He's sober- He's get's the praise -n- a cute chip- And what do I get?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
He's sober- He's get's the praise -n- a cute chip- And what do I get?
This was a weird one for me today.
From what I was told from a few of his friends
he posted on his facebook, that he has been sober
for 8 month's now. He got the chip. They are SOooo Happy for him.
{insert: sacrastic remark -Oh, isnt that nice!!!!}....Ugggg
Yes, Im happy for him too
But it dawned on me - These are the same
people that never gave shout out to me, to see if I was dead or
alive, during his heavy addiction and even today.
{insert: poor me}
I'm the one left holding the bag, all of the bill's and all of the stress
trying to maintain the house and business. As he lives with his family,
free rent and meals. Let alone my kid's losing their "family" structure
{insert: bad attitude-Grrrr}
Funny, how it's alway's about THEM
Once I stopped and thought about it
The story about the fruit cake came to my mind.
I revised the recipe...
"Take out the VODKA from the fruit cake & you still have fruit cake":rotfxko
From what I was told from a few of his friends
he posted on his facebook, that he has been sober
for 8 month's now. He got the chip. They are SOooo Happy for him.
{insert: sacrastic remark -Oh, isnt that nice!!!!}....Ugggg
Yes, Im happy for him too
But it dawned on me - These are the same
people that never gave shout out to me, to see if I was dead or
alive, during his heavy addiction and even today.
{insert: poor me}
I'm the one left holding the bag, all of the bill's and all of the stress
trying to maintain the house and business. As he lives with his family,
free rent and meals. Let alone my kid's losing their "family" structure
{insert: bad attitude-Grrrr}
Funny, how it's alway's about THEM
Once I stopped and thought about it
The story about the fruit cake came to my mind.
I revised the recipe...
"Take out the VODKA from the fruit cake & you still have fruit cake":rotfxko
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
"He's sober- He's get's the praise -n- a cute chip- And what do I get?"
You got your peace of mind, and safe home for you and your kids without active alcoholism in it!
If this was a contest, you would have won by far!!!
You got your peace of mind, and safe home for you and your kids without active alcoholism in it!
If this was a contest, you would have won by far!!!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
You and the kids get a chance at peace & serenity. And you get the golden opportunity to work through your feelings of resentment.
Working a program and staying sober is not about encouragement from others and chips. It is about having the courage to give control over to something other than yourself, and taking a long, hard, painful look at yourself and all of your imperfections. Among other things. 8 months sober, actively working a program, is nothing to shake a stick at.
I am sorry you are hurt, BobbyJ, I truly am. I am sorry you have been left holding the bag, and such a serious and heavy bag it is. I know how you feel. But to get better myself, I had to come to the realization that it's not all about me. I had to let go of the resentments toward those I felt wronged me and realize that what they did had nothing to do with me. It was entirely about them.
Working a program and staying sober is not about encouragement from others and chips. It is about having the courage to give control over to something other than yourself, and taking a long, hard, painful look at yourself and all of your imperfections. Among other things. 8 months sober, actively working a program, is nothing to shake a stick at.
I am sorry you are hurt, BobbyJ, I truly am. I am sorry you have been left holding the bag, and such a serious and heavy bag it is. I know how you feel. But to get better myself, I had to come to the realization that it's not all about me. I had to let go of the resentments toward those I felt wronged me and realize that what they did had nothing to do with me. It was entirely about them.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
(((BobbyJ))))
I understand where you are coming from.
I am raising our 13 year old son entirely on my own. My exah is still a raging alcoholic...currently in jail. I don't receive any child support. I'm doing this all on my own. I too was left holding the bag.
I used to be absolutely, positively consumed with anger at him. I mean...seething, I would kill him if I could get away with it, mad.
