Whole lot of excuses and no idea where to turn
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 4
Whole lot of excuses and no idea where to turn
I hope you don't mind a newcomer. I'm a bit lost, and really can't make sense of things, what to do and how to find recovery. I'll try and be brief, and appreciate any input.
It is 5 years since I drank. I did a year in AA, working on my sobriety. Things did get better, till I slipped (didn't drink but had an affair) and left Managed to get my relationship problems manageable, and have been ok for 4 years. Had a baby, had a dreadful time with my mental health (PTSD and OCD amongst other things). I did 18 months in one on one pyscotherapy. Things improved a lot, but then one day I just didn't want to go back. I never went back, and startedinh self mutilating again.
I don't know what I am, whether I'm crazy and have impulse control issues. Whether I'm an alcoholic who is relying on other things. Wether I'm just an attention seeker (been told this a lot). I seem to have issues with everything, drinking, abusing prescription pills (still find myself stockpiling painkillers for no reason), relationships, unenjoyable sex, self harm, shopping.
I still think of drinking, used to be fleeting, but found my self having an internal battle about whether to buy a bottle today.
I can't cope with emotions. I can't sit with them, I need to try and change feelings. Control feelings.
Where do I go? All I see are barriers. I've got a very young baby and an unsupportive partner, I can't see myself getting to a meeting. I don't want to go back to my therapist. I can't really afford to start over with private therapy, and I'd have to take my baby. The NHS are a constant battle, my GP referred me to the mental health team, who said I wasn't suitable. I went back to GP as age requested to see me and she said she would call me the next day but the call never came. I can't fight but I can't carry on like this.
Sorry, I tried to be brief.
It is 5 years since I drank. I did a year in AA, working on my sobriety. Things did get better, till I slipped (didn't drink but had an affair) and left Managed to get my relationship problems manageable, and have been ok for 4 years. Had a baby, had a dreadful time with my mental health (PTSD and OCD amongst other things). I did 18 months in one on one pyscotherapy. Things improved a lot, but then one day I just didn't want to go back. I never went back, and startedinh self mutilating again.
I don't know what I am, whether I'm crazy and have impulse control issues. Whether I'm an alcoholic who is relying on other things. Wether I'm just an attention seeker (been told this a lot). I seem to have issues with everything, drinking, abusing prescription pills (still find myself stockpiling painkillers for no reason), relationships, unenjoyable sex, self harm, shopping.
I still think of drinking, used to be fleeting, but found my self having an internal battle about whether to buy a bottle today.
I can't cope with emotions. I can't sit with them, I need to try and change feelings. Control feelings.
Where do I go? All I see are barriers. I've got a very young baby and an unsupportive partner, I can't see myself getting to a meeting. I don't want to go back to my therapist. I can't really afford to start over with private therapy, and I'd have to take my baby. The NHS are a constant battle, my GP referred me to the mental health team, who said I wasn't suitable. I went back to GP as age requested to see me and she said she would call me the next day but the call never came. I can't fight but I can't carry on like this.
Sorry, I tried to be brief.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Welcome to SR AddictedBrit 
If I was you I'd be tempted to kick the NHS up the arse a bit to make sure you get the help you deserve. It can be really frustrating but they should be providing you with support. If you have an unhelpful GP you could always self refer to a drug and alcohol agency... that is what I did and it has been the best decision I have made so far in my recovery. At least now I feel like someone is on my side in the health services and knows what help is available in my local area. If you phone drinkline (0800 917 8282) they should be able to help you find something locally.
I know sometimes it doesn't look like there is much help out there but there is more than it can appear when you keep getting hit in the face with brick walls, it's just a matter of looking in the right place. Maybe try addaction too (Find help - Addaction) or Mind (0300 123 3393).
I hope you find some decent support soon x
If I was you I'd be tempted to kick the NHS up the arse a bit to make sure you get the help you deserve. It can be really frustrating but they should be providing you with support. If you have an unhelpful GP you could always self refer to a drug and alcohol agency... that is what I did and it has been the best decision I have made so far in my recovery. At least now I feel like someone is on my side in the health services and knows what help is available in my local area. If you phone drinkline (0800 917 8282) they should be able to help you find something locally.
