Fitchicky

I have been dealing with trust issues which have stemmed from my new husbands past transgressions (i didnt know he was smoking crack until our wedding night when I found a pipe).

It's been 2 weeks since we got married and I found the pipe. He promisd that he wouldn't hang with the same people and come home every night, well and he has, to my knowledge...his moods are better, he has money now...no crazy numbers on his phone all hours of the night...

THEN, I got a 400.00 cell phone bill...upon further examination, I see that he called his ex 2 days before our wedding. His ex is still using and he was with her mainly for the drug hookupm according to him. She stalked him for the first 1.5 years of our relationship. I have requested that he change his number several times. I added him to my plan last month, just before our wedding and he contacts her FIRST, so now she has the number. WTF?

I asked him why he had contacted her, he said he didnt...LIE...I said I could see it on the phone bill...he then blew up and blamed me for ruining our peaceful streak and this is all my fault, just like my confronting him about the crack pipe was meant to ruin our reationship and that was my fault too.

He, AGAIN, packed his stuff and left after breaking both of my home phones in a fit of rage...

Ive been lied to and decieved so many times that I am now paraniod, anxious and just plain stressed out. I have began to show physical symptoms of anxiety, this situation is literally making me sick. I almost obsess about what he is doing now that I know about all of the things that he has lied about.

UGH...I haven't even told many people that we were married because I dont want to have to explain why I got an anullment or divorced so quickly. Its just BAD. I could be doing so many other productive things with my time instead of fighting with him because of trust issues and obsessing about whether he currently being honest.

outtolunch

You are no match for his first love, crack. No one is. It's not personal. He does not use crack at you.

He is lying, manipulating, raging, destroying property and walking out the door in a huff, just 2 weeks into this marriage. He has shown you who he is. Believe him. Save yourself.

laurie6781

First, WELCOME to SR! You have found a really great place with lots
of folks who have either been where you are and are willing to share
their Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H).

If I were you I would check the State of Virginia laws for annulment,
as he has lied to you for some time before the wedding, and I do
believe in many states that is grounds doe annulment.

I am sure this is not what you signed up for, and now you have to
decide if this is what you want to live with. Addiction progresses
and you are only seeing the 'tip of the iceberg' right now.

Please read around this forum and the rorum for F&F of alcoholics.
You will learn a lot, some of which you will not want to believe.

Please keep posting on how you are doing as we care very much.

Remember also, that now that you have found us, we will be
walking with you in spirit, 24/7.

Love and hugs,

dollydo

You have no future with this guy, get the annulment and leave him in your dust.

BeavsDad

So are you anulling/divorcing the lying crack addict or are you gonna stick it out and fix him with your love?

Fitchicky

No Beavs Dad, although I like your existential approach, I am not co-dependent and I know that I cannot fix him and I dont intend to even attempt to do anything like that. I am not sure what I am waiting for, crazy as it sounds. It does give me great strength to talk about it and get feedback from friends who have been in the same position so I can gain strength and design a strategy for the next step.

I was raised to think that if people get themselves into messes, they will the the only ones who can get themselves completely out.

His mother is co-dependent and fullly admits it and I have NO respect for her or her role in his life, I cant become who she is.

GardenMama

Sorry to sound harsh, but if you "don't know what you are waiting for, crazy as it sounds," you are very likely codependent. If you truly aren't, get a speedy divorce & run for your life. If you are, definitely keep reading here--lots of experience in these kinds of situations!

Fitchicky

You may be right....Maybe, I cant see myself in spite of myself, but I see it as...
jumping from a plane..I know its gonna be a scary ride down so I have to make sure I have my equipment in check before I take the dive othewise the landing could be pretty hard. i.e., counseling, finding a place to live, possibly a protective order, money for an attorney...every other excuse I can think of...

Fitchicky

I never thought of myself as co-dependent before. Can an addict mold a person into co-dependency in a relationship to suit their needs?

dollydo

" I am not co-dependent."

Sorry to disagree, if you weren't you would already be gone. You are doing what we codies do, drag our feet, make excuses and keep putting our rose colored glasses on.

You are in this marriage by yourself, he obviously had lied to you before the marriage and now continues to do so, what more do you need to know, the red flags were waving in your face before the marriage and they still are.

Impurrfect

((Fitchiky)) - I molded myself into codependency with my first XABF. I wasn't raised that way, but for whatever reason, I vowed to help him and we would be happy forever after. 20+ years later, not only were things not better, *I* was turning to substances to numb the pain.

Three XABFs later (and becoming a crack addict myself), I certainly wish I had walked away and paid more attention to the codependency information I was reading (I thought MY situation was different).

To me, crack is evil. I did things I would never do when I was on it. It's a sensitive issue, but I highly recommend you get checked for STDs - lots of men who do crack get "favors" for crack and it can put you at risk.

I lived crack addiction, I found recovery, yet left the last ex as he chose to keep using. He eventually died and even though I knew our addiction inside and out, I was unable to do anything about it.

I also want to re-emphasize what ((OTL)) said - he is not using crack AT you, his brain has been rewired to where that's all he thinks of. When I would realize I was hurting somone? Smoke more crack...numb the feelings. It's a viscious cycle.

This forum was instrumental in getting me into recovery for both the crack (because I saw how much I had hurt people) and codependency. I hope you keep reading and posting.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

FindingErica

You've only been married two weeks, what were you doing before?

Yes, You can develop co-dendency from being with an addict. As you said you mother is co defendant which means you very likely could have learned behaviors. Also I'm assuming there is someone in her life who she is codependent too, if that is a parent who raised you, you were also influenced and affected in that environment. As children we pick up on more behaviors then we realize.

Fitchicky

actually , its HIS mother who is co-dependent. MY MOTHER could give 2 sh*ts about anyone but herself...sociopath, more like.

I was raised by my Dad and taught that anything i wanted I needed to get for myself.

HIS mother was single and catered to his every whim (still does) she has bailed him out of every situation and believed the most absurd things that come out of his mouth...

"He had ADHD as a kid, thats why he does crack now"...his mother....

"If I ever find you with that stuff again, youre out on your a$$"...me
....im waiting for the other shoe to drop...

Fitchicky

Finding Erica...
Before.....I found the crack pipe...?

CLUELESS!

I thought he was bi-polar because of his behavior. I thought he had a streak of bad luck because of the lack of money...I thought he was depressed because he slept all day...or he was getting sick because he ate too much, over stimulated because he started staying up all night....

I would talk to his mom about these odd behaviors and she would argue that when he gets off of work at 10 pm, he needs "wind-down time" ...till 4 am? then sleep all day and miss important things that happen throughout our lives?

I was psychoalalyzing the man and swallowing the lies which when I questioned, were reinforced by his co-dependent mother.

This is a GREAT question...What the hell WAS I doing?

FindingErica

Sorry or the misread on the mother.

I meant what were you doing with your life? Living, working, social support, finances. I isolated a lot and have been married a long time. So I had to put a lot of stuff in place. I was hoping you still have a life to go back to with little rebuilding.

Fitchicky

I actually have a degree(although I question my common sense) and a great job. I make decent money and never miss a beat at work, especially when things are rocky at home. I have children who keep me busy with activities, ect, so when we were dating, I didnt think to keep tabs on where he went or what he was doing. It was when he moved in that I noticed all of the crazy things...and the crack pipe.

breath

You seem to have YOUR act together. Welcome to SR, I've got to go with the other posts here, move on. NOW. Any energy you use in trying to fix this is a waste and needs to be channeled into your own transition. He was and is married to his addiction. Take care and blessed wishes.

Schab33

Hi I am new here too ..you mentioned you have kids ..if you do you need to get this guy out of your life now. All the advise you read here is very true...he will bring chaos into your life you won't know when it happens but one day you will find yourself arguing with him over things that make sense ..that is because they won't make sense the fact that he called his ex should be enough for you ..you see the calls on the cell phone bill seems cut and dry to me doesn't it? What is there to argue about but you will find yourself defending yourself and questioning what you know is reality because there reality become non exsistant.....I too have been there myself ..it won't get better it will get worse and to expose your children to it won't be healthy for any of you...

seek

Annulment, ASAP!

dollydo

"Before.....I found the crack pipe...?

CLUELESS!

I thought he was bi-polar because of his behavior. I thought he had a streak of bad luck because of the lack of money...I thought he was depressed because he slept all day...or he was getting sick because he ate too much, over stimulated because he started staying up all night....

I would talk to his mom about these odd behaviors and she would argue that when he gets off of work at 10 pm, he needs "wind-down time" ...till 4 am? then sleep all day and miss important things that happen throughout our lives?"

None of this behavior stopped you from marrying him? Honestly, that amazes me.

Minor children should not be raised in a home where addiction is present. The United States Department of Health and Children Services considers it a form of child abuse, it can and will remove children from homes where addiction is present.

Do the right thing for your children, get him out of your life, annulments are quick, there is nothing to divide up after 2 weeks of marriage.