Dry Drunk
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Shasta, CA
Posts: 91
Dry Drunk
Hello and first I would like to thank you for reading and any responses.
I am a F&F and I would like to ask a question here if i could, my A is my sons father we have been together on and off for going on 6 years. He has been sober 50 days the longest, since we have been together. I suggest AA meetings but he doesnt really respond or we plan to and we just get caught up in spending time as a family ( since he is sober, the quality time is nice now). I ask him how he feels and if he wants to talk, or anything. He never says much and I end talking to myself.
He has been drinking half his life that is 15 years and prob a few years more, of all of the reading I have done about addiction and alcoholism, it says there must something inside that hurts and you need to work on it. I talk to him about this and he says there is nothing. He just drank becuase he always has....? but then he says things like "if he goes around our Niece and Nephews, he might need to drink" ( they are kinda wild ) so he can handle being around them. Hi father was alcoholic, died at 40 something and his mother...... wasnt the best role model.
I have heard of about the "Dry Drunk", and I' am wondering if he needs more then just not drinking, or if does work out this way.
Whay are some ways that worked or helped when quiting drinking? Are meetings and programs essantial? I am just loving this that he is not drinking and I am worried that just not drinking isnt enough and if he needs to work on himself.
thank you
I am a F&F and I would like to ask a question here if i could, my A is my sons father we have been together on and off for going on 6 years. He has been sober 50 days the longest, since we have been together. I suggest AA meetings but he doesnt really respond or we plan to and we just get caught up in spending time as a family ( since he is sober, the quality time is nice now). I ask him how he feels and if he wants to talk, or anything. He never says much and I end talking to myself.
He has been drinking half his life that is 15 years and prob a few years more, of all of the reading I have done about addiction and alcoholism, it says there must something inside that hurts and you need to work on it. I talk to him about this and he says there is nothing. He just drank becuase he always has....? but then he says things like "if he goes around our Niece and Nephews, he might need to drink" ( they are kinda wild ) so he can handle being around them. Hi father was alcoholic, died at 40 something and his mother...... wasnt the best role model.
I have heard of about the "Dry Drunk", and I' am wondering if he needs more then just not drinking, or if does work out this way.
Whay are some ways that worked or helped when quiting drinking? Are meetings and programs essantial? I am just loving this that he is not drinking and I am worried that just not drinking isnt enough and if he needs to work on himself.
thank you
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Join Date: Dec 2011
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Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by kmkluvr1 
What are some ways that worked or helped when quiting drinking? Are meetings and programs essantial?
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 540
Yes I've heard that term dry drunk, and I think it applied to me the past times I've tried to quit... I didn't do an internal work or grow or change as a person in any way. I just stopped drinking, and for me that was not enough. Now I'm in AA, just two weeks sober but I feel so much better about my chances of success this time.
Honestly, the first time I went I didn't exactly want to be there either, but no one was pushing me to go either (well my doctor was). Now I WANT to be there. You can go and just listen too, that is totally acceptable. Maybe that might help if he know he doesn't have to do anything but sit and listen. It might open up his eyes a bit to hear other alcoholics' stories.
Honestly, the first time I went I didn't exactly want to be there either, but no one was pushing me to go either (well my doctor was). Now I WANT to be there. You can go and just listen too, that is totally acceptable. Maybe that might help if he know he doesn't have to do anything but sit and listen. It might open up his eyes a bit to hear other alcoholics' stories.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
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I don't like the term 'dry drunk' because I don't think it expresses what is going on. And, yes, I needed so much more than stopping drinking. I needed to change myself from the inside out. I needed to reconnect spiritually and to find a purpose in my life. That's what recovery is about. 
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
It sounds like he still thinks drinking is a valid coping strategy which is a bit worrying. Maybe suggest him reading something like Allen Carr's Easyway to stop drinking or look at something like AVRT.
