Tryingtoforgive

I am having a rough time today with MY life. I have started to get help as far as al anon meetings over the phone and I went to one in person on Friday night. I am wondering, is it helpful to attend an AA meeting. I would like to krow the other side of all of this. I want to know what the RH are learning. Maybe that could help me understand a little more about addiction and the recovery process.

Have any of you ever done that?

Also church, I was brought up catholic and fell out of the religion when my parents started not attending church as well back about 10 years ago. My mom still goes occasionally but it def is rare for her to go. As far as my A his parents fell out of it as well and rarely attend. I would like to get back into my faith and praying to God. The 12 steps all include God and I guess it is hard for me to grasp all of it when I haven't been religious. I believe in God but why can't I get back in it. I suggested to my A that maybe we should try a Christian church. I am wondering if trying something other than the traditional catholic mass that him and I can't get into.

My sister in law is in recovery from a variety of drugs and she went to a religious retreat last year for help. Once she got out she began attending Christian church and claims that is what saved her from her addiction. My SIL caused a lot of mental damage with her older daughters but now has them attending this church as well and it has helped their entire family. I have never seen my brother and her so happy as well as their whole entire family happy being together. They all have such wonderful relationships now.

I feel this recovery for both my A and I could be easier if we began going back to church.

An update on him. This was his second day out of detox and he was wonderful. He continues his suboxone and wasn't feeling sick. Some sweating of course but thats all. He has also been extremely hungry. Is that normal for an addict that is starting out in recovery. I am so happy he is eating but when I say he has been hungry I mean wow.. lol really hungry.

He does not have access to his truck right now. (It is in his moms name and even though he pays for it, she refuses to let him have it until he has proven himself and shown he is serious in his recovery) I am thankful she is doing that. In the mean time she and I are in turn taking him where he needs to go for his recovery needs. I drove him to an NA meeting tonight. Tomorrow I will do the same. He has plans to attend a noon meeting with a sponser he has and then he has a night meeting at a church that is for men only. The men only meeting he seems to really enjoy. Then on Tuesday that is when the intensive outpatient therapy for 6 weeks begins and he will be spending many nights at that facility.

All is well so far. Couldn't be happier that the man I used to know is back. I of course am worried and scared that things may go back but I am trying to stay positive with him. He is serious and I am glad.

Ok so on to day 3... hope it goes just as well. I don't think he will be going to work since his boss hasn't called him back today. They may still be laid off and my guess is they are since he hasn't called back yet. I will know more on that tomorrow morning. So maybe the easing into work will be just what he needs.

Thanks for listening and for your responses! I love the support

peaceandgrace

I can share my story about going to church.

Living with an addict (in my case, my AS) as a codependent was, to me, living a life completely void of spirituality.

Drug addiction is far worse than a physical addiction. It is an evil entity that sucks the heart and soul out of its host body. A drug addict becomes a shell of the spiritual being he/she used to be. There literally is no soul left.

Once I truly understood that "soul sucking side" of drug addiction, I starved for a spiritual reconnection for myself. See, I had let that piece of me die also.

Slowly, I began reading daily meditations. I read the Bible through a one year program. I made spiritual jewelry. I became more whole.

And, then I started attending a Christian church early this year. A loving, social justice, accepting of all true to the bone Christian church which hosts NA and AA meetings daily.

My newly rekindled spirituality, based in Christianity, has saved my life. Worshipping every Sunday has filled me with peace and grace. Tears flow. Wounds heal.

I have released my son to the Holy Spirit and I truly do envision him as wrapped in a love that is far greater than that I can give him right now.

So, I share my Christian faith. That faith could just as easily be Buddhism, Judaism, Muslim. I just happen to have been born steeped in Christianity and it fits me.

