Going for it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Amsterdam
Posts: 6
Going for it!
Dear Forum members, new to the forum and wanted to share my story.
I am originally from South America and I live in Amsterdam for about 11 years.
I began consuming alcohol since i was 16, at the beggining i felt that being drunk I was more sociable and well, it was just fun. It didn't took a lot of years to get to the point that socializing and going out was unthinkable without a substancial use of alcohol.
Then I discovered cocaine, wich made me even more sociable (to my own eyes, know i was and still am despicable when I use it) and would let me drink even more without filling sick from the alcohol. A lot of years went through, of course all my friends where just like me, heavy alcochol and cocaine consumers. I've managed to go to university and secured good jobs to my self. When things began getting out of hand, I loose my job due to coming late every morning, i knew i had to do something about it, and because i had always willed to spend some time in europe thought that by coming here and leaving al my friends behind i could concentrate in my self and eventually go on, develope my self without substance abuse.
So it happened, but only lasted about 3 or 4 years. I secured a good job which I later would loose related to my substance abuse or depressions (eventually, all of them later too). Even got a partner that lasted 10 years. About the third year being in Amsterdam when the excitement of being here began to fade, I found my way again through alcohol and drugs. Since then I have been consuming more and more alcohol, to the point that i cannot go a day without drinking, and more often than not I find myself drinking just to get dronk, in my own. Cocaine is just about money, if i have it ill spend it in it and I see it more of a subproblem of my alcohol consumption.
I have been two times in a detox program here in the Netherlands, although i couldnt say it didn't helped me, i wasnt able to keep clean for long.
Last year, in aprill 2011, riding my bike under de influence, broke my right knee in several places, had to spend 2 months in a hospital plus 6 months in a wheel chair, and have 2 titanium plates and 17 screws. Since then my life has been spiraling down. Loose my new yob, got depressed, got in debt and about 3 months ago loose my partner and he was the most dear I ever had in my life. Now my drinking and cocaine abuse has been heavily in the increase. Cannot cope with my lonelyness.
Obviously, At this point im a living human wreck, have loose all joy in life and feel totally disconected from myself and emotions, feel ashame of myself and im closing my self down to llife itself. Hell and darkness is the only thing steady in my life. Sometimes i feel there wont be anything else in life for me and im afraid of totally loosing it.
I want to change but cannot do it in my own. I'm not in the point yet of having to fix me in the morning to get going but at the peace of now it'll take sooner rather than later for that to happen and i just dont want this and wont let this to have total control over myself and my life.
Next week i will be going to thamkrabok monastery in thailand and needless to say i am way scared of everything, lossing friends and just starting a new life.
Thanks for reading ;-)
I am originally from South America and I live in Amsterdam for about 11 years.
I began consuming alcohol since i was 16, at the beggining i felt that being drunk I was more sociable and well, it was just fun. It didn't took a lot of years to get to the point that socializing and going out was unthinkable without a substancial use of alcohol.
Then I discovered cocaine, wich made me even more sociable (to my own eyes, know i was and still am despicable when I use it) and would let me drink even more without filling sick from the alcohol. A lot of years went through, of course all my friends where just like me, heavy alcochol and cocaine consumers. I've managed to go to university and secured good jobs to my self. When things began getting out of hand, I loose my job due to coming late every morning, i knew i had to do something about it, and because i had always willed to spend some time in europe thought that by coming here and leaving al my friends behind i could concentrate in my self and eventually go on, develope my self without substance abuse.
So it happened, but only lasted about 3 or 4 years. I secured a good job which I later would loose related to my substance abuse or depressions (eventually, all of them later too). Even got a partner that lasted 10 years. About the third year being in Amsterdam when the excitement of being here began to fade, I found my way again through alcohol and drugs. Since then I have been consuming more and more alcohol, to the point that i cannot go a day without drinking, and more often than not I find myself drinking just to get dronk, in my own. Cocaine is just about money, if i have it ill spend it in it and I see it more of a subproblem of my alcohol consumption.
I have been two times in a detox program here in the Netherlands, although i couldnt say it didn't helped me, i wasnt able to keep clean for long.
Last year, in aprill 2011, riding my bike under de influence, broke my right knee in several places, had to spend 2 months in a hospital plus 6 months in a wheel chair, and have 2 titanium plates and 17 screws. Since then my life has been spiraling down. Loose my new yob, got depressed, got in debt and about 3 months ago loose my partner and he was the most dear I ever had in my life. Now my drinking and cocaine abuse has been heavily in the increase. Cannot cope with my lonelyness.
