He claims he quit using
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: San Diego, CA
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He claims he quit using
So, my boyfriend recently relapsed. He was selling things, but was still broke. He was getting sick and vomiting, he was nodding off, and not making much sense. He was out of it and not doing well. I finally put it ALL together, and thought "oh ****, here we go again". On my end, all i felt was: "I told myself if it happens again i'm done, so done". But of course now I'm giving him another chance. Hes going to meetings, he's emailing a role model to him, who has been addicted/did the steps, and doing well. He appears to be making an effort.
But I feel like he's still using. i asked him if he was, he said no, he'll do a drug test, check is pupils, blah blah. But everything points to still using. Wtf am i supposed to do.
I feel like if I break up with him, I would be doing it for all the wrong reasons.
I know a lot of you must be in similar situations.
But I feel like he's still using. i asked him if he was, he said no, he'll do a drug test, check is pupils, blah blah. But everything points to still using. Wtf am i supposed to do.
I feel like if I break up with him, I would be doing it for all the wrong reasons.
I know a lot of you must be in similar situations.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 25
Yeah, I feel like he is taking less, and will blame it on withdrawals. Which I understand, yes it is hard. But don't make a long speech to me, while crying your eyes out that you're done, and will do everything you can to stop. And then lie to my face about it. At least be honest that its hard?
I guess its just hard for me to realize that along with being an addict, which will never go away, sober or not, he still has addict tendencies which include lying through his teeth at those closest to him.
I guess its just hard for me to realize that along with being an addict, which will never go away, sober or not, he still has addict tendencies which include lying through his teeth at those closest to him.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
What do you mean when you say breaking up with him would be for all the wrong reasons?
In my mind, drug use/abuse is a very good reason to end a relationship. Anything that makes you uncomfortable or undermines happiness, health, or trust in a relationship is a perfectly acceptable reason.
Perhaps it's time to examine what your needs and goals are, and what you expect and want in a relationship, and see whether this situation fulfills those needs. If it does, then you're in a comfortable enough place for now. If it doesn't, you can start to come up with an exit strategy. There's no need to make a decision right away if you're in a safe place. The idea is to start focusing more on your needs than on his; all the energy that you spend worrying about him can be spent figuring out what you want out of life. You deserve that effort!
Even if you stay, it's good to have a plan in place just in case things really hit the fan. Drug use is unpredictable, please take care of yourself.
I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, it hurts tremendously, but you are not alone. Welcome to SR.
In my mind, drug use/abuse is a very good reason to end a relationship. Anything that makes you uncomfortable or undermines happiness, health, or trust in a relationship is a perfectly acceptable reason.
Perhaps it's time to examine what your needs and goals are, and what you expect and want in a relationship, and see whether this situation fulfills those needs. If it does, then you're in a comfortable enough place for now. If it doesn't, you can start to come up with an exit strategy. There's no need to make a decision right away if you're in a safe place. The idea is to start focusing more on your needs than on his; all the energy that you spend worrying about him can be spent figuring out what you want out of life. You deserve that effort!
Even if you stay, it's good to have a plan in place just in case things really hit the fan. Drug use is unpredictable, please take care of yourself.
I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, it hurts tremendously, but you are not alone. Welcome to SR.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
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Addiction does not excuse manipulation, lying, cheating or stealing.
"I will not be in a relationship with a liar" is a solid boundary that protects the boundary setter. It does not seek to control the liar. He/she is free to move on and lie to others.
"I will not be in a relationship with a liar" is a solid boundary that protects the boundary setter. It does not seek to control the liar. He/she is free to move on and lie to others.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
Originally Posted by dollydo 
Even if he does get sober and works a strong recovery program for life...it will not change his personality...if he is an azzhat now, he will be one when he is sober.
If you break up with him it will be to reinforce your original boundary which was that if he uses again, it is over. Seems like a perfectly valid reason to me.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
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Your gut is telling you that he's still using. My gut is usually right. Whether he actually is or not, there is a lack of trust and you have every reason NOT to trust him.
When I think back, I was always telling myself "oh, you're just overreacting". I wasn't. I kept thinking things would get better. They didn't.
From where I sit, you have every reason to end the relationship and focus on YOU.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
When I think back, I was always telling myself "oh, you're just overreacting". I wasn't. I kept thinking things would get better. They didn't.
From where I sit, you have every reason to end the relationship and focus on YOU.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Savannah Georgia
Posts: 124
Nothing much to add that the others haven't already said.........go with your gut! Sounds like you already know the truth. Addicts are fantastic liars! Experts! Hugs to you! Really, really give this some serious thought! It's a lifelong disease.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
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Only TIME - a year to two years of solid sober recovery, from physical to emotional sobriety -(end of lying and deceit, for instance) will tell based on his ACTIONS. That's the solid message he's getting in NA/AA, if he's attending meetings and working the program. That's the message to you too.
The question is, are you willing to put in the TIME? What is his DOC, and what are the statistics on recovery from it? Are the odds and uncertain reward worth it? What are you giving up in the meantime (another relationship, peace of mind, etc)? What are you gaining if you wait (your personal recovery, etc)?
Go to a Nar-Anon or an Al-Anon meeting for a program that will reward you with your own sanity, solutions and support. Peace to you!
The question is, are you willing to put in the TIME? What is his DOC, and what are the statistics on recovery from it? Are the odds and uncertain reward worth it? What are you giving up in the meantime (another relationship, peace of mind, etc)? What are you gaining if you wait (your personal recovery, etc)?
Go to a Nar-Anon or an Al-Anon meeting for a program that will reward you with your own sanity, solutions and support. Peace to you!
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: mission viejo, ca
Posts: 134
I totally feel your pain!! My exbf who used drinking and pills to cope daily for 6 years, swore to me that he was sober. Even though he would slur his words and fall asleep in his food ha ha. My gut always told me he was using...I was always right. Even though he said, your crazy..iam not using, this is just me blah blah blah.
He is sober now ( i think ) and promising me the world and how clean he is, yet he told me the today he had 4 shots to ease the pain of me leaving him again and he through out all his pills. The only ones left are from the Dr he needs to cope (rolls eyes) POINT IS, once you loose that trust. You cant trust an addict, it took me 7 years to relize that and i still fight between my head and my heart.
He is sober now ( i think ) and promising me the world and how clean he is, yet he told me the today he had 4 shots to ease the pain of me leaving him again and he through out all his pills. The only ones left are from the Dr he needs to cope (rolls eyes) POINT IS, once you loose that trust. You cant trust an addict, it took me 7 years to relize that and i still fight between my head and my heart.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Originally Posted by Titanic
The question is, are you willing to put in the TIME? What is his DOC, and what are the statistics on recovery from it?
My H's addiction is cocaine! What are the stats of ever recovering?? I honestly think there are SO many variables that go into the 'mix' of an addicts brain (early trauma / Genetics / predisposition to addiction / personality type / weakness of mind / no self control / narcissist / selfish / no inner character / or 'genuine' reasons to become an addict - that decides the recovery 'outcome'.
I pray every day for my H's recovery.....not sure who it is up to anymore? Him, God or the Angels!
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Certain drugs are way more addictive than others. The cravings, deeper cravings, deathly cravings. Crystal meth, crack cocaine, heroin, to name a few common ones. There are new drugs hitting the street that are very addictive too.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
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As far as the DOC, I can only share my experience. Yep, I'm both a codie AND an RA. I abused alcohol...quit it with no problem. I abused opiates, a LOT, but quit those. I turned to crack and it took me into a really bad place.
I have a little over 5-1/2 years clean. I'm still dealing with consequences from when I used (financial, career-which I lost, etc.) but using is just not an option.
As far as statistics, I've known a LOT of A's and none of us have ever been asked or been a part of any statistical thing. I know I'm an A and I'm one step away from going back to where I was. I do everything in my power to make sure I don't MAKE that wrong step.
I live with a stepmom who is an A/ACOA/codie, and my dad has become Mr. Raging codie. All it does is make me remember who I used to be, and who I know longer want to be.
My stepsister is in recovery from heroin. My stepbrother used to do meth, hasn't done it in 7 years but he does drink. My uncle is on methadone after using heroin for 40+ years. My cousin died at 43 because of hepatitis he got from heroin which he was introduced to BY my other uncle, who died at 50. My XABF#3 died from the addiction we shared.
There are no guarantees when it comes to an A. We either work our recovery as if our life depends on it (it does) or we keep flirting with the devil. Me? I choose recovery, no matter what my loved ones do.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I have a little over 5-1/2 years clean. I'm still dealing with consequences from when I used (financial, career-which I lost, etc.) but using is just not an option.
As far as statistics, I've known a LOT of A's and none of us have ever been asked or been a part of any statistical thing. I know I'm an A and I'm one step away from going back to where I was. I do everything in my power to make sure I don't MAKE that wrong step.
I live with a stepmom who is an A/ACOA/codie, and my dad has become Mr. Raging codie. All it does is make me remember who I used to be, and who I know longer want to be.
My stepsister is in recovery from heroin. My stepbrother used to do meth, hasn't done it in 7 years but he does drink. My uncle is on methadone after using heroin for 40+ years. My cousin died at 43 because of hepatitis he got from heroin which he was introduced to BY my other uncle, who died at 50. My XABF#3 died from the addiction we shared.
There are no guarantees when it comes to an A. We either work our recovery as if our life depends on it (it does) or we keep flirting with the devil. Me? I choose recovery, no matter what my loved ones do.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Location: San Diego, CA
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Originally Posted by outtolunch
What then would be some of the right reasons to continue this situation?
Now that I did give him the second chance, and he blew it, there are no right reasons.
I love him, but i am done.
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