You sound as if you are asking the same questions I did. I hope you find the peace you deserve.

with compassion,

peaceandgrace

outtolunch

AA has open meetings and anyone can attend. You will not however learn much about the program at open meetings. Be aware that the more time you spend focused on his recovery, the less time you will have to focus on your own role in all that has happended and learning new strategies to avoid repeating the same mistakes.

A better use of your time is to attend Ananon, if you are into face to face support for recovery from codependency.Likely half the people in any of these recovery programs have not been inside a church for years and are not particularily religious.

Give him the dignity of finding his own way out of this mess, or not.

Freedom1990

I myself don't recommend AA meetings early in codependency recovery. Alcoholism/addictions leave us raw and hurt. I think it's better to get some recovery in codependency first.

As for religion, I was raised in a devout Catholic family. I turned away from the church over 30 years ago while active in my own addictions. My first AA sponsor encouraged me to become active in the church. Although I even talked to a priest who was versed in recovering alcoholics and the church, I have yet to reconcile with the Catholic religion. I may never, and I'm okay with that. I work hard to practice spirituality in my life every day. The God of my understanding today is not the God of the Catholic church's understanding.

I also know that I have to watch the stinking thinking that I know what is best for someone else. That is my ego talking, and believe me, that is a hard one for me as I have two grown daughters that I try not to give unsolicited advice to!

Sending you hugs of support.

Ann

God, as mentioned in 12-step programs is "the God of our understanding", which can mean any faith or worship practice or for those who are athiest or squirm at the thought of God in the traditional form, some use Good Orderly Direction and it works for them. Those who insist that 12-step programs are religious programs haven't spent much time in the rooms, they are spiritual programs and can be embraced by anyone.

I attended some AA open meetings at my son's invitation, and although I found them interesting, they didn't help "me" with my recovery and finding my own meetings was a much better choice

For me, I was very mad at God when I began recovery. The God I grew up with was a demanding and punishing God...but today, the God of my understanding is a loving, forgiving God who loves all His children, included those who are addicted.

Attending church helped me find my faith again and connect spiritually with God. I attend many different denominations of churches and choose more for the message than the doctrine. For me, doctrine is more political and I choose to stay out of it, but that doesn't mean I cannot worship, pray and connect with "the God of my understanding."

I think it is good you are doing these things for yourself. As to trying to direct his recovery, you may want to stand back a bit and let him choose his own way. That's just how recovery works.

I hope your peace and good days continue. The more you work on your own recovery, the more you ensure that they will...regardless of how this works out for him.

Hugs

February13

I am not a religious person and the god of my understanding is a kind of light? an energy? I do believe in prayer and that focusing good thoughts and energy towards another person is healing? Keep going to Alanon meetings and you will find yourself defining the "god of your understanding" I think.

As far as going to AA meetings why not? if you have the time and energy.
There is an AA meeting after my Alanon meeting and I went to 2 out of curiosity (and they got babysitting which gives me a break).
Honestly the AA meetings left me a little angry. One topic brought a lot of sharing about lying/being dishonest and feeling angry at the codependent(s) in their life.
My reaction was "how could my A be angry at me when he is putting me through this?"
I'd say if you have to pick go to Alanon but their is no harm in going to AA too.

Kindeyes

I felt very disconnected from God and my own spirituality for a long time. I reconnected through the 12 steps (a step study group). My spirituality is very comfortable for me now and I grow in it daily. I do not attend a church but may choose to do so someday. I think we move within/toward our own relationship with the God of our understanding in whatever way we feel most comfortable. Church is not necessarily a comfortable place for me at this time.

As far as attending open AA or NA meetings. I haven't done that...yet. I may someday but I haven't felt compelled to do so. I DID download the Text of NA off the Internet and read it. I learned more from that text than I would have going to a meeting. And it brought me great peace. The one thing that I really learned is that an addict is going to get the support and guidance he needs from other addicts recovering from their addiction.....NOT from me! That text really helped me let go of my son's recovery and his addiction.

gentle hugs
ke

laurie6781

As has been already said:

And like Freedom I walked away from the Catholic Church. I was 14 years old, I walked into Father Paul's office and told him very descriptively exactly where he could put the 'Man Made Laws' he was foisting off on the Parishioners as 'God Made Laws.' By the time I got home he had called my father, and Dad, Bless his soul told Father Paul that I was 14 and old enough to make up my own mind.