But...and here comes the bitter pill... then I had to get real and take ownership for the way my life was. I was the one who married an alcoholic and had a child with him. I didn't know or understand what alocoholism really was but I had an idea deep down in my soul that something wasn't quite right. I married him anyway because I loved him so much. I'm the one who kept throwing good money after bad trying to dig us out of holes that he dug and make things right so I could have the type of family I wanted and had always envisioned for myself. He might have been the alcoholic in the family but I was the enabler and the martyr. I danced the alcoholic/codepenent dance and listened to empty promises and tried to force my exah to change. I did all that. If I had made different choices, I wouldn't be where I am today. I can't put it all on him. But I did the best I could at the time and now I'm doing better. Forgive yourself BobbyJ for the choices you made. Forgive your Ah for his problems. It's the only way your going to find peace in your life. Anger and bitterness will destroy you. I'm not saying its not justified. It IS justified. But that's not the issue. The issue is finding a better, more peaceful, more healthy way of life for yourself. After all, living well is the best revenge, right?
I understand where you are coming from.
I am raising our 13 year old son entirely on my own. My exah is still a raging alcoholic...currently in jail. I don't receive any child support. I'm doing this all on my own. I too was left holding the bag.
I used to be absolutely, positively consumed with anger at him. I mean...seething, I would kill him if I could get away with it, mad.
But...and here comes the bitter pill... then I had to get real and take ownership for the way my life was. I was the one who married an alcoholic and had a child with him. I didn't know or understand what alocoholism really was but I had an idea deep down in my soul that something wasn't quite right. I married him anyway because I loved him so much. I'm the one who kept throwing good money after bad trying to dig us out of holes that he dug and make things right so I could have the type of family I wanted and had always envisioned for myself. He might have been the alcoholic in the family but I was the enabler and the martyr. I danced the alcoholic/codepenent dance and listened to empty promises and tried to force my exah to change. I did all that. If I had made different choices, I wouldn't be where I am today. I can't put it all on him. But I did the best I could at the time and now I'm doing better. Forgive yourself BobbyJ for the choices you made. Forgive your Ah for his problems. It's the only way your going to find peace in your life. Anger and bitterness will destroy you. I'm not saying its not justified. It IS justified. But that's not the issue. The issue is finding a better, more peaceful, more healthy way of life for yourself. After all, living well is the best revenge, right?
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Very well put outonalimb!!!
BobbyJ... I have those same angry moments. I get it... Stewing on the pity pot is not going to make it any better... But you also have to feel those feelings to get them out.
I hope today is shining brighter for you!!
BobbyJ... I have those same angry moments. I get it... Stewing on the pity pot is not going to make it any better... But you also have to feel those feelings to get them out.
I hope today is shining brighter for you!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Are you struggling with some parts of your own life or do you really want something he has.
If I am feeling frustration, jealousy or resentment over some part of my ex's life it always has something to do with an unrecognized or unmet need of my own. I know this because I would not trade places with my ex for all the tea in China. There is nothing about being him I want. When I think of it like that my resentments turn to compassion or at least just observation.
It has gotten easier with time and practice and the destructive feelings almost never make an appearance anymore and what a releif. It is another level of freedom from alcoholism.
If I am feeling frustration, jealousy or resentment over some part of my ex's life it always has something to do with an unrecognized or unmet need of my own. I know this because I would not trade places with my ex for all the tea in China. There is nothing about being him I want. When I think of it like that my resentments turn to compassion or at least just observation.
It has gotten easier with time and practice and the destructive feelings almost never make an appearance anymore and what a releif. It is another level of freedom from alcoholism.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by Babslove 
Have to admit the hardest thing is trying to forgive and move forward. My AH feels saying sorry makes it better if he stays sober. Don't they realize the hurt all the lying causes?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Bobby, I sooo remember the anger and "unfairness" of it all. I think this is the hardest emotion for the significant other to face.
It is ok to be angry---and even necessary to be aware of your emotions and feel them. Vent away about it!!!!!
The ultimate antidote to this anger is to focus full-time on yourself (and kids). You have been wounded and your own self-esteem and welfare need attention.
I am glad that you came here to post and share. Hang around!!!
I can't give you a chip, but please accept this little cartoon as my salute to your bravery
7
dandylion
It is ok to be angry---and even necessary to be aware of your emotions and feel them. Vent away about it!!!!!
The ultimate antidote to this anger is to focus full-time on yourself (and kids). You have been wounded and your own self-esteem and welfare need attention.
I am glad that you came here to post and share. Hang around!!!
