bumble

Hi all,

Really struggling with feeling ashamed. I've said unkind things to people while drunk, so much so that some of my friends stopped talking to me. Took me years to find out why - I was so drunk I didn't remember. I hurt someone I loved deeply and he left my life. I made my mother cry, I disappointed my father. I humiliated myself in front of friends, my sisters, even my grandmother, whom I admire more than anyone else.

I feel like this will be hanging over my head forever; I could never drink again, and in fifty years everyone will still remember. I know it's crazy, and I know I can't worry about the future but sometimes I can't help picturing my sister gravely telling her kids one day "Now, you be careful with alcohol. You know your Aunt ____ had a problem....". If everyone is going to remember anyhow, what's the point? My drinking escalated, ironically enough, after I attended some counselling sessions for it. There was something about taking a good, hard, honest look at what I'd done and who I'd hurt that made me want to crawl back into that bottle and all the oblivion it could provide.

I just don't know how to get past this. I'm too teary to type anymore, and I'm at work; I can't start crying here. Does the self-loathing ever go away?

elihoping

I'm in very early days myself but are you in a programme? From what I gather, self-forgiveness comes at some point in AA. Are you still attending counselling? My therapist tells me that at some point, I will be able to forgive myself for every bad thing I've done. Quite looking forward to reaching self-forgiveness!

Dee74

It does Bumble....but like anything it probably takes a little longer than we'd like

I found the more I stayed sober and 'lived right' the more I started to see the present matters, not the past...the past is gone..whether we like it or not, we can't change a second of it.

We can move mountains today tho, if we want

And don't worry about reputations - I used to be the neighbourhood drunk. Noone remembers me like that anymore.

It takes a little time, but we can move on from our mistakes

D

Anna

Yeah, it's really hard to get over the shame and guilt, isn't it. I was overcome with feelings of shame for a long time. Like you, I had hurt those closest to me. What I can tell you for sure, is that it does get better. It takes time but the feelings you have will fade and you will be showing people that you have changed. I had to learn a lot about patience. I also had to learn to let go and not try to control other people's feelings. All I could do was apologize and change myself.

I should add that I found journalling helped me a lot. I wrote down all the negative stuff that came into my mind and that helped to release it.

doggonecarl

I've been drinking and drugging since before I was an adult, over 35 years. I may not have hit the bottom, but my morals did. I've been sober two years. I still feel shame about things I've done decades before.

But it doesn't make me want to drink. I can live with whatever remorse my transgressions have caused.

IndaMiricale

Yes you will as long as you work on yourself. For me it was the 12 steps..

Hevyn

Absolutely! I agree with Dee. I was the world's worst for remorse, guilt, and shame. It kept me drinking for years. Every time I began to sober up, I'd dredge up all sorts of terrible memories - and go right back to getting numb.

When I came to SR I was able to talk about this with people who really understood. No one in my life had my problem with alcohol, so there was no point even trying to explain. It would have been nice if those who loved me had been interested enough to learn about addiction or alcoholism, but no one did.

I decided I was going to prove everyone wrong (including myself) and become the person I know I truly am. No more hanging my head in embarrassment. That drunk girl was not the real me. In time, people's memories will dim. Most will see who you are today, and the old you will fade from their memory. Hold your head high and march on - you can do this. The best times of your life are still ahead.

Dalia

I can't give you an answer but I can identify. I get it and that's right where I am at too. Good question and wishing you the best.

least

I started out feeling the same as you, like no one would ever forget and that I'd never be able to move past my blunders and live a happy life. But it did pass and I can now look myself in the face every morning without shame and regret. Give yourself time, it will pass as long as you stay in today and don't mire yourself in the past.

Sel

I was caught drinnking at work at a new and great job and I have beeling so embarrassed and disguested with myself. Everyone now knows I am alcoholic and an idiot to drink at work. For the last week I have so manyntimes wanted to kill myself. I cant sleep eat and the shame keeps growing.

doggonecarl

Welcome, Sel.

I know of no one who is ashamed of getting sober and getting their life on track. Your embarrassment and disgust can end today if you get on the path of recovery.

Good luck.

Notmyrealname

If you strive to live your life so that you have experiences and memories to be proud of, eventually that outbalances the things that came before. And over time you simply forget.

Changing how you think is part of the deal and it doesn't come quickly, but it does come. It gets better as you get better.

Part of the Twelve Steps is aimed at making amends where you can, that's a pretty powerful part of the process. Even if you are not a 12-stepper there's no reason you can't apologize.

My sister has been through some programs and she says she loves to apologize, it is very liberating, LOL! She has a point. Most people take apologies well.

Good luck

DeepBreath2012

Bumble I'm right there with ya. I've ruined my life from drinking yet here I am...ruining 6 days with another RESET.

I hate myself...and my bottom didn't even deter me. FML clearly

SoberForMySon

I hurt my mom deeply while drunk. She said I left a dark cloud over her house. Wow, that hurt. I still cry. But she is forgiving me. It gets better.

Mark75

Yes.

There is an antidote. It is a true and meaningful humility. You can get there, but it takes work and a powerful understanding of what humility really is... It is NOT humiliation, no... It is understanding of who and what you really are and what happened. And it is so much more and better than you think, and it is also less... It's hard to explain.

There are many ways to get there. AA offers a roadmap and a program that is very effective and if you are interested, grab a big book, get to a meeting and start working...

Peace to you. I struggled with terrible and overwhelming shame and it is awful stuff. I am sooooo grateful that I have found relief.

nonblondechef

Sobriety=shamelessness. You can do this - keep up the great work. Don't give up on you. You are worth the effort and the sense of pride and accomplishment you will experience will only reinhance your resolve to stay stopped. Rock on, doll!

bumble

I just now had a chance to read your posts - feeling the first glimmer of hope! I can't believe what a wonderful site this is, how incredibly compassionate the SR family is! I'll post properly tomorrow; need some more time to think. Sel, please take care of yourself!

Sapling

It's amazing what you can do with a glimmer of hope. That's all it took me to change my life.....I was pretty hopeless.

Sapling

Does the self-loathing ever go away?

And the answer to this...Is yes.

MrsKing

The shame and guilt I felt at one point was totally paralysing. I didn't want to see anyone, do anything, or even be awake, because I hated myself so much. It does go away. The longer I've been sober, the easier it's got. I still have bad days (who doesn't?) but mostly, I'm trying to keep myself in the moment and not get caught up with what was said and done months ago. Some people have forgiven and forgotten, others haven't... I can't force people to accept that I am no longer the same person... all I can do is carry on being the good person that I've come to realise I am.

The most important person who needs to forgive you is you... something that really helped me (this might sound silly) was saying to myself "you are you NOW, not then" and it got me out of my thinking about the past and into the moment. Can't change who you were, but you can be who you want to be right now.