I have not been inside a Catholic Church since then nor had anything to do with the Catholic Faith since then and I am 67 now. Yes, I have missed out on some weddings and some funerals but have always met up with the folks at the reception or the cemetery.

Oh and btw, like some others on here I am a Double Winner!

I was nine months sober when I went to a one day Spirituality Retreat, led by a recovered Alcoholic by the name of Father Frank. Now I adored Father Frank as a person not a priest and did marvel how he could stay a priest with what The Church had done to him to 'try' and get him sober. I sat with him at the lunch break. I talked with about my 'distaste' of the CC.

He told me to just forget what the Nuns tried to teach and how they taught. Instead I was to go to my meetings, sit quietly for a bit and look around the room. Then to remind myself that I was looking at a room full of MIRACLES. That the room was filled with people that 'the professionals' had no hope for. Now that made sense to me.

I did use Good Orderly Direction in my first years in recovery. If you look at my signature you will see how long I have been sober and how long I have been active on working on my recovery.

I also did a lot and I do mean a LOT of reading about different religions and different philosophy's in different Churches of the 'Christian faith. I found Emmit Fox and read ALL his books. He helped me tremendously.

I continued with my recovery and at 3 years sober my AA sponsor got real adamant about me starting Al Anon and getting an Al Anon Sponsor that was a double winner. Being a real good 'codie' back then and wanting to please my sponser I did what she said.

Now by the time I started Al Anon I had 'worked' the 12 Steps and was 'learning' how to 'live' them in my daily life. I am so so grateful that I started Al Anon! They had a different 'perception' of the 12 Steps, a perception that HELPED me so much and taught me how to apply those 12 Steps in 'all my affairs.' AA said I was to do that but I could never get an answer as to 'HOW" I was supposed to do that. Al Anon taught me HOW!!!

i KEPT SEARCHING FOR A "God Of My Understanding." I certainly was not finding him/her in Organized Religion. My next step was to start looking into the part of my heritage that was the "Family's Deep Dark Hidden Secret." You see my one grandmother, my mother's mom was a Full Blooded Lakota Indian.

Now living here in the Southwest there were not any Lakota's here when I started this particular journey, but there were plenty of Navajo's and Hopi Indians. I went out to the Navajo Reservation and asked as politely as I could if I might speak with one of the Elders about a very personal problem. There was no hesitation and I was taken to see a very Wonderful man.

As he educated me first in Native American beliefs that are very very similar in ALL the tribes, and then he started teaching me how to practice these beliefs. I was very graciously invited by several Elders to first go to Windowrock AZ to the 'Pow WoWs' there and eventually up to Albuquerque to the BIG Pow Wow there. It was there that I finally got to meet for the first time some of my Lakota brethren. After further years of research, I found out that 2 of the folks I met at that first ABQ Pow Wow I was related to and they were like 2nd or 3rd cousins, lol

I have continued to practice my Native American teachings since. What struck me so clearly is that the NA belief system is a very simple system with no additions or corrections added in the hundreds and hundreds of years it has been in existence. In other words, no manmade laws, just the practices and beliefs as that given down by the Great Spirit so long ago. And the really unique thing I found after much research and having the 'Story Skins' translated for me, 'skins' that were painted hundreds and hundreds of years ago, long before the Red Man ever met the White man,with pictures, many of the 'story's in the Native American culture are very 'similar' to story's from the Bible, mostly 'Old Testament'.

I try to this day to go out to the reservation at least once a week, but sometimes my health just won't let me. I do take my dogs with, because on the reservation they are allowed to Run Free.

