JellyBelly12

Well, today I'm not doing so well. I've been pretty up and down, very rollercoaster-ey.

I had my second Al-Anon meeting after four months of not going, and I don't know, it just feels like... well I dont know. Blergh.

I guess what I'm getting at is something off-topic.

As the first in my family to graduate from college, my mom decided at the beginning of my senior year to take me on a two-week trip to Europe, where we would first stop in Barcelona, then take the train to Paris, then from Paris down to Rome, then back to Barcelona and come back. I had everything planned out, and this was going to be the very first time we'd ever done something THIS BIG together.

So I put the entire trip together. I scoured websites for five months, stalked airlines to find the most economic trip, and researched neighborhoods where hotels were situated. In all, I put together the most epic 2-week European trip on a dime, less than $3000 total for both!

All that needed to be done was, ta-da!, pay for it.

So I left this all to my ACOA mom, since she was the one that would be footing the bill but about six weeks before my graduation and two months before our departure date, I was told that this trip would not be happening.

Her reasoning?
"As a sunday school teacher, the kids are doing their first communion that sunday and I can't leave. I have to be there for them"

what the fcuk?

Anyway, I'd been putting that behind me for a while, but it's still a sore subject for me.

So two of my closest friends (who are married to each other) surprised me with the news that they are finally taking their honeymoon in Germany and asked me to house sit while they're gone. UM OF COURSE!


Since I live with her now, I ended up having to tell her that I'll be gone for about two weeks with these friends, and what pissed me off the most was that she made this stupid comment of "Oh don't worry, you'll get to go to Europe someday," and before I could stop myself, I sarcastically laughed at her and said "Yeah I'm sure."

Although that may not have been the best way to approach things, it was just so infuriating that she would even bring up something as sensitive as getting over the damned pond.

What pisses me off more is that she sent me a text later saying "God told me to go to Europe with you" and I'm like YEAH IM FCUKING SURE HE DID.

I'm so tired of broken promises. It just feels like every time we've done this dance, it always ends with me getting my hopes up, taking the time off work, and then Oh, no. Just kidding.

I'm just so angry and resentful, and this is definitely something I have not dealt with at all. All I really want to do is yell and kick and scream at her about why wasn't I as important as a demented bunch of meatloaves forced into that stupid class that were probably forced into it by their parents. I'm so angry that, two years later, she's still like "Oh we'll get there" and I'm just like Fcuk off, the last thing I want to do with you is go to Europe. You ruined the experience for me, and I would rather go alone or not at all than with you.

I'm just bitter and resentful and hate-filled and cynical and just fcuk off-angry.

tjp613

I'd be angry, too. That's a very bitter pill to swallow!!! How about writing her a letter explaining how it made you feel? Just remember: mean what you say, say what you mean, but don't say it mean.

Tuffgirl

I am so sorry...I had a Mom like that...she is bi-polar and it started when I was in high school (although we didn't know at the time what it was). Lots of grandiose plans made, none of which happened. I learned over time to simply not believe her when she would come up with this stuff. The whole "actions speak louder than words" concept.

What helped me was therapy...being able to come to terms with a disease and not let it become the person, if that makes sense. Knowing my Mom has an illness that affects her ability to think rationally. And as I have gotten older, it has helped me accept the dynamics change between us - I am by far the adult in the relationship.

Take all that research you did, put it in a folder titled "Future trip to Europe" and don't let go of your dream. Just know next time, it will be on you to make happen. And try not to take it personally - your Mom's brain doesn't work like yours. It isn't about you at all.

CanfixONLYme

My sister pulls that crap with me... Brings out her "God card" as an excuse or explanation for all the insensitive remarks, pipe dream promises and overall projection of my life and that of my ah who passed away.

Im a Christian myself but really feel there's a few screws loose with those who hide behind religion and tout (spew) random scriptures and God talk as a way to conduct their lives. It's because of these people, is why God has such a bad rap.

I would say just tell your mum the truth, but of she's anything like my sister, then nothing you will say will get through except for her to act all indignant and make your life hell (or just will "ignore" you as punishment. Ja... THAT'S being an awesome Christian eh ? *sigh* - tuff girl is right though... It's a mental illness at work here that really has nothing to do with us. It's really quite sad to see (and frustrating to live through).

