to live with or not to live with
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Georgia
Posts: 5
to live with or not to live with
Well here i sit trying to get me some help and pick myself up out of this and after being in the relationship for so long i"m wondering do i live with or not live with until he has it under control.. i could just walk away and learn to be on my own and do well when i try. Then a few days pass he sobers up and wants to work on it. so here i sit all confused again. Heard these promises more than enuff. I believe he loves his kids and me but just cant shake his dependancy of the alcohol. Now im wondering how to handle the relationship. I say i should not be controled and have to tell him word for word every conversation i have or be kept from going off with friends and family if i want to but not get his attitude. so here i sit confused.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
One of our members says this about confusion:
"Confusion is mostly the result of magical thinking.
Reality is not very confusing at all." by LaTeeDa
Your reality is his words are not matching his actions.
Your daughters want you (the sane, sober parent) to protect them from his addiction. Yet you are worried about helping him and he is a grown man.
Do what is best for you and your daughters. Get yourself some space and time away from his addiction drama. No one says it has to be permanent, but it will give you time away from his obsessive behavior to focus on what is best for you.
Next time he leaves and feeds you more lies about how he wants to change - give him 9 months to prove he can make LASTING changes. During that time, you will be able to work on becoming a healthier, happier YOU and able to decide if you want his drama back into your world.
Watch his actions and stop listening to his empty, manipulative words.
"Confusion is mostly the result of magical thinking.
Reality is not very confusing at all." by LaTeeDa
Your reality is his words are not matching his actions.
Your daughters want you (the sane, sober parent) to protect them from his addiction. Yet you are worried about helping him and he is a grown man.
Do what is best for you and your daughters. Get yourself some space and time away from his addiction drama. No one says it has to be permanent, but it will give you time away from his obsessive behavior to focus on what is best for you.
Next time he leaves and feeds you more lies about how he wants to change - give him 9 months to prove he can make LASTING changes. During that time, you will be able to work on becoming a healthier, happier YOU and able to decide if you want his drama back into your world.
Watch his actions and stop listening to his empty, manipulative words.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
What is confusing is allowing another person to dictate the choices you make for your own life. Continuing to allow that other person's words, actions, or behavior to determine whether or not you want to stay in a particular relationship, or keep them in your life, is like riding on a surfboard in the middle of the ocean. Completely unpredictable and you will be violently thrashed about and thrown in all sorts of directions. Whatever waves come your way will take you where the waves decide you will go. Sooner or later you have to take control of your own situation and stop riding the crazy waves. Get off the surfboard and get yourself a big ship, with a strong compass, and lots of power. It's much safer.
Find YOUR direction. Determine strongly what YOU want. List out those things that are healthy for you and your children and how YOU believe you can achieve these things for yourself and the kids. Especially do not allow an alcoholic or addict to set your own compass, or make major decisions for you or for any children.
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. You already KNOW what he is going to do, based on your experience with him.
Find YOUR direction. Determine strongly what YOU want. List out those things that are healthy for you and your children and how YOU believe you can achieve these things for yourself and the kids. Especially do not allow an alcoholic or addict to set your own compass, or make major decisions for you or for any children.
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. You already KNOW what he is going to do, based on your experience with him.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Originally Posted by Pelican 
Do what is best for you and your daughters. Get yourself some space and time away from his addiction drama. No one says it has to be permanent, but it will give you time away from his obsessive behavior to focus on what is best for you.
Next time he leaves and feeds you more lies about how he wants to change - give him 9 months to prove he can make LASTING changes. During that time, you will be able to work on becoming a healthier, happier YOU and able to decide if you want his drama back into your world.
Next time he leaves and feeds you more lies about how he wants to change - give him 9 months to prove he can make LASTING changes. During that time, you will be able to work on becoming a healthier, happier YOU and able to decide if you want his drama back into your world.
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
Whatever waves come your way will take you where the waves decide you will go. Sooner or later you have to take control of your own situation and stop riding the crazy waves. ... get yourself a big ship, with a strong compass, and lots of power. It's much safer.
Find YOUR direction. Determine strongly what YOU want. List out those things that are healthy for you and your children and how YOU believe you can achieve these things for yourself and the kids. Especially do not allow an alcoholic or addict to set your own compass, or make major decisions for you or for any children.
Find YOUR direction. Determine strongly what YOU want. List out those things that are healthy for you and your children and how YOU believe you can achieve these things for yourself and the kids. Especially do not allow an alcoholic or addict to set your own compass, or make major decisions for you or for any children.
P.S. Just make sure you don't get on the Titanic!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Georgia
Posts: 5
Everyone is correct i do know his patterns. Hard to not live with him when i was so completely consumed by his problem that i developed depression and anxiety and wasnt able to even work for wondering what was going on at home or him being at my place of work.. Am starting to job hunt and hope that it goes well. am making steps to not care bout what he thinks about me going off with family and friends. His family has completely blocked him out so now he has noone except for the best friend which just so happens to be his boss and no this friend doesnt drink and is very Christian and tries tohelp him. And yes the kids know the problem and are fed up with it also. but even they are starting to feel sorry for him and refuse to express their feelings to him bout the situation. Really Really Really confused here.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I think realizing where you have power and where you don't is a start to end this confusion. You know that you have no power over him, and you know that he will make and break promises over and over again.
Good for you on looking for a job. That will definitely be self-empowering, huge!
Good for you for meeting up with friends and family. Don't let him isolate you--he does not have that power, so don't give it to him.
Likewise, he has no right, nor power, to demand that you recount every word in every conversation you have with others. I would interact normally--telling him what interesting tidbits you desire to share, and no more, no less. There is no reason to refuse to tell him anything about convos you have outside of the relationship--normal sharing is good--but do not let yourself fall victim to demands that you share more than is normal.
In otherwords--don't let him push you around. There's no reason to make this confrontational, simply be calm and share when you want to, and only what you want to.
It sounds like you are taking the right steps to empower yourself. Keep up the momentum and as you tackle things on your task list, add more things to that list, so that you continue to empower yourself in as many ways as possible.
Then I think the next step will be clearer. Each thing you accomplish will reveal what needs to be done next clearer. You will be able to relieve yourself of some of that depression and anxiety with every good thing you do for yourself.
Keep up the good work!
Good for you on looking for a job. That will definitely be self-empowering, huge!
Good for you for meeting up with friends and family. Don't let him isolate you--he does not have that power, so don't give it to him.
Likewise, he has no right, nor power, to demand that you recount every word in every conversation you have with others. I would interact normally--telling him what interesting tidbits you desire to share, and no more, no less. There is no reason to refuse to tell him anything about convos you have outside of the relationship--normal sharing is good--but do not let yourself fall victim to demands that you share more than is normal.
In otherwords--don't let him push you around. There's no reason to make this confrontational, simply be calm and share when you want to, and only what you want to.
It sounds like you are taking the right steps to empower yourself. Keep up the momentum and as you tackle things on your task list, add more things to that list, so that you continue to empower yourself in as many ways as possible.
Then I think the next step will be clearer. Each thing you accomplish will reveal what needs to be done next clearer. You will be able to relieve yourself of some of that depression and anxiety with every good thing you do for yourself.
Keep up the good work!
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