Before you get yourself in a 'tither' about going back to church, please understand that spirituality is NOT religion. Spirituality is HOW WE LIVE OUR LIVES.

For me, I have been able to 'compress the 'how' down to a little phrase I have on an Index card that I carry with me:

"Just for today, to the BEST of my ability, I will be thoughtful, kind, and considerate to ALL who cross my path, and I will treat ALL who cross my path the way I would like to be treated."

Now I will admit that being 'human' lol I am not perfect, but this is what I do DAILY. I figured out a few years after I had put that on an Index card that with that phrase, I had covered the 12 Steps, the 10 Commandments, and the Golden Rule.

Now I have to also say that I have been living my life this way for almost 20 years now and IT WORKS FOR ME! The amount of 'good karma' that I have received is absolutely awesome! I have had life so far that I could never even have dreamed of having! And it is a life that I spent 24 years of wasting it with booze. I have truly been blessed all these years of my recovery. My full story of how I got to recovery can be found on page 3 of the 'Story Forum.' That too was quite the enlightenment for this alkie!

Sending healing thoughts and prayers that you too may find a way of life that keeps peaceful and serene!

Love and hugs,

kmangel

I have an idea for you in regards to your faith. Have you heard of The Alpha Course? It is designed for people new to Christianity and for those not sure of their faith. It is a wonderful overview of what Christianity is, the essentials of the faith. When I was a new Christian, I took the course and later helped out with the course. You might even suggest your parents attending with you if they have fallen away from attending church. The program starts with a meal, then a video talk, followed by a small group question and answer segment. I really enjoyed the program. You can look on line to see if there is a course in your neighborhood. They tend to run fall and spring, so there may be one starting up right now. The website is: Alpha USA : Alpha USA

NYCDoglvr

I'm both a recovering alcoholic (21 years of active participation in AA) and co-dependent. I suggest putting more energy into Al-anon, getting a sponsor and doing the Steps. I know a great deal about alcoholism but it won't keep me sober if I don't take the actions of working a solid program and going to meetings. I also know a lot about codependency, which, in itself, won't keep me from a disastrous relationship. It's only taking the right actions that help me maintain a healthy life.

PrayingMama

Dear Tryingtoforgive,

I am the mother of a 21-year-old RAS (heroin/opiates) and I attended open NA meetings partly because there is no Naranon in my area (closest is three hours away), and partly because I wanted to see and hear addicts in recovery. I wanted to learn from them, I wanted to see for myself that there was hope, that people really did enter and stay in recovery. It was such an amazing experience for me that a friend of mine started attending NA meetings with me and she was blown away by the people there. We never said a word other than introducing ourselves, but listened and learned.

I also started going to Alanon and Families Anonymous meetings, which are wonderful, nourishing and supportive. Can't recommend them enough.

As far as spirituality, I was raised in the Episcopal church and am active in my parish, as is my husband, mother and all of my sons (yes, even my oldest who finds great healing there). The God of my understanding, and the God my faith community loves and tries its best to serve, loves His/Her children with such fervor and passion we can not imagine it. The God we know aches when we ache, rejoices with us, weeps with us, longs to spend time with us, accepts us wherever we are on our journey. I know this is a far cry from the God that many people were introduced to as children, but it is the God I know and love.

This is not a "Santa Claus" god, or a tyrant god--those are childish concepts and very damaging if never examined and moved beyond. Everyone has a "spiritual life," whether they belong to a traditional faith community or not. Nourishing our spirits takes many forms--reading, meditating, reveling in the joy of beloved friends and family, enjoying beauty, praying (which can be talking, crying, laughing, thanking or yelling), and just being still and silent.

I hope you do find ways to nourish your spirit now and always.

Blessings to you and yours.

P.S. My son's appetite is robust, so that didn't really change for him. But as a friend of mine has said, "A hungry animal is a healthy animal." Not always true, but I still like the saying