I know sometimes it doesn't look like there is much help out there but there is more than it can appear when you keep getting hit in the face with brick walls, it's just a matter of looking in the right place. Maybe try addaction too (Find help - Addaction) or Mind (0300 123 3393).
I hope you find some decent support soon x
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 507
Originally Posted by AddictedBrit 
I hope you don't mind a newcomer. I'm a bit lost, and really can't make sense of things, what to do and how to find recovery. I'll try and be brief, and appreciate any input.
It is 5 years since I drank. I did a year in AA, working on my sobriety. Things did get better, till I slipped (didn't drink but had an affair) and left Managed to get my relationship problems manageable, and have been ok for 4 years. Had a baby, had a dreadful time with my mental health (PTSD and OCD amongst other things). I did 18 months in one on one pyscotherapy. Things improved a lot, but then one day I just didn't want to go back. I never went back, and startedinh self mutilating again.
I don't know what I am, whether I'm crazy and have impulse control issues. Whether I'm an alcoholic who is relying on other things. Wether I'm just an attention seeker (been told this a lot). I seem to have issues with everything, drinking, abusing prescription pills (still find myself stockpiling painkillers for no reason), relationships, unenjoyable sex, self harm, shopping.
I still think of drinking, used to be fleeting, but found my self having an internal battle about whether to buy a bottle today.
I can't cope with emotions. I can't sit with them, I need to try and change feelings. Control feelings.
Where do I go? All I see are barriers. I've got a very young baby and an unsupportive partner, I can't see myself getting to a meeting. I don't want to go back to my therapist. I can't really afford to start over with private therapy, and I'd have to take my baby. The NHS are a constant battle, my GP referred me to the mental health team, who said I wasn't suitable. I went back to GP as age requested to see me and she said she would call me the next day but the call never came. I can't fight but I can't carry on like this.
Sorry, I tried to be brief.
It is 5 years since I drank. I did a year in AA, working on my sobriety. Things did get better, till I slipped (didn't drink but had an affair) and left Managed to get my relationship problems manageable, and have been ok for 4 years. Had a baby, had a dreadful time with my mental health (PTSD and OCD amongst other things). I did 18 months in one on one pyscotherapy. Things improved a lot, but then one day I just didn't want to go back. I never went back, and startedinh self mutilating again.
I don't know what I am, whether I'm crazy and have impulse control issues. Whether I'm an alcoholic who is relying on other things. Wether I'm just an attention seeker (been told this a lot). I seem to have issues with everything, drinking, abusing prescription pills (still find myself stockpiling painkillers for no reason), relationships, unenjoyable sex, self harm, shopping.
I still think of drinking, used to be fleeting, but found my self having an internal battle about whether to buy a bottle today.
I can't cope with emotions. I can't sit with them, I need to try and change feelings. Control feelings.
Where do I go? All I see are barriers. I've got a very young baby and an unsupportive partner, I can't see myself getting to a meeting. I don't want to go back to my therapist. I can't really afford to start over with private therapy, and I'd have to take my baby. The NHS are a constant battle, my GP referred me to the mental health team, who said I wasn't suitable. I went back to GP as age requested to see me and she said she would call me the next day but the call never came. I can't fight but I can't carry on like this.
Sorry, I tried to be brief.
I really think the first step is to get back into therapy. It sounds like it worked for you in the past! I know when I started to feel better on meds, I stopped going to a psychiatrist. Then my Rx's ran out, I started a downward spiral and then I was where I was before. But I wasn't used to that feeling so it felt a thousand times worse. I cut myself, thought seriously about jumping off buildings and honestly wanted to stay in the dark forever. I somehow managed to pull myself out because I asked myself one thing: "have you done everything you can do?"
I hadn't. So I tried. Sometimes it was just taking a shower. Things aren't great now but I'm not staring off buildings, either. Call up that therapist!!!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,415
Welcome AddictedBrit
I think Hypo has some really good advice and links to follow up.
For some of us, just not drinking is not enough.
I know I've had to do more than that to stay happy, and to try and heal that hole in me that I tried to fill with booze, drugs and a million other obsessions and risky behaviours.
