CentralOhioDad

Disclaimer: feeling down, tired, don't give a hoot about much of anything today.

I'm tired of her continuing lousy mood ever since she fond out from snooping my emails that I talked to our priest; tired of trying to be constantly positive around our son so he doesn't get mixed up in this merry-go-round; tired of her snipping at me for everything that comes out of my mouth - but then wanting me to be all "poor baby" when she says she has the sniffles; tired of doing just about everything around the house because her job is so much more stressful and harder than mine; tired that I hardly ever seem to have a moment to myself - and when I do I'm too pooped and down to enjoy it.

There are so many posts here about 'taking care of you', and 'live for yourself'.. Hell, who has time? I get up at 5:30 a.m., go to work, come home and do a few things, pick up son from daycare, we play with him, feed him, and bathe him. By the time I walk out of his room, it's usually around 8:30. That gives me about an hour to maybe catch up on some emails, go thru the mail, watch a TV show on the DVR, pay bills, and go to bed... Very little time for 'me'..

Thanks for letting me vent.

ForeverOptimist

I have these days often. I could have written this post almost word for word about myself! Sometimes it helps to vent and just know that you are not alone. For me, when I get tired I get negative and it spirals down from there. I try to recognize it now to stop going down that slippery slope into negative thoughts. I agree that it is very hard to focus on yourself when you have to take care of everything -- especially keeping your spirits up for the kids. And when you have small children it is hard to take a break and spend time with friends because the A spouse can't be trusted at home to take care of the kids. I try to start out small and do one tiny enjoyable thing in my day. Maybe it is listening to my favorite CD on the way to work. Maybe it is taking 5 more minutes in a hot shower. I find once I start doing little things that I enjoy it makes it easier to make room for other things that are good for me.

dandylion

Dear CentralOhioDad, I don't remember all the background. Can you briefly explain why you are doing all this? From just your post---it sounds like the responsibility in your family is pretty lopsided? Do you all have some kind of contract--(spoken or UNSPOKEN).

Do you think she would agree that you do more than she does?....just asking.

With my childrens father---it was just an unspoken assumption that I was completely responsible for all the home and child care--plus working a 40hr. week. He did the "man" things---look after the car/ mow lawn/take out trash/ write out the bills. It was always a huge conflict between us. Ultimately I sought divorce (many other issues, also).

dandylion

FireSprite

I absolutely understand what you're talking about. I want to point out that I, personally, never found the smallest moment for myself when I was dealing with the active side of AH's addiction. I had such a full plate & seemed to live in a continual crisis mode of sorts..... it wore me down horribly & by the time I started getting well again I was in full adrenal exhaustion. Hell, every part of my body & mind hurt or was our of balance in so many ways that it was difficult to figure out WHAT it was past exhaustion & depression. It was also part of what made me realize I literally could not go on like that. I would be finalizing my divorce now if he hadn't sought therapy on his own... once things neutralized at home I was able to find my ME time again. But it continues to be a struggle even now, I have to deliberately prioritize it.

Luckily my DD is a bit older now - she was 3/4 when this all started & unbelievably active. I also have always worked on making her understand how critical it is for mom to have her own time.... and she really gets it. I've explained that just like she needs play time & alone time & friend time, so do I & that I need to be able to be Fire & not just Mom. That when I get that time, I'm a better mom for it.

Hang in there & don't overlook the small moments.... they REALLY DO mean a lot. For example - this EFT method that I was introduced here on the board works great for me but I don't always have time for it.... so I found some mp3's, created a CD & listen to it while I commute in the mornings. It may only be 15-20 min but it also helps make that drive more tolerable & the benefits last beyond that distance.

CentralOhioDad

I have a 25-30 minute commute to work - and half the time is spent just nothing, and the other half is spent praying and asking God for his help and guidance.

And the part about the achy body -I have that too: headaches almost daily, neck, shoulder, and back tightness/pain. And most of that has come on in the past 4-6 months.. Hmmm, that coincides with my Wife's increase in drinking.. Go figure

FireSprite

Is there anyone that can help you out just by watching your little one for a couple of hours once a week?

The first half dozen times I was able to do something like that, I did nothing but catch up on missed sleep!!!!

EnglishGarden

Pretense is exhausting. Holding in rage is exhausting. Depression is exhausting. Abandonment is exhausting.

It is possible to live a very busy life with a minimum of personal time and still have a sense of purpose and tranquility. When someone is passionate about his mission in life, whatever form that takes, that passion is uplifting and energizing. Even if one hits the pillow like a rock at the end of the day.

But if a person lives with someone who is indifferent, critical, selfish, petulant, cold, unpredictable, untrustworthy, manipulative, grandiose, and about to be drunk on her butt at any given time, then he will become drained of vitality and life force. No matter how much sleep he gets nor how well he eats. Because it takes a lot of energy to suppress the overwhelming pain and fear of living with an alcoholic.

Did you get a personal counselor yet, COD?

Tuffgirl

I was upset ALL THE TIME. Finally, when I began to see if affect my job, was when I got away from it. In just a few months, people started commenting on the change in me. I knew I was suffering; I just didn't know how much until I was away from it.

I have kids too. And yet I found the time to take care of myself first and foremost. But it has to be the priority in your life. Be as selfish as you can, as selfish as the alcoholic, about your own well-being. No one else will.

choublak

That's what she gets for snooping though. I read that other thread about how she snooped through your emails and then didn't want to go to church anymore or something, well if you snoop you might find out stuff you don't want to know! LOL tell me she didn't just walk right into that mess.

Thumper

I could not have said it better!! Excellent post!

I was soooo exhausted the year before I left my xah. Unimaginably exhausted in every sense of the word. The stress related health issues were multiplying and intensifying.