I can't give you a chip, but please accept this little cartoon as my salute to your bravery
7
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
I've got this posted on my fridge...not sure where it came from
FORGIVENESS
Forgiveness
is a journey of the heart.
We don't reach our destination
in one giant stride,
by somehow willing ourselves there.
Rather,
we make a humble beginning,
setting the compass of our soul
in direction of forgiveness.
We don't forgive
in order to be generous
to the person who offended us.
We don't forgive
because its the right thing to do.
We forgive in order to set things right
within our own heart.
Holding a grudge
holds us prisoner to the past.
Forgiveness frees us
to accept the injustices of life
and then move on.
Forgiveness
is a journey of the heart.
We don't reach our destination
in one giant stride,
by somehow willing ourselves there.
Rather,
we make a humble beginning,
setting the compass of our soul
in direction of forgiveness.
We don't forgive
in order to be generous
to the person who offended us.
We don't forgive
because its the right thing to do.
We forgive in order to set things right
within our own heart.
Holding a grudge
holds us prisoner to the past.
Forgiveness frees us
to accept the injustices of life
and then move on.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by BobbyJ
From what I was told from a few of his friends
he posted on his facebook, that he has been sober
for 8 month's now. He got the chip.
he posted on his facebook, that he has been sober
for 8 month's now. He got the chip.
"Oh FYI and BTW guess what your ex posted on Facebook"
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 378
Learn2Live, so well said! "to get better myself, I had to come to the realization that it's not all about me. I had to let go of the resentments toward those I felt wronged me and realize that what they did had nothing to do with me. It was entirely about them."
Getting sober blesses everyone's life. Better for the children, the parents, the spouses - there is no downside. I think our society minimizes addiction, because drinking in general is so prevalent, even when the alcoholic loses their marriage, children, job, health. This is a progressive disorder - many, including the alcoholics in our life, will eventually die from this.
I went to go see the movie "The Master" this weekend. Horrible images of the pain of addiction - what got me is here is this man in the grips of this deadly and destructive disease and when they showed him drunk and flailing - the crowd laughed. Boy, those of us with any knowledge of addiction, cringed.
I hope that we can see past our own pain. We can go on and heal, find a new marriage, live a better life. They will be fighting this horrific addiction for the rest of their lives. We loved this person once enough to marry and go on and have children with. At the very last find the forgiveness.
Congrats on his 8 months of sobriety and and your 8 months of a new life, too!
Love so many of these great and heartfelt replies! Outonalimb, I think being able to say this is the beginning of a healthy life > I was the enabler and the martyr. Beautiful.
Getting sober blesses everyone's life. Better for the children, the parents, the spouses - there is no downside. I think our society minimizes addiction, because drinking in general is so prevalent, even when the alcoholic loses their marriage, children, job, health. This is a progressive disorder - many, including the alcoholics in our life, will eventually die from this.
I went to go see the movie "The Master" this weekend. Horrible images of the pain of addiction - what got me is here is this man in the grips of this deadly and destructive disease and when they showed him drunk and flailing - the crowd laughed. Boy, those of us with any knowledge of addiction, cringed.
I hope that we can see past our own pain. We can go on and heal, find a new marriage, live a better life. They will be fighting this horrific addiction for the rest of their lives. We loved this person once enough to marry and go on and have children with. At the very last find the forgiveness.
Congrats on his 8 months of sobriety and and your 8 months of a new life, too!
Love so many of these great and heartfelt replies! Outonalimb, I think being able to say this is the beginning of a healthy life > I was the enabler and the martyr. Beautiful.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
I'm alway's amazed...
Just when you think, you got a handle on it...The strangest little thing's
will creep up on you and say "Boo - I'm back"
This incident, not only made me realize, I still have anger issue's with him
that I need to work on
it made me realize, how thankful I am today, for my recovery
Because 2 year's ago, this would of put me to bed crying and my sails would
of been draggin on the ground
Today: I'm honest with myself and I know I have come along's way's...
That ol' bitter pill
isn't alway's easy to swallow, but it sure taste better with recovery...
Just when you think, you got a handle on it...The strangest little thing's
will creep up on you and say "Boo - I'm back"
This incident, not only made me realize, I still have anger issue's with him
that I need to work on
it made me realize, how thankful I am today, for my recovery
Because 2 year's ago, this would of put me to bed crying and my sails would
of been draggin on the ground
Today: I'm honest with myself and I know I have come along's way's...