You'll find a lot of support here - welcome
D
I think Hypo has some really good advice and links to follow up.
For some of us, just not drinking is not enough.
I know I've had to do more than that to stay happy, and to try and heal that hole in me that I tried to fill with booze, drugs and a million other obsessions and risky behaviours.
You'll find a lot of support here - welcome
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 4
Thank you for the replies. I'm not sure how to push the NHS, I've been in the system for 6 years in my local area, back and forth between GP and mental health team. Been an endless cycle of assessments, referals, waiting lists. I was on the waiting list for three years, which Is why i went private Dozens and dozens of unreturned phone calls, one last week. I managed to chase that up, waiting for GP to call me tomorrow. What do I when they say I'm not suitable for help?
Ideally I want therapy on the NHS. I can't afford private at the moment. They won't put me on the waiting list because I don't have transport or childcare.
It seems silly to Persue drug and alcohol agencies when I've not had a drink in so long. I did have a tiramsiu yesterday :-(
Ideally I want therapy on the NHS. I can't afford private at the moment. They won't put me on the waiting list because I don't have transport or childcare.
It seems silly to Persue drug and alcohol agencies when I've not had a drink in so long. I did have a tiramsiu yesterday :-(
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Originally Posted by AddictedBrit
It seems silly to Persue drug and alcohol agencies when I've not had a drink in so long.
I'm sorry you've had such a horrible back and forth experience with the NHS. I've heard of people not having phonecalls returned before and it's totally unacceptable. I was advised to get counselling through mind because what I would end up with from my doctor would probably not be suitable for me... otherwise I will go private in a decade or so when I've saved up enough money! In the mean time a nice big pile of self help books helps me with my various issues.
Is going to an AA meeting not an option? You said you couldn't see it happening but not why? I can't think of a better place for free and easy access to support and help with addictions...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by Sapling
Did you ever work the steps with a sponsor in your year in AA?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 4
I don't think I could leave my baby (he is 12 weeks old) and I don't know if I'd be welcome with him. I only ever saw one baby at one meeting all the time I was going. He is exclusively breastfed and don't think I'd be comfortable feeding him even if I could take him.
GP phoned today, she is going to chase up the referal to the mental health team.
GP phoned today, she is going to chase up the referal to the mental health team.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by AddictedBrit
I struggled with my step 11 and couldn't relate to my sponsor on that point.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by AddictedBrit
I don't think I could leave my baby (he is 12 weeks old) and I don't know if I'd be welcome with him. I only ever saw one baby at one meeting all the time I was going. He is exclusively breastfed and don't think I'd be comfortable feeding him even if I could take him.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
brit, big hugs. I have and do deal with the same issues you mention, though my kids are now grown I had these issues when they were infants as well. I understand the practical, financial and emotional challenges.
It's just plain hard, sometimes feel paralyzingly so, but there is nothing to do but keep working at it. I am saying this SAME pep talk to myself right now.
I'm glad you found and joined this community and urge you to stay close, read read read and post post post here. It truly can help as you work through finding the help and support you need.
Make some calls and see if there are any AA or OA women's meetings in your area, they are likely to be A-OK with you brining baby and you might feel ok breastfeeding there as well.
See if there are any other women's meetings for any of your other issues as well, any sort of support group can be a big help. Many times there are women's groups for OCD, PSTD etc. Please don't give up. If you can't find a way in one door, knock on another!
Hugs and sending positive energy your way!
It's just plain hard, sometimes feel paralyzingly so, but there is nothing to do but keep working at it. I am saying this SAME pep talk to myself right now.
I'm glad you found and joined this community and urge you to stay close, read read read and post post post here. It truly can help as you work through finding the help and support you need.
Make some calls and see if there are any AA or OA women's meetings in your area, they are likely to be A-OK with you brining baby and you might feel ok breastfeeding there as well.
See if there are any other women's meetings for any of your other issues as well, any sort of support group can be a big help. Many times there are women's groups for OCD, PSTD etc. Please don't give up. If you can't find a way in one door, knock on another!
Hugs and sending positive energy your way!
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