Strugglingwife

If you yourself are an addict please excuse my biased opinion.

I,myself, have never experienced with any kind of drug. My husband however has had a problem with OxyContin for going on seven years. I simply do not understand it. He lies, hides things from me, and blows money just to get his "high". We constantly fight over the same thing. I threaten to leave, but of course can't. I love him and I want to help him but he has absolutely no desire to help himself. He doesn't think he has a problem because he "doesn't do as many as he use to". Everytime I catch him he promises to stop but he never does. He quits for about a week then he starts right back. He always has some medical reason of why he needs them. It's always because he hurt his back at work, or because he's having bad daily headaches. He comes up with reasons. I can't trust him anymore. I have to monitor him constantly to keep him clean. I'm to the point that I'm tired of trying. I feel like he will never stop for me. I'm tired Of hearing him say he will stop. He's blowing our money. We don't make the most money, and this month he's blown so much that I have no idea how we will make rent. And if we are out of money, all he has to do is call his
Mother up and she will give him however much he needs. We live in the same town as all of his family, and 6 hours away from mine so I have no one to talk to that doesn't have a biased opinion. I just need someone to talk to. Someone to give advice.

kmangel

You are right--he wont stop for you. He will only stop for himself. You can hang around until the cows come home but until he reaches a point where it is worse to use than to not use, he'll keep using.

What do you want? To live with an addict requires a lot of self preservation on your part. Have you attended support groups of friends and family of drug abusers?

justrae83

Wow! Your story was like I was reading my own story about a year ago. My ex was not only addicted to drinking but mixing with xanax on a daily basis. He would sell things he had or borrow money he didnt have to get his "fix" I swore up and down i would leave, but couldnt becuase I loved him and felt i would be abandoining him when he needed me most. Then what type of women would I be? WRONG!! took me 6 years to understand that.

After our money was going, he filled for bankrupcy, had sezuries, 2 duis, 2 weeks in jail and tried to kill himself....I FINALLY MOVED OUT. everyone has there breaking point, took me 6 years to reach mine and relize that i cant change him. He changed himself in rehab, came out sober and then we started to work on it agian. I really started to belive he had changed...but slowly it all started to come back day by day then he cheated on me and tossed me to the side.

BE VERY CARFUL of his broken promises, lies, minipulations and "hiding". What i have come to relaize is they dont stop...they just get smarter at hiding it ha ha.

dollydo

This is all about you, not him, what do you want out of life. He will continue to do what he is doing as he knows that you have no bounderies and continue to accept his using.

His mother enables him, as do you. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

I would suggest that you go to Naranon meetings, read Codependent No More and all the stickeys at the top of this forum.

Your loving him will not stop him from using, your wanting him to stop has no impact on him....his first love is drugs, that is what his life is all about, securing drugs and using them.

I am sorry that you are having to live like this...however...you have choices.

chillduke

I feel for you,I never used the oxy but used vicodin,my wife suffers severe pain and they were all over the house,of course the day came when she did a count and was low,and I guess I had enough shame to stop right away and suffer the withdrawls,if she didnt take action and I mean calling Drs, Family etc I never would have stopped,too easy to justify,it takes action and ultimatums if you cant pay the rent have his momsy take over and tell her the reason,hard when you love someone I know,I hope you have a good family to back you,im 6 hours from my family,far but you can get there,I hope your husband can get help but sounds like the type who will need a prod,i know,if need be stay with your family a while,let family/town deal with him ,they and the whole town clan will soon be ready for his rehab,you will see when it becomesTHIER problem,good luck im sorry and think of my wife when I hear a story like yours

DAB

He must lose everything before he can gain anything.
An addict is not even honest with himself.
He may have the best of intentions, but an addict will lie to himself first and then to those around him, it is a survival instinct for the addiction.

Titanic

Straight-up listening and advice, as requested.

You are doing the right thing by asking questions here, and getting educated on these boards or elsewhere. Also, you would do well to get as much experience, strength and hope on addiction especially at Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings. You are isolated, in despair, and feeling helpless, powerless. You ARE the classic newcomer case that walks in the doors of those rooms! Step 1.

OC is highly addictive and seven years is a very long time. He's in deepdoodoo.


That's what addicts do. They be sly, deny, lie, ply and try while they fry. Read the sticky at the top of this Forum, and get more about this at Nar-Anon/Al-Anon.


Nothing changes if nothing changes; that means you must, as he can't or won't. In Al-Anon, we say that along with "insanity" is doing the same things over and over while expecting different results. Step 2.


He doesn't keep his promises, but this is one you are breaking. Leave, or don't make an empty threat (a broken promise). That's what we "codie's" did. Codependent No More!


All classic "codie" behavior. SR, Nar-Anon and Al-Anon are your home away from "home." Welcome Home!

Binky2012

Hi, I saw your thread and had to at least tell you how this worked for me...I was diagnosed with Migraines 2 years ago and by prescription I was taking vicodin, then percoset, then oxy...i stopped them all cold turkey and almost died in the process but I did it with t e help of my family standing by supporting me.

