Difficult day with contact from XABF
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
Difficult day with contact from XABF
Hi, I'm laid up recuperating from a ligament operation. I knew I'd find this hard as i had envisaged having the support of my xabf until our relationship ended a few months ago. But I'm grateful to have wonderful family and friends who are looking after me.
I should point out that any contact with x has not resulted in any verbal abuse or nastiness of any kind during or since our relationship. Aside from obvious effects of drinking, his problem was always routed in not facing up to responsibilities and ultimately selfishness. That said, I have recognised how contact is not helping me move on and is causing me pain as he is not capable while he drinks (and whole lot of related issues) of giving me the relationship I want or deserve. But I am not at a stage of wanting or needing to change my number or block his calls ... Yet.
Anyway, after failing miserably, I have been more successful lately at not getting sucked back into chit chat with x - I have not contacted him for several weeks since we discussed finalising some outstanding financial matters. On back of a messages with a purpose, when he had asked how I am, i have ignored it, which for me is progress! The day after my op he texted me something garbled (could be his dyslexic spelling but more likely alcohol induced) about caring about me blah blah. And despite being low, I ignored that too.
Today though he rang and I ignored call but listened to voicemail in case it was relating to the financial issue. It wasn't. Just him sounding sad, wanting to know how I was. He sounded sober but apprehensive. I felt immediately upset, I wanted to ring and tell him about my leg being in a cast, stupid stuff you tell the person you love. I know there is no point. He then texted the same message. So I waited which is how I deal with it these days, no emergency, no rush, til my feelings calmed down and I replied to tell him he knew the terms I had said I would be prepared to be in contact with him, he had my letter and nothing had changed and unless he had an update on outstsnding financisl issue, i asked him to respect my wishes. He replied to say he would. We will see.
I am rambling somewhat and feel indulgent as I realise I have not gone through half as much as some people on this forum who repeat NC NC NC clearly with good reason. But I guess I'm finding it hard to put myself first and let go of the dream. I don't want him to become abusive or mean but without those reactions, i find it harder to enforce NC even though I know it is kinder to me. I suppose I still feel sad for what we had and also sad for him, even though he did this to us, to himself. Feel really pathetic for being upset and not having a backbone. He knew I was having an op this month but hasn't asked so I know he isn't thinking of me, just himself. Not sure what I'm asking from this post, just wanted to vent snd write it where people understand. Thank you.
I should point out that any contact with x has not resulted in any verbal abuse or nastiness of any kind during or since our relationship. Aside from obvious effects of drinking, his problem was always routed in not facing up to responsibilities and ultimately selfishness. That said, I have recognised how contact is not helping me move on and is causing me pain as he is not capable while he drinks (and whole lot of related issues) of giving me the relationship I want or deserve. But I am not at a stage of wanting or needing to change my number or block his calls ... Yet.
Anyway, after failing miserably, I have been more successful lately at not getting sucked back into chit chat with x - I have not contacted him for several weeks since we discussed finalising some outstanding financial matters. On back of a messages with a purpose, when he had asked how I am, i have ignored it, which for me is progress! The day after my op he texted me something garbled (could be his dyslexic spelling but more likely alcohol induced) about caring about me blah blah. And despite being low, I ignored that too.
Today though he rang and I ignored call but listened to voicemail in case it was relating to the financial issue. It wasn't. Just him sounding sad, wanting to know how I was. He sounded sober but apprehensive. I felt immediately upset, I wanted to ring and tell him about my leg being in a cast, stupid stuff you tell the person you love. I know there is no point. He then texted the same message. So I waited which is how I deal with it these days, no emergency, no rush, til my feelings calmed down and I replied to tell him he knew the terms I had said I would be prepared to be in contact with him, he had my letter and nothing had changed and unless he had an update on outstsnding financisl issue, i asked him to respect my wishes. He replied to say he would. We will see.
I am rambling somewhat and feel indulgent as I realise I have not gone through half as much as some people on this forum who repeat NC NC NC clearly with good reason. But I guess I'm finding it hard to put myself first and let go of the dream. I don't want him to become abusive or mean but without those reactions, i find it harder to enforce NC even though I know it is kinder to me. I suppose I still feel sad for what we had and also sad for him, even though he did this to us, to himself. Feel really pathetic for being upset and not having a backbone. He knew I was having an op this month but hasn't asked so I know he isn't thinking of me, just himself. Not sure what I'm asking from this post, just wanted to vent snd write it where people understand. Thank you.
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