21yo S chose to leave
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Mass
Posts: 149
21yo S chose to leave
This is my first post here. After reading for several days I finally got the strength to tell my son to either follow the rules or leave. He is a college senior and after attending a prestigious school and having to take a medical leave because of alcohol problems he moved back home to live and finish school at the state university.
My problem is that I have such fear that he will get arrested, drink and drive and kill himself or someone else. Fortunately, at this point he hasn't been drinking and driving but has been arrested for public intoxication. I am almost consumed with fear.
My childhood was spent with an alcoholic father who got seriously drunk several times a week and broke doors and windows. I always said I wouldn't live with an alcoholic. My husband and I have chosen not to drink and have never had it around. My father's family (7 brothers) are all alcoholics although some are recovering. Anyway, last night my son was mad because I told him he couldn't take the car and hit the glass door. It didn't break but it was for me a moment of clarity and why in the world am I allowing this child to cause havoc on our house? This morning we had a long talk and he was on board with the rules. Well tonight at 7 he decided he didn't want to go by the rules so I told him if he walked out of the door that he should consider himself moved out. I will not support him or his alcoholism. He gets his urges from 7-9 every night. I tried to talk him through it. To find somethings for him to do but he was set on leaving so he walked out.
I wish I could say I'm fine with it but I'm not. My heart is broken and I feel like my life is in shambles but I HAD to take a stand. I have another son and it isn't fair for him to have to deal with this.
Sorry to go on and on I just needed to get this out.
My problem is that I have such fear that he will get arrested, drink and drive and kill himself or someone else. Fortunately, at this point he hasn't been drinking and driving but has been arrested for public intoxication. I am almost consumed with fear.
My childhood was spent with an alcoholic father who got seriously drunk several times a week and broke doors and windows. I always said I wouldn't live with an alcoholic. My husband and I have chosen not to drink and have never had it around. My father's family (7 brothers) are all alcoholics although some are recovering. Anyway, last night my son was mad because I told him he couldn't take the car and hit the glass door. It didn't break but it was for me a moment of clarity and why in the world am I allowing this child to cause havoc on our house? This morning we had a long talk and he was on board with the rules. Well tonight at 7 he decided he didn't want to go by the rules so I told him if he walked out of the door that he should consider himself moved out. I will not support him or his alcoholism. He gets his urges from 7-9 every night. I tried to talk him through it. To find somethings for him to do but he was set on leaving so he walked out.
I wish I could say I'm fine with it but I'm not. My heart is broken and I feel like my life is in shambles but I HAD to take a stand. I have another son and it isn't fair for him to have to deal with this.
Sorry to go on and on I just needed to get this out.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
to SR BlueSkiesAgain. Sounds to me like you are doing the right thing. Your fear cannot control what your son does. But it is stressful to you and your body and I believe stress kills. Have you tried Al-Anon?
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Mass
Posts: 149
I had planned to call tomorrow and find an Al-Anon meeting. I just downloaded Co Dependent No More on my Nook and will start reading it. I can honestly say telling him that he no longer lived here is the hardest thing I have ever done.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
You have many people here on Sober Recovery who understand the pain you are going through. It is always hard to have a loved be an alcoholic, and it may be even worse when it is your child. You will get lots of support here. The decision you've taken is very brave, and the best thing you can do.
Remember, you didn't cause the alcoholism, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
Take care of yourself and your husband, and I will keep you in my thoughts as I'm sure many others here will. Come back as often as you want.
BothSidesNow
Remember, you didn't cause the alcoholism, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
Take care of yourself and your husband, and I will keep you in my thoughts as I'm sure many others here will. Come back as often as you want.
BothSidesNow
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
You're doing the right thing. There's nothing you can do to fix him, but you can keep peace and serenity around your own home. I know this is hard. It's your own flesh and blood, and I'm sure you can't help but wonder where you went wrong. Stop those thoughts, if you're having them. Even if you were the perfect mother, some kids just go wrong. Given that there's a family history of the disease, the odds were good that it could affect anyone in the bloodline. Keep posting here and know that we're thinking about you. Welcome to SR!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 378
You are so brave!! And loving. There is really no being "fine" with it. It hurts and it is terribly hard.
You're doing the right thing. If we deny them the consequences for the actions, we contribute to keeping them sick.
You mothered him to college by setting boundaries and goals, just keep being his mom, keep setting those boundaries.