I don't think meetings are essential for everyone but recovered/recovering alcoholics rarely joke about needing a drink. Is he making a joke when he says this or being serious? Either way it's a bit worrying x
I don't think meetings are essential for everyone but recovered/recovering alcoholics rarely joke about needing a drink. Is he making a joke when he says this or being serious? Either way it's a bit worrying x
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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very good question and i am glad to see ya wanting to help. however, it is hard to help someone if ya havent been in their shoes. i wouldnt listen to anyone when i was drinking. when i got around people in AA, people who had been where i was and knew how my thinking was, which was astounding to me that there were actually others who had thought just like me, i was no longer alone and had people i could really relate to and who could relate to me.
whether he needs more than not drinking is up to him, but as sapling said, he has to want it.
meetings and programs arent necessarily essential, but i know that i wanted and had to have someone elses thinking. after all, it was my thinking that go me where i was when i got into AA and it wasnt gonna help me get weller.
whether he needs more than not drinking is up to him, but as sapling said, he has to want it.
meetings and programs arent necessarily essential, but i know that i wanted and had to have someone elses thinking. after all, it was my thinking that go me where i was when i got into AA and it wasnt gonna help me get weller.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Shasta, CA
Posts: 91
thank you all , i have told him that there are people there that understand what he is going through and that he can relate to. i guess one step at a time, and not drinking is the first step then hopefully AA when he is ready.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Vancouver BC Canada
Posts: 384
As others have said , its more than just stopping drinking involved.
One aspect always over looked is the whole damage drinking does to the body. The physiological changes alcohol makes can take years to recover and some never do. Many alcoholics suffer from hypoglycaemia or diabetes due to the havoc alcohol has done on the whole pancreas and insulin system.
For sure AA or a program will help with a lot of the issues on getting stopped and what happens next. What it won't do is help speed the healing of the body ( and therefore the mind as the brain is part of the body ). Few people actively drinking eat properly or absorb the actual nutrient when they do eat.
I know for me I need AA but I also need to replenish my body from the wreckage alcohol did to every cell in my body too.
One aspect always over looked is the whole damage drinking does to the body. The physiological changes alcohol makes can take years to recover and some never do. Many alcoholics suffer from hypoglycaemia or diabetes due to the havoc alcohol has done on the whole pancreas and insulin system.
For sure AA or a program will help with a lot of the issues on getting stopped and what happens next. What it won't do is help speed the healing of the body ( and therefore the mind as the brain is part of the body ). Few people actively drinking eat properly or absorb the actual nutrient when they do eat.
I know for me I need AA but I also need to replenish my body from the wreckage alcohol did to every cell in my body too.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Cleveland, OH
Posts: 1,191
My belief and what I've learned in AA is that as an alcoholic, alcohol was not my problem. My problem was the fact that when "dry" I was restless, irritable and discontent. You can also add bored, anxious, depressed and fearful to that list. The best treatment I knew of for that problem was alcohol. Take away alcohol and I'm still left with all of those problems and no way to treat it. The drinking is a symptom of alcoholism not the main problem.
That being said, take away the alcohol from an alcoholic and you just have an untreated alcoholic. Still restless, irritable, discontent etc. This is what's known as a dry drunk. We need to treat the real problem. The only solution I know is the 12 steps of AA.
I've been recovered from alcoholism for 4 years now thanks to the steps and lovin life.
Unfortunately, the program can't be forced on anyone. Maybe he would be willing to read the Big Book of AA. You can find it online. If he relates maybe he'd be interested in attending AA.
Best wishes.
That being said, take away the alcohol from an alcoholic and you just have an untreated alcoholic. Still restless, irritable, discontent etc. This is what's known as a dry drunk. We need to treat the real problem. The only solution I know is the 12 steps of AA.
I've been recovered from alcoholism for 4 years now thanks to the steps and lovin life.
Unfortunately, the program can't be forced on anyone. Maybe he would be willing to read the Big Book of AA. You can find it online. If he relates maybe he'd be interested in attending AA.
Best wishes.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
There are differing opinions on this 'dry drunk' stuff. The term is used in an AA context, where alcoholism is only a symptom of deeper underlying issues whose resolutions require a closer relationship with a Spiritual Power.
