To the Moms/Grandmas Who Have Come A Long Way . . .
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
To the Moms/Grandmas Who Have Come A Long Way . . .
To those of you who were proud of your little boys or girls - and had high hopes for them . . . everything seemed so positive and so many opportunities . . .scholarships, etc.
Please share your stories of your process of coming to terms with your child/grandchild the alcoholic or addict. How did you process your disappointment? What did you do with all of your hopes and dreams for the one who showed so much promise? How did you let go of your expectations? Did you feel anger or grief at the losses that occurred?
Were there lost, destroyed, or damaged items (cars, clothing, expensive gadgets, scholarships, opportunities?) . . .what was it like for you? Did you see a simialar car on the highway and think "he had one of those, now it is gone?" Did you see healthy looking kids on the streets or on school teams and think "my son/grandson was once that healthy kid?"
I am just wondering what those of you who have processed these difficult feelings might be able to share about letting go of the dreams and expectations.
Is your child/grandchild in trouble like mine is? How do you deal with thinking about the choices they made that lead them to this spot?
When they are in their active disease did you see the lack of self-care - dirty/stained clothes, for instance? How did you handle that?
Did they neglect their physical health? Stop going to the dentist? How did you cope?
Please, just share your stories of how you got through all of the losses and the descent into Hell - and how YOU are able to be happy when your child is still either active in the disease and/or suffering EXTREME consequences (jail, fines, black marks on record, loss of opportunities, humiliation, etc.)
Thank you
Please share your stories of your process of coming to terms with your child/grandchild the alcoholic or addict. How did you process your disappointment? What did you do with all of your hopes and dreams for the one who showed so much promise? How did you let go of your expectations? Did you feel anger or grief at the losses that occurred?
Were there lost, destroyed, or damaged items (cars, clothing, expensive gadgets, scholarships, opportunities?) . . .what was it like for you? Did you see a simialar car on the highway and think "he had one of those, now it is gone?" Did you see healthy looking kids on the streets or on school teams and think "my son/grandson was once that healthy kid?"
I am just wondering what those of you who have processed these difficult feelings might be able to share about letting go of the dreams and expectations.
Is your child/grandchild in trouble like mine is? How do you deal with thinking about the choices they made that lead them to this spot?
When they are in their active disease did you see the lack of self-care - dirty/stained clothes, for instance? How did you handle that?
Did they neglect their physical health? Stop going to the dentist? How did you cope?
Please, just share your stories of how you got through all of the losses and the descent into Hell - and how YOU are able to be happy when your child is still either active in the disease and/or suffering EXTREME consequences (jail, fines, black marks on record, loss of opportunities, humiliation, etc.)
Thank you
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Seek, on this side of the F&F, there seem to be more spouses and SOs of alcoholics so I'm not sure how many responses you will get. I want to point out that there are many more moms on the F&F of Addicts forum; you may get more responses over there.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
There are actually a few Moms/Grandmas here. The person who sent me searching the internet for help one night was the young man who became my stepson (Mr. HG and I were not married when all the 'fun' began).
Briefly, 'Jr.' nearly drank himself to death in the summer of '08, turned to crack and other drugs that fall/winter, became threatening and was given 30 days notice (law in this state) to vacate. He was told he would receive help with 3 months rent, as long as he stayed clean, stayed employed, and stayed out of trouble with the law. During the final weekend at his father's house, he went on a crack binge, got arrested, overslept, and lost his job.
During all of this he:
Lost a really good job (not the one he lost that last weekend)
Was given a 50/50 shot of living through detox in the hospital in '08
Totalled his truck
Stole from his father
Backed into my car
Had his replacement (insurance) car impounded
Was tazered by a dealer
Was in jail 5 times
Was in prison once
Was homeless for a while
My husband would have liked for his son's life to be something other than what it is, but he has learned to let that go. The sorrow over his son was great for a long time. However, he has learned to be happy about the little things.
Does 'Jr.' have a job? Yes, at the moment he does! Does 'Jr.' have a roof over his head and food to eat? Again, yes! He is learning to take care of himself. Does he still make poor decisions about drinking? Yes, he does that, too, because he has sounded a bit loopy on the phone in recent months.
For me, I don't know that I have ever really known the young man, just the addiction. He became very scary during the crack days, and mostly I'm just still afraid of him and don't want him in our house unless and until I know he has significantly changed.
...and I think that's really sad and a great loss. When he's not under the influence or raging, he's a funny, charming young man.
One thing I read recently that seemed to ring true to me:
Briefly, 'Jr.' nearly drank himself to death in the summer of '08, turned to crack and other drugs that fall/winter, became threatening and was given 30 days notice (law in this state) to vacate. He was told he would receive help with 3 months rent, as long as he stayed clean, stayed employed, and stayed out of trouble with the law. During the final weekend at his father's house, he went on a crack binge, got arrested, overslept, and lost his job.
During all of this he:
Lost a really good job (not the one he lost that last weekend)
Was given a 50/50 shot of living through detox in the hospital in '08
Totalled his truck
Stole from his father
Backed into my car
Had his replacement (insurance) car impounded
Was tazered by a dealer
Was in jail 5 times
Was in prison once
Was homeless for a while
My husband would have liked for his son's life to be something other than what it is, but he has learned to let that go. The sorrow over his son was great for a long time. However, he has learned to be happy about the little things.
Does 'Jr.' have a job? Yes, at the moment he does! Does 'Jr.' have a roof over his head and food to eat? Again, yes! He is learning to take care of himself. Does he still make poor decisions about drinking? Yes, he does that, too, because he has sounded a bit loopy on the phone in recent months.