When I left him I had to go through that emotional and logistical hurricane, go through a divorce process, sell a house, find and buy a new house, find emergency daycare in the old town, find a new daycare in the new town, switch schools as I moved 30 miles away, find a new office for my job in the new town, had a full time job, 3yo twins, 8yo, and a 10yo with ADHD and other LD's that I had to address in the new system. The kids were extremely needy dealing with all that upheavel. Constant noise, constant clammering for my attention, constant fighting between the older two trying to work out their own confusion and emotions. The 3yo's did not sleep well. The 8yo was full of explosive rage directed at me. One crazy assed soon to be xah trying his best to make me as miserable as possible. I did it alone. I had no local family, no friends, no sober co-parent, no help. I had a counselor and SR - thank heaven's for both.

5 months from the time I decided I wanted a separation until everything was resolved (excluding the child issues) and you know what, through all that I was less exhausted then I was when I was living with alcoholism. Honestly - I'm not kidding.

Today my oldest is 13yo and I still work full time and the noise and clammering are still there (fighting and general chaos found a normal state for a family with four boys) and I'm still busy from 6am until 10pm taking care of a house, a job, and dog, a cat, a car and a family on my own but as long as I force myself to sleep enough (my downfall) I have the mental energy to handle it and still feel good. I could never do that living with alcoholism. Alcoholism destroys the person drinking and anyone willing to stay in its path.

CentralOhioDad

That's part of my problem - I'm in a job I don't enjoy, though the boss is flexible with hours and I have decent benefits for the family. So that's a source of my personal frustration. It doesn't help that Wife tells me I'm lazy and her job is harder. (Though my job has more income and provides the benefits. Yes, her job is hard, I agree.)

I do not have a personal counselor, but am going to talk to the MC this week and ask if he wil take me on the side outside of marital counselling, or if I should seek someone else.

I find myself getting ticked off about the simplest of things that before I used to just blow-off. My fuse is short - which is not good with a 2.5 year old! With him though, I'm good at keeping it in check, alhough he knows how to push all the buttons.

CentralOhioDad

And she still has never apologized for snooping - somehow she feels it is justified because she alledges I'm not trustworthy!

But - snooping is totally trustworthy, right?? OY!

Tuffgirl

COH - my ex snooped into my emails for a long time. He even stalked me here until the mods kicked him off. No, its not trustworthy behavior. And yes, you have every right to be incensed at the violation of your personal autonomy.

And yes - her snooping (which in most states is illegal, by the way) makes her equally untrustworthy - but you know that already, so I'd just let this one go. It will be a long time, possibly never, for her to see it through your eyes.

But I feel you on the righteous indignation. My ex accused me of cheating with what he found in my email...even months after I explained very calmly and concisely that he had misunderstood. It came up again last spring, and was one of the reasons that I simply gave up. I got tired of being forced to justify myself over and over again because someone else violated my privacy and misconstrued what he saw there.

For the short fuse, I found exercise to really help with that. The entire last summer I cleared tons of decorative rock from my front yard to plant a lawn instead. Talk about a work out!

CentralOhioDad

Background: she is an AcoA - Mother is a binge Alkie; we had child 2.5 yrs ago - lots of physical issues and stress since then; she's had 3 major episodes/blackouts in the last year, plus sneaking booze; has claimed many times she needed to cut back - didn't/couldn't; last episode included hallucinations; I emailed priest and told him I was scared and needed to talk; she 'accidently' (yeah, right) snooped my email account and found what I had sent to priest - she flipped out and threatened divorce; has been cold and sometimes b*tchy to me since - even though she snooped; we started marriage counseling last week.

She stopped drinking at first, saying she wouldn't drink until after the divorce - last lasted less than two weeks. She is back to drinking, though less heavily and less frequently.

The fact that she's mad at me for me being truthful to a member of clergy for something SHE did, I just don't get.

That's my story, in a nutshell

Titanic

Hey, you're taking time for yourself this morning! Good for you!

CentralOhioDad

Today is a better day - it helps that the sun is out! She was still snippy with me last night, for what reason I do not know, and probably never will. She didn't drink last night, so that lowered the anxiety levels.

I read some of the posts on detachment that's going on right now, and I'm trying to work on that as well.

Our financial situation is also deteriorating, so that adds to the stress.

I'm trying

dandylion

Thanks, CentralOhioDad, for 'bringing me up to speed". I now do remember from reading some of your past posts!

You have so much on your plate. Sometimes we do get to the point of being over-extended and stretched wayyyy too thin. (I've been there). The strain makes us so physically and psychologically vulnerable. It gets harder and harder "Just to cope".

Don't try to go this without more support. I agree to talk to the councelor you have already seen. I would suggest that you ask his/her recommendation for someone who had extensive experience in alcoholism---if he/she doesn't.

Getting at least one consultation with an attorney about your rights--especially since there is a young child involved.

To me, this all sounds pretty standard for a situation where one spouse is in active alcoholism. You are dealing with the monster disease that resides within her brain that is calling the shots.

Your wife needs help. The compulsion to drink is very powerful. She is going to resent anything and anyone that interferes with satisfying that need to drink. I guess that means you.

Take it a day at a time and lean on those who have gone before you in dealing with this terrible disease. They have a wealth of experience and their only motivation is to help you and your family.

For me, reading the articles by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. helped me understand what goes on inside the alcoholic mind. It helped me to not take it so personally---and removed a lot of weight from my shoulders. You can find these articles on the website: Psychiatry andWellness.com.

Keep the faith. You can get through this.
dandylion

Titanic

Active alcoholics are, as stated below - The Doctor's Opinion in the AA Big Book - "restless, irritable and discontented" when they don't have a drink. They need no reason to be "snippy." They just are!

"Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks-drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery."