Advice for dealing with Recovering Spouse
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Advice for dealing with Recovering Spouse
I posted last week about my wife getting out of rehab (for alcoholism and bulimia) and choosing to go live with her dad for a while instead of me. Briefly, she was totally into the relationship halfway through rehab before reversing course and the communication stopped (this was a female program, so as far as I know, it has nothing to do with another man). I saw her for a few hours on Saturday while she packed some clothes and took her car to drive to Reno with her dad. She appeared healthy and was nice, but definitely seemed distant. She said she wants to work and herself and be with her dad and then see how she feels. She's going as a married woman (as opposed to single or separated) but doesn't guarantee she will come back. I just asked her to communicate with me and not shut me out. Haven't heard from her since she left.
I'm struggling with this situation. Although I worry about her sobriety up in Reno, she did appear healthy when I saw her. I just don't understand why I am now being blamed (she said she thought about our relationship and has resentment) when I was nothing but supportive throughout this whole process. I am now struggling on one income while we are about to lose the house and look into options, including filing bankruptcy. While I'm here by myself dealing with the financial and emotional stress, she's in Reno not communicating with me and presuming that I should continue to support her financially while she cannot commit to this marriage.
Anyone else have so much trouble dealing with their spouse after they went to rehab? I'm just at a loss for what I should do. I'm not bugging her because I don't want to seem controlling and I don't want to pressure her. However, there is only so much I can take at this time. I have been reading SR everyday and I will be going to an Al Anon meeting this Saturday. I am also setting up counseling for myself...so I'm taking the steps to work on myself. At the same time, I'm just trying to find out if anyone has experienced something similar and what the outcome was/is.
Thanks again for listening.
I'm struggling with this situation. Although I worry about her sobriety up in Reno, she did appear healthy when I saw her. I just don't understand why I am now being blamed (she said she thought about our relationship and has resentment) when I was nothing but supportive throughout this whole process. I am now struggling on one income while we are about to lose the house and look into options, including filing bankruptcy. While I'm here by myself dealing with the financial and emotional stress, she's in Reno not communicating with me and presuming that I should continue to support her financially while she cannot commit to this marriage.
Anyone else have so much trouble dealing with their spouse after they went to rehab? I'm just at a loss for what I should do. I'm not bugging her because I don't want to seem controlling and I don't want to pressure her. However, there is only so much I can take at this time. I have been reading SR everyday and I will be going to an Al Anon meeting this Saturday. I am also setting up counseling for myself...so I'm taking the steps to work on myself. At the same time, I'm just trying to find out if anyone has experienced something similar and what the outcome was/is.
Thanks again for listening.
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If you can find a way to focus on you, and not on her and other things you can't control, it might be a step in a more empowering direction.
I think it must be very frightening to begin the recovery process and face a lot of things about yourself you have not been able to see or understand before. It might also be embarrassing or confusing or disappointing. I can see how returning to her "normal" life with such a dramatic and/or harsh new perspective might not feel safe to her right now. How easy would it be to fall back into the same patterns/ways of thinking/behaving when the only thing that is different in your whole environment is you?
It sounds like she is asking for physical and emotional space to work on her own recovery without having to worry about someone else's expectations. Is that something you can respect, or see in a positive light? Can you look at it as an opportunity to focus on yourself without having to worry about someone else for awhile as well?
I think it must be very frightening to begin the recovery process and face a lot of things about yourself you have not been able to see or understand before. It might also be embarrassing or confusing or disappointing. I can see how returning to her "normal" life with such a dramatic and/or harsh new perspective might not feel safe to her right now. How easy would it be to fall back into the same patterns/ways of thinking/behaving when the only thing that is different in your whole environment is you?
It sounds like she is asking for physical and emotional space to work on her own recovery without having to worry about someone else's expectations. Is that something you can respect, or see in a positive light? Can you look at it as an opportunity to focus on yourself without having to worry about someone else for awhile as well?
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Focus on growing You, like SparkleKitty said.
Who knows what her "true" thinking is, least of all herself right now. She may or may not be sober, but she still has the "stinking thinking." What happens to Her is out of your hands. If she gets space, works on recovery from the disease, and eventually finds her way back to you, GREAT!
If not, that's where she's headed anyway. 
Part of OUR recovery is learning to accept what is. Accepting what we can't change, freeing up ourselves and all we have been wasting on the A, in order to change that which we can. Actually improving OUR own lives. Doing something, anything healthy that actually makes our lives better.
I think getting to an Al-Anon meeting, doing some Al-Anon reading or doing something to help someone other than her is a great next step. IMHO.
Who knows what her "true" thinking is, least of all herself right now. She may or may not be sober, but she still has the "stinking thinking." What happens to Her is out of your hands. If she gets space, works on recovery from the disease, and eventually finds her way back to you, GREAT!
If not, that's where she's headed anyway. 
Part of OUR recovery is learning to accept what is. Accepting what we can't change, freeing up ourselves and all we have been wasting on the A, in order to change that which we can. Actually improving OUR own lives. Doing something, anything healthy that actually makes our lives better.
I think getting to an Al-Anon meeting, doing some Al-Anon reading or doing something to help someone other than her is a great next step. IMHO.
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From what you wrote above, you have some pressing issues to deal with right now. I'd tackle those first, one at a time. That way, you can free up some time to focus on yourself. If you have to file BK, do it. If you can't support two households, let her know what you can support and make it so.
Resentments are par for the course in addictions. I know my ex resented the hell out of me, even after he said he did his step work. It came out sideways. I could wonder until the cows come home about the why's of that - but it is not my problem, its his. I am responsible for my own resentments, period.
Try to detach from the emotional side of this., It really isn't about you at all, even if she tries to make it about you. This is her choice, and her consequences, whatever they may be.
Resentments are par for the course in addictions. I know my ex resented the hell out of me, even after he said he did his step work. It came out sideways. I could wonder until the cows come home about the why's of that - but it is not my problem, its his. I am responsible for my own resentments, period.
Try to detach from the emotional side of this., It really isn't about you at all, even if she tries to make it about you. This is her choice, and her consequences, whatever they may be.
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I see nothing but the self-centeredness and feelings of entitlement of an unrecovering alcoholic. And I'm sorry that after all the destruction her alcoholism has already wrought in your marriage and in you, it continues to have the upper hand. That is my opinion.
To avoid being held hostage, I would come up with a plan for yourself and a timeline. For example, do you want to allow two weeks to unfold, four weeks, six weeks, etc. before taking any action regarding your marriage and her unwillingness to contribute to it in any way? How long are you willing to tolerate her dead silence, her refusal to take adult financial responsibility for HER debts (the house) and her adult self-sufficiency. How long are you willing to allow her issues to dangle you on a string? You can choose how long. But to just sit by the phone day after day wondering what she will do next so you can figure out what you do next cannot long be sustained.
You have the choice to self-direct your own life, and I would make a plan to do that. I would also get a counselor to help you break through some codependent thinking and behavior (inevitable for the spouse of an alcoholic).
You have the right to secure a legal separation. You have the right to divorce her if she refuses to deal with her half of the marriage. Alcoholics always control their spouses, which means you have been controlled for the duration of her alcoholism--however many years that has been-- and you are still being controlled by her behavior, moods, silent treatment, resentments, and selfishness.
Alcoholics are masters at creating fear and dread and feelings of helplessness in their spouses. Alcoholics love having the upper hand. They love being the only ones who matter.
I would set a timeline for how long I'd be willing to tolerate her current choices and behaviors. And if those have not changed, then I would take back control of my life and I would do it as a single person.
Yes, they clean up good. That doesn't always reflect their state of mind.
To avoid being held hostage, I would come up with a plan for yourself and a timeline. For example, do you want to allow two weeks to unfold, four weeks, six weeks, etc. before taking any action regarding your marriage and her unwillingness to contribute to it in any way? How long are you willing to tolerate her dead silence, her refusal to take adult financial responsibility for HER debts (the house) and her adult self-sufficiency. How long are you willing to allow her issues to dangle you on a string? You can choose how long. But to just sit by the phone day after day wondering what she will do next so you can figure out what you do next cannot long be sustained.
You have the choice to self-direct your own life, and I would make a plan to do that. I would also get a counselor to help you break through some codependent thinking and behavior (inevitable for the spouse of an alcoholic).
You have the right to secure a legal separation. You have the right to divorce her if she refuses to deal with her half of the marriage. Alcoholics always control their spouses, which means you have been controlled for the duration of her alcoholism--however many years that has been-- and you are still being controlled by her behavior, moods, silent treatment, resentments, and selfishness.