Other recovery models say that alcohol addiction is caused by long term exposure to alcohol resulting in physical, mental and emotional dependency. Just like other harmful behaviors like addictions to illicit drugs, to tobacco, self-harm and so forth, the bad effects of these behaviors stop when the behavior stops.
As with any other recovery model, AA is not required for sobriety, nor is it adequate for sobriety either. There are evidence based, group based and faith based options for assistance in quitting alcohol. For a full picture of the options available, look for more information about alcoholism, and this information from the National Institute of Health is a good place to start.
Other recovery models say that alcohol addiction is caused by long term exposure to alcohol resulting in physical, mental and emotional dependency. Just like other harmful behaviors like addictions to illicit drugs, to tobacco, self-harm and so forth, the bad effects of these behaviors stop when the behavior stops.
As with any other recovery model, AA is not required for sobriety, nor is it adequate for sobriety either. There are evidence based, group based and faith based options for assistance in quitting alcohol. For a full picture of the options available, look for more information about alcoholism, and this information from the National Institute of Health is a good place to start.
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Originally Posted by bbthumper
My belief and what I've learned in AA is that as an alcoholic, alcohol was not my problem. My problem was the fact that when "dry" I was restless, irritable and discontent. You can also add bored, anxious, depressed and fearful to that list.
Is he any of those?
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Join Date: Dec 2011
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Originally Posted by kmkluvr1
thank you all , i have told him that there are people there that understand what he is going through and that he can relate to. i guess one step at a time, and not drinking is the first step then hopefully AA when he is ready.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
When "dry" I was restless, irritable and discontent. You can also add bored, anxious, depressed and fearful to that list. The best treatment I knew of for that problem was alcohol. Take away alcohol and I'm still left with all of those problems and no way to treat it.
Lots of options are available, but they will only work if the drinking stops. Lose the booze, and life gets so much simpler. As you said, kmkluvr, quitting drinking is the first step.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Cleveland, OH
Posts: 1,191
Originally Posted by freshstart57
There are lots of people who have those feelings who don't drink and never have touched a drop in their lives. Everyone shares these feelings at some point in their lives, maybe even daily. There are ways in which non drinkers deal with these problems and they work for drinkers just fine too. Gratitude, service to others, mastery, hobbies, music, meditation, yoga, swimming, cycling, hiking, there is a big list. Sometimes a professional's help is needed, and talking with a trained therapist or a clergyman can be invaluable.
Lots of options are available, but they will only work if the drinking stops. Lose the booze, and life gets so much simpler. As you said, kmkluvr, quitting drinking is the first step.
Lots of options are available, but they will only work if the drinking stops. Lose the booze, and life gets so much simpler. As you said, kmkluvr, quitting drinking is the first step.
Outside sources never worked for me. For me, it had to be an inside job. Simply my experience.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Shasta, CA
Posts: 91
Thank you all for your advice. He says he does feel those feelings when he is not drinking, that bbthumper metioned. I understand some, but not completely...how alcohol can make you feel better. We dont have a computer at home, I just get on here at work. He was almost to his 90 mark and then drank....I give up.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 522
Originally Posted by bbthumper
My problem was the fact that when "dry" I was restless, irritable and discontent. You can also add bored, anxious, depressed and fearful to that list.
Not to hijack the thread, but, yes, you just described me to a T.
It's already been said, but maybe encourage him to look around this website.
There are all types of recovery options discussed here.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: fort wayne, IN.
Posts: 1,085
Don't drive yourself crazy worrying about how he is handling his baggage. He sounds like he is trying to change. Everyone is different about dealing with emotional problems. Some people can cry, some can't. You are right to want the best for him and he is lucky to have someone who loves him.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern Us
Posts: 1,366
I don't do AA, and find the term "dry drunk" condescending and offensive. Nothing could get better until I stopped drinking. After I was sober for a while, I could take a long hard look at my life and make changes that I saw fit. Been sober almost two years now . . . seems to work for me.
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