For me, I don't know that I have ever really known the young man, just the addiction. He became very scary during the crack days, and mostly I'm just still afraid of him and don't want him in our house unless and until I know he has significantly changed.
...and I think that's really sad and a great loss. When he's not under the influence or raging, he's a funny, charming young man.
One thing I read recently that seemed to ring true to me:
We don't have to forget someone we love.
What we need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality
without being bitter or sorry for ourselves.
For Mr. HG and I, learning that is just time and patience.
What we need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality
without being bitter or sorry for ourselves.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Seek, I have a few things to tend to away from the house, but wanted to let you know I saw your post. I will be back to share my experience as the mother of an addict, and grandmother of an addict. Hugs! 
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by Learn2Live 
Seek, on this side of the F&F, there seem to be more spouses and SOs of alcoholics so I'm not sure how many responses you will get. I want to point out that there are many more moms on the F&F of Addicts forum; you may get more responses over there.
The moms will find it here.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Illinois
Posts: 10
When I first suspected that my child had a drinking problem, I sort of rationalized that it wasn't that bad, a phase, will grow out of it, etc. Denial is a powerful emotion. I realize now that from about the age he was 21, it just was a progressive downward fall. You try to grasp on to anything that seems positive in their life and convince yourself that it can't be that bad if a sweet girl marries him, he keeps a job, no reoccuring legal problems, etc., but its always in the back of your mind that there is a problem. This went on pretty quietly for 10 years. Any dreams that I had when he was this perfect little boy were so very gone replace with hopes of just wanting him to be happy and content. Then the girl leaves, the job is lost, still no legal problems because we only leave the house for supplies (vodka, beer and fast food).
Then the endless drunk dials. You don't even want to pick up the phone becasue you know its going to ruin your day or evening. A constant complaint about something, and everything is somebody else's fault. Then you get the call from the hospital that he ends up in hallucinating because we try to quit drinking cold turkey. After an 11 day stay, you are told that "it wasn't that big of a deal, I can still drink beer, you're making too much out of it." Its always in the back of your mind and the pit of your stomach. And then, when you realize that they are drinking again, you go no contact, trying "tough love" or whatever you want to call it, thinking that they must love you as much as you love them and surely they will want the help that you have offered. But, unfortunatly, too many of them are in too deep with the disease and their only true love is alcohol. They will do anything to protect that relationship.
Then in my case, you get the call that they have died at 31 years of age. Gastrointestinal bleeding. So much blood they initially thought it was a homicide. You are numb. Go through the motions to have a lovely funeral for that perfect little boy. And if you think there is any releif then, don't count on it. You are left with, well first, heartbreak that your child is gone. Then guilt; what could have I done differently? It haunts you. You think of them first thing in the morning, last thing at night, and a million times throughout the day. And you miss them. And the ONLY people who understand are parents who have lost a child to an addiction. It's a "dirty death" and people who have lost children to a "real, no fault" disease really don't have much sympathy because they look at your child's death as a choice. I realize this is just my story and I'm not really sure how many here have had the "final" outcome; death. But it does happen and I don't wish it on anyone. I would rather still be dealing with his drinking problem.
Then the endless drunk dials. You don't even want to pick up the phone becasue you know its going to ruin your day or evening. A constant complaint about something, and everything is somebody else's fault. Then you get the call from the hospital that he ends up in hallucinating because we try to quit drinking cold turkey. After an 11 day stay, you are told that "it wasn't that big of a deal, I can still drink beer, you're making too much out of it." Its always in the back of your mind and the pit of your stomach. And then, when you realize that they are drinking again, you go no contact, trying "tough love" or whatever you want to call it, thinking that they must love you as much as you love them and surely they will want the help that you have offered. But, unfortunatly, too many of them are in too deep with the disease and their only true love is alcohol. They will do anything to protect that relationship.
Then in my case, you get the call that they have died at 31 years of age. Gastrointestinal bleeding. So much blood they initially thought it was a homicide. You are numb. Go through the motions to have a lovely funeral for that perfect little boy. And if you think there is any releif then, don't count on it. You are left with, well first, heartbreak that your child is gone. Then guilt; what could have I done differently? It haunts you. You think of them first thing in the morning, last thing at night, and a million times throughout the day. And you miss them. And the ONLY people who understand are parents who have lost a child to an addiction. It's a "dirty death" and people who have lost children to a "real, no fault" disease really don't have much sympathy because they look at your child's death as a choice. I realize this is just my story and I'm not really sure how many here have had the "final" outcome; death. But it does happen and I don't wish it on anyone. I would rather still be dealing with his drinking problem.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
How did you process your disappointment? What did you do with all of your hopes and dreams for the one who showed so much promise? How did you let go of your expectations? Did you feel anger or grief at the losses that occurred?
She has focused on the fact that addiction is a disease.
There is a grief process, just like there would be if your child had cancer or a chronic illness or is injured in an accident.
The difference, and the hard part (she says) is that in all those other cases, you can actively help by being there, and that helps you in the process of grieving.
With addiction, helping by stepping away and letting them fall is the only way to help -- but it goes against every fiber of your instincts. And that's what makes it so much harder.
She says, "there's only one way through, and that is through."
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: IL
Posts: 48
I too have a son with a drinking problem. He drinks until he blacks out and can't remember anything. He's lost his license from 2 DUIs, ben arrested 8 times, is now on probation but still drinks. It is tearing our family apart and my heart is breaking....I worry each nigt if he will end up in jail or will he wake up in the morning. He is 23. I don't know whether to cut him off and not answer the phone or still be there. I just want it to stop....
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