That ol' bitter pill
isn't alway's easy to swallow, but it sure taste better with recovery...
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I recently finished reading a drug addict memoir and when I closed the book I realized I was angry and I couldn't at first understand why. After all, he told us all the bad stuff he did on drugs and how he's clean now and he's got a new wife and kids and a great job and it is a success story about beating his way back from the abyss so why was I angry?
And I sat with myself and realized it was because he seemed not to realize how much deep damage he had done to other people nor did he ever once talk about amends and restitution. I just can't connect with an addict's success story unless it is about amends. Addicts eventually reach a point of genuine suffering, but getting there? It can be a lot of years of good times getting there. While everyone around the addict hurts like hell. We take every betrayal and unkind word and every criticism straight through our hearts, without narcotics to buffer the pain.
If an addict's facebook page isn't humble, then there's something missing. In my opinion.
Gratitude. Humility. Amends.
And I sat with myself and realized it was because he seemed not to realize how much deep damage he had done to other people nor did he ever once talk about amends and restitution. I just can't connect with an addict's success story unless it is about amends. Addicts eventually reach a point of genuine suffering, but getting there? It can be a lot of years of good times getting there. While everyone around the addict hurts like hell. We take every betrayal and unkind word and every criticism straight through our hearts, without narcotics to buffer the pain.
If an addict's facebook page isn't humble, then there's something missing. In my opinion.
Gratitude. Humility. Amends.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
What do you get?
You get a life free of alcoholism.
That's worth way more than the feeble praise of people who pat someone on the back for doing what most civilized human beings have done every freakin' day of their lives.
You get a life free of alcoholism.
That's worth way more than the feeble praise of people who pat someone on the back for doing what most civilized human beings have done every freakin' day of their lives.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 146
Yes it does seem like it's always about them. It's always about them when they are actively drinking, and it's always about them when they are in recovery, and it's always about them when they have been sober for several months. Alanon should give out chips to the partners. Since I have been alcoholic partner free for many many months now I can truly see how EVERYTHING was centered around the alcoholic and their behavior and the devastation they leave behind. It takes a while to work through the anger- especially the anger at myself for putting up with it for so long.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
While everyone around the addict hurts like hell. We take every betrayal and unkind word and every criticism straight through our hearts, without narcotics to buffer the pain.
If an addict's facebook page isn't humble, then there's something missing. In my opinion.
Gratitude. Humility. Amends.
If an addict's facebook page isn't humble, then there's something missing. In my opinion.
Gratitude. Humility. Amends.
Amends - after a searching inquiry, searing awareness and supine acknowledgement of what they've done to us.
Amends - not just the A's usual, passing-by "sorry." A contrite, humble apology. A soulful penance. A teary-eyed expression of remorse. Repeated, on one's knees. Something that lets us KNOW that the A finally gets it, gets us, gets our suffering, gets our struggle. An opening of the door to human reconciliation.
Amends - asking what would it take to make things right then making things right, changed behavior, actual redress, restitution, recompense, reparation, restoration, mending the fences ...
ALL THREE, but stoppable AT ANY TIME by the one to whom amends is being made ... by way of understanding, mercy, or forgiveness back. Not simply forgiveness in and to clear one's own head. Forgiveness in response to Amends.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 225
I can SO relate to this. My XA has been gone for a month now. Two days after he left he ended up in the hospital. I got an email from him yesterday telling me how much better he's doing. His health is better, he hasn't had a drink since he left, he's getting counseling, etc. And he was going to a party last night. I guess that was the part that ticked me off. Yes, I have a life free of alcoholism now. And I'm very glad of it. I'm also struggling to pay the bills and come up with a way to make some income. I'm trying to catch up with maintenance and repairs that were neglected around here for months. I can't even go out for lunch because I'm too busy working around the place, and I can't afford it. But he's going out to restaurants and parties. I love him and wish him the best, I really am glad that he's doing well. But I can't help feeling a little resentful. I know it will pass because I don't like holding anger and resentment, I know it's not good for me. But it's going to take a little while to get over it.
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