hopeful21

I haven't posted in awhile about my pill-addicted, deep in denial husband, but I'm really needing SR right now.

AH is still taking percocet, vicodin, tramadol, ativan, klonopin, basically whatever he can get his hands on through various doctors, and despite his strange behaviors, obvious physical symptoms, nodding off... you name it, he still claims he is not taking any of the prescriptions he fills. BS. Since I last posted he's also been drinking way more than I've seen in a long time - which he also denies of course. Through it all, he continues to claim I am the one who is hurting our marriage because I question and nag. I still hear my codependent self asking - HOW does he NOT see that he sets me up to do this and ANY spouse in this situation would question him!!!!!?

Still, I stay in the marriage, keep my mouth shut to avoid explisive arguments and avoid HIM threatening to leave me because I don't trust him- I still want to be the one that LEAVES in the end - my way of being in control I guess. Still I stay here, coping with MY problem: addicted husband, but still I'm not qutie ready to leave. Well if nothing is changing, nothing is changing. I have certainly learned this.

Over the summer, I went to a few NarAnon meetings - I definitely found it helpful, but also frustrating because most of the people there were parents of adult children addicts, or spouses of addicts in some type of recovery - there wasn't really anyone with a spouse just plain in denial for me to relate to.

I have been going to a therapist on my own, which has been great. I realize that I now know that short of a miracle, it is inevitable that I must start my life over at 32, walking away from my 8-year marriage and once best friend who has been the biggest part of my adult life. I know that this is my reality now and I can't change or control what AH is doing with his, but I am constantly in a mental battle with myself because STILL i am not ready to walk away.

EnglishGarden

It is very common the the spouse of an addict deep in addiction and in denial to still hold on, hoping for change. If you can continue with therapy, you will be more and more in touch with your feelings and your true self (in contrast to the false self who lives with your husband) and your answers will come in time.

For now if you can separate your financial obligations from his, that would be best, as he is at risk for many legal catastrophes.

Al-Anon might work for you. There are plenty of spouses in the meetings I have attended who are in your situation, still coping with active addiction in their marriages and slowly and steadily coming to an awareness of what steps they need to take.

But if you can afford to, stay in counseling. We become very out of touch with ourselves when we live with addicts.

littleredhead52

I am in the same place you are and know the feelings you are having. I Hate this disease and what it is dong to me and his 13 year old son. sometimes I truly believe his thinking is sooo messed up and he will never get any better, It's has only gotten worse. I have been with him 11 years. And I want to leave, but can't. But I'm working on a plan B, but even that seems so far away!!! As I'm not working and can't find a job (look and apply everyday).
I am so ashamed and embarrassed to ask my children with help as I feel that I have already burnt my bridges with them for going back to him so many times. I will be 55 next month. And I know that i need to leave this relationship for my own sanity. he is on pain pills (shooting them) and any other pill he can get. And the verbal abuse is getting worse and worse.
I wish you well and hang in there. Coming here and reading and just now beginning to post is a big step for me. Alanon is my next step. But that is hard because we only have one car which he always has. And he controls the money. He also deals, But i won't give up!I deserve better and so do we all.

FindingErica

For over the past year befor I left AH, I was aware he was using and I just felt I was short on options. In fact when I look back it was like being in a fog. It was like I just couldn't fully admit what he was and what that meant. I kept trying to fix all these externals, erroneously thinking he would just one day say he didn't need that stuff anymore. When I found out how bad his addiction had gotten, I thought I could just call him and order him to quit. That the weight of 18 years of marriage would control him. I promised to go,back to him and then backed out. I just knew drugs or no, nothing was going to be different until he went through a long period of self discovery, therapy, internal healing...etc. the drugs were a symptom of some deep seated issues.

LoveMeNow

I still remember the day I finally realized my husband was an ADDICT and said it out loud. It was shortly after I joined here this past March. I almost couldn't breathe. I, too, was in a fog and had no idea what kind of demon I was dealing with. I thought I could threaten, guilt, and manipulate him into stopping. Ignorance is not so bliss afterall!!

outtolunch

The common thread in Naranon or Alanon or this forum is that we all care about someone who is addicted to drugs and trend codependent.. It really does not matter if we are siblings, parents, children, spouces or friends.

So many of us arrive here or at meetings, obsessed with saving the people we are care about, from their own lousy decisions. The more we focus on their behaviors, the less time we have to focus on ourselves.

There are no greater lies than the ones we tell ourselves.

Most of us have little experience setting healthy boundaries for ourselves and our minor children. A boundary is an "I" statement. For example, " I will not live with an addict/alcoholic " is a boundary. It does not seek to change the other person. They are free to drug and drink, just elsewhere.

We take responsibility for our boundaries and in this example, would remove ourselves from the situation and give the other person the dignity to live their life as they see fit to do.