The migraines never went away so then I was prescribed dilaudid, demerol, fentanyl & morphine all in suppository form when this didn't work I was in the ER at least every 1-2x a month getting those same drugs via an IV - it was an endless cycle and I was sicker than when I stopped the pills - so the story goes... I was addicted to the narcotics trying to relieve the pain in my head...

Eventually just this past June I had to find another route and so I went to a Pain clinic where I thought they would admit me and help me...they sent me home and told me to get off the junk and come back in see them, yes it was harsh but I did what they said and for 2 weeks I writhed in the darkness of my closet, puked my guts out, could never leave the toilet once it started (the detox)when all was said and done they did put me in the hospital for the migraines but only after all the junk was out my body...

They say that taking oxy, morphine, etc w/e the drug that our bodies loses its natural ability to block the pain and all of our pain receptors are gone, masked by the narcotics.

Since my time in the hospital receiving a non-narcotic drug thru an IV every 8 hours for 3 days - the migraines left my body. Back home to ward off the side effects of this non-narcotic drug "DHE...something" i felt it was the chemo for migraines, awful and for another 2 weeks I puked, sweated and could not eat.

I am 100% fully recovered, no drugs, no migraines. This was not by any means of the word easy and it took me 2 years to get where I am - clear headed and pain free. The first 21 mos were chasing pain with any and all drugs they would give me, the last 3 mos. were recovering and getting strong.

Prior to all of the above I had 2 open heart surgeries 3 mos. apart, so pain has been a part of my life but detoxing was by far thee hardest thing I have been through. Without the will, GOD and my family I don't know how I could've done it.

Until your husband decides that its time for him to get clean you don't really have much say in the matter. I am so sorry that he hasn't seen the light and wants to live life without narcotics, but like everyone will tell you he has to do it for himself, just like in the end I had to do the physical detox by myself.

The only difference between your husband and I that I can see from your post is that he isn't prescribed the meds but goes and finds them elsewhere. I never had to do that the Dr.'s all gave me the drugs until I went to "that" pain management clinic.

Sorry for the lengthy post but its hard not to tell the whole story...Maybe you should send your husb. and email with a link to this site? I just did the same for a young man of 20 who is like a son to me that snorts oxy. All the best to you, you will be in my prayers and thoughts.

Binky

EnglishGarden

My heart goes out to you. Life does become a constant struggle when our spouse is an addict.

All of my reading tells me that an addict will not stop using as long as the drug is working for him. The drug is still working for your husband.

If you leave, it is unlikely that alone will create the kind of bottom for your husband that propels an addict into recovery. The addict mind is one of rationalization and denial, and his mind will simply change its thinking to a position of blaming you for trying to "control" him, or he may resent you for any number of normal human characteristics which in a healthy relationship would never be an issue. As well, his addiction may compel him to see you as "unloving" or "unsupportive" or "betraying" or "selfish." (I might add that the addict is the one who is all these things, but his sick brain cannot absorb that fact so those qualities are placed on the person closest to him).

To have even a chance of change happening, you will have to be the one who initiates change. But you are in unfamiliar and dangerous territory--addiction in the family--and you simply must seek outside help. I can tell you absolutely that without outside help, you will not be able to initiate and sustain the kind of painful changes which will be required to offer even a hint of hope that your husband gets clean and your marriage is restored.

As expected, his drug addiction is creating financial consequences (and unfortunately he has an enabler in that regard). However, even if you can't pay out of pocket, your medical insurance will probably cover counseling if your family doctor prescribes it. If you tell your family the doctor about drug addiction in your spouse and about the ways it is affecting your mental and physical health, the doctor can refer you to a counselor who specializes in families of addiction.

If that route is unworkable, then Al-Anon is free. Find a good group--not all of them are good but some are absolutely solid. One hour a week sit and listen in a meeting. Take home the free materials on addiction. Start learning about everything you are currently doing to enable your husband's addiction. (We are all enablers by instinct, and recovery teaches us when that instinct helps the addict to his grave).

You do not have to, nor should you, expect that the addiction problem in your family is going to clear up anytime soon. Your situation actually reflects what one study revealed about spouses of alcoholics: that generally it is seven years before the wife of an alcoholic seeks outside help for the problems alcohol is creating in the marriage. And once that spouse begins a program of recovery such as Al-Anon, it is generally another two or three years before the spouse is willing to make substantial changes to the status quo.

Perhaps this pattern is accelerated when drugs are the issue, as drug addicts tend to experience problems faster and often in ways more catastrophic than alcoholics. But my point is that spouses of addicts tend to hold on for dear life for quite some time while the addict continues using. Even if the spouse is attending meetings.

But the day will come, strugglingwife, when the sky opens up and so much sh** rains down that to continue on as you have will be impossible. And on that day, having a solid knowledge of addiction and recovery will make all the difference to what comes next in your life.