If I give up on myself then all is lost
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,359
If I give up on myself then all is lost
So I can't.
I'm best part way through a bottle of vodka though and... I'm just trying to to think of the emotions. I don't appear to have any.
That's how I felt when I bought it earlier too. Emotionless. There was no battle there was nothing. Maybe resignation that this is what I do, but there was no anxiety, no regret.
This will all of course change in the morning when I feel like poo. Nothing bad has happened, nothing good has happened. Nothing has happened. In fact I've sat through 3 hours of Xfactor which I would never do sober, so I guess you could say something awful has happened.
Not finishing the rest, going to bed and posting now because I know I won't post in the morning full of hangover and shame.
I've lost my way, very much. Do I want this? No. Why am I doing it? I honestly don't know. I wasn't craving, I wasn't missing, I wasn't climbing the walls... I drank because I wanted to and I could.
What a prat.
I'm likening it to my old self harm days. I haven't thought about that for years, but I used to cut with glass and be stitched up in A&E. Drinking is self harm too. Maybe I've left one form but can't leave another?
I'm still on the waiting list for counselling, I saw my doctor late August for my follow up appointment - so have you drank since our last meeting? No. How are you feeling? Pretty good. Well then, there doesn't seem to be too much of a problem then. Ok. Go shop buy booze.
The early days are not like they once were - there is no excitement, there is no day 8 woohoo, there is just a sense of here I am again.
Maybe I've never been honest enough with anybody or myself. I know I haven't tried enough with all the new avenues I found to explore. Hah now I am feeling because I am crying. I will not give up this fight (and I dont believe it has to be a fight) I will not quit quitting.
I deserve good things. I deserve to love myself and look after myself and be good to myself. I'm not going to leave this site or give up. I worry that others will think I am a failure, and that's what keeps me away. That is not my problem. My problem is me and I have to get well.
I'm such a donkey, have been for too many years now.
And post before I delete
I'm best part way through a bottle of vodka though and... I'm just trying to to think of the emotions. I don't appear to have any.
That's how I felt when I bought it earlier too. Emotionless. There was no battle there was nothing. Maybe resignation that this is what I do, but there was no anxiety, no regret.
This will all of course change in the morning when I feel like poo. Nothing bad has happened, nothing good has happened. Nothing has happened. In fact I've sat through 3 hours of Xfactor which I would never do sober, so I guess you could say something awful has happened.
Not finishing the rest, going to bed and posting now because I know I won't post in the morning full of hangover and shame.
I've lost my way, very much. Do I want this? No. Why am I doing it? I honestly don't know. I wasn't craving, I wasn't missing, I wasn't climbing the walls... I drank because I wanted to and I could.
What a prat.
I'm likening it to my old self harm days. I haven't thought about that for years, but I used to cut with glass and be stitched up in A&E. Drinking is self harm too. Maybe I've left one form but can't leave another?
I'm still on the waiting list for counselling, I saw my doctor late August for my follow up appointment - so have you drank since our last meeting? No. How are you feeling? Pretty good. Well then, there doesn't seem to be too much of a problem then. Ok. Go shop buy booze.
The early days are not like they once were - there is no excitement, there is no day 8 woohoo, there is just a sense of here I am again.
Maybe I've never been honest enough with anybody or myself. I know I haven't tried enough with all the new avenues I found to explore. Hah now I am feeling because I am crying. I will not give up this fight (and I dont believe it has to be a fight) I will not quit quitting.
I deserve good things. I deserve to love myself and look after myself and be good to myself. I'm not going to leave this site or give up. I worry that others will think I am a failure, and that's what keeps me away. That is not my problem. My problem is me and I have to get well.
I'm such a donkey, have been for too many years now.
And post before I delete
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Originally Posted by MyTimeNow 
I deserve good things. I deserve to love myself and look after myself and be good to myself. I'm not going to leave this site or give up. I worry that others will think I am a failure, and that's what keeps me away. That is not my problem. My problem is me and I have to get well.
I'm such a donkey, have been for too many years now.
And post before I delete
Wow, great share... I got chills from this one /\ This is what it is all about & you do deserve it (and much much more).
It is your time & it all starts again tomorrow, stay close OK? I have a feeling you are really going to grow into sobriety nicely after reading your post. WE are with you & will never give up on you.
