MTBChick

Hello all... It has been quite some time since I've posted. I first found SR back in 06 when my 5 year relationship with XABF ended. Life moved on I got better or so I thought. In that time I moved, bought a house, got a life, and even started dating again... Granted nothing that developed into a relationship, but to me that was OK b/c I wasn't going to settle. The best part I never think about the XABF I forgave a long time ago. So you might be wondering what brings me to currently feel crazy & ashamed. Well, 3 months ago I met a guy who I started dating and it developed into a relationship. I felt very comfortable with him so when things would come up I wasn't afraid to share with him my concerns in hopes we could work them out like "normal" couples would. Mainly, I thought it was wierd when we would talk he would ask me how my day was and I would respond oh it was OK or even it was stressful I had to deal with a student trying to escape the school building... And as soon as I would finish that sentence he would launch into well my day was XYZ and procedee to tell me all about his day. I tried to ask why he never asked me more questions and why he never asked about my life prior to meeting him. I shared that when others don't ask follow up questions I feel like they are not really listening and don't really care about what I have to say. I was told I'm nuts that he cares and that he gets to know people by listening and being around them for a while. Oh and that I was making a big deal out of nothing. I shared that I needed a communication partner who could ask me questions be available for that give and take conversation that otherwise I do shut down and stop talking. Anyway, at this point my little alarms are going off I knew something was a miss but couldn't put my finger on it. I end up taking him with me on a weekend trip with my friends. He ends up drinking an entire huge bottle of vodka by himself in the span of Friday to Sunday morning. My friends say to me hey he is either an alcoholic or depressed. He breaks up with me that Sunday then we get back together (stupid on my part I'm well aware!) stating that he misses me and all of that. I'm just watching going what is it why can't he step outside himself and hear where I'm coming from? Why can't he try and learn to communicate better if he truly likes and cares about me. Well I learn this week from him that he doesn't think he is an alcoholic but he is sure I would think he is bc he drinks every night anywhere from 4 to 14 or more drinks. Our convo ended with us ending things again and me lashing out at him with really hateful words. This is where I think I was triggered and old hurts came out at him. He asked me if all my relationships