lostinchaos

Hello-

I am new to this site and looking for as much information, support and advice I can take in. My husband has been an addict for several years. I was lost where to post this as the addiction itself has developed past just 1 thing. It now includes from what I can gather (Pot, Pills, Cocain, Alcohol and Gambeling). The last few years has blow up into chaos. I have tried talking and pushing for help (which seemed to help a little, then he pulled away) and then I tried backing off (which seemed to help a little and then he REALLY pulled away-with the see you don't care or love me responce). I am at a complete loss to where to even start. I have recently tried to set boundaries a little at a time, however being a family with children in the home some peoples advice on boundaries are just not possible as I can't just stop everything because of their needs which must be met. We are down to 1 vehicle due to the alcohol problem in the past months and trying to figure out what lines to draw with that is even harder......any help or thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I love my husband with all my heart and he honestly was not like this years ago... he had his issues but life was always moving forward not backwards and responsibilities where always met. Now life is a chaotic mess spiralling out of control. He says he realizes "some" of these issues but doesn't see a few of them as problems (which they to are to the point its very noticable) and that he wants help...but as much as he talks about it he doesn't take many steps to do it. He keeps blaming his family and me that we are the reason he's getting no where which hurts very much. When he explodes (which is on a regular basis these days) the things he says are BEYOND hurtful to the point of straight out attacks on the things he knows hurts the most. I have struggled with this for 3 1/2yrs already and it just seems to be getting worse not better. I've lost myself in this mess and our kids are falling apart a little each day. They love their dad very much but are pulling back from him every passing day and starting to act out of resentment against me for some of the things he's doing (pawning their proprtery etc-this part has temporarly stopped but then again we don't have much left). "Lostinchaos" was the best username I would think of to explain myself at this point, any thoughts, advice or support would be GREATLY appareciated at this point.
THANK YOU!!!

outtolunch

Children learn how to treat others and allow others to treat them, at home. What are your children learning?

Active addicts and those new to recovery make lousy parents. Addiction rewires the brain to protect and sustain it, at all costs. Lies and manipulation are the tools. Children have no way of comprehending addiction. Instead, most grow and feel that they were unworthy of normal.

You did not cause this.
You cannot control this.
You cannot cure this.

Your husband is living life as he sees fit to do. Are you?

Please remove your children from this situation.

LoveMeNow

Welcome to SR! But I am sorry for the reasons you are here.

Please read the stickies and keep posting. You may not like what many people will post but I promise you 99% will be dead on.

Addiction is a progressive disease. Left untreated, the ends are always the same: jails, institutions, and death!!

I became as sick as my husband and didn't even know it until I hit my bottom. I got a good therapist, joined SR, read codependent no more, started alanon meetings and a coda support group. I still have a long way to go but I am feeling stronger everyday.

You did not cause it, You can not control it and You can not cure it!! But you can help you and your kids. God Bless!

Faithlove

The chaos is unbearable at times. I'm so sorry you and your children are living through this. It's hard to let go of your spouse to take care of yourself. This goes against what most of us have been taught.

I'm still working on me so I don't have lots of advice to give. Keep reading and posting. Read the stickies. Read Codependent No More and Boundaries. Take care of yourself and your children. (((hugs to you)))

EnglishGarden

In this world a home should not be a place of pain and fear. It is the one refuge your children have, and they are withdrawing because they feel they cannot trust nor count on either of you. This is what life becomes in a family of addiction. It creates permanent deep emotional wounds and those will eventually have to be healed through some kind of counseling. Every day there is more wounding, the deeper they set inside the child and in you as well.

Many of us here know the devastating pain you are living with and how weak we all become when living with the overwhelming power and destruction of addiction in our family. Yes, you are lost in chaos and your thinking and your ability to make good sound choices for your family's health and security are greatly diminished. This is not your fault. It is the outcome of living in constant fear and pain. There is nothing more painful than being emotionally abused by one's partner who was once a source of love and comfort but has turned into someone to fear and who is now a dangerous person to us and to our children.

You have one vehicle. Do you have access to bus service? For you are going to have to break free of that home and get very serious help for your situation. Nothing will change until you get outside help. Believe me. His addiction is permanent, it gets worse over time, and you are incapable of changing that fact.

If you have medical insurance, you can take the bus to an appt. with a family doctor. Tell the doctor your situation. Most insurance plans cover some counseling for traumatic emotional distress, which you most certainly are experiencing.

Your children also need counseling. See if the insurance will cover sessions for them as well. They are being emotionally abused every day. You must face this and seek help for them.