Go rest now & take it easy on yourself
Goodnight ~ NB
EDIT: I was talking about your first post ;-)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Originally Posted by MyTimeNow
I think I have resigned myself to this is what I do in life... so...
That's just stupid.
That's just stupid.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 1,225
so tomorrow morning you will feel hungover, and feel shame, as you state. Do you really want to live that way? You don't have to drink. It doesn't sound like you want to drink either. Nothing bad has happened YET. This is a progressive disease. It won't get better, it won't stay the same. It will get worse. Much worse.
There are many ways to recover. For me, AA was a life saver. If you are willing to give it a try, I suggest finding out where there are meetings near you.
But if you keep this up, bad things will happen.
There are many ways to recover. For me, AA was a life saver. If you are willing to give it a try, I suggest finding out where there are meetings near you.
But if you keep this up, bad things will happen.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Surrey, UK
Posts: 522
Dear MyTimeNow,
You sound very lucid to me despite your intake...there is actually a lot of help avail in the UK (not sure where you are?) I work for the NHS so can give you some leads if you need help.
Love your avatar by the way. Where is that?
You sound very lucid to me despite your intake...there is actually a lot of help avail in the UK (not sure where you are?) I work for the NHS so can give you some leads if you need help.
Love your avatar by the way. Where is that?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Hi MTN
you're not a failure - you're just like the rest of us.
The key to getting out of that cycle is change.
Change is not easy - you'll meet Drs who won't be interested, you'll have to wait for counselling appointments, recovery programmes or books will never quite be an ideal fit...life will continue to throw you challenges.
But if you're worthy of a better life - a sober one...you need to roll with those disappointments and obstacles and put up with a little short term discomfort for a long term gain.
I know - every fibre of your being will tell you that you can't...and every muscle memory you have will want you to reach out for a bottle...but, in the end, you have to say no, MTN.
We don't need to do it alone tho.
I found support really helps MTN - I don't know what recovery programmes you've looked into, but if nothing you're doing is helping you break free of the cycle, maybe it's time to look again?
I know you have a great life waiting for you on the other side of this.
My advice is don't wait - run towards it
D
you're not a failure - you're just like the rest of us.
The key to getting out of that cycle is change.
Change is not easy - you'll meet Drs who won't be interested, you'll have to wait for counselling appointments, recovery programmes or books will never quite be an ideal fit...life will continue to throw you challenges.
But if you're worthy of a better life - a sober one...you need to roll with those disappointments and obstacles and put up with a little short term discomfort for a long term gain.
I know - every fibre of your being will tell you that you can't...and every muscle memory you have will want you to reach out for a bottle...but, in the end, you have to say no, MTN.
We don't need to do it alone tho.
I found support really helps MTN - I don't know what recovery programmes you've looked into, but if nothing you're doing is helping you break free of the cycle, maybe it's time to look again?
I know you have a great life waiting for you on the other side of this.
My advice is don't wait - run towards it
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,359
Originally Posted by NewBeginning010
Hi MyTime,
Wow, great share... I got chills from this one /\ This is what it is all about & you do deserve it (and much much more).
It is your time & it all starts again tomorrow, stay close OK? I have a feeling you are really going to grow into sobriety nicely after reading your post. WE are with you & will never give up on you.
Go rest now & take it easy on yourself
Goodnight ~ NB
EDIT: I was talking about your first post ;-)
Wow, great share... I got chills from this one /\ This is what it is all about & you do deserve it (and much much more).
It is your time & it all starts again tomorrow, stay close OK? I have a feeling you are really going to grow into sobriety nicely after reading your post. WE are with you & will never give up on you.
Go rest now & take it easy on yourself
Goodnight ~ NB
EDIT: I was talking about your first post ;-)
I'll be full of regret in the morning no doubt, but for now, water (lots of) and sleep xx
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,554
MyTime - You're doing some serious soul searching. I did a lot of that before I was finally ready to quit. I was disgusted with myself - and in my heart I knew I would one day give it up. I had to be ready, or it would be a lame attempt.
It sounds like you're getting closer to committing to getting sober. You are not a donkey or a failure. As you said, you're not going to quit quitting. We're here for you - we know you can make it out of that foggy world you've put yourself in and reclaim your life.
