FenwayFaithful

My EXABF has been transferred to a different jail after court. He got a two-year sentence for violating his probation. His most recent crime was robbing someone the street. They cannot find the guy who charged him with the crime. He gave them a fake address and phone number; they got in contact with his son who is estranged from him. So if they can’t find him, then the case will be dropped. He has already served some time and he claims he could be out as early as 9 months from now.
I was sort of banking on him being in for several years. I feel pretty stupid for feeling a sense of…joy? That he will be out so soon (assuming they don’t charge him with the other crime)…I don’t know. I really miss him. It’s stupid but it’s true.
I’ve been trying to focus on other things in my life but I can’t seem to fill that void. I don’t feel quite as sad anymore just kind of numb and empty. I don’t go anywhere. I don’t do anything. Some days I can drag myself out of bed to do things, other days I can’t. School hasn’t gotten into full swing yet and I’m already behind. I missed class last week with a hang over (which was the first and last time I've drank in about 2 weeks)
I don’t really feel like doing anything to be honest. All I really do is lay around all day and watch TV. Try to escape into a different reality. We haven’t been able to talk on the phone, which I guess is good, but honestly I don’t really care either way. Or IDK maybe I do but I just feel pretty numb to everything.
I’ve tried going out, being around other people but it just makes me feel more alonw, which is ironic but…it is what it is. It seems every connection I make with someone else makes me want to be with him more, which I really don’t understand.
I don’t feel like I’m getting any worse. Dealing with the pain has gotten easier. In fact it doesn’t really hurt anymore. I miss him, miss how things used to be but it doesn’t really hurt. Emptiness and pain aren’t really the same things.
I guess I just mostly feel numb. Maybe it’s just my psyche’s way of proecting me I don’t know. I just know I don’t have any motivation to do anything. That I don’t think Graduate School is really where I want to be but that I have absolutely no idea what I want, how to feel better or what makes me happy. I’ve spent so long doing what expected of me or what others want that I have no idea what to do for myself.
It's just really scary to think that I have no idea what I want or where I want to go. When I was with him I could focus on his problem and addictions and not the emptiness in my own life. Now I'm not really sure what to do or where to find the motivation to turn my life around and focus on my own recovery.

SundaysChild

Learning how to "sit with the discomfort" is one of the first steps in recovery. Have you thought about attending an AlAnon meeting? It would be a good place to meet others who have gone through what you are experiencing and come out the other side, living full happy lives. When I'm feeling like you are now I call one of my AlAnon friends and chat for a while. It helps to break the isolation.

Here's the Massachusetts meeting link

Al-Anon Family Groups of Massachusetts

FenwayFaithful

I did go to a couple meetings but I was to shy to say anything and was surprised when no one gave me any sort of newcomers material or approached me before or after the meetings as it's the experience I've had in AA. I am really really shy and not one to speak out at meetings. I mostly just observe. It helps to an extent. But to be honest there are a lot of days all I want to do is lie in bed and not even go to meetings. It's really bad. Finding the motivation to get dressed and shower can be difficult sometimes. But I know I just need to commit to going to meetings as much as possible. They are very limited where I currently am but something is better then nothing at all.

Fandy

so after all is said and done, you are sitting around waiting for this guy to come back into your life? How SAD. You are paying to hear about his jail sentance and talking to him on the phone?

what happened to you finding some help for your depression and drinking through school?

you have not moved forward, do you want to?

Katiekate

Fenway, please keep posting, you need support, from us and in the alcoholic forum as well.

Maybe I'm being too forward in my response, but honestly, you are scaring me and we care about you.

If this is out of line, moderators please remove.
Katie

dollydo

If ones life totally circulates around another....there is a problem. You are waaay to young to be wasting your mental process on a career crimminal/addict.

If you want to isolate yourself and not forge ahead in your life...that is your choice...a choice that may bite you in the butt for a very long time.

We women can function fine without a man, we can move ahead, enjoy life and reach out to others....if we decide to live in a fantasy world, a what if world...we will never get healthy...we become our own worst enemies..

FenwayFaithful

Fandy (and many others)- I know I seem like this weak helpless pathetic clueless girl, but I'm really not. Well, perhaps I am the former three. But I am not clueless. The worst part of all of this is I *KNOW* what I'm doing is wrong and self destructive I just don't know how to stop it.

I'm seeing a therapist once a week but it isn't helping much. I don't really think she and I are connecting much but it's whose my school provided me with.

And as for what I want, I couldn't tell you.

He was just my go to person for so many things while we were together and now I'm not sure who or what to turn to.

I talked to him tonight about a half hour after posting this. He admitted to his crimes tonight. Although I already knew he was guilty a part of me was still lyin to myself.

He got upset and pissed with me when I got mad at him. He always says he understands why I'm upset but always seems pissed off that I am.


I just feel very stuck. I know that we're over. I know that. And we are. Despite how it may sounds I WONT get back with him when he gets out. The problem is I just don't know how to make no having him not hurt as much as it does. I really don't get it. I know deep down I can do better than someone who hurts me and lies to me all the time but at the same time it seems all I want are men who are bad for me.

I know we all want to focus on the bad times we had with our addicts since it so far exceeds the good but we did have good times even when he was using that's what I'm having such a hard time letting go of. He keeps insisting I remember who he was and who he is when he isn't using. Keeps telling me he's an addict but addicts aren't bad people, they're just sick people and he's sick but that deep down he and I know he's good. But truth is I don't know what he is.

