Softball27

So, it has been about two and a half months since my addicted daughter moved out. Since that time, she has started her third job just last week, she leaves at three o clock in the morning (its about a 45 minute drive) and she gets off at 4 in the afternoon. Yesterday she called me on her way home from work and asked where I was, I said home and she said ok I will stop by, well, someone else brought her home, she fell asleep driving about 10 miles away on a two lane highway( thank God she wasn't killed or injured or killed someone else) She went off the road, hit rocks and both airbags popped out. My husband took her over to the jail to see about the car which was impounded and she needs to come up with Three hundred dollars to get it out, but, my husband says it is not even worth that. He asked her on the way home if she was still using and she told him yes, but, that she only takes pills (she has been or is a heroin addict) I thought everything was getting better, but, obviously not, Now, I feel like I need to do something, I cannot stand just watching this happen, I am so afraid that it is going to end very badly and to know that I did not intervene, well..... I really do not think I could live with myself if something happens to her and I have not done anything to prevent that. Help.....part of me knows this thinking is wrong but, honestly I would give my life for any one of my children.

EnglishGarden

Have you taken steps to seek any kind of outside help? You are not capable of dealing with your daughter's addiction without support and education. Addiction is much too serious and much too distressing for any parent to deal with on her own. Addiction is a permanent condition. Your challenge will be to accept that and to seek help for the right ways to deal with its presence in your loved one.

If you have medical insurance, you can see your family doctor about your need for counseling due to the effects of family addiction impacting your emotional health, and your doctor can refer you to a counselor, with your insurance likely covering the sessions.

If you want to become a part of the recovering community at large who deal with addiction in their loved ones, you can go to meetings, and at this time, I would suggest at least three per week. Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. You will gain insight into your enabling behaviors which do no one any good, and you can gradually becomes less obsessed about your daughter's behaviors, less bound up in catastrophic thinking. Even when meetings aren't perfect, going to a meeting effects change in us, it interrupts the cycle of obsession and worry, and is certainly preferable to sitting at home feeling out of control over things we cannot control.

If your daughter has any more accidents, if she calls you and says come and get me here by the side of the road, call the police and an ambulance. Rescuing her from her consequences damages her chances for recovery. You MUST let her experience all her crises. Within those are the seeds of recovery.

Her addiction is permanent. And you need an action plan for taking responsibility for your education and recovery in order to cope with it. Reach out there where you are and get some solid help. Recovery for the addict almost always starts first with recovery in the family. You can get help, it is out there for you, and things can get better over time. It is a family disease, and everyone needs help. Pull out your calendar today and make a plan for your week which includes some recovery action. It will help you. It will help her. And just keep doing that.

outtolunch

I nearly bankrupted myself emotionally, physically and financially trying to fix my daughter. It did not work.

I manipulated my daughter into three back to back rehabs. She relapsed within hours of returrning home. Rehab does not cure addiction. Very best case, it's an opportunity for a HIGHLY MOTIVATED addict to begin to learn about some of the tools of recovery. Rehab is the easy part. Applying those tools in real life situations for the rest of one's life is the challenge.

Pills are opioids. Heroin is an opiate. No difference. From your posts, I have not detected that your daughter has done anything to help herself or has asked you to help her seek recovery.

Funding phones, internet, cars, gas, car insurance, rent and all the rest are things that many of us parents have done in the name of helping our children. The reality is that our help fosters adult helplessness and enables addiction.

Your daughter routinely puts dope into her body and was driving while under the influence, a felony crime in some places. Likely this was not the first or only time she has driven loaded. Something really bad could have happened. Absolutely nothing you could have done to prevent it. She is living her life as she sees fit to do.

My daughter did the same. She eventually cleaned up on her own and in her own time frame.That everyone she knew into drugs was either dead from OD or in prison may have been her turning point. She decided to save herself.

outtolunch

Most parents would. And then what?

Our children would still be addicted to drugs, living their lives as they see fit to do. The only thing we control here is our own reaction, especially to things we don't control.

The more we focus on things beyond our control, the less time we focus on controlling ourselves.

In our culture, it is common for parents to validate themselves when their child has done well. When an older teen or adult children chooses a different path, parents tend to feel responsible and guilty for the lousy choices made by their children. It denies that these kids have free will to live a fantasy life without consequences.

I am a firm believer that if there are no consequences, there is no hope for recovery. As a parent of an adult child, it becomes my responsibility to get out of the way and allow my adult childr to experiences the consequences of her choices.

Softball27

Thank you both for your comments, it helps alot. It is just so hard letting go, knowing that there will not be a good out come unless she decides to change. I have been reading here and also alot of books over the summer, trying to understand, and I am still struggling. I think that I must go to proffessional counseling before I drive myself crazy. Thanks again, it is so good to get input from people who have experienced this whole thing.

JMFburns

Another Mom here, just wanted to welcome you.

I also wanted to let you know that I LOVE my son and would have given up anything to help him . . . but it was his choice to live his life whatever way he wanted, not mine...I squandered (?) over $100,000 dollars trying to buy his love and make him happy, thinking that would stop him from using drugs. It didn't - and all it got me was bankrupt.

I was so sad, sick and tired of chasing his sobriety that I finally gave up and went to AlAnon and NarAnon and learned to let go of my son. He eventually checked himself into detox, checked into a recovery house, moved to one of their sober houses and has been clean for about 3 years. He hasn't progressed much more than that but that's his life, not mine.

Good luck for you and your family.

dollydo

"Honestly I would give my life for any one of my children. "

I have never understood that thought process...what about the other children, the spouse?

Has your enabling and intervening in the past fixed any of her addiction problems?

Perhaps therapy might help you to get a handle on your awfulizing and obsessing.

I am sorry that you are having to deal with this situation, however, she is an adult, you cannot live her life for her, you cannot fix her....it is all up to her.

outtolunch

There was a period of time that I found myself incapable of communication unless it was about my daughter. Just replacing "she" with "I" was torture.
Accepting that I was powerless was the most humbling work I have done.

Lots of mamas here are walking with you.

PrayingMama

Another mama here of 21-year-old RAS (opiates/IV heroin). It is so hard letting go. Hardest, most counter-intuitive thing I have ever done...and must continue to do as my son makes his own way, walking his own path, in his own recovery. I struggle to release it all--the pain of the past, the fear of the future, and be present. I pray for the grace to be present.

The only way I ever could have grown, matured and deepened as I have is with the help of the meetings (Alanon, Families Anonymous, open NA) and by reading and posting here on SR. A support community is absolutely necessary. You can not navigate these waters alone--no one can. The addict/alcoholic needs support; those around them need support. We are meant to live and grow in community, and addiction has shown me that in no uncertain terms.

If you haven't attended any "anon" meetings, I strongly urge you to do so. I, too, have sought individual counseling, and it has been a lifesaver. The most loving thing you can do for everyone in your life is to strengthen yourself and get help for you. You can't even begin to help anyone else unless you are sane, centered and grounded.

I am so sorry for your pain. Everyone here on SR is intimately acquainted with it. I hope you reach out for help where you are, and attend a local meeting as soon as possible. It will help you in ways you can not imagine until you do it.

Praying that God grants you a clear head and a calm heart.

Blessings and peace.

Schab33

I can completely relate to that statement ....

Opiates are the same as heroin just more expensive ...once my son realize how cheap heroin was I suspect that is when he tried it ...however my son denies using it I have been told by friends of his that felt the need to call and tell me ...I hope she realizes that nothing good can come starting up with pills again ...she does sound like she has some good things going for her I will pray for you and your family