Al-Anon meetings are always recommended for spouses, but in your isolated situation you may not yet be mobile enough to reach them regularly. Begin with counseling.

If your husband is ever so out of control that you feel you are coming apart or if he ever threatens to hit you or one of the children, or does, call the domestic abuse hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE for advice and for contact to someone local who can help you know the right things to do to protect you and your children.

One thing you must not do, and that is to just wait on your husband to suddenly get better and all of this to go away. You are the one who has a sober brain in your household and you are the one who will have to take courageous action on behalf of your children and for you and, yes, for your husband. Refusal to seek outside help will keep all of you very sick.

On the opening page of this forum there are headings labeled Sticky, and these will lead you to useful reading.

Welcome to SR.

lostinchaos

I will definatly read Sticky for more information.

EnglishGarden: No I am no where near a bus...we live on the out skirts of town and the nearest bus in about 3-4 miles accross some highways. I have already thought of that part if I keep being stranded. I have taken the vehicle away thinking that control might help, but in some ways the blow ups lead to that issue as well and I haven't given in yet but the outrages are getting worse and I am almost to the point of just handing him the keys to leave and considering buying a vehicle. The twist on that is I'm the only one being responsible in paying the bills and 1 income with 4 people is barley coving the bills so we would lose our home, etc if this happens.

Question: Should I give in and give him the car previlage back to ease the tention and let that be the consequence of his action? I was told to let the cards fall per say and that would "force" a consequence even though that means we loss what is left??

We have no insurnace as per above I can't afford it and yet I make to much money in the state I live in to qualify for any help...GRRRRR

I started going to Al-Anon this past week (only been to 1 meeting so far) and I guess that's where I'm a little lost as to the whole boundaries thing and where it's appropriate to draw the line.

He's playing the blame game with me, and will go from being the most loving person in the world to doing things that to me seem very straight forward as not just hurtful but plain disrespectful and direct when I say anything anymore. For instance today he decided to call me "women" instead of anything remotely loving or caring and when I "nicely" mentioned that I would rather not be called that, that I didn't like it, and even explained he had never called me that before so he didn't know and it was ok, but just so he knew...the immediate responce I got was..."see it's not me , it's you, you have changed and I'm not the one with the issue...I knew it......" and proceeded to flip everything I said around and then ended the sentence with I don't feel like calling you baby or sweetheart or anything like that today, so today you will be women."

Please excuse the wording, but WTH......... Did I do something wrong in trying to tell him that bothered me???? (Am I over reacting???) It's nothing new as I have said things to others including his friend that I personally felt that was a little disrespectful and even corrected our own son when he picked it up from someone, and I wasn't sure if he ever picked up on it as his mind is usually somewhere else, so I tried to explain myself and that's what I got...

outtolunch

Just wait till one of your children begins to refer to you an " woman".

gurlie214

Lostinchaos,
It really sounds like it would do you good to get OUT of this situation with your kids as soon as possible! Do you have a family member you could go stay with for a while until you get it figured out? The damage that he is doing to you and most importantly, your children, is immeasurable. It is literally changing who they are. I grew up in something similar and it has taken years of therapy to try to turn this thing around in my own head. They deserve so much more!!

lostinchaos

As much as I read not to lose my cool and try not to invoke an argument, I don't know if I will be able to hold my tounge this evening if he comes home in that same mind set and starts calling me that every chance he gets.... I kinda feel at the moment that considering how bad it's getting and the fact that I am not arguing with him that he is doing things intentionally to get a reaction out of me, but there are something that go beyond the normal button pushing and I feel straight out disrepect like that is one of them. My son will be the first to pick up on it if he does it off the bat and and I'm sure his reaction will be to "retreat" into his bedroom as he has already dealt with that issue on a different set of terms himself.

On another note thank you to all the above posts I went out at lunch and purchased the book "Codepencey No More" and started laughing histarically on the first page of the first story as I two was left in a hotel room till the wee hours of the morning except it was our anniversary last year. Guess I will just focus this evening on the normal house hold responsibilities and reading in my spare time instead of letting him draw me into what I have a feeling will be another long night considering this mornings conversation. (Sigh)

lostinchaos

Unfortunity in my position I do have family close by however I would be trading one addiction situation for another as it's there to. And even if I chose to do that the living conditions are not well for us and I would also have to change my childrens social and eductional situation to and I'm afraid that will just be to much for them to handle all at one time to walk back into the same situation with someone else. This is where I am truley stuck. I no longer have close friends as they have all disapeared threw this and the few I do have are in no position to help at the moment either.....