Hope you do go to Europe soon... Without your mum.

Hugs!

SoaringSpirits

You have every right to be angry. What your mom pulled was really, really crappy. I'm a mom and I would never do something like that. It's betrayal!

Please don't give up on your dream. Make that trip to Europe happen somehow, go on your own or with a friend. My daughter is a senior in high school and she and a friend are saving their money like mad and plan to go for a month next summer, doing the Eurail and hostel backpacking thing. She is paying for the entire trip herself.

Maybe you can capitalize on your mom's guilt and get her to spring for your plane ticket or train pass (or both!). You can tell her that "God told me that you should pay for my ticket." LOL.

kudzujean

I feel your pain! I learned early not to get my hopes up about anything, because whatever was promised, more than likely, wasn't going to happen.

I recently had a similar letdown from a sibling. I have decided that from now on, whenever this person says she's going to do something, or something is going to happen, I am going to BELIEVE IT WHEN I SEE IT!

I too am tired of the lies and the broken promises, and it isn't always the alcoholic who does it. In my case, often it wasn't.

Sorry that happened to you, and it's perfectly understandable that you would be angry at your mother for letting you down that way.

""As a sunday school teacher, the kids are doing their first communion that sunday and I can't leave. I have to be there for them"

I think that was your mother's EXCUSE for not going. I don't know whether she just didn't want to spend the money or what, but I think that was her excuse.

My sibling frequently uses her spouse for an excuse for things she said she would do and then doesn't want to. I don't believe it for one minute.

Best to you,

Kudzujean

Hypatia

JellyBelly12, definitely don't give up on that dream! I spent the summer between my 2nd and 3rd year of college touring around Europe on my own with a 1-month Eurail pass and hostel membership, on a shoestring budget. It was one of the best summers of my life!

You'll have a lot more fun going alone or with friends. At every hostel I met up with other kids who were either going my way, or had just come from where I was planning to go next. I was never really alone and got to meet all sorts of neat people from all over the world. I'm already smiling just thinking of some of the funny things that happened that summer. Like bumping into a couple of fellow students from one of my classes completely by accident at the top of the Eiffel Tower. It really is a small world after all!

<aw, geez...now I'm humming that Disney song - It's a Small World. >

seek

Do not let her stomp on your dreams . . .I like the ideas of writing her a letter to express how hard you worked to put the trip together and what it felt like when she blew you off, basically - I also like using her tactic of telling her that God told you that to make up for her transgression, a ticket is in order . . .DO IT!

Florence

I totally LOLed at work, thanks.

My mom has pulled this kind of thing on me several times. My favorite is when she used to promise to "pay me back" for something and then deny she'd ever said anything. The worst time was when I started a new job and needed work clothes. I was dead broke but she promised to give me a couple hundred bucks to help out. I went out and spent $200 or so on a professional wardrobe, and she later denied her offer the help. I know she was lying, and she knows I knew she was lying, but I honestly think part of her was pleased to get away with it and part of her just regretted making the commitment.

The saddest part for me is that this offer/denial pattern is with me only. She doesn't do this with my sisters. A bigger example: While my parents paid for college through grad school for both of my sisters, I was left to pay for mine on my own. To the tune of $50,000 debt I'll probably never pay down. Literally.

Either way, I try not to rely on her for anything past babysitting, which she does willingly and ably. For some reason my mom's love for me was stunted. That's a reflection on her, not me.

Seren

JellyBelly12, I'm so sorry for the loss of that trip. Wow! You did put so much time and effort into it. I can only imagine how much you were looking forward to the trip, and I can only begin to imagine how hurt and angry and resentful you must have felt. I'm sorry that you did not allow yourself to talk to her about it then--to really express your pain and disappointment. You deserve that opportunity.

I do agree with kudzujean, though, that your mother used her confirmation class as an excuse. It probably had nothing to do with that, she was more likely afraid of going for whatever reason. You'll never know that reason until you talk to her. It is sad that her fears left you feeling that you were less important than people not related to her at all.

As a former 'demented meatloaf' myself, I don't really feel that statement was necessary.

dollydo

Been there with my mother, lots and lots of broken promises.

Your dream can be attained, by you.