OhBoy

I wish she knew how much it hurts to see her struggle.
I wish she knew that I have to remove myself from her struggles.
I wish she knew how much it hurts to see her walk out the door to have a good time and leave me alone.
I wish she knew how it hurts to be alone without her.
I wish she knew how much it hurts to be alone with her.
I wish she knew how alone I feel all the time.
I wish she knew that I hate to think of a life without her.
I wish she knew that I hate to think of a life with her.
I wish she knew that I am here for her.
I wish she knew that I cannot be here for her.
I wish she knew that I understand its a disease.
I wish she knew I don't understand her disease.
I wish she knew that I want more than anything in the world for her to get better.
I wish she knew that I am getting myself better.
I wish she knew that WE cannot be better until I get better.
I wish she knew WE cannot get better until she gets better.
I wish she knew how sick she is.
I wish she knew how sick I am.
I wish she knew.............................................. .....

amy55

I know....... and many ((((((((((((((((hugs to you))))))))))))))))))))))

Katiekate

I wish she knew too.

mrsbrownie

that's what i said too...i wish he knew

RoundII

She will only know if you tell her. I had a long discussion with my AW today and let her know how I felt about her drinking and how it affected me. I don't know that it will make any difference, but I know that I cannot read her mind or emotions any better than she can read mine.
Communication has always been one of our shortcomings.

Threshold

Yes, tell her. My ex never told me anything. And when I got into recovery, he told me it was over. I longed to know he cared, that he noticed I was hurting, I longed to know that he missed me, and missed us.

There is no guarantee it will make a difference, but it sure would have made a difference to me.

brownhorse

If you could tell her and she would listen, she would know.

Focus on you! Best wishes. It gets so much easier when you focus on what you can do. I know its hard!

sesh

I think at some level she must know all that, but she can't afford to, since than she'd have to deal with it, and dealing with it would mean she'd have to admit to herself all it is true, and it all of it is true than she'd have to ... and she is not ready to do that, if she was she wouldn't need you to tell her....

And also I am sure you have told her all that many times in many different ways, she just can't listen (yet?)...

so sorry you're hurting so much

I wish you well

OhBoy

Yes I have told her many times in many different ways. Right now she is too caught up in her addiction to "hear" me.
Thank you,
OhBoy

akalacha

This part really got to me....
I wish she knew how it hurts to be alone without her.
I wish she knew how much it hurts to be alone with her.¨
It's been almost a month since my XA has been gone. Sometimes I feel so alone I can hardly stand it. But then I remember how alone I felt during the last year when he was here. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, I know how much it hurts. Sending you hugs & support.

mdh0723

(((Hugs)))

Tuffgirl

I agree with sesh..if you go read the newcomers to recovery and the alcoholism forums, you'll see that they know. But denial is a powerful barrier to actually acknowledging and changing.

BlueSkies1

This thread has haunted me for days. I've come back to read it several tiimes. I feel so many of the same things.
He insisted upon continuing the behaviors that hurt me, even if he didn't mean to hurt me with them.
At some point, I started behaviors that hurt him back. Somewhat vindictive, and somewhat screaming for sanity to take hold. I thought if I too acted insanely, he would realize that things had to change...his desire for sanity would kick in.
My hurting him back back-fired. I achieved nothing but more pain. He was definitely up for the challenge of more creative ways to achieve insanity in the relationship.
I bit off more than I could chew. I met my mark and then some...I took on someone who knew how to be more stubborn than I, more rigid than I, more combative than I.
Never underestimate an alcoholic.
That is not what I intended to write, but I am going to leave it as is.

You're onto something...don't stop...continue.

BlueSkies1

Quoting 4myboys from BobbyL's thread--

"But you know what, I would never, never, never go back. I get to see my kids starting to heal. I found out who my real friends are. I am learning to seperate what I need from what I want. I rediscovered my voice. I remembered I am strong. A lot of days I don't want to but I am fighting to have a life I can be proud of."

I thought you might need to read that like I did.

OhBoy

That is a difficult struggle for me every day. I SOOOOOOO want to act crazy & hurt her, but I don't. Even little things I have to stop & think about, like when I take her clothes off the line, I want to put them in the basket unfolded (I have already folded mine) like somehow that would make me feel better! Take that! Your clothes are wrinkled! But I stop & think, be the bigger person & fold them & put them in the basket. Who would think taking clothes off the line would be such an emotional struggle? Although I admit I have once or twice thrown one of her slippers in the other room so she has to hunt it down. I just blame it on the dog, he's always running around with one of her slippers anyway! Somehow I don't think a missing slipper hurts as much though.