Summary of my thoughts
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Northern Virginia
Posts: 108
Summary of my thoughts
Hello,
I have been a quiet unregistered reader of this site on and off for over 8 months. A bit about myself. I am well-educated (multiple graduate degrees), well employed (though I have certainly made things hard for myself with functional binge drinking), and married to a great woman (2nd marriage). Overall, I have worked hard, and life has rewarded me far more than sometimes my actions have earned. More than that, while I have increasingly fallen into some pretty intense binge drinking over the past few years (due to professional stress and misgivings about my life's work), luck (God, greater power, or however you want to view it) has seen to it that I have caused no serious damage to myself or others, other than embarrassment and a lot of self loathing (with more than a pinch of self pity to boot). Never did any drugs other than alcohol, not even once--that's not a good thing, because alcohol is the worst dark master/mistress of all, I think. That was a bad monogamous relationship that I have ended for good.
I quit about 8 months ago and started going to a great therapist. I went over 7 months with only slight twinges of regrets thrown in, but nary a sip), but unfortunately in a weak moment in a 1st class airplane seat while feeling sorry for myself by being betrayed by a business partner I lapsed. That threw me into my last binge which fortunately too I recently ended and got back on the right track. Now both my wife and I are going to the therapist together to work on some very minor issues related to ourselves and each other. As I say, I am blessed with a wonderful woman who has had some anger but lots more compassion for me. I am completely sober again this month, back to my beloved cycling (30 fast miles a day) and moving on to new and exciting opportunities at my own technology consulting business. Again, life is very good, if you just stop and recognize it.
As I have read many, many posts from people just starting to withdraw and get on the right track, I am pained to my heart for many reasons. First of all, I completely understand. I too have gone through the first few days of difficult withdrawal, wanting nothing more but to continue to binge, and I too simply like the taste of nice red wine or a good dark beer when the weather turns cold. The problem is that it never stops with one. Never. And the outcome is always unpredictable--sometimes nothing more than a raucous good time, while at other times it triggers several days of increasingly prevalent drinking. Therefore, I know the struggle people are going through, especially those first few days. For those who are really facing some hard consequences, I cannot say I have had to endure that, but I can certainly empathize and thank my own guiding angel for letting me turn things around in my mind and in my actions.
What I want those people who are really struggling hard to keep in mind is that it does not have to be a struggle. As I have read some of the support messages from the longer-term sober members, what strikes me is that they are communicating a message of self-definition that can be totally free of outside influence. When we let alcohol, a substance, or other people/situations define us, we lose control of the free will to define ourselves. I think the people who have figured out long-term sobriety are telling us something about how we can write our own self definitions.
Think of it this way. We are all really living a life that results in a really long Wikipedi-like page defining ourselves. When we let "that stuff" get a hold of us, we are turning over the keyboard to a very dangerous writer who starts writing a lie about us, or at least emphasizing the flaws without emphasizing the good points. The moment we get that stuff out of us (usually within 24 - 72 hours), we regain the keyboard, and we can begin typing the real, fair, and true self-definition again. And every time we obsess about that stuff while sober, or consciously struggle with it, or let the thought of it consume us, we are letting it at least get its hands on the keyboard and start trying to pull it away. We need to move past that, is what I believe the message is from those who have maintained sobriety.
I read the older members' messages as one of self-acceptance that leads to fully reclaiming the right to write our own autobiographies again. Once that stuff is out of the body, we get to write whatever we want, and we should write good things about ourselves and contribute to others' entries in a very positive way.
Sorry for the extended metaphor, but I just wanted to address those folks who are really struggling moment by moment--that just breaks my heart. Listen to the people around here who are teaching us that it does not define us, that by giving up the struggle (not losing but just acknowledging its true form) we actually move past it. I hope I don't misrepresent those folks who have been sober for a longer time, but I think that's kind of your message to all of us, right? We get to define ourselves every moment, and we should always cherish that right and that without that stuff (whatever that stuff actually is--alcohol, drugs, or whatnot) we are in complete control. We simply need to choose to take control and not let ourselves be controlled any longer. Please correct me if I have misspoken!
This thought has propelled me into a new and better period than the last one, which as I said lasted over half a year. I no longer want to be a victim of anybody (people will do inconsiderate or bad things, but that does not mean I am their victim), and I certainly am not going to let any glass of wine or beer make me give up my keyboard with which I am writing a better entry about myself in my own self-definition Wikipedia-type page. Hopefully by saying this, I can give thanks to those who have written their support (which I silently read, acknowledged, and learned from) and pass it along to those people who are really, really at wit's end. Only you define yourself, until that moment when you take another drink or resort to some other substance or compulsion. Then you lose the gift of defining yourself.
Thanks all...
I have been a quiet unregistered reader of this site on and off for over 8 months. A bit about myself. I am well-educated (multiple graduate degrees), well employed (though I have certainly made things hard for myself with functional binge drinking), and married to a great woman (2nd marriage). Overall, I have worked hard, and life has rewarded me far more than sometimes my actions have earned. More than that, while I have increasingly fallen into some pretty intense binge drinking over the past few years (due to professional stress and misgivings about my life's work), luck (God, greater power, or however you want to view it) has seen to it that I have caused no serious damage to myself or others, other than embarrassment and a lot of self loathing (with more than a pinch of self pity to boot). Never did any drugs other than alcohol, not even once--that's not a good thing, because alcohol is the worst dark master/mistress of all, I think. That was a bad monogamous relationship that I have ended for good.
I quit about 8 months ago and started going to a great therapist. I went over 7 months with only slight twinges of regrets thrown in, but nary a sip), but unfortunately in a weak moment in a 1st class airplane seat while feeling sorry for myself by being betrayed by a business partner I lapsed. That threw me into my last binge which fortunately too I recently ended and got back on the right track. Now both my wife and I are going to the therapist together to work on some very minor issues related to ourselves and each other. As I say, I am blessed with a wonderful woman who has had some anger but lots more compassion for me. I am completely sober again this month, back to my beloved cycling (30 fast miles a day) and moving on to new and exciting opportunities at my own technology consulting business. Again, life is very good, if you just stop and recognize it.
As I have read many, many posts from people just starting to withdraw and get on the right track, I am pained to my heart for many reasons. First of all, I completely understand. I too have gone through the first few days of difficult withdrawal, wanting nothing more but to continue to binge, and I too simply like the taste of nice red wine or a good dark beer when the weather turns cold. The problem is that it never stops with one. Never. And the outcome is always unpredictable--sometimes nothing more than a raucous good time, while at other times it triggers several days of increasingly prevalent drinking. Therefore, I know the struggle people are going through, especially those first few days. For those who are really facing some hard consequences, I cannot say I have had to endure that, but I can certainly empathize and thank my own guiding angel for letting me turn things around in my mind and in my actions.
What I want those people who are really struggling hard to keep in mind is that it does not have to be a struggle. As I have read some of the support messages from the longer-term sober members, what strikes me is that they are communicating a message of self-definition that can be totally free of outside influence. When we let alcohol, a substance, or other people/situations define us, we lose control of the free will to define ourselves. I think the people who have figured out long-term sobriety are telling us something about how we can write our own self definitions.
Think of it this way. We are all really living a life that results in a really long Wikipedi-like page defining ourselves. When we let "that stuff" get a hold of us, we are turning over the keyboard to a very dangerous writer who starts writing a lie about us, or at least emphasizing the flaws without emphasizing the good points. The moment we get that stuff out of us (usually within 24 - 72 hours), we regain the keyboard, and we can begin typing the real, fair, and true self-definition again. And every time we obsess about that stuff while sober, or consciously struggle with it, or let the thought of it consume us, we are letting it at least get its hands on the keyboard and start trying to pull it away. We need to move past that, is what I believe the message is from those who have maintained sobriety.
I read the older members' messages as one of self-acceptance that leads to fully reclaiming the right to write our own autobiographies again. Once that stuff is out of the body, we get to write whatever we want, and we should write good things about ourselves and contribute to others' entries in a very positive way.
Sorry for the extended metaphor, but I just wanted to address those folks who are really struggling moment by moment--that just breaks my heart. Listen to the people around here who are teaching us that it does not define us, that by giving up the struggle (not losing but just acknowledging its true form) we actually move past it. I hope I don't misrepresent those folks who have been sober for a longer time, but I think that's kind of your message to all of us, right? We get to define ourselves every moment, and we should always cherish that right and that without that stuff (whatever that stuff actually is--alcohol, drugs, or whatnot) we are in complete control. We simply need to choose to take control and not let ourselves be controlled any longer. Please correct me if I have misspoken!
This thought has propelled me into a new and better period than the last one, which as I said lasted over half a year. I no longer want to be a victim of anybody (people will do inconsiderate or bad things, but that does not mean I am their victim), and I certainly am not going to let any glass of wine or beer make me give up my keyboard with which I am writing a better entry about myself in my own self-definition Wikipedia-type page. Hopefully by saying this, I can give thanks to those who have written their support (which I silently read, acknowledged, and learned from) and pass it along to those people who are really, really at wit's end. Only you define yourself, until that moment when you take another drink or resort to some other substance or compulsion. Then you lose the gift of defining yourself.
Thanks all...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Planet Earth (most days)
Posts: 1,596
Absolutely FANTASTIC! Thank you so much for sharing your insight, Southerner. You said it best and I think it's something we should ALL pay special attention to:
"When we let alcohol, a substance, or other people/situations define us, we lose control of the free will to define ourselves. I think the people who have figured out long-term sobriety are telling us something about how we can write our own self definitions."
"When we let alcohol, a substance, or other people/situations define us, we lose control of the free will to define ourselves. I think the people who have figured out long-term sobriety are telling us something about how we can write our own self definitions."
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 458
I'm one of those getting through moment by moment with the support of new and older members but I thank you for your view somehow I managed to take in every word you typed with your keyboard and able to make sense of it.
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