FenwayFaithful

Wanted to add this to an edit but I've waited to long...

The truth is I just feel so alone. And when I was with him, I didn't. It's that simple. He may be a lying, cheating, and at times abusive addict but when we were together in person he was different. I felt like everything else faded away. And now that I don't have that I'm not quite sure how to handle things.

I just feel extremely lonely. And yes I've gone to Al Anon a few times and therapy but that doesn't make me feel any less disconnected from other people/alone, I don't know what it was about my EXABF but even when we were just friends he was always the person I could tell anything to, I never felt like I had to be anything I wasn't around him.

Being with him was an escape from everything else. And now I have no escape that matches how I felt when I was with him. It's like despite knowing what he was deep down and what he did I still felt good when I was with him and only when I was with him.

Now I just feel bad all the time. And I don't know where or what to turn to.

I'm so angry at him for doing what he did. And I'm so angry at myself for wanting to believe he was better. And even angrier at myself for continuing to talk to him. Truth is he kept some many bad things at bay and now they are all washing over me and I'm not quiet sure what to do or where to turn.

I can't say any of this stuff outloud even to my therapist or at meetings. It's just so much easier to type it all out but as some have pointed out I probably need face to face support.

cangel2

Fenway......I am sorry you are feeling so lost and alone. It is understandable to feel like that when a relationship ends but it becomes a problem when it goes on a little too long.

Maybe you could check into one-on-one counseling with your health center on campus. It might help you to work through some of these things with a therapist face to face. Someone to talk to you can trust at the very least!

Fandy

There's nothing i can say that will take away your pain. But i just wanted you to know that my experiences were similar( a long time ago). And i wish someone had kicked my buttisimo back to reality instead of letting me waste precious time thinking and dwelling on someone not worth my time.
Change your phone number and quit the conversations, its not helping YOU, hes manipulating and sucking the life out of you. Youre a beautiful smart young woman! You can be anything you want.

FindingErica

Fenway, I agree with Fandy. Yes, you are hurting, it is called grieving. You are grieving the end of the relationship. Acknowledge your feelings are just that, feelings. Then start doing something proactive to move forward in your life. Take your feelings out and start making decisions that are best for your future. You know that this relationship with him is not, so what should be done with a damaging relationship? End it completely. Talking to him on the phone is like playing with matches while sitting next to a gas can. Your emotions will eventually follow suit with your actions. Of course it isn't easy, that is why you came here.

February13

I hope you give Alanon another try.
Try a few meetings (different locations) if you have to.
The ones I go to are at a women centre (only women) and it's great.
Nobody talked to me much at first but now I know most people and talk to a lot of them.
I did get kicked out of a different meeting before finding that one. Some woman was upset that my daughter was with me even though she was not crying or making any sound. (They interrupted the meeting to vote a no baby/child rule).
I suggest you buy the book and read it.
I am fairly new to Alanon (8 months) and with a toddler I feel like I am a very slow learner (most of the time the book stays in the car or I can't find it when it's time to go to the next meeting) but I feel a lot better and I am slowly learning about my character defects and how to improve my life/heal myself.
Don't worry about not sharing at the meeting. It's fine.
I am sorry nobody offered you a newcomer package. I think it depends a lot on the group. Like being so new I hardly notice the newcomers.

Faithlove

Fenway,
I'm glad to see you checking in but wish you weren't so down. I had to go through a few therapists before finding one that I could connect with. I've been seeing her for almost a year now. Maybe your school has another therapist you could see? But, don't give up. I was pretty depressed and was prescribed medicine. It took me a month before I gave in and took the medicine, but it has helped me deal immensely with all the issues be married to an addict has to offer.

I know I'm not the best person to offer advice, since I gave into my feelings and let my AH move back home. But, if you can learn from me, please do. I'm fairly sure AH has used since he's been back home, now all I have to do is figure out how to prove it, which is time consuming and emotionally draining, so I can make him leave. I could be using that time for me and/or my children. He's not really making any of our lives that much better. So, while I do have some good memories of him and even though I do love him; he's not going to change any time soon. I would bet that neither is your guy.

Do something for you. You can get past him. Go to class and do your best. Keep coming back and talking to us. We're all rooting for you!!

dollydo

"The truth is I just feel so alone. And when I was with him, I didn't. "

That's because dealing with an addict is all consuming, it is alot of drama and BS and we codies thrive on drama and the excitement of it all...that is what you are missing...all the drama.

Life is what you make it, the ball is in your court, until you decide to go no contact nothing will change, the fantasy thinking will continue. Not my rules, just how it works.

Fandy

Fens' I think you do better when you get angry....please remember how you worked your tush off and he spent all his $$ on drugs~not YOU. that's what real boyfriends do with 24 year old girlfriends. They take them OUT to dinner, movies and talk , they do things together and make plans. You are selling yourself short..this guy is going to be in prison for a a while, you can't even tell your parents you are seeing him. I would BET my most expensive perfume (that was a gift from my BF) he's got a real agenda for you...to keep you isolated and continue to control you. cos if he can do it by phone from prison (on your dime how sweet is that)? in person should be a walk in the park.

please open your eyes....you are"lonely" because you are living in this childish fantasy. I hope you will talk to family who will support you too.