Now What?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 8
Now What?
I've spent the better part of yesterday searching the internet trying to find an answer, then I realized, I needed to go to the people that can actually help me 
My husband quit drinking, he's been sober 2 months, we just moved halfway across the country for my new job and to be closer to his family. But now that he's quite drinking, he's quit sleeping in the bed with me and fall asleep on the couch each night, our sex life is non-existent, he hasn't touched me in 3-4 months and each time I try to be intimate he pushed me away, telling me he's tired, or he's not in the mood. He keeps telling me that he's going to get a job, but I don't think he's even looking. We have one car, and most days he doesn't get up to drive me to work, so I know he's not out looking then.
I'm trying to be patient with him, and I take time to do my own thing, go to the gym each day, etc. But when do I get my husband back, the one who loves me and used to want me. When do I get to stop being the responsible one all the time. There are days that I'm a little resentful, thinking, I wish I could just hang out at home all day and play video games and watch tv.
I've been supporting us for 2 years not and honestly, I'm tired.
He keeps telling me that I just need to give him time, that his sex drive will come back, that eventually he'll start coming to bed again. But really, I want to know when.
I know you can't give me a definite answer, but if there's anyone out there who can clue me in to what might be going on in his head I would really appreciate it. He won't talk to me other than to say "I just need to be a little selfish right now" hasn't he been selfish for the past 2 years, when do I get to be selfish?
Help.
My husband quit drinking, he's been sober 2 months, we just moved halfway across the country for my new job and to be closer to his family. But now that he's quite drinking, he's quit sleeping in the bed with me and fall asleep on the couch each night, our sex life is non-existent, he hasn't touched me in 3-4 months and each time I try to be intimate he pushed me away, telling me he's tired, or he's not in the mood. He keeps telling me that he's going to get a job, but I don't think he's even looking. We have one car, and most days he doesn't get up to drive me to work, so I know he's not out looking then.
I'm trying to be patient with him, and I take time to do my own thing, go to the gym each day, etc. But when do I get my husband back, the one who loves me and used to want me. When do I get to stop being the responsible one all the time. There are days that I'm a little resentful, thinking, I wish I could just hang out at home all day and play video games and watch tv.
I've been supporting us for 2 years not and honestly, I'm tired.
He keeps telling me that I just need to give him time, that his sex drive will come back, that eventually he'll start coming to bed again. But really, I want to know when.
I know you can't give me a definite answer, but if there's anyone out there who can clue me in to what might be going on in his head I would really appreciate it. He won't talk to me other than to say "I just need to be a little selfish right now" hasn't he been selfish for the past 2 years, when do I get to be selfish?
Help.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Oh I so wish I could say, "Give it XX amount of time and all will be just the way it was when you first met..." but I just can't and don't know of anyone who can.
There are so many factors and variables here that affect your situation -- is he getting help? Does he have a history of depression? Does he have alcoholics in his family? -- but even if you had a file full of answers to all those questions and more, I think the answer would still be, "I don't know."
He has said that he needs more time. Of course you feel you have already given more than enough time for him to be the partner you want -- who wouldn't? But 'not drinking' is not a cure that makes everything return to 'normal'. There will be a new normal for you two, and it will take time for that normal to reveal itself fully.
In the meantime, what are you doing to take care of yourself? Does your happiness lie completely in his control? Or is there anything you can do to empower yourself and move forward while he does what he says he needs to do?
Whatever your answers, keep coming back here and keep talking. I can see from your post that you are honest with yourself about what you need and want, and that is a really good place to begin (even if it doesn't always feel good).
There are so many factors and variables here that affect your situation -- is he getting help? Does he have a history of depression? Does he have alcoholics in his family? -- but even if you had a file full of answers to all those questions and more, I think the answer would still be, "I don't know."
He has said that he needs more time. Of course you feel you have already given more than enough time for him to be the partner you want -- who wouldn't? But 'not drinking' is not a cure that makes everything return to 'normal'. There will be a new normal for you two, and it will take time for that normal to reveal itself fully.
In the meantime, what are you doing to take care of yourself? Does your happiness lie completely in his control? Or is there anything you can do to empower yourself and move forward while he does what he says he needs to do?
Whatever your answers, keep coming back here and keep talking. I can see from your post that you are honest with yourself about what you need and want, and that is a really good place to begin (even if it doesn't always feel good).
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 8
I know there is no magic answer for how long recovery will take, he's not in a program and I don't think I can ever convince him to go, he talk about how he is feeling, there are days when he's irritable, and I try to give him space, I think what I'm looking for is, is it normal - for whatever normal is - for his to just stop being interested in me, I feel like we're roommates, not sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy at all. How do I spend the next, however much time, not being able to be close to my husband.
