealing with reality, and dealing with both (about 24hrs after I found out).
I have found that they both have been incredibly painful, but that recovery work from either, usually helps healing from both.
Hugs to you at this time.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Thank you Confetti, for sharing that. And your feelings. I too have been betrayed and have questioned the entire relationship because of it. At first, I just felt like a fool, and cried and cried from the depths of my soul. Over time, I started to piece some things together and could put some of his behaviors into context, making sense of some of the sickness he had exhibited with the knowledge of who he apparently was. Still though, I am left with the hurt, and the wonder. Who WAS that person? Who was that man who would do anything for me, the most affectionate and doting man I had ever known, but then all of a sudden became a stranger living in my home, treating me like a co-worker or casual acquaintance?
One thing helped me. The writings of George Simon, a clinical psychologist, who is an expert in character disorders. Once I read his book, I began to start feeling better, moving through the pain. You can get the book on Amazon, but there is also a webpage where you can read it. I found it on Google.
Everyone is right; WHAT HE HAS DONE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU (I'm not yelling, just stressing this point). I have had to remind myself of this every day for months now. A person who would do what your XAH has done, is a very sick, selfish, immoral person. It is best to keep our distance from such people.
Surround yourself with caring, loving, supportive people. Immerse yourself in what you know makes you strong. Do not let this defeat you. You are worth so much more than this disgusting person can even begin to see.
One thing helped me. The writings of George Simon, a clinical psychologist, who is an expert in character disorders. Once I read his book, I began to start feeling better, moving through the pain. You can get the book on Amazon, but there is also a webpage where you can read it. I found it on Google.
Everyone is right; WHAT HE HAS DONE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU (I'm not yelling, just stressing this point). I have had to remind myself of this every day for months now. A person who would do what your XAH has done, is a very sick, selfish, immoral person. It is best to keep our distance from such people.
Surround yourself with caring, loving, supportive people. Immerse yourself in what you know makes you strong. Do not let this defeat you. You are worth so much more than this disgusting person can even begin to see.
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