Dating a recovering heroin addict

Old 09-20-2012, 04:24 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 1
Dating a recovering heroin addict

Hi, I am a 30 year old woman that has recently met a man this summer. We have been dating seriously for the past two months. When I met him he told me he lives in a halfway house ( he was arrested for stealing and mandated by the court to attend rehab and finish his time in a halfway house) and has been clean for 10 months. I was extremely skeptical about going out with him but he pretty much convinced me to give him a chance. I know you must be thinking i sound a little desperate but I tried to be open-minded and non-judgemantal as I am aware we all have made mistakes in the past. I went out with him a few times and realized he was a very nice person. He seemed very attentive, kind, and we both shared the same interests. He is just about ready to move out of the halfway house but we are constantly getting into arguments bc I am frustrated and annoyed bc a. he does not work b. he doesnt have a car (so wherever we go I usually have to drive, although he does pay for dinner, movies, etc.) c. he is still techincally in recovery. He has sworn to me that he would NEVER ever use drugs again and wants to start his life and looks forward to a happy future etc. He has also told me that he is looking for a job but I just dont think he is that serious about it, to me he seems a little lazy about it and is taking his time. Do I have a right to be concerned? Should I just walk away? Should I just wait it out for him to get his life back on track, ie, car, job, apartment. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you

Last edited by CarpieDiem13; 09-20-2012 at 04:27 PM. Reason: error
CarpieDiem13 is offline  
Old 09-20-2012, 05:58 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Kialua's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
There is no way I would date an ex herion addict. I would run from this. He has to straighten out his life for him, by him, and through him. His leaning on you is just another dependence. You should examine why you would want to hitch your wagon to this star. Is this the first time you have been involved with an addictive person? I would wait at least 5 years before entering a relationship like this because
a. He did not seek treatment on his own
b. He does not have a job.
c. He does not have an apartment.

He will most likely want to skip treatment, move in with you, drive your car, and how would you be albe to get rid of him when and if things go wrong?
I'm sorry if I sound harsh but this seems like a no brainer to me, I just wish for you to avoid the road ahead.

Good Luck.
Kialua is offline  
Old 09-20-2012, 05:58 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
tromboneliness's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by CarpieDiem13 View Post
Hi, I am a 30 year old woman that has recently met a man this summer. We have been dating seriously for the past two months. When I met him he told me he lives in a halfway house ( he was arrested for stealing and mandated by the court to attend rehab and finish his time in a halfway house) and has been clean for 10 months. I was extremely skeptical about going out with him but he pretty much convinced me to give him a chance. I know you must be thinking i sound a little desperate but I tried to be open-minded and non-judgemantal as I am aware we all have made mistakes in the past. I went out with him a few times and realized he was a very nice person. He seemed very attentive, kind, and we both shared the same interests. He is just about ready to move out of the halfway house but we are constantly getting into arguments bc I am frustrated and annoyed bc a. he does not work b. he doesnt have a car (so wherever we go I usually have to drive, although he does pay for dinner, movies, etc.) c. he is still techincally in recovery. He has sworn to me that he would NEVER ever use drugs again and wants to start his life and looks forward to a happy future etc. He has also told me that he is looking for a job but I just dont think he is that serious about it, to me he seems a little lazy about it and is taking his time. Do I have a right to be concerned? Should I just walk away? Should I just wait it out for him to get his life back on track, ie, car, job, apartment. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you
The basic thing here is that you can't change people. The standard advice for you is to go to Al-Anon -- that's the 12-step group for friends and families of alcoholics and addicts.

If he doesn't feel like getting a job, you have to accept that. That doesn't mean you have to pay for stuff, give him money, etc. -- in fact, I would not recommend doing either! He has to figure his own situation out.

Usually, when someone gets sober, the standard advice is, no big life changes for a year. Typically, what they mean is, no new relationships -- but it's a little late for that advice.

When my wife went to treatment and got sober and healthy, she had a counselor she saw individually and with a group. Again, the advice was, don't make any significant changes in your life until you've been sober for a year. We were already living together at that point, so what ended up happening was, we got married the year after she went to treatment (for 5 months). She had been sober for around 14 months at that point, but it was only about 10 months after she was discharged from what she now refers to as "the Spa."

Your guy isn't "still" in recovery -- he's going to be in recovery for the rest of his life, or at least that's how most people see it. It's not something you finish up, get the certificate, you're clean, and everything proceeds as if the whole mess had never happened. If you do it right, it's better than that, because you have gained all sorts of important life lessons that can't really be learned any other way.

But tip #1 is, look up Al-Anon in the phone book (or on the Web), find a meeting, and go -- at least once a week, for the foreseeable future. It'll help you understand a lot of things -- most of which don't have much to do with the addict! Good luck.

T
tromboneliness is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:16 AM.