This is why I am now so eager to get help and advice on trying to deal with this daily situation until something changes either at home or somewhere else.

And to curb the next questions I think might come, I am not in an financial position to walk out either due to this mess, so I'm literally LOST as to what to do.

EnglishGarden

I'm glad you're making an Al-Anon meeting at least and hope you will keep going back.

With the extra information you shared, given that you are the employed person in the family, the sober person in the family, the adult in the family who is not an addict, not a thief, and not a threat to the children, you should consult an attorney about filing for a divorce. This does not mean you have to get a divorce right away....such steps take emotional resolve you may not yet have. But you should consult an attorney, and find out your legal rights and the steps necessary to get a divorce from a husband who is an active drug addict and a danger to your family's emotional and financial security.

The day will come when so much sh** rains down that you will be glad you have done this research. Life with an addict always leads to traumatic events for the family, and it will be so for your family as well.

Just speak to an attorney. Face the reality of the prison in which you and your children are living. And get good legal advice about how to break free.

Waiting for your husband to become a different man is something you just cannot afford to do at this point. And you will never be able to control his actions, his words, or his drugging. You can only control the choices you make for the highest good of your family.

The addict does NOT get to be the most important person in the family. The family should NEVER be sacrificed to his drugs.

Get a free consult with an attorney. You simply have to take responsibility for at least gathering information. You are the only one in your family who can make a meaningful difference for your children.

We all want the very best for you and for your children to be saved from the painful home life they are living today. You can do it. You can get outside help and when you are ready to make a change (or, as often happens in families of addiction, when events force you to make a change), you will have some kind of plan. And some recovery under your belt to implement it.

Do not isolate. Keep going to Al-Anon. Post here. Do not be alone in this. Addiction can eat your family up, without outside support. Don't be alone in this.

February13

It's so hard to deal with this kind of situation when kids are involved! I have a 2 year old and we just left her addict dad 3 months ago. It took me 3 months of Alanon meetings to get the resolve to leave (my decision but taken with the clarity Alanon gave me). And I had a bit of savings. You are not alone in your situation. I am glad you are looking for help.
I hope you keep going to meetings. I would also recommend buying the book (How alanon works?) and reading it.

I would also try to talk to a lawyer to see about kicking your husband out. You might also consider women shelters (if you can't throw him out).

Good luck.

FindingErica

Hi, welcome to the group! My situation was very similar to yours. My new name at times was mother f**ker. My husband also has multiple addictions K2/spice, ADHD meds, porn, alcohol... Those are the ones I know of. When I left him I was the primary bread winner for the first time, as he was unemployed out of state and partying/high. I was having anxiety attacks and working tons of overtime to try to make ends meet.

It appears you are the primary breadwinner at this point. Here is the same advice given to me. You are in control, you may not see it but you are in control of this situation. Your primary obligation is to your children. When I realized these two things, when I made decisions to benefit my children vs my husband the addict but capable adult, things became clear.

It took me awhile to realize just to what extent I was being abused and manipulated. I was used to jumping to his anger and demands. I was in a different situation (you can find my initial thread here) as AH was out of town and our home was sold and we were supposed to be joining him out of state in meer weeks. When I got my own place in my own name and moved me and the kids in; there was so much peace. The anxiety attacks stopped. I still have to deal with AH, but we are getting a divorce and he can not enter my residence. Do not give up control of your vehicle or any other thing you need for financial security. Get a plan in place, get you and your children into a secure position. Your addict is an adult and can figure out his own life. I can promise you this, if you do not protect yourself and your assets, he will take whatever he can from you. My AH threatened me and wanted huge sums of money, which would have left the kids and I broke. In all his demands, he never once asked me if I was still able to feed and house his children. Addicts are selfish and self focused. Your children will begin to heal and your relationship with them will also when they see that you are capable and willing to stop the chaos, put them first, respect yourself. My children ages 16 (though developmentally disabled), 12 and almost 10 have adjusted very well. I didn't realize how stressed and worried they were until I told them I had gotten a place for us, and they were visibly relieved. Please do what is best for you and the kids to protect yourself in the situation you are in right now. For myself, my confidence and self esteem was beaten down, so it was scary but ultimately liberating and empowering when I took control of the situation. There are other outlets to get emotional help. Ther is nar anon and al anon. I turned to a church we had attended in the past for support, and was hooked up with a home group/bible study group for women going through tough life circumstances. There is a group called Rainbows for kids, I don't know a lot about them but I am considering looking into them further for my kids.

