Cam

So, here I am about to hopefully lay it all out in a way that make sense. right now I'm about 9 shots into Whiskey. The sad part is I can sort of type okay as long as I keep backspacing, oh and autocorrect.

Anyways, I'm pretty much certain I have a problem. The backstory is... I started drinking at 16. Sneaking out with friends every weekend untill I started buying a couple bottles of rum from my buddies GF who was 21 at the time. Every week, 2 bottles of rum. I was living with my parents at the time so I would sneak it in at night. I woudl put the bottles under my bed so they wouldn't see them in the trash. Months goes by and I realised I couldnt' stuff anyhmore bottles under the bed. I thought to myself.... the hell am I doing? Not only am I drinking with my buds, but also by myself.

So I moved out and turn 21. All alone and away from most of my buddies. I would occasionally hit up some parties. Of course I would drive home at 2am in the morning. I would be at that point where I would remember about half the drive home. I would wake up in the morning and think about how I could've killed someone even if I thought I was a good driver. I mean 1 lapse in thought and I could've been in the other lane. Well anyways, about a month out of the house, 21 and alone.... I started hitting up the convienxce stores. There was beers of teh World in town so I would buy 30 racks, some high alcoholic craft beers and such. After I found out it was too expensive, I switched to teh liquor stores $20 1.75L whiskey.

Yep, that was it for me. I would try and "savor" that bottle for 5 days. Most of the time it wouldn't last that long. Sometimes I would come home for lunch and do 3 quick shots just to get thru the ****** work day. I work with online retail and they pretty much made me hate humans in general.

I'm all over the place here and I apologize but those 9 shots are getting to me. I'm at that pint typing this where I don't want to even think. I either want to mindlessly play a game ore sleep. So anyways as I try to gather my foggy thoughts, my background of to why I drink (or the excuse). Baiscally, I put my life savings into a stock that went bankrupt so I lost all my savings. It wasn't ath simple as before that I would day trade and I was addicted to taht, but I lost everything. Also, I'm at the piont where I would rather drink alone without anyone around me. I have bcome anti social and depressed. I would ahve dakr thoughts when drunk. See, I'm all over the place. I don't think I can end this, so I will stop

bottom line is.... I have a problem. I need to stop this BS. I use to get hangovers, but not anymore. i would pass out, wake up, and feel fine ready for 5am work day. I would of course get a queasy stomach, but ath was about it... maybe an occasional headache. This is so sad and I'm about to breakdown because I'm at a sad state right now. I have thoughts all over teh palce. I'm basically rambling on and not knowing what I said the last sentance.

So, where do I being? Alcohol is apart of me. Do I just stop and say to msyelf teh pain without it will pass? What if it doesn't pass? What to do? I'm about to pass out. I'm so sad. I get this self pity crap going to when I'm drunk. I look at my 1/4 bottle left of whiskey wand wonder how that was only 2 days.....I guess you gotta start somewhere. This si where I am. See, I don't call it rock bottom because I still work my ass off to support my lifestyle of a nice place, car and such. So, it's an odd feeling to have that rock bottom feeling... but your really not there...........


yet. .

Anna

The best place to start is talking to your dr to find out if you can quit safely.

And, yes the pain will stop, but it will take some time. My advice for stopping is to come here and post and read every day. Get rid of the alcohol in your house and don't byy anymore. Stay away from people and places where alcohol is present. Shake up your daily routine so you have specified plans for the time of the day you would be drinking.

Dee74

Hi and welcome Cam

You've found a great community here - there's a lot of support advice and encouragement here....I hope you'll come back and look at your responses.


Everyone here wonders who they're going to be sober...but look around - there's thousands of people here, all in recovery, a lot of THEM for years....not one of them would be if they felt they lost out on the deal.

Yes, it's scary, yes, it will be uncomfortable at times, yes it means making changes to our lives...but for me, it was worth it.

I was the neighbourhood drunk - I threw away 2 careers and 3 relationships for drink...I lost my self respect and my health...but I was a rock bottom internally a long time before it started to manifest itself physically...

I got sober 5 years ago.

Now I can look at myself in the face in the mirror again. I'm proud of me and what I'm doing with my life.

You can have that too - there's no real secret beyond accepting it's time for a change and some hard work

Admitting the problem is the first step to doing something about it
You'll find a load of support here Cam

D

Cam

Thanks guys.... much appreciated for the quick comments. Funny am I'm listening to the great AIC, Chris Cornell guest appearance sings: "I'm 'bout as low as I can get
I'd leave but I can't forget
Still I wonder why it, it ain't right?"
How perfect timing?

I'm sure 90% of the members here have gone thru much more than I have which I can't even imagine, but if they are successful, I don't see why I can't.

See, I start to drink because I like the feeling. I like to wind down and forget all of lifes negative attributes. Now this is no problem if I ahve a couple. the problem is I can't stop. I know that alcoholism is genetic on my mom's side, so this is why I know something is up. I have ot nip it in the bud before it is too late. Being 22, I ddon't want to have thi carry into my 30's becaus ehat would be regretful. POstiive thinking, you guys have already started. Appreciated.

Also, I'm experience mood swings lately... like I'm bi-polar but I'm pretty sure I'm now. Case in point like right now my first message I felt like hell, but now I'm more upbeat. I experience this even when sober. I don't know if this is the effects of alcohol/withdrawal during the day or what, but I've been noticing more and more the past couple of months.

smacked

Glad you're here Cam.

artsoul

Welcome, Cam -

I was extremely depressed and anxious when I came here (all due to alcohol, even though I didn't know it at the time). I know that dark feeling you talked about, and you don't have to live like that anymore.

Detox can be dangerous, so it's best to get medical help. Take it one step at a time and keep reading and posting!

tzivia

I second the advice about seeing a doctor for alcohol drinking. Quitting without medical supervision can be dangerous.

I'm new in my sobriety, 27 days, so I don't feel qualified to give advice. But I will tell you where I'm at. I have a great family, wonderful job, never lost a relationship or job to my drinking, and no dui's. But I'm an alcoholic, and when I drink I absolutely cannot limit myself. I end up drinking way more than I'd planned too, and pass away my weekends in a complete blur. That's not living, and I am truly sick of it. For me, that's my bottom. I've hated my life spent in an alcoholic haze, and I know I'm better than that, and capable of so much more in my life. Enough was enough. I've had it with the way I've been living, really not living, and I refuse to do that anymore.

There are tons of us here on SR in different stages of our drinking and recovery. Some with many year sober, and some just starting out. There are many here who are new in their sobriety, like me, and still struggling through the difficult days and learning to cope with cravings and triggers. That's where I am now, but whenever I need to I come here and post, and get some good advice. And tons of inspiration. SR has been a lifeline for me and I'm grateful to be here.

I hope you'll stick around here, and look around the site a little bit. There's a forum for AA, and another for secular recovery programs like SMART and AVRT. Try and find something you think might work for you, and then work at it. You can do this. I wish you all the best.

SeekSobriety

Try going to a 12 step AA meeting. You might just find as so many of us have many people who can very much relate to your story. You are not alone here. AA and my Doctor helped save my life. There is a way to live life happy without alchohol
And drugs. Best wishes to you.

IndaMiricale

Welcome

Southerner

Hopefully you wake up this morning and decide to act upon the realizations you articulated last night. Several above have mentioned a doctor's visit. I would also recommend that action. It's quite painless. My doctor gave me a look-over, proclaimed me very healthy, and told me to get rest and then food and exercise. I was a binge drinker and fortunately was not in any advanced state of physical dependency--not sure where you are, so get a professional's opinion. Your doctor WILL NOT be judgmental. That is not their guiding principle. He or she wants to ensure that you are not at any health risk. Get that out of the way first, I would think. It is quite liberating to let your physician know your struggle.

After that, I would recommend just posting all your thoughts here until your next course of action becomes apparent to you. Everybody here, I have found, is willing to listen, sympathize, give many good pieces of advice, and let you know things will get better...if you want them too. That's probably the clincher there. Read over your initial post in the light of day and then let me know this morning if that is the you that you want to be. Would be interesting to get your perspective on that, because your view of yourself is really all that matters. Trust me on that.

Cam

So, after a day and half or so of sobriety, I felt great. I had no symptoms of withdrawal. I read what I typed and was embarrassed. But, here I am now, back on it about... I dunno 7 or 8 shots in after coming home from family. I had some sort of emotional breakdown as i thought about the past and how I cam eo this. Yet after that, I took anotehr shot. I swear, it's getting to that point where I have no choice but to seea doc.

I never had these breakdowns or "saddness" sessions. i've always been a happy drunk I gues syou can say. It's finally cathing up. Change has to come. I havfe too much of my life ahead of me controlled by a bottle. So clique isn't it?

Sapling

We come to a time where it isn't fun anymore Cam...We cross a line...And when we do...We can't go back. That's just the way it is. I think seeing a doc would be a good idea.

Dee74

I think a lot of us are unprepared for just how long we might feel uncomfortable when we quit Cam...

but really, if you look at how long we drank for, it's natural to expect a rough period....we actually get off pretty easy, I think.

Think about what you can add to your recovery.


Find more support - if that means finding a Dr then ok...if it means posting here more, that's great too - if it means looking at recovery programmes - why not?

what have you got to lose but a really crappy way of life?

D

DisplacedGRITS

i had to learn to be uncomfortable in the early stages of my recovery, Cam. it's a cold, hard fact. but the longer your sober, the more comfortable you'll become. but you gotta stay sober. you gotta break it in. you can find excuses every day to drink. work, family, unexpected twists in life. the learning stage of early recovery is about how you're going to respond to those stresses. you gotta have a plan. sobriety doesn't just happen. you've been drinking for a long time so that's your natural fall back. now is when you have to start coming up with new ones. is it exercise? reading? meditation? meetings? coming to SR? there are many options. where the rubber meets the road is where you make the decision to take one of those options instead of drinking. it's hard. really hard and uncomfortable but those cravings don't last forever. those bad feelings eventually pass. you just have to go through the human process of feeling them. i second Dee and Sapling on perhaps finding a doctor or professional who can help you out if you can. if it's an option, you really should take it. you deserve every chance you can take to get sober. you're worth the effort.

MrsKing

I know the place you're talking about, too, Cam. I stayed there for about a year. Drinking too much, deciding whilst drinking that it would be my last time (so I may as well finish the bottle) then doing it again, and again, and again. You're young and you have your whole life ahead of you. You don't have to live this way any longer. I know the sadness you talk about and I really do feel for you, because it is a horrible place to be in. But, in a way, I'm glad you're there. It means you're ready to stop. None of us stop because drinking is making us happy. We have to know something is wrong for us to change. In a very short period of time of being sober (considering the damage I'd done to my mental health through drinking) I felt so much better both mentally and physically. There really are so many benefits and if you give yourself a chance at sobriety then you can feel them, too.

You can quit today. There's nothing stopping you.

Wishing you all the best.

instant

Welcome Cam. Loving the buzz, with no off button is the deal. You hit the nail on the head.

Sugarfix

Hi Cam

I would just like to say welcome to SR - you're in good company

As for the bi-polar - it could just be the alcohol making your moods swings!

I was convinced I have it! But when I think with a clear head, I don't have bi-polar at all.

Stay sober for a few months and see how you feel then. You are only young, you have a lifetime of sobriety ahead of you - you are lucky you realise so young that you have a problem (I am only 7 years older than you, but the gap between 22 and 29 feels like a lifetime haha)!

Cam

Thanks for all the comments guys. I told myself last night I would only have a single beer... and I actually followed thru. The only issue was the anxiety that followed it for 4 hours of restless sleep. I then remembered why it has been hard for me. Being tired effects my job performance. So, it's either I drink enough to the point where I pass out or get really tired, or stay sober and struggle for sleep.

I guess this is where the doc comes it. I'm sure he'll just subscribe me some sleeping pills which would not be ideal. I hate taking drugs (I know ironic) and I'll probably just move one addiction over to the other.

I guess my question is from the "veterans", what have you found to help with the late night anxiety? I've tried cold or hot showers, winding down 2 hours before bed, taking a night walk, and a few other things. Nothing seems to work. The only thing that has is... booze. My job requires constant mult-tasking, so I can never turn off the million thoughts going thru my noggin. Then, of course the worry thoughts about life as well. You can never forget those... apparently.

smacked

Time. Seriously (I know that sucks..), you wont die from lack of sleep. You WILL sleep eventually. I started working out at the gym, seeing a counselor, and other healthy stuff but really it's just time that you need..

DisplacedGRITS

i read a lot. it takes concentration and it gives a focus for that "voice." learning and living the Serenity Prayer and really taking it to heart helps me a lot too. there's a million things you can worry about. you don't have to forget about all those problems. all you can do is plan and prepare as best you can and let that carry you though. when i go to bed at night, i take solace in the fact that i did what i could today, tomorrow's problems will come tomorrow and tonight i am sober. staying up and fretting about tomorrows problems doesn't do anything for them and only creates more problems for you. i'm on medication for my problems as well and that's helped me. not everyone needs medication so that's up to the individual. natural herbs and things like melatonin can also help with sleep. i take a natural supplement with Valerian for sleep as well. my insomnia's pretty rough. the thing is, you can't see alcohol as an option anymore. if you were to take away my sleep aids and give me the option between a poor night's sleep or booze, i'll grab my book and settle in for a bad night. alcohol is not an option. not for the alcoholic in recovery. be the alcoholic in recovery and stick to your standards. you can do it!