Obviously, At this point im a living human wreck, have loose all joy in life and feel totally disconected from myself and emotions, feel ashame of myself and im closing my self down to llife itself. Hell and darkness is the only thing steady in my life. Sometimes i feel there wont be anything else in life for me and im afraid of totally loosing it.
I want to change but cannot do it in my own. I'm not in the point yet of having to fix me in the morning to get going but at the peace of now it'll take sooner rather than later for that to happen and i just dont want this and wont let this to have total control over myself and my life.
Next week i will be going to thamkrabok monastery in thailand and needless to say i am way scared of everything, lossing friends and just starting a new life.
Thanks for reading ;-)
Powerless over Alcohol
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny!
Posts: 4,018
Welcome 
Thats why this site exists... Almost no one can..
I am a proud member of AA and that has shown me a life without all the alcohol and drugs I did for decades..
I want to change but cannot do it in my own
Thats why this site exists... Almost no one can..
I am a proud member of AA and that has shown me a life without all the alcohol and drugs I did for decades..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Amsterdam
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by Sapling 
Welcome to SR Lightsearching....I took a pretty good beating from alcohol myself...What is the thamkrabok monastery in thailand?....Is it for rehab?
Not really for rehab. They use a secret potion that makes you piuk all the toxins and this all goes pared with meditation and such. You can find more info in their website thamkrabok-monastery dot org.
Ater im planing to go to a rehab center in thailand as well.
How did you deal with your alcohol problem?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by Lightsearching
How did you deal with your alcohol problem?
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome, Lightsearching -
Things really can get better. You're not alone - we all know how scary it is to think about getting sober. I thought drinking was the only thing I had left to look forward to, but it was actually causing all the problems I had and the anxiety/depression I was feeling.
The support and inspiration here helped me decide to turn things around for myself. It was the best thing I ever did, and it will be for you too!
Things really can get better. You're not alone - we all know how scary it is to think about getting sober. I thought drinking was the only thing I had left to look forward to, but it was actually causing all the problems I had and the anxiety/depression I was feeling.
The support and inspiration here helped me decide to turn things around for myself. It was the best thing I ever did, and it will be for you too!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Amsterdam
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by artsoul
Welcome, Lightsearching -
Things really can get better. You're not alone - we all know how scary it is to think about getting sober. I thought drinking was the only thing I had left to look forward to, but it was actually causing all the problems I had and the anxiety/depression I was feeling.
The support and inspiration here helped me decide to turn things around for myself. It was the best thing I ever did, and it will be for you too!
Things really can get better. You're not alone - we all know how scary it is to think about getting sober. I thought drinking was the only thing I had left to look forward to, but it was actually causing all the problems I had and the anxiety/depression I was feeling.
The support and inspiration here helped me decide to turn things around for myself. It was the best thing I ever did, and it will be for you too!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Amsterdam
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by Sapling
I was given the gift of desperation and ended up in AA....Another gift. After 35 years of daily drinking that cost me everything and almost killed me. I'm looking at 15 months without alcohol next week. I'm happier than I have been since I was a young kid....And finally living.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Amsterdam
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by Sapling
It looks interesting...This kind of stood out for me.
Sajja is a sacred act that, if you believe in it, will connect you with your will power and with something "beyond".
Sajja is a sacred act that, if you believe in it, will connect you with your will power and with something "beyond".
New Life Foundation thats where im going afterwards.
Last edited by Dee74; 09-23-2012 at 03:30 PM. Reason: removed blind link
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by Lightsearching
The biggest draw for me is that i just not only want to get sober, i want to get deeper in my soul and spirituality and i think only that will help me to get a more fullfilling life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Amsterdam
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by Sapling
I didn't see cost on there anywhere...Is it expensive?...Does it take insurance?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by Lightsearching
You only have to pay for your food and air ticket. It is about $500 a month or less. If you have the means you can leave a donation but is not mandatory.
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
welcome Lightsearching. i went to rehab twice and relapsed shortly after both times. it wasn't until my soul finally was so depleted and i had a kind of spiritual death that i was able to really grasp the true concept of sobriety and what it meant. it's not just about not drinking. it's about not covering up your emotions. not deadening yourself to the human experience. it's being open to pain, suffering, joy, happiness, stress, routine, the unexpected twists that life throws at us. learning to experience all of that with a clear mind and open heart and react to them in a way that will grow us spiritually. it's about learning how to be quiet with yourself and listening to what you have to say. it's about listening to others, learning from them, learning to live with them. it's about being at peace with who you are, despite what other people may think and doing what is right for your inner peace. and you can't do all that when you're drinking yourself into oblivion. drinking and using drugs the way we do shrouds us from our humanity. i think the monastery is a really interesting idea. i hope you are able to post some about the experience. glad to have you on SR! stick around. we stay sober by staying together.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