It's so hard. We all know. Bless you!
You're doing the right thing. If we deny them the consequences for the actions, we contribute to keeping them sick.
You mothered him to college by setting boundaries and goals, just keep being his mom, keep setting those boundaries.
It's so hard. We all know. Bless you!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome, please know that you are doing the right thing. He is an adult, he is responsible for his own life and choices.
If he is on your car insurance I would take him off and not allow him access to your vehicles. If he mames or kills someone while intoxicated you could lose everything, to me, it is not worth the risk
Unfortunately as NWGrits stated, this is a disease that is handed down from generation to generation and there is no cure for the disease, it is just a matter of whether one is sober and working a strong recovery program or not...that's it.
I know it hurts, however, allow him the dignity to resolve this issue on his own, just as any responsible adult should do.
Keep posting, keep reading, it will help.
If he is on your car insurance I would take him off and not allow him access to your vehicles. If he mames or kills someone while intoxicated you could lose everything, to me, it is not worth the risk
Unfortunately as NWGrits stated, this is a disease that is handed down from generation to generation and there is no cure for the disease, it is just a matter of whether one is sober and working a strong recovery program or not...that's it.
I know it hurts, however, allow him the dignity to resolve this issue on his own, just as any responsible adult should do.
Keep posting, keep reading, it will help.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Mass
Posts: 149
Thanks again to all of you. I made it through the night sleeping a couple of hours. First thing I did this morning was to check the arrests. Such fear over that.
One of the rules was that if he made the choice to leave he could not take "his" car because it is in my name and my insurance. I told him very specifically that if he was in AA and had a sponsor and could prove he wasn't drinking we would allow him the car. He went to a friends house where he plans to live and they can ride to school together.
As hard as it is I'm glad that I followed through. If nothing else I deserve a peaceful house and so does my husband and other son. I have been the codependent person trying to control things for too long. One day at a time.
One of the rules was that if he made the choice to leave he could not take "his" car because it is in my name and my insurance. I told him very specifically that if he was in AA and had a sponsor and could prove he wasn't drinking we would allow him the car. He went to a friends house where he plans to live and they can ride to school together.
As hard as it is I'm glad that I followed through. If nothing else I deserve a peaceful house and so does my husband and other son. I have been the codependent person trying to control things for too long. One day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Austin
Posts: 31
Welcome to SR Blue.
I am confident you will find the strength to keep on keepin' on.
I don't want to give any unsolicited advice, but what I found the most comforting in my time of despair and uncertainty is knowing that my XABF's higher power will take care of him, and my HP will take care of me.
Learning to detach with love was close second.
All the best,
jb.
I am confident you will find the strength to keep on keepin' on.
I don't want to give any unsolicited advice, but what I found the most comforting in my time of despair and uncertainty is knowing that my XABF's higher power will take care of him, and my HP will take care of me.
Learning to detach with love was close second.
All the best,
jb.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Mass
Posts: 149
AS just stopped by the house between classes. He forgot a few things that he needed. He asked if he could come by tonight to talk about his plans. He wants to set up a budget and let me know his plans. There was no fighting or arguing so that is a plus. Just hope all goes well today.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by BlueSkiesAgain 
AS just stopped by the house between classes. He forgot a few things that he needed. He asked if he could come by tonight to talk about his plans. He wants to set up a budget and let me know his plans. There was no fighting or arguing so that is a plus. Just hope all goes well today.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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No, I'm not giving him money. I also made it clear that I did not kick him out. He had two choices and he chose option B which included leaving with no support. Not even the car. I really hope this helps him grow up. I have always been the typical helicopter parent and he is shocked that I followed through.
Interesting that I have always been the "softie" but once I decided I was done with living with an alcoholic I'm doing pretty good. My husband is having a harder time feeling sad for AS than I am.
Interesting that I have always been the "softie" but once I decided I was done with living with an alcoholic I'm doing pretty good. My husband is having a harder time feeling sad for AS than I am.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
It hurts to do the opposite of what we feel is the right thing to do. But in my experience with alcoholic and addicted folks, helping them only hurts them. When my brother was about 35 we finally did what you have done and pulled out from supporting him; we were all spent. Once I bit the bullet, I wished I had done it so much earlier!
I admire your strength and courage, and your determination to have the kind of peaceful home you deserve!!!
I admire your strength and courage, and your determination to have the kind of peaceful home you deserve!!!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Blueskies, I have been through this with my son, and I know how hard it is. For a parent, it is the hardest thing you will ever have to do as a parent. I congratulate you for what you have done so far!!
Please believe me when I tell you that this is not an easy or short road to follow. It is imperative that you get support from those who have had more experience/knowlege than you have at this point. So much of what you will have to do will seem counterintuitive, at first. It will go against your motherly instincts, at times.
This can tear a family or marriage apart if you are not all on the same page. You and your husband will need to talk---and talk some more. But, be careful not to blame each other. Be careful, also, not to blame your son for having the disease.
alanon will help tremendously. Family therapist--schooled in addiction. Talk to recovered alcoholics. Read all the articles written by Dr. Floyd P. Garrett. These can be found on the website: PsychiatryandWellness.com. Also read everything you can get your hands on. I am assuming that you have read the stickies at the top of this main page?
My heart goes out to you. Also I want you to have hope. This family can come together and grow. Reach for all the help you can get---it is out there for you.
Keep your faith!
dandylion
Please believe me when I tell you that this is not an easy or short road to follow. It is imperative that you get support from those who have had more experience/knowlege than you have at this point. So much of what you will have to do will seem counterintuitive, at first. It will go against your motherly instincts, at times.
This can tear a family or marriage apart if you are not all on the same page. You and your husband will need to talk---and talk some more. But, be careful not to blame each other. Be careful, also, not to blame your son for having the disease.
alanon will help tremendously. Family therapist--schooled in addiction. Talk to recovered alcoholics. Read all the articles written by Dr. Floyd P. Garrett. These can be found on the website: PsychiatryandWellness.com. Also read everything you can get your hands on. I am assuming that you have read the stickies at the top of this main page?
My heart goes out to you. Also I want you to have hope. This family can come together and grow. Reach for all the help you can get---it is out there for you.
Keep your faith!
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Mass
Posts: 149
Two days in and I'm a mess. AS came by last night and seemed fine. He made the comment that he was enjoying his freedom and not answering to me. I'm a bit of a helicopter parent so I can understand that. Anyway, he knows that we aren't supporting him so he will have to get a job. He has enough money to last through December so he should be ok. He doesn't have his car and we aren't willing to give it to him. He did ask if I would take him to AA meetings 3 or 4 times a week and I agreed. I also said that if he needed a ride to school or to his internship that I would give him a ride. I have no idea if he has been drinking since he left but if he hasn't he probably will soon.
Now, for me I am having the hardest time. I can't sleep. I live in fear of the phone ringing in the middle of the night so can't sleep in the dark. Have no idea why I think the lights on will help but they do. During the day hours I'm remarkably calm but as soon as night gets here I'm just a ball of fear and nerves.
So glad I found this SR. It has helped in so many ways.
Now, for me I am having the hardest time. I can't sleep. I live in fear of the phone ringing in the middle of the night so can't sleep in the dark. Have no idea why I think the lights on will help but they do. During the day hours I'm remarkably calm but as soon as night gets here I'm just a ball of fear and nerves.
So glad I found this SR. It has helped in so many ways.
Let go and Let God!
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 352
As an alcoholic/addict I want to tell you what you are doing is wonderful! My mother did the same thing to me when I was 14. I know now how hard it was on her, but I have thanked her so many times for what she did.
Looking back I used to say she kicked me out. That was the way I seen it then. I did have a choice, but felt I didn't. Today I know I had a choice and mine at the time was to leave. I wasn't going to follow her rules, because that meant I couldn't drink.
After years of using, I went to my mom when I wanted to get clean and sober. I always knew she was there. I am sure your son feels the same way. In our own sick way we know by you giving us a choice of leaving or following rules, you really do love us.
As hard as it is on you, you are doing the right thing. Hopefully one day he will thank you for what you did, as I have my mom many times in the past 9 years.
Looking back I used to say she kicked me out. That was the way I seen it then. I did have a choice, but felt I didn't. Today I know I had a choice and mine at the time was to leave. I wasn't going to follow her rules, because that meant I couldn't drink.
After years of using, I went to my mom when I wanted to get clean and sober. I always knew she was there. I am sure your son feels the same way. In our own sick way we know by you giving us a choice of leaving or following rules, you really do love us.
As hard as it is on you, you are doing the right thing. Hopefully one day he will thank you for what you did, as I have my mom many times in the past 9 years.
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