FindingErica

I came across two online conversations from last year, between AH and two different women who I was kind of aware of. One was a woman in her early 20's he would have come over and cut his hair, on nights I just happened to be working. He swore she was just a doing hair, but in the exchange he asks her to go to a local theme park with our kids and her kid, he states that he will be showing up wasted and will get her high before they go in, then will sneak to the parking lot mid visit to get high again. Don't know if this ever happened, but shows me what he was doing while I was working weekends. The second was between him and a young female masseuse who I guess came over and gave him a massage one night when I wasn't there. He kept writing and asking her to bring her "magic hands of healing.". CREEPER!! So my AH was an icky, wasted creeped hitting on hairdressers and masseuses I our home while I was at work. What other secret lies did he hide.

I'm so sick of this duplicitous garbage. He is still refusing to do the conference call to get our largest card, the only joint consumer debt between us back on track. His lame attempt to blackmail me into coming to a financial agreement with him with no legal counsel present and he wants me to sign my name to it. I said no and have begun talking to a bankrupcy attorney. My lawyer is being unhelpful in this matter so I am also shopping for a new divorce attorney. I felt bad about bankrupcy and saddling him with all the consumer debt until I found those exchanges with those women. I feel so gross having him do these creepy things in my home.

I'm so tired of lies. I'm tired of trying to sort out what is real and what is false. Is this a side effect of addiction: the lies, the creeping, the gross under belly life? Or is this the real person and addiction is just a side effect of an icky core personality?

Jody675

when my exH and i were together i found some pretty stomach churning exchanges on our computer, and i can tell you i was pretty sickened by the whole thing. Just make sure you do what is right and fair for yourself. when it comes to divorce im a big believer in being able to look in the mirror with dignity and pride that i handled myself and the situation with class, and not stooping to a level where i will one day regret my actions (even though the person may have deserved it and it felt awesome at the time). if bankrupcy is your only option then youre doing it for the right reasons. just be glad that you will soon be out of this relationship and can move forward to a much better and happier place for you and your kids.

FindingErica

Jody, I wanted to fairly pay off the debt. I have email exchanges where I am asking him to please do the conference call while they are still willing to work out a payment plan. His answer is anger that I would dare to try to be the one to solve the issue, threats that he won't cooperate unless I put myself in a position without legal counsel and him begging for a second chance. I feel out of options and will either file bankrupcy to protect myself or will put myself and my children in a financially compromised situation to pay down 4 months of back payments- which I really can't afford to do unless I want to kill myself with overtime and even then probably not. Irregardless he will blame me for his woes.

Jody675

like i said....if you feel that is the right decision for you, then its the right decision. and anyone that tells you to get rid of your lawyer for them to deal with you is obviously up to something that will put you in a worse position. why the hell can't everyone play like adults in this world? sad that drugs can destroy so much. my ex though didnt have that excuse. good luck Erica. hope you find some peace in all of this. sounds like you have been through enough.

Miller05

sorry that you are going through this. i am separated from my husband. he cheated with grandmothers in their 50s who are also cokeheads...and a stripper....the underbelly of society really.

i am an attractive woman, makes six figures, can rock a bikini, with a beautiful son and home...and he chose to cheat on me with 50 year old coke head grandmothers who have been in jail. nice.

if it wasnt so sad....it would be hilarious.

they can have his ass.

tjp613

Erica - Yeah, I am familiar with that sick feeling. Makes you want to go take a shower. The good thing in all of it is that you are still able to keep your head about you and take care of the things that need to be dealt with. I seriously doubt you'll get any kind of meaningful cooperation from him -- unless you are willing to play the game his way. He is one sick, abusive a$$hole. You're just gonna have to move forward the best you can within the legal framework available to you and keep conversations with him to a bare minimum.

There WILL be an end to this and your world WILL be brighter. Don't lose faith. I really admire your fortitude. ((((Hugs))))

dollydo

They all lead secret lives. If I knew what I know now about exabf, I would have never gotten hooked up with him...it took me almost 3 years to unravel the ball of yarn. When I did, I had him arrested in my front yard, tossed his crap put, changed my locks and moved forward with my life.

Sometimes, bankruptcy is the only practical option. The event will stay on your credit report for 7 years, however, it will stop the bleeding. The key is to learn from the experience, manage your money for you and your children, don't comingle funds with anyone, there is no reason to do so.

Whatever you do, keep legal counsel in the forefront, addicts are master manipulators, believe me, with good legal reprsentation he will eventually back down, and keep in mind that addicts have the attention span of 3 yo's...so, soon he will have moved onto something/someone else...be patient...that is how you will outwit him. It's all a game to him, he could care less about the children or anyone else.

Keep moving forward.

Lara

The million dollar question!

zoso77

My opinion? It's who he is. Others may disagree.

Let's say, hypothetically, he stops using, but he still thinks, acts and behaves the same way as he was using. He's not in recovery. That's why Step 4 is so important -- doing a fearless and searching moral inventory. And that's scary, scary stuff for some people because they have to begin the process of becoming accountable for what they do, not only to themselves, but to those who have been adversely impacted by their behavior.

Don't be surprised about anything you learn about your AXBF. It's who he is, and until he decides to seek recovery, that's who he'll be.

ZoSo

Titanic

Alcoholic - Alcohol = ic ky ... if there is no emotional sobriety too, and that comes with recovery!

story74

Uck! I ad the hardest time getting over the cheating then the drugs. Total betrayal. I will never understand how he could bold face lie to me for 7 months...he was sleeping with her evrynight, and then came home to me. He acted totally normal! Yes, the lies. And, that is just the tip! Later, before we were even divorced I found him looking for whores on a website to come back to house and "entertain" him and his coke buddy. Disgusting. Of course when confronted it was all his friend and he was disgusted! Lmao! And he still hung out with this "friend" who used his email account for this so HE wouldn't get caught. Eye roll. They admit to nothing and lie. Dollydo is right. Short attention span and they don't care about anything but the drug. They are pissed bc they can't control us like they use to. We caught on, and it pisses them off! Dealing with my addict is like dealing with a 3 year old.

Get out and move on! You will get thru this!

yogachic

Either side of that coin seems hurtful and dismissive of your life entirely. If this were my situation, I'd move on and try so hard to not look back. And if looking back to give support only, not to get too deeply involved. Make your lives separate.

I know that is a power statement, but reading what you wrote seems that isn't really another easy solution w/o you being deluded for another amount of time and losing more years of your life... which could be used for growing a cool new life for yourself, void of all of his negative actions.

Sorry you're going thru this, it sux. I wish you peace and a solid life very soon!

FindingErica

Yoga, I told him I do not want to waste anymore of my life being with him, and I obviously am not what he thought he deserved- whatever that is. He is very much like dealing with a child.

Story, I think what he wants back is control, which is why his focus always shifts to me and away from the kids. For instance he wants to take me on a date this weekend when he is here. He will be here one overnight, so would leave little time for the kids. I'm wondering how much time he will have for the kids when the divorce is final. If he will really leave all his new friends and activities to come back to this area. I think once he is done trying to get me back under his thumb, he will find another focus to obsess on and be done.

Jody675

hope you told him that he can shove his date up his date!!!! lol

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story74

My xah text. We don't talk. Try to disconnect and go no contact as much as you can. Discuss only kids, and keep it professional...easier said then done, but a good goal. It's been a year and I think I am almost ready for ignore. Its over

yogachic

Yeah. But even if he makes his focus something else or if it still on you - either way, YOU will still be focused on his issues and living that life of worry.

I could go way more into my personal experience, but I'll save it til later if you need more.

What I'd say now is to start today, get your own desires and passions in order and even on paper and then do your list day by day and NOT think of what he's up to at all. I know that is so hard when you're genuinely worried about another. But it's been my one saving lifeline time after time.

Focus on what you want each day to look like, not noting him into your day at all. If he shows up within it positively, great! If he shows up in it negatively, be kind if you want to with him but then take an immediate pass on his issues and continue your own day.

So so tough. I wish you the best.

supportforme

I'm so sorry you are going through this - it's painful - I know. My AH had an affair with a drug addict stripper that was almost 10 years older than me. I found a place to no longer allow his disrespectful and disgusting actions to have any more power over me. This is just another form of manipulation for him to have control. I had myself an eye opening moment yesterday when I realized this is what my AH was doing. Because we are no longer allowing them the power to feed their addiction by enabling them; they are trying to find other ways to manipulate us and for them to regain control. I thought I was being strong and holding my boundries; what I didn't realize is that their addictive thinking and manipulation begins to manifest in different ways when they realize that their old tactics are no longer working. Because you feel bad and are trying to show compassion for him, you are hurting yourself because you are taking away from focusing on you. I would suggest also doing research online for yourself to educate yourself on options. I have a lawyer that I'm comfortable with but I also research the laws in my state regarding divorce, custody, bankrupcy, just so I have the information I need to not only understand my options but to have the knowledge to know what questions to ask my lawyer so that I can understand the consequences for me. It seems overwhelming at first but when you begin to gain the knowledge, it is quite empowering. BTW - My AH tried bargaining with me that if I stopped with the lawyer, he would agree to anything I wanted because he couldn't see why I would want to waste my money - LOL. I told him that I view the $ I pay my lawyer as an investment to protect my future earnings, cost of living for myself and boys, college education and retirement. You can't stop the emotional pain but I you can stop the financial bleeding to rebuild a life for you and the boys. Hang in there. Hope this helped.