Change4life

i cant do this. i want to drink to mask how I feel and forget about everything. Nothing is good. Just getting more depressed as the lonliness gets worse. My ex wont speak to me and That has my feeling completely empty.
I cant deal with life on lifes terms my brain doesnt have the capacity to deal with everything going on.
I need to get to a meeting and its to far away. Theres one tonight at 7:30 but by then I will have gone insane and will be drunk.
I feel miserable and a drink makes me feel good for a short time but then I start getting more depressed but I keep drinking just the same.
I freeze up at meetings and so far all I have is 1 #,the lady lives 2 buildings down but I really didnt like her and she is needy so I dont like talking to her.
i just cant do this. I went to clinic 6 hours on bus, only free clinic I could find, but they didnt prescribe any anti depressants they told me they only deal with bipolar and schizophrenics that was discouraging also. Without insurance I cant find a counselor, cheapest I could find is $25 per visit, and I just dont have it

pipparina

You can do this. The people posting on this site are proof. Remember, the feelings you are having right now will pass. But picking up a drink will push you further back into a deeper depression. A drink will not solve anything! Please don't pick one up.
Sounds like you are trying AA. Do you have a Big Book you can read until you can get to a meeting tonight? The stories helped calm me down when I was first getting sober. Reading that other people suffered but got sober gave me comfort and hope that I could too, and that I was not alone.
Read the posts on here too. Read them over and over if you need to. Just don't pick up that drink.

MrsKing

Please don't drink. You know, deep inside, that drinking will NOT help you overcome your depression... it will not help you at all - it will only make things worse. You know that, I know you do. Your brain DOES have the capacity to deal with everything going on. You may not feel it right at this very moment but you are a strong person, we all are - all we have to do in order to make that strength come out is believe in ourselves and know that we can do whatever we want to do, so long as we put our mind to it. Please do anything you can except drink before your meeting.

I'm sorry you can't find help for your depression. There are many, many, many great self help books out there and though it isn't face-to-face, understanding why we are depressed and how to overcome it can be all we need sometimes. If you can't afford the books, there are many websites on-line. I know that it doesn't seem possible right now, but you won't be depressed forever. I say this having had people say that to me, and not believe them, think they just don't understand, but it is the truth - it will pass.

Please don't drink today. It will only make you feel worse.

Sapling

If you want to listen to some speaker tapes...This site has thousands of them. It's like going to a meeting.

XA-Speakers - The lights are on!

You know what drinking will bring you...Misery. Take your mind off it...And make it to the the 7:30 tonight...As pipparina said...This will pass.

Liz45

Change4life, I am sorry you're having a tough time of it right now. I am praying you don't take that drink. It won't change anything and will only make you feel sick tomorrow. Don't do that to yourself. Even though it's hard to see right now, better days are coming. Treat yourself well by not giving in to the temptation. You won't regret it if you don't do it.

Change4life

I already drank and have more waiting for me in fridge. I cant accept whats happened, I am depressed and angry. As angry as I am never had a breakup like this before where the person just shut down and wont speak, she is just making it so difficult for me. Im just pathetically crushed. I am so numb I cant bring myself to cry, I just want to crawl in a hole and sleep. If I have to be awake I want to feel as little as possible

Sapling

You want my honest advice...Pour out what you have in the fridge and stop drinking. And go to the meeting tonight and get a white chip. You can't help yourself if you're drinking. Period.

RobbyRobot

Sorry about your troubles. Drinking always looked good and correct to me too when I believed i couldn't or otherwise wouldn't quit. What else was left? i was screwed with alcohol and without alcohol either way. i was very poor when i quit too. i ended up in a street detox rehab/program facility paid for on welfare benefits. The only possesions i had were in a green garbage bag, and I had an acoustic guitar. My friends were all drunks, my family wrote me off, my doctors expected the worst, and all i could do was just give up on everything that meant anything to me it seemed. A real hot mess. Alcoholically deluded and seduced. I really wanted to drink too...

When we get so bad that drinking becomes the most important deal we got going in a day, we're living in hell, no other way to talk about it, imo. I'm sorry it has come to that, and yet, for most drinking alcoholics, we have to get there before we can get somewhere else...

I can tell you that a proper non-drinking life will do much more than mask any problems you have, and a well lived happy sober life will not be a horrible answer to the problems you have today. Sobriety really does work, we really do change, and the suffering really does stop.

You can quit. You can. There is a way, of course there is... seriously.

I'm sorry. I totally remember just how tough it can be to want that drink and not pick it up.. and i want to tell you, that i haven't suffered from my alcoholism for many, many years now... and you too get stop suffering too.

mecanix

Drink will only make things worse and turn things into a plum dilly of a pickle .

Relying on emotional support, or any kind of input from your ex isn't a sencible thing to be doing . Almost all people have been hurt and rejected by someone maybe the ex is hurt too, to truely love someone is to give them freedom, including freedom to leave us . It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all .

When we write the story of our own lives to ourselves, it's up to us which colour pen we choose to do it in , try not to use too much red eh ?

Bestwishes, M

Caledonia1

Please stay strong, the urge to drink honestly does pass and given time you'll feel so much happier all round. Patience, day at a time. Go on you CAN do it.

tomsteve

ok, lok at the good news: you dont have the $25 for a visit with a doctor so you dont have the money for enough alcohol to change whats goin on with ya.
how bout callin the lady 2 buildings down and asking for other numbers?

alcohol is a depressant. if yer like me, it never made anything better, never masked my feelings, never helped me foreget about anything, and never took away the lonliness. it was always right there in front of me when the alcohol ran out.

you may want to pick up the BB and start reading it. but i owuld highly suggest calling that lady and gettin some phone #'s. i hope and pray you truly want to get sober and are willing to go to any lengths to get sober. if so, then you will pick up the phone.

wellwisher

I know how you are feeling. I get it and have been there.

Re-read your post, but substitute the word "won't" for the word "can't".

There is nothing in that re-reading wth either version of "can't" or "won't" that will get you out of this mess.

Now reread it with the word "can" as the substitution.

Different lens, isn't it?

For me, the problem wasn't about the lack of money (although I didn't have any but was always able to find the money for booze). The problem in my case was keeping myself from seeing real potential in what could happen if I quit drinking.

In my own world, I got shut out of people's lives and I didn't have support of family or loved ones to get sober. It is absolute fallacy that we need support from our loved ones to get sober. My family didn't want to be hurt by me anymore.

What I needed was support from other alcoholics that could help me get out of the hole.

$25 pays a lot of bus fares to AA.
$25 buys SMART Recovery materials.
$25 buys a Rational Recovery book, with change to spare.
$25 buys a counseling session with a sliding scale clinic.

$25 also buys booze.

Therein lies your choices.

You absolutely can get out of the hole, and even though it doesn't feel like it right now, I assure you, it is true. Just got to change that thinking!

Itchy

The bad news? Sober I can't deal with everything either, at least not all at once. So I have to prioritize, and do one thing at a time, some a little every day like building a house myself, takes a year or two. Then even sober there are some things I can't change like other people, only myself. The good news? The instructions are in the serenity prayer.

I can and do wish you well. Only you can make you well. But I am going to wish for you regardless of how impossible you may think you are or come across as being.

You see I was hopeless once too. Until I wasn't. I can't give you hope either, you can only take it for yourself. Take hope! But hope only comes with sobriety. For me, it took a week of hospital detox, and a few days in rehab for hope to come that I could really do it. Once I had hope my struggle wasn't one bit easier, but I struggled on without chemical help through weeks of PAWS that most younger folks or lighter drinkers never get. I remember having my first ever full blown fear generated panic atracks over some physical changes that got better the longer I healed. See I was that afraid that alcohol was about to end my life, that I struggled with nothing but hope for a month, and then it got better faster and faster.

I found out that I had no patience and alcohol was an immediate escape. The trouble is that after my body and brain relied on alcohol to keep me pain free with dopamine for long enough, it stopped making any dopamine at all.

You are not craving alcohol actually once detoxed. You are craving dopamine/pleasure stimulation. All we can do to break free is hang in there, and stay distracted until our bodies start to work normally again. I could not do that hope-less, I had to take hope. All you have to do is take hope! It is yours for the taking, here on SR, in AA, in several secular books, counseling, and in nature.

Take hope! Then let's struggle together.

artsoul

I'm sorry for your pain, Change. However, like everyone has already said, drinking is only going to make it all worse. When I was drinking, I was an emotional wreck and all my problems seemed insurmountable. It just kept the cycle going.

I can only tell you that when you start to face things sober and learn that you CAN deal with the sadness and loneliness, you're going to feel so much better about yourself. Prayers and hugs....

EternalQ

I have been there too.

I understand your struggle with clinics and getting meds. But be aware there is also a medicine that CAUSES depression. It is called alcohol.

Alcohol causes you severe depression. You have grief and loss, which is very painful. Very. Alcohol adds severe depression to that. It also adds severe anxiety when you withdrawal. It also adds insomnia, vitamin deficiency, and since it leaves you virtually unconcious it leaves you EXACTLY in the same place every morning with your grief that you were the day before and the day before that.

Grief, as scary, helpless and painful as it is, moves through you over a period of time. But with alcohol, it doesn't move. It gets blocked. Stuck.

Keep trying. You deserve a better life than I just described and you can have it. Listen to everyones wise posts. You want it. Take their hand.

Anna

Beth, I'm sorry your breakup is so painful. It sounds like all you can do is allow your ex the space she is looking for right now. Maybe there will be a time when you can re-connect, but not now. The best thing you can do now is to work on your own recovery.

DisplacedGRITS

i am afraid for you, Change. because when you sober up, those feelings are going to still be there. by numbing and burying them, you're not letting yourself feel them and work through them and the only solution you know is to keep numbing them which means you're going back to drinking like you used to and giving up on sobriety which i don't think you want to do in your heart of hearts. a break up is horrible, especially when you really invested your heart and soul in the other person. when you break up with someone like that, it's like you're losing a part of yourself and in a way, you are. what you have to do right now is mourn that loss. be sad. grieve for it's passing because it's gone and you won't get it back. think about people who never let a loved one who's passed go. they carry that sadness with them all their lives because they never let go. they never accept. accepting loss is part of life. it's part of being human. though it, we grow and we learn to live. we become stronger, wiser, fuller human beings. sadness is an eloquent part of the human soul. beautiful things have come from sadness. we wish we could protect ourselves from it but it is a hard truth that we will have sadness in our lives. all we can do is learn to feel it, accept it and move forward, even more human and more beautiful than we were before it touched us.

you're a beautiful person, if you let yourself be. pour out the drink.

neferkamichael

Change4life, so sorry you are having problems, but I'm afraid drinking is only going to make them worse. Hope ya throw the rest of the booze in the trash. Rootin for ya.

Dee74

There's a lot of awesome advice in this thread Beth - and you know it's all spot on.

I said I could never live sober either - but truly? I never gave it a chance...the first sign of trouble, the first crisis, the first person who ticked me off or made me sad, back I went....

We have to get through that - and yes it takes more than a week, or a month...it's rough and uncomfortable...but so's the life we lead drinking.

At least when we're sober, everything gets better - it really does

You're a strong person Beth - remember all you've been through - and survived.

Give yourself a chance again

Here's some links on free or low cost clinics - just enter your local area - I'm sure there's more options than that one clinic

Free/Low-Cost/Sliding-Scale Clinics
2-1-1 Call Center Search

Change4life

Im happier but not getting better. Have tons of # to clinics and such,never make a call, keep doing the same thing in a more controlled way ( in my mind LOL). still thinking I can drink safely if I watch myself. So far OK but we all know where thats going, just another lie to myself. Dont go to meetings cause I spend my free time trying to make this insane dependant relationship work. I just dont listen. Also lying to say OK cause I keep falling and I dont mean off the wagon I mean my feet