It sounds like you're getting closer to committing to getting sober. You are not a donkey or a failure. As you said, you're not going to quit quitting. We're here for you - we know you can make it out of that foggy world you've put yourself in and reclaim your life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,359
I'll catch up with you all in the morning. I have read and appreciate all your support. Bed is the best thing for me right now though and I WILL be back in the morning. Thank you and night night xxx
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 1,410
MyTimeNow, I was the same way when I got drunk on my 30th birthday. I was not depress/anxiety, no regrads. So, I'm 30 years old and don't have much to my name anymore. It was different 5 years ago, had a lot of money save, had a house but I move and now I have a job but not one that makes a lot of money to pay off my hospital bills, credit card debt and IRS which I didn't pay it yet only my credit card debt.
My goal is to pay off my credit card debt and IRS before my birthday and not drink anymore. If I can pass 90 days then things should go well again my my life.
My goal is to pay off my credit card debt and IRS before my birthday and not drink anymore. If I can pass 90 days then things should go well again my my life.
TiG
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Chicago Area
Posts: 381
Hey MTN,
Sorry your having a hard time, but I believe in you. You can do this. Toss the rest of the bottle down the drain, get some rest, and sign back into SR in the morning. It's the alcohol telling you to be ashamed, because no one here feels that way towards you at all. I admire your fight and will to be sober. You can do it. Good job posting tonight. Please keep posting.
Sorry your having a hard time, but I believe in you. You can do this. Toss the rest of the bottle down the drain, get some rest, and sign back into SR in the morning. It's the alcohol telling you to be ashamed, because no one here feels that way towards you at all. I admire your fight and will to be sober. You can do it. Good job posting tonight. Please keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: NYC/NJ
Posts: 431
Thanks for the post MTN, you sound too self aware and smart to not have a recovery success story written all over your future. Stop the negative self talk and stop thinking so much. Just get on with it already.
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 604
MTN good to hear from you! Sorry you're struggling with it all right now. Tomorrow is a new day and as Oprah says "another chance to get it right".
You had me laughing out loud re XFactor. You know you can do this, you're just at that rebellious stage right now that's fighting it. You have the desire, and that's the most important part. You drank because it's a habit that you've been doing for years, because you were bored, because you lost confidence in yourself. You can turn that around.
You had me laughing out loud re XFactor. You know you can do this, you're just at that rebellious stage right now that's fighting it. You have the desire, and that's the most important part. You drank because it's a habit that you've been doing for years, because you were bored, because you lost confidence in yourself. You can turn that around.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 540
Hello MTM. I distinctly remember the moment a few months ago that I, too, had resigned myself to being a drunk for the rest of my life. I was driving thru town, buzzed (ashamed of this) mid morning, wondering why yet again I had to drink first thing in the am. And why did I think it ok to drive!? And why was I like this? And how did it get this bad? Then I just thought, oh well, this is what I am. So I'll be a drunk. I'm doing ok, sort of. This is just how I'm going to cope with life, for the rest of my life. so be it. And it went like this for a few more months. Then I saw my dr., told her everything, quit a couple weeks later with her supervision, joined AA, found SR, and now I'm 20 days sober.
So my point is, I understand this defeastist thinking, but you must not think this way. It's the alcohol talking, the disease talking, trying to make you give up. do not give up! Ever! Many times I tried to quit or even cut down and I couldn't even make it a day. The last time I was able to go without drinking was two years ago, and I made it a month then slipped, and proceeded to drink for two more years.
You can do this. SR is a great place to start. There is no judgement here and lots and lots of support and advice. I also recommend checking out AA. And talk to your dr. about quitting safely. I hope tomorrow finds you more opptomistic.
So my point is, I understand this defeastist thinking, but you must not think this way. It's the alcohol talking, the disease talking, trying to make you give up. do not give up! Ever! Many times I tried to quit or even cut down and I couldn't even make it a day. The last time I was able to go without drinking was two years ago, and I made it a month then slipped, and proceeded to drink for two more years.
You can do this. SR is a great place to start. There is no judgement here and lots and lots of support and advice. I also recommend checking out AA. And talk to your dr. about quitting safely. I hope tomorrow finds you more opptomistic.
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