onceuponadream

AH and I are talking about going out on Friday night because we were offered some childcare for the evening...of course AH has already pissed away his "spending money" for the month so it means I am paying if we do go out...I'd really rather not pay for him to get drunk and start ranting at me, which is the norm for an evening like this...I would really like to go out cause I could use a break for a few hours...but I KNOW this is enabling behavior and I don't want to pay for the evening myself when I KNOW he's going to drink...feeling like I should just call it off since he can't contribute in any way...and will most likely just make it a miserable evening for me anyway...

BlueSkies1

Seems to me that if you are paying, you have the power.

A Mexican restaurant--one of those smaller ones that doesn't have a liquor license, then a movie at the cinema.
There's no liquor available at either....

SparkleKitty

Is there any way you can take advantage of the childcare and go out with a friend instead of your AH?

Mizzuno

How about roller skating? Drink a soda and roll around to the music. That sounds like a good time to me!

onceuponadream

yes I need to figure out something where it isn't available I suppose, but I sense pouting and foot-stomping at any idea that doesn't involve "A few drinks"

Freedom1990

My thoughts exactly!

I left my abusive EXAH when my oldest daughter was 8 (not his child) and two years before my second daughter was born.

I've had 2 "serious" live-in relationships since I first got clean/sober myself. However the majority of years had me as a single parent raising two daughters by myself.

I definitely needed some time away from the kids, and I had great times with friends. We would go bowling, eat out, see a movie, a number of things. The whole point of having time away from the kids was to relax and enjoy myself.

Personally I have no desire to spend any sort of time with an active alcoholic. I've had enough of that to last me a lifetime!

Thumper

I would do this for sure!!

BlueSkies1

If he starts...tell him the warning...any pouting will result in...staying home, and you can keep your money in your wallet (er, better put it in a good hiding place--I suggest a tampon box).

Titanic

Al-Anon meetings with babysitting, and other parents in the same boat, yes!

Mizzuno

:rotfxko I like it!

JellyBelly12

I think this would be a great time to set down some boundaries... perhaps letting him know that no alcoholic consumption will be allowed while spending Alone Time with you?

I think I worded that correctly...


-jb

SoaringSpirits

Ahhh, that sounds so familar! As my AH circled further and further down the rabbit hole, I was desperate to do things with him where alcohol was not available. It didn't work. He either quietly brought some, found a way to get some, or pouted the whole time.

I'll never, ever forget going to the county fair with AH after we separated, and it was all going well until we walked past the area with the beer stands. He knew he could not drink in my presence (my boundary) and boy did he punish me by sulking the rest of the time at the fair. It was like this cloud settled down over us. No fun.

I second the vote to do something fun with your friend!

WishingWell

I would never, ever pay for my AH's alcohol. Under any circumstance.

Lots of good suggestions here -

Florence

Me either.

SoloMio

I can so identify with this.. My kids are older now so I don't need babysitters, but the situation is the same. We have the chance to go out; he doesn't have the money because he blows it; I'm dying for just a little fun on an odd evening, and after all, the "fun" was something that originally attracted to me anyway; so I'm willing to pay; however, I've learned that fun quickly becomes predictably horrible because the alcoholic behavior and attitudes; and yet, I still want to give it another shot.

I hate to say it, but it's all magical thinking. I can't tell you how many times, I've said, I'm just dying to relax a little so I'll go out with AH to a bar, and the night ends so miserably, I come home angry at him and myself. Like clockwork.

I have stopped going to bars with him. I don't give him money unless he cheats me out of it.. as in "I need gas, can I have $30?" So I give him $30 and I notice the next day his gas tank is on empty and he swears he bought $10 worth of gas.

I personally would not opt for telling him that you'll go anywhere they don't serve alcohol, because if it were my situation, my AH would make that evening so miserable I'd wish I were home doing laundry. So, either go out with him and suffer the consequences, or go out with your own friends.

wicked

Immediately I thought "the worse times is when I couldn't get away from myself."

Titanic

Your signature line is great, wicked!

WishingWell

I second that - I'd rather cut off my arm than spend an evening with a drinking alcoholic.

For me - I wouldn't pay for it, I wouldn't give him any money for anything and I certainly wouldn't go on a date (FROM HELL) with one to a bar or anywhere there's drinking. And if my husband made MY night miserable because I wouldn't be around his drinking . . . I'm kind of speechless here. All I can say is I'd leave him.

Why would anyone who's been through this set themselves up?

I have to say this from my heart, I think this is where we all just have to look at ourselves . . . with gentle love. And also honesty.

It's not a "break" to go drink with an alcoholic. It's enabling them. And even deeper - it's self harm. :-(

Cyranoak

...but that said, please, for yourself and not necessarily in this forum, make a list of why it would be a good idea. Make the list as long as you possibly can, then remove everything you know won't happen or isn't' realistic.

Now, make a list of all the reasons why it would be a bad idea. Now cross off everything you know won't happen or isn't realistic.

Now read the lists. Now read them again. Now make your decision.

Take care,

Cyranoak