FindingErica

One more thing I wanted to say. Addicts are adept blame shifters. You didn't do anything wrong. This reminds me of the head games AH would use with me when he was mad. He would not speak to me for days, but he would be waaaay over attentive to the kids, and speak to them in this sugary voice.

You will get nowhere explaining anything to him about what you want or how you feel. He will turn everything on you, blame shifting. I was to blame for everything. If he stubbed his toe, it was my fault for poor furniture arrangement choices. If a shirt he wanted to wear wasn't clean, it was my fault and I didn't care about him. Stop blaming yourself for this; you didn't cause his addiction through any of your actions, you can't fix it through anything you may do.

HBerry43

I lived with my addict for 24 years--through a few periods of sobriety, but mostly active addiction which he kept a secret.

Throughout, I would say to friends..."I just don't understand why my life isn't working. I try and I try but we are always in debt, almost lost our house, and no matter what I try... I can't seem to move forward with my life."

I was stuck and I suspected he was using. It takes incredible strength to live with active addiction and manage to move forward with your life. I know that now. His addiction, and my own addiction to him, kept me stuck.

It wasn't until I was away from him that I was able to see how sick MY life had become. Within a few months of his leaving, I had gotten a dumpster, cleaned out a ton of clutter and made our house somewhere we (my daughters and I) are proud to live.

The disease, for me, was/is insidious, baffling, cunning and soooooo cruel. I think it's cruelest on the children. My 18-year-old daughter spent the weekend in jail because she assaulted me on Sat night. She is full of rage at the father she was robbed of and she is full of rage at me for allowing the disease to rule our lives for so long.

I hope you find help and hope in this program. Keep coming back.

I have a 30 year relationship with my addict, but I know I can't live with him. At least not right now. I love him dearly and hope and pray he "gets it" one day. But, for today, he is lost in his addiction and he has found someone who will support his self-destruction. It hurts like hell, but, Guess What???? He's been out of the house for nine months and I'm still here!! Despite the pain of my loss, my life is so much better and fuller than it was. I'm OK.

The girls and I deserve a better life than what he can offer right now. We need to heal and we need to relearn how to respect each other and respect ourselves. We lost that while we lived with active addiction.

When i get caught up in the drama and hurt, I text or call a friend--someone who understands addiction and the 12-steps. My guy is really sick right now and the disease is calling the shots.

Put your heart and your kids first. He needs to sort this out for himself. Trust me on this one, He Won't Get Sober/Clean for YOU.

We are powerless over the addict and our lives became unmanageable.

No matter how many promises he makes, he has to get honest with himself. Pull the focus back on you. After years in this program, one thing is crystal clear to me... if I trust my HP, He will lead me where I need to go and GOOD Things await!!!!

Plenty of strong women have followed this program and found a better life for themselves and their kids (with and without the addict). You can do it!!



Heather

lostinchaos

Thank you for all the recent posts. I read allot into that book "Codepend No More" lastnight, it was very interesting, thank you for the recomendation. Lastnight was a little better, but who knows how long it will last, I tried to focus on my resopnsibilities and when he called for me to run out in the middle of the dinner I explained that I couldn't I was eating with the kids and he would have to wait. I don't think he liked that very much but it was important to me and to the kids (can't keep running out on them all the time). Baby steps I guess, and even when he returned home, I explained the issue I had with one of the problems from 3 days prior that he was responsible for and had not been taken care of and then just sat on the couch and read my book instead of be pulled into his back and forth issues. I think it really shooked him that I just stated my points and went about my business. Amazingly he backed off and made an effort to deal with something he was responsible for instead of walking out or arguing further. Not that I truely believe this means a turn around but it did make me feel better that I did what I wanted to/needed to do for a change and that I was able to create a somewhat peaceful night for myself and the kids where able to have a somewhat quite evening as well.

I'm sure this will not always be the case from day to day, but I atleast feel somewhat better that I'm not alone in this fight anymore....THANK YOU!!!!!

FindingErica

That was my life! I went from stay home mom, to part time nurses aide, to part time nurses aide in school, to full time nurse, to full time nurse working overtime. It didn't matter that my take home income had quadrupled, for some reason we were always on the edge of financial disaster, living pay check to paycheck. I wasn't in charge of the finances. I thought money was always tight because he was paying down debts. Nope. I felt like a rat on a wheel, going faster and faster but nothing ever changed. My life always felt chaotic, and I always felt exhausted and depressed. I never knew if he would come home angry, or if he would isolate himself, or be all stupid and friendly (high), or normal (less and less), or if he would disrupt my day with demands. He likes to crack the whip on me too, it is a form of control. Call me at the last minute with some errand that has to be done RIGHT NOW or a disaster is going to occur. Of course it is something that could have been fit in easily if i had advanced notice. Or some chore that just had to be done, usually late when I was tired and wanting to go to bed- he needs this pair of pants washed for tomorrow or go find some obscure paper. I never felt in control of my home. It really is true what they say in recovery groups, "our lives had become unmanageable.". My life, schedule and finances are way more manageable now and I feel way more motivated to get out and do things. The chaos is gone and it is staying gone.

marusea

my partner left me and our little girl for another woman soon after coming home from detox, he's a heroin addict wich i didnt know because he was clean most of the time we were together(4 yrs) or maybe he hid it well. its been 6 months, a lot of ppl tell me im better off on my own and i didnt understand how could they say this to me...now when i read your stories i get it...but i still hope he'll cope on and come back to his family...maybe im naive,maybe its for the best if he never comes back, my heart goes out to all the families that go thru so much pain and abuse due to addiction. they say addiction its a family disease it afects everyone around the addict

lostinchaos

Well a new situation has presented itself. With the loaming finacial state and emotional state we are in as a family, something might be breaking. He did not get up for work yesterday, which happend to also be my day off (ugh....so much for me time) and of course by the time he did fianlly get up (even with my help) he decided "screw it" (in different words) and went back to sleep. I received a phone call thank my HP for a 2nd job interview so I figured I might as well try to salvage my day and do the things I needed to. Lunch and Erron's first, and then some down time so I came home (kids would be home soon). He finally got out of bed just in time for his boss to show up at our house????? I find out what the deal was. Amazing how they keep getting chance after chance, if it were me I would have been fired. His boss was nice and explained that they see he has issues and even told him how noticable it is to him and everyone he works with even when he doesn't think it is (glad it's coming from someone other than me for a change). When he left I tried to use that situation to advise a little, which seemed pointless as he just zoned out on me to the tv, so I gave up and decided to take a nap with the small time I had left to myself. The kids returned home and I had to go to my job interview, which went pretty good (I pray this works out), in the mean time I received word of an "ephifany" he had to be honest with me on more about himself and his addiction (wondering where this came from???) After returning home a familiar (unwelcome) face arrived so I took off with the kids for dinner and a few other items they needed as I received a little help from family for the kids sake. He again promised he wouldn't be gone long (had to work on something????) and said he would cook dinner to help out tonight, well as I'm sure goign through the same issues you all could guess he did not return home before or even shortly after we did. So dinner was done, kids taken care of and house clean up a bit, he finally returned with more thigns to do.....I didn't really socialize with him or his friend and tried to stay away as much as possible. He left with another statement of running down the street for a beer (gone 30-45mins?? store is just about a mile away) and returned with a sense of energy. We sorta talked a little about what he wanted to tell me, and he broke down into what seemed like a dressive yet energetic state and told me that he had added to his addiction (more seriouse drugs) and he's been doing them for several months and that's why we are financial where we are.....in the shocking state of what he had just admitted to me and the effects of how he even talk about himself I was at a complete loss for words....saddness and fear filled my entire body. He somewhat shelf asserted that he was leaving as he feals his addiction is much much worse and he can't stand to cause me and our children the amount of pain and struggling we have been going through anymore. He brought up about getting help and even a rehab facility and his fear of it, and to be honest I was in such shock the "takeh im and go" response didn't even come out. I don't know if he will really be leaving or not tonight, he packed all of his clothes and most of his personal items (toothbrush, deaoderant, etc) and still text me today that he is still planning on coming by to pick them up after work since he managed to salvage his job. With the onset of the self admission of things I sorta already figured he was doing by roamers and finding different things around the house, in vehicles, etc) I couldn't even handle when he hugged me goodbye and told me he loved me this morning, I broke into tears. And the statement of love, how can he love us when he's doing the things he does? I don't understand if he remembers what love really feels like anymore?? I went home at lunch and left a letter on his suitecase, as I have read from other people that this will help with pushing the subject, yet stating the care and still the boundaries of where we will go from here....yet I still can't seem to find a feeling of exceptance or forgiveness, just extreme saddness, confussion and hurt of how insane this has all been and is becoming.

outtolunch

Translation: "I don't need no wife and kids on my back getting in the way of my high."

People in active addiction or early recovery make lousy parents. Drugs have rewired his brain to protect and sustain addiction. Lies and manipulation are the tools of addiction. It's not personal although at this stage it probably feels that way.

Get the ball rolling and figure out what your state requires you to do to obtain court-ordered child support.

Seriously consider reporting all joint credit cards as lost.