Alcoholics are masters at creating fear and dread and feelings of helplessness in their spouses. Alcoholics love having the upper hand. They love being the only ones who matter.
I would set a timeline for how long I'd be willing to tolerate her current choices and behaviors. And if those have not changed, then I would take back control of my life and I would do it as a single person.
Yes, they clean up good. That doesn't always reflect their state of mind.
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I'm both a recovering alcoholic (21 years) and codependent so I'll respond from the perspective of both. When someone gets sober their first priority must be their sobriety, they must put this first or loose it. And while her departure was abrupt I suggest supporting her recovery even if it doesn't include you. And, keep in mind it doesn't mean she's not returning to you. In early sobriety emotions are so volatile it feels like 24 hour/day PMS in a full moon! If she stays sober the person she is now isn't the person she'll be in a month. Keep in mind that when one person gets sober the relationship changes drastically: it may be better or worse, but the dynamics between you are different now. I recommend Al-anon, which will not only impress her that you're willing to work on yourself, it will help you in dealing with this big change. My heart goes out to you, you have an enormous amount to deal with and it's certainly unfair that she isn't helping. But this isn't a reason to give up hope!
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
I could write 25 page's to answer's your question's and 25 more to comment on all of your thought's and fear's
To save you time - Go read my history
One of the best thing's I did was, protect myself financially....
Names, joint accounts, vehicle's, life insurance, house, business, power, phone, credit card's, taxes ------ANYTHING with your/her name on it....Clean it up, Freeze it!
Rehab is not the miracle cure - That's where my head spinned out of control!
It suck's, because now - ONCE again, you have to take control and be responsible
for the huge pile of "life" staring you in the face, as she is off in nah-nah land...
Been there buddy..
Do yourself a favor - GET YOUR FINANCES IN ORDER TODAY!!!!!!!
Then tomorrow, get working on you - Get your hiney to a ALANON class!!!
Momma's Order LOL (hope that made you laugh today)
To save you time - Go read my history
One of the best thing's I did was, protect myself financially....
Names, joint accounts, vehicle's, life insurance, house, business, power, phone, credit card's, taxes ------ANYTHING with your/her name on it....Clean it up, Freeze it!
Rehab is not the miracle cure - That's where my head spinned out of control!
It suck's, because now - ONCE again, you have to take control and be responsible
for the huge pile of "life" staring you in the face, as she is off in nah-nah land...
Been there buddy..
Do yourself a favor - GET YOUR FINANCES IN ORDER TODAY!!!!!!!
Then tomorrow, get working on you - Get your hiney to a ALANON class!!!
Momma's Order
LOL (hope that made you laugh today)
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Originally Posted by EnglishGarden 
I would set a timeline for how long I'd be willing to tolerate her current choices and behaviors. And if those have not changed, then I would take back control of my life and I would do it as a single person.
Yes, they clean up good. That doesn't always reflect their state of mind.
Thank you all for the support and advice. I'm already trying to figure out a timeline for myself, and it is dependent upon her actions as well. The severe lack of communication will definitely shorten whatever timeline I end up setting. This really sucks, for all of us. To have so much love for someone to only be thrown away because of a disease, and there's nothing we can do about it. I'm looking forward to healing but dreading the process.
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
I'm both a recovering alcoholic (21 years) and codependent so I'll respond from the perspective of both. When someone gets sober their first priority must be their sobriety, they must put this first or loose it. And while her departure was abrupt I suggest supporting her recovery even if it doesn't include you. And, keep in mind it doesn't mean she's not returning to you. In early sobriety emotions are so volatile it feels like 24 hour/day PMS in a full moon! If she stays sober the person she is now isn't the person she'll be in a month. Keep in mind that when one person gets sober the relationship changes drastically: it may be better or worse, but the dynamics between you are different now. I recommend Al-anon, which will not only impress her that you're willing to work on yourself, it will help you in dealing with this big change. My heart goes out to you, you have an enormous amount to deal with and it's certainly unfair that she isn't helping. But this isn't a reason to give up hope!
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
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Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
You have the choice to self-direct your own life, and I would make a plan to do that. I would also get a counselor to help you break through some codependent thinking and behavior (inevitable for the spouse of an alcoholic).
Alcoholics always control their spouses, which means you have been controlled for the duration of her alcoholism--however many years that has been-- and you are still being controlled by her behavior, moods, silent treatment, resentments, and selfishness.
