kindness2012

Hi, I am a newbie who has just been in an extremely confusing relationship with a R A who still uses a lot of marijuana but considers they are no longer an addict/ A. I have experienced so many overwhelming, confusing, worrying, weird bizarre things from a person who is also incredible, beautiful and lovable in so many ways. I really need to know what has happpened, and what is the prognosis fr someone who was a serious A and is now a serious marujuana user? Are they inrecovery? He is not in any program.

LoveMeNow

Clean and sober is just that. Getting high in any way (including drinking) is not recovery. Recovery is a life long process and for most, a program is a must.

Your confusion is so common. If you chose to stay in this relationship, please get help for yourself now! We are no match for addiction. It will take you down - emotionally, physically and spiritually - faster then you can count to 10.

Keep reading and posting, it really does help! Denial was my drug of choice!

outtolunch

Welcome.

He's using a substance to change his mood. This is not recovery. Addiction is progressive. Alcohol and pot tend to be gateway substances for addicts. He's living his life as he sees fit to do. Are you?

You did not cause this.
You cannot control this.
You cannot cure this.

Recovery or not, is his responsibility. Trying to control someone else's recovery leads to mutual resentment and does not work.

You decide if you are willing to remain in a relationship with someone who abuses substance and calls himself recovered. If it's unacceptable, you remove yourself from the situation. He is free to abuse substances, elsewhere.

The " stickies" at the top of this forum are all good reads and an opportunity to learn about addiction and our own roles in it.

kindness2012

love me not, im really suffering today after contact from my friend this week. ive been reading forums and posts to try to understand what was not explained by him- he shut out / down any attempt at discussion. is there anywhere i can read up on how addicts manipulate friends? i am more hurt than i kind of care to admit, or more correctly it seems to have gone deeper than i knew- because this person begged me to help them, and i tried to so hard and cared so much. i cant believe i have been treated with such contempt and abuse. i cant kind of take it isn, and i cant believe how much kind of hidden damage it has done me. its really weird im in some sort of shock really. the inexplicability and unprediectability has made me feel incredibly depressed. and the damage being done by someone who will not even let me speak about it is terrible. i dont know where to begin to explain it. :-(

dollydo

Go to the top of this page, click on Blogs, then search Blogs, enter cynical one in the Blog posted by section, pull up a chair and start reading, should find what you are looking for.

There are a thousand ways an addict manipulates an unsuspecting codie. They know exactly what to say to get the codie to do what they want. An addict can find a codependent person in a room of a hundred people, they have a special radar that helps them find the drug of their choice and a codependent person to enabble them.

Lara

Hi Kindness2012.... it is so difficult I know. Read some of my threads and the replies. My H (not husband but H is his initials) was in recovery for cocaine addiction. Since rehab he still uses hash and drinks - and believes he is okay?? Only from joining SR do I know that this is a critical situation and he is very much an addict. I truly lulled myself into a false sense of security for so many years believing that 'H is okay as long as he doesn't use cocaine;. But what I didn't realise is that addiction is addiction - no matter what the DOC - and that his brain is rewired - and he is destructive and his life is a mess.... even though on the 'outside' he is gorgeous, beautiful, a highly successful businessman and full of life and wise words - charisma and charm - it is really really tough!

kindness2012

Hi Lara, and thanks for taking the time to write. Really suffering today. Really missing him today, and feeling love for him and wondering how he is. Terribly worried, but every time i worried before after alarm bells, he would always be totally ok. Wolf cries? I dont know. I still hardly know how to put into words the bewildering confusion that was visited upon me. I'd like to go more into the story with someone who is experienced with A's and SA's- but privately- I guess im concerned that if he or anyone we/he reading could recognise the story it would be horrible. But I htink i need to share it. If I can. I dont know how experienced you are with this stuff Lara- but that you SO much for writing. :-) and my best go to you in your situation. I wonder if anyone out there with experience would allow me to share privately a little? I wonder why this has affected me so deeply- today it has been really strong. I dont know why. I htink Im just too exhausted to go out and do all the things I know i need to do to move thru this. I'm so tired. :-(

kindness2012

What is a gateway substance?

