Lulu39

Is it normal/common for As to go totally off the rails when you/they have left?

My AXH was on his second night out last night. It appears he has pressed the self destruct button. He made a drunken call to me wanting his mother's phone number (he doesn't even have that kind of info or even know how/where to look for it!) . I checked his phone account online to find the number and texted it to him. I also happened to see that he had made 8-10 calls to various prostitutes and brothels.

I had said to myself that even though he didn't want to leave, his upset and anger about it would only last as long as it took him to hook up with another stupid woman.

Prostitutes count as other women, right?

I feel sick.

Last time he decided to self destruct he made a noose.

I'm not contacting him. I'm disgusted that he thinks prostitutes are what's required on one's second night out. Disgusted.

Learn2Live

Might be best for you to not take his calls for awhile. I find that when someone goes off in self-destruct mode, the less I know, the better off I am. Get some normalcy back in your and kids' life. Though I do understand it is quite like watching a trainwreck and difficult not to watch.

Also, it helps me to remember that most of their behavior really has NOTHING to do with me. They have poor coping skills and it never was my job to soften the world for them to lessen their anxieties.

lillamy

Ditto L2L.
Take a step back and remember that he is a separate individual making his own choices for his life. You're not responsible for them, or for him.

Hard as it is, focus on YOU.

BlueSkies1

Yuck.
Aren't you glad that you are making healthier choices for yourself? whew! that's where your power and peace is.

pixilation

Yep, yep YES! My STBX(yes still, can't get legal assistance, can't self-file) decided to, after he got his phone turned back on last week, to harass me, and then, THEN because he "insisted" that he had seen someone else in the van with me(still not sure when, unless he saw me driving a coworker down to the gas station during lunch break)decided I no longer "deserved" the van and took it from my place of work on Friday. Leaving me to use my meager savings to buy a beater so I can actually work. Keep in mind, I left a year ago in July.

so I would say it's normal, and oh so hard to remember to concentrate on ME and not him. I am going to apply for a restraining order later today.

lillamy

Hey pixi -- a friend of mine wasn't sure what the abbreviation STBX meant. He thought it meant "sh*tbox" which made my day. Just thought I'd share that little morsel of evil chuckle material.

Tuffgirl

:rotfxko

Impurrfect

((LuLu)) - FWIW I'm both an RA and a recovering codie. Yep, it is common for an A to go off when someone changes the situations of our lives. It's also to go off when the sun is shining, it's raining, or whatever. In other words...it is NOT your fault. We A's will use ANY excuse to use/drink.

He's lost his "soft spot" and he's manipulating you, though I doubt he realizes it as such (I didn't when I was active).

I now live with an A/ACOA/codie stepmom and a codie dad. Guess what? It doesn't matter WHAT I do or say, they are going to do their own thing. I can't control it. Rather hard for this codie to accept, but it's true.

One of the greatest things I learned from SR is "let him do him, you do you" and the 3 C's - didn't cause it, can't change it, can't cure it.

Take care of you, sweetie. He's gonna do what he's gonna do.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

laurie6781

(((((Lulu)))))

ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY .......................................YES!!!!

I too am a RA. When I was still out there, anything could and did set me off.
It could be a rainy day. It could be a sunny day. It could be a broken finger
nail. It could be ANYTHING. I had a calendar that had something to celebrate
(drink) on it for all 365 days of the year. One of them I have NEVER forgotten
(the date I don't remember) but the reason ....................

The day was the date of Bluebeard's (The pirate) anniversary of
the marriage to his fourth wife. roflmao

So as said above, YOU did NOT

CAUSE this,

YOU cannot CONTROL this or him,

and

YOU cannot CURE this or him.

The 3 C'S.

Keep posting here, as we are walking with you in spirit.

Love and hugs,

dollydo

Might be time to stop checking up on him and let him go...the only person that you are hurting is you, he doesn't care...he has moved on.

I am sorry, but addicts are unpredictable at best, it is his life, his choices...sad as they may be.

choublak

Maybe he was looking for his mother at the brothels but couldn't find her there so then called you asking for her number...

Sorry, I just had to.

NYCDoglvr

I also suggest no contact for a period of time. It's so easy to get sucked into the drama of someone else's disease ... our healing lies in taking other actions. Like going to Al-anon and making a new life for ourselves. It's being in the solution, not the problem.

When alcoholics loose their enablers they can get very angry. Perhaps they'll have to be responsible for themselves which may curtail drinking.

pixilation

Oh my gosh, that is completely awesome, and I will definitely think of him just like that. Thanks!:rotfxko

Shadydeal

Yes, I think it is typical or at least that was my experience.