Alcoholics are masters at creating fear and dread and feelings of helplessness in their spouses. Alcoholics love having the upper hand. They love being the only ones who matter.
I would set a timeline for how long I'd be willing to tolerate her current choices and behaviors.
Alcoholics always control their spouses, which means you have been controlled for the duration of her alcoholism--however many years that has been-- and you are still being controlled by her behavior, moods, silent treatment, resentments, and selfishness.
Alcoholics are masters at creating fear and dread and feelings of helplessness in their spouses. Alcoholics love having the upper hand. They love being the only ones who matter.
I would set a timeline for how long I'd be willing to tolerate her current choices and behaviors.
Also, Al-Anon suggests waiting 6-9 months into YOUR own recovery before making any major decisions. Her program says for HER to wait between 1 and 2 years before doing that!
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
I recommend Al-anon ... it will help you in dealing with this big change.
Originally Posted by 6901
I'm already trying to figure out a timeline for myself, and it is dependent upon her actions as well.
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I don't believe your timeline is dependent on her actions at all. I believe you'd like to think that, and in a perfect world and an ideal marriage, this may be the case. But you are in the world of addictions, where nothing is ideal, or predictable, or easily planned and followed through on. NYCDoglvr stated it well - early recovery is itself a roller coaster ride for the alcoholics. Instead of trying to continue to live a life around her, how about living your own life for now, and have some faith that what is meant to be will be?
I know its hard to go from the marriage mindset to more of a single one when you are still married - it took me a long time and a bucketload of my own recovery to reach that point.
I know its hard to go from the marriage mindset to more of a single one when you are still married - it took me a long time and a bucketload of my own recovery to reach that point.
To thine own self be true.
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Hi 6901. Your story is par for the course, just another unpredictable, unreliable, selfish, self-centered alcoholic. So, you certainly are not alone. I suggest attending as many Al-Anon meetings as you can, a minimum of six before you make up your mind about Al-Anon. At least go and get the Newcomer packet and read the materials in there. Learn about Detachment, Not Reacting, and Letting Go of the Outcomes. These things will help you. Also, read what you can about the disease of alcoholism.
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What does that mean? Be very clear to yourself what your time frame and boundaries are. Take your time to figure that out, then be strong![/QUOTE]
By that I mean a timeline for how long I continue to support her financially without any communication from her. I will always support her recovery, but I'm getting from a lot of these posts that I also need to take care of myself, and that includes making sure I don't continue to allow her to ruin my finances. It's one thing if she's in contact with me and letting me know how she's doing, and maybe even asking about me. It's another if she just expects me to keep taking care of her without including me in her life. It's too soon to make these decisions, as you point out Titanic, but it's definitely something I should be considering...or am I wrong about that? I'm trying not to make any rash decisions.
By that I mean a timeline for how long I continue to support her financially without any communication from her. I will always support her recovery, but I'm getting from a lot of these posts that I also need to take care of myself, and that includes making sure I don't continue to allow her to ruin my finances. It's one thing if she's in contact with me and letting me know how she's doing, and maybe even asking about me. It's another if she just expects me to keep taking care of her without including me in her life. It's too soon to make these decisions, as you point out Titanic, but it's definitely something I should be considering...or am I wrong about that? I'm trying not to make any rash decisions.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
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My husband would of NEVER ruined our finances!!!
But - My husband that drank and my ex husband that is sober...did ruin my/our finances
Someone told me that it would happen, I never believed them....
It took my accountant, to show me the proof on paper
And now, 2 year's later - I dang near eat bean's......
Who would of ever dreamed that the person I loved..would do that
It's called, "Welcome to Reality Ms. BobbyJ your $200,000 trip of not believing is real!"
But - My husband that drank and my ex husband that is sober...did ruin my/our finances
Someone told me that it would happen, I never believed them....
It took my accountant, to show me the proof on paper
And now, 2 year's later - I dang near eat bean's......
Who would of ever dreamed that the person I loved..would do that
It's called, "Welcome to Reality Ms. BobbyJ your $200,000 trip of not believing is real!"
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It's one thing if she's in contact with me and letting me know how she's doing, and maybe even asking about me
So are you trying to say, that if she keep's in contact with you, your going to pay her way? - Or are you gonna try to "control" what she is doing and how she feel's?
Control - Cause - Cure........3 HUGE WORD'S IN RECOVERY!
Remember this: When they are actively drinking and fresh out of rehab. Their minds are not healthy. Read up on the medical journal's. - It's like handing over money to a 5 year old and telling them not to lose it or abuse it....
I always wanted to believe...Mine would of never spent the money either
So are you trying to say, that if she keep's in contact with you, your going to pay her way? - Or are you gonna try to "control" what she is doing and how she feel's?
Control - Cause - Cure........3 HUGE WORD'S IN RECOVERY!
Remember this: When they are actively drinking and fresh out of rehab. Their minds are not healthy. Read up on the medical journal's. - It's like handing over money to a 5 year old and telling them not to lose it or abuse it....
I always wanted to believe...Mine would of never spent the money either
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BobbyJ, not trying to control, just protect myself. I can't continue being the supportive husband (in the financial sense) if I'm being treated like an ex. If this is what she truly believes will help her, I want to continue to support her recovery. But I would still like to be in the loop to some extent, even if it's just a phone call every other day to let me know how she's doing and to chat. But to just expect me to pay for everything while she's not working or living with me and not knowing if she will ever come back (or if she's still taking the steps toward recovery) seems crazy.
I've already taken steps to protect myself by opening my own checking account so she can't spend everything. But, at some point, I may have to cut it all out if I think I'm just being used and come to the conclusion that there's no hope for saving our marriage. Probably getting ahead of myself considering she just got out of rehab, but I can't risk not considering all the possible consequences of her decisions and the affects they have on me.
I've already taken steps to protect myself by opening my own checking account so she can't spend everything. But, at some point, I may have to cut it all out if I think I'm just being used and come to the conclusion that there's no hope for saving our marriage. Probably getting ahead of myself considering she just got out of rehab, but I can't risk not considering all the possible consequences of her decisions and the affects they have on me.
Lord Have Mercy
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 242
Hello:
I can relate to being the financially responsible one, and the feeling of being "expected" to be supportive in every way, while AW continues on the magical mystery tour! At least she's sober, even if she lacks emphathy, maybe she will get her head screwed on straight. None of this would be any easier if she was drunk, right?
I started feeling better when I took some control. In my case AW was unfaithful, so I was finally hurt enough after 17 years to file for divorce. We ended up legally separated 9 months later and the forced "detachment" has been empowering for me. This was less than 1 year ago.
It sounds like you are giving her every chance, I have done the same. But you might want to start imagining what PLAN B looks like, i.e. "if she keeps doing X, then I will do Y", that will probably feel good to you. I think if she keeps acting distant, cold, ungrateful, unapologetic, selfish, not seeing your side, and expecting the world to revolve around her -- don't put up with it.
I hate conflict myself and my people pleasing side still tries to make her happy, but at some point if you feel like a doormat, get up off the floor.
For example, my AW is regularly drinking and living in our nice house, while I live in an apartment. This is fine for now, but if she keeps on this path, I will be moving for a final divorce in November. In the meantime, I'll go about my business. You can set flexible goals and timelines for yourself, what you think is reasonable and what is not.
Good luck...
I can relate to being the financially responsible one, and the feeling of being "expected" to be supportive in every way, while AW continues on the magical mystery tour! At least she's sober, even if she lacks emphathy, maybe she will get her head screwed on straight. None of this would be any easier if she was drunk, right?
I started feeling better when I took some control. In my case AW was unfaithful, so I was finally hurt enough after 17 years to file for divorce. We ended up legally separated 9 months later and the forced "detachment" has been empowering for me. This was less than 1 year ago.
It sounds like you are giving her every chance, I have done the same. But you might want to start imagining what PLAN B looks like, i.e. "if she keeps doing X, then I will do Y", that will probably feel good to you. I think if she keeps acting distant, cold, ungrateful, unapologetic, selfish, not seeing your side, and expecting the world to revolve around her -- don't put up with it.
I hate conflict myself and my people pleasing side still tries to make her happy, but at some point if you feel like a doormat, get up off the floor.
For example, my AW is regularly drinking and living in our nice house, while I live in an apartment. This is fine for now, but if she keeps on this path, I will be moving for a final divorce in November. In the meantime, I'll go about my business. You can set flexible goals and timelines for yourself, what you think is reasonable and what is not.
Good luck...
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