Lara

It is so so hard and completely heartbreaking and soul destroying. I really do know how you are feeling. It can be debilitating. But what I learnt from joining SR is that there is NOTHING you can do to change the situation. And there is NO point to try to figure our his reasoning or why he has cut you out. You will NEVER be able to work out an addictive mind or the reasoning - as addiction distorts everything. The hardest part, is yes, they (the addict) will turn away from the person they love most in life. Partly because they wont let anything (not even the person they love 'most in life) get in the way of their DOC - and partly because of guilt and a deep knowing that they are destroying your life and hurting you...
I miss H so much. But know now, that H I miss is no longer here. That I don't know him at all. Even though we have been close for over 15 years... that when I look in to his eyes, I occasionally recognise the 'real' H - but then that recognition is gone, and I realise I am looking at, talking too H - but the addict. I was involved with the addictive/ co-dependent dance with H for over 7 years... it took me down a very dark, long road. I would still be there if it werent for SR. Keep on reading on this forum.... you will learn that the only thing you CAN do - is help YOURSELF!!! You have to pick yourself up - you have to educate yourself to addiction. You have to let the addict in your life go. You never know, (and I don't want to fill you with hope) - but perhaps he is pushing you away now because he does not want to hurt you. Addicts are emotionally dysfunctional - so it is impossible for them to speak about emotions and truth to you - much easier to act out in rage. But you never know, by detaching from him completely - and getting therapy for yourself... he might seek recovery too.... take it one day at a time.... but give him his space - don't try to contact him. Trust in God. But look in the mirror - look at yourself - you are a beautiful soul who deserves so much more... and until you truly believe that - you won't begin to heal.

seventytimes7

OMG this is the most incredible wisdom ever. Thank you Lara. **tears**

kindness2012

Lara thankyou thank you thank you. I still cant put into words the experience, the confusion, bewilderment- and you have understood it anyway. I cant tell you how much it means that you wrote these words for me. Too tired to write more tonight. From the bottom of my heart thank you , thank you , thank you.

Supersarah

I too can relate, my ex is a gorgeous guy, really lovely, when he's not lying or withdrawing or unless I get in the way of his drug use. Unfortunately or fortunately we have broken up. What I have learned along the way is that I can't control him or his drug use, that's his business, he's a grown up. That any drug use is a symptom of the addict's inability to deal with their emotions. If this guy is smoking pot it is because he can't deal with himself and how he is feeling. I'm not sure how long you have been seeing him or how long he has not been using his DOC but for him to be in recovery he needs to be seeing someone, a therapist and working on learning to deal with life and all of it's ups and downs. If he's new to recovery or abstinence he really shouldn't be starting a romantic relationship, it would be likely that he is using the relationship to avoid dealing with his issues. people in early recovery are very up and down emotionally too, especially if he is an opiate addict.
I also learned that addicts do not behave like other people, they do not behave like the person they were before becoming an addict and that trying to work out the whys and wherefores of their behaviour will only make you crazy, literally!! I have stayed awake for night after night turning everything over in my head because nothing was making any sense (it still doesn't!), and what did that achieve? Nothing. Addicts behave like addicts and we will never know how that feels, just as they will never know how it feels to be worried out of your mind over someone you love who is sinking down a horrible hole and who can't be helped. I wish you peace and suggest you read some of the stickies about detachment.
Sarah

kindness2012

It only very slowly dawned on me from my reading here on SH what I have been dealing with- I honestly thought he was just depressed and grief stricken, but ehn bit by bit i saw it was so much more than that, and that he was completely resistant it seems to help- asks for it, but then refuses it. that was so difficult - to hear the cries for help and sympathy and them to be refused. this increased over time. ut was SO STRANGE and totally totally bewildering. he has now been asked to leave his friends place wher he was living- he was constantly on his friends case for drinking- and his friend resented that coming from a guy who he said smoked 1/2 oz weed per week. he has now gone home to live with his ex-wife/ partner mother of 2 of his adult children. i htink she is still 'in love' with him. i wonder if this means he is going to clean up, or if she has decieded after all these years just to take him back as he is....has anyone heard of an ex a who is a current sa going back to a partner many many years later and making it work? has anyone had an ex a come back after many years? how was it? were you able to work through the problems and issues?

dollydo

So, he has gone back with his ex and his children? Did I get that right? If so, it might be time to focus on you, let go of him and move forward with your life. This does not sound like a relationship worth persuing.

kindness2012

thanks DD, doing that anyway! and continued during. i'm processing the relationship tho, it was so so so damn strange that its impossible not to, and a great opportunity to learn as i honbestly have hod NO refernce prior to stuff like this. learning a lot. knowldge is power. forewarned is forearmed.

kindness2012

ahhh...god..yes. horrible. thanks ss, very sad, innit?