I like to think that I take care of myself, I go do things that I want to do, but I wish I could talk to him about this, I'm feeling all these things and I can't talk to my best friend about it. I know that I'm not the cause and nothing I do or don't do will keep him sober, but I'm still afraid to "rock the boat" by telling him what I want.
I don't want to resent my husband and I want to be supportive, but I really just want to jump up and down in front of him and scream "What about me!", when do my needs get met, when do you start supporting me, when do I get to come first? I always though a marriage was about two people working together, but it feels like I'm the one putting in all the work, and he just gets to "be sober". I know that sounds horrible, but I don't know how else to phrase it. I work, I cook, I make sure the care gets an oil change, I feel like I do everything and my "reward" at the end of the day is to go sleep in an empty bed. Sometimes it just doesn't seem fair.
Ok, I'll stop my pity party now... but it would be nice to be able to have one at home for myself every now and then...
I like to think that I take care of myself, I go do things that I want to do, but I wish I could talk to him about this, I'm feeling all these things and I can't talk to my best friend about it. I know that I'm not the cause and nothing I do or don't do will keep him sober, but I'm still afraid to "rock the boat" by telling him what I want.
I don't want to resent my husband and I want to be supportive, but I really just want to jump up and down in front of him and scream "What about me!", when do my needs get met, when do you start supporting me, when do I get to come first? I always though a marriage was about two people working together, but it feels like I'm the one putting in all the work, and he just gets to "be sober". I know that sounds horrible, but I don't know how else to phrase it. I work, I cook, I make sure the care gets an oil change, I feel like I do everything and my "reward" at the end of the day is to go sleep in an empty bed. Sometimes it just doesn't seem fair.
Ok, I'll stop my pity party now... but it would be nice to be able to have one at home for myself every now and then...
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Trying to guess what your H is feeling and thinking regarding intimacy is nearly impossible, but, with that in miind--often I have read on the A's forum that intimacy is one of the hardest things for them. I have seen them post repeatedly that it is downright scary to approach intimacy sober...they emotionally aren't used to such a 'real' version of intimacy. My personal opinion is that sober intimacy isn't the fun game that intoxicated intimacy was, it's about a real connection, and that's scary. With that in mind, I would suggest that if you do get a chance for intimacy, to approach it with a fun attitude, not a serious one. Let him understand the fun can continue sober. Maybe he only thinks the fun can happen while intoxicated.
Now that's he sober and trying to deal with everything that has happened while drunk, he may feel a lot of guilt, resentment, and assorted emotions that he used to drink away. Simply put, he may be down on himself and suffer from low self-esteem.
I know, it's still all about him for awhile. It makes sense that in early recovery the spouse has to continue to be patient, as exasperating as that is. They can deeply concentrate on only one goal--staying sober...and many call this "the battle of their lives"...to place emphasis on how difficult it is.
You will have to continue to feel alone a lot during early recovery. The good side to this is that from what I hear, they will begin to engage with you more often as they feel more secure in their sobriety.
Now that's he sober and trying to deal with everything that has happened while drunk, he may feel a lot of guilt, resentment, and assorted emotions that he used to drink away. Simply put, he may be down on himself and suffer from low self-esteem.
I know, it's still all about him for awhile. It makes sense that in early recovery the spouse has to continue to be patient, as exasperating as that is. They can deeply concentrate on only one goal--staying sober...and many call this "the battle of their lives"...to place emphasis on how difficult it is.
You will have to continue to feel alone a lot during early recovery. The good side to this is that from what I hear, they will begin to engage with you more often as they feel more secure in their sobriety.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
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Hm. Sounds familiar. I think the couch sleeping was a couple of things for my RAH. First, it was a habit from his single/drinking days. He passed out on the couch nightly. Second, I think it was partially the meds he was on. One of them was an anti-depressant (?) that knocked him out within minutes, but he'd do the whole, "I'm coming to bed right after this show," thing and wake up on the couch the next morning with a sore back.
I let him. It's his life, his consequences.
The sex, however. It's never come back. My RAH is almost a year sober and we have maybe had sex a dozen times in the last two years. It's extremely depressing, has been difficult on my self-esteem, and I still try not to think about it too hard or long or I feel deep sadness and grief. We used to have an excellent sex life and it's all gone up in smoke.
The whole night time ritual (or lack thereof) is one that I've learned to deal with. Basically, if I'm going to stay married to this man, I need to get used to not having any of that night time intimacy that used to be so important to me. No cuddling and talking at night, no pillow talk, very little sex, getting so used to sexual rejection that I stopped asking. We've talked about it so much and nothing has changed whatsoever for him, so I'm assuming it's up to me to get used to it or cut ties.
I'm still making up my mind whether or not I want to be married to this guy (so much love was ruined by addiction) but this will end up being one of the major deal breakers.
I let him. It's his life, his consequences.
The sex, however. It's never come back. My RAH is almost a year sober and we have maybe had sex a dozen times in the last two years. It's extremely depressing, has been difficult on my self-esteem, and I still try not to think about it too hard or long or I feel deep sadness and grief. We used to have an excellent sex life and it's all gone up in smoke.
The whole night time ritual (or lack thereof) is one that I've learned to deal with. Basically, if I'm going to stay married to this man, I need to get used to not having any of that night time intimacy that used to be so important to me. No cuddling and talking at night, no pillow talk, very little sex, getting so used to sexual rejection that I stopped asking. We've talked about it so much and nothing has changed whatsoever for him, so I'm assuming it's up to me to get used to it or cut ties.
I'm still making up my mind whether or not I want to be married to this guy (so much love was ruined by addiction) but this will end up being one of the major deal breakers.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by DesMrlnd 
I always though a marriage was about two people working together, but it feels like I'm the one putting in all the work, and he just gets to "be sober".
You might want to read a post I made back in 2010 in regards to my own recovery from alcoholism:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-symptom.html
A healthy marriage is about two people working together.
What you have is an AH who is purely abstaining. That's a world of difference from being sober. For me, sobriety is not just abstaining from drinking. It's a state of mind, and a whole new way of living.
Sending you hugs of support!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by DesMrlnd
But when do I get my husband back, the one who loves me and used to want me. When do I get to stop being the responsible one all the time.
There are days that I'm a little resentful, thinking, I wish I could just hang out at home all day and play video games and watch tv.
I've been supporting us for 2 years not and honestly, I'm tired.
He keeps telling me that I just need to give him time, that his sex drive will come back, that eventually he'll start coming to bed again. But really, I want to know when.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 183
When my husband quit, his anxiety skyrocketed for the first 6 or 8 months or so. He was struggling so much with sobriety and anxiety that the last thing he was interested in was intimacy. I was so hurt because after dealing with the alcoholism so long I thought that sobriety would equal instant bliss. Ha! In many ways life was more stressful then than during the years of drinking because I didn't know what to expect anymore.
It does get better. In our case it was when DH started to feel more confident in his recovery process.
It does get better. In our case it was when DH started to feel more confident in his recovery process.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Just started a new thread in the Relationship forum with some sharings and resources on sex and sobriety so some attention can be drawn to the subject.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3585136
There's a sticky that has more of a psych tone in that Relationship forum too.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3585136
There's a sticky that has more of a psych tone in that Relationship forum too.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 16
Intimacy is a very tricky issue. I am sober 2 1/2 years. My SBXAW went the other direction, which is why I post here. Between depression, confusion, and sorting out my life, the sex drive took a long while to return. Like, 2 years. My case was probably exacerbated by my wife's continued alcohol/xanax abuse, which turned her into a zombie (not the sexiest of creatures). But still, it does come back. There is much discussion of the issue in addiction literature. You might check out some of the Hazeldon materials. It sounds like your husband is pretty depressed, which also inhibits sex drive. And if he takes SSRIs for depression, they also inhibit sex drive. So this is likely not going to be an easy problem to diagnose or solve. You are in a tough situation, and I have a lot of sympathy, because I've experienced much of what you described - the lack of intimacy in a relationship, resentment over carrying the load, and lack of sex drive - from both sides. For the past 1 1/2 years, I desperately wanted my old wife back. But she isn't coming back and the current version is not capable of being in a relationship. And so she is now my SBXAW. But it is so painful. I hope you have a different outcome. And I hope that you are going to Al-Anon as much as you are able. The support I found there got me through this past four months.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 378
A few things. Are you sure he isn't still drinking? Which is a loaded question because really it's very difficult to ever know until the signs are there.
Addiction and then sometimes antidepressants can wreck havoc on a sex life. And especially for men because they're actually, many times. not able to have sex - physically. That causes shame and embarrassment and they can lose their confidence. It becomes a vicious circle. Our sex life took a big hit - not just because of his physical issues but then because I withdrew so much and didn't want to be that vulnerable.
Not easy.
Addiction and then sometimes antidepressants can wreck havoc on a sex life. And especially for men because they're actually, many times. not able to have sex - physically. That causes shame and embarrassment and they can lose their confidence. It becomes a vicious circle. Our sex life took a big hit - not just because of his physical issues but then because I withdrew so much and didn't want to be that vulnerable.
Not easy.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
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Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. I know there were several questions, so I'll just answer a couple really quickly. He's not taking anti-depressants, and I am very sure he is not still drinking. I'm trying to be as patient as I can, and I do need to realize that it's only been 2 months, this is a big accomplishment for someone who has been drinking steadily for 20 years. And sometimes I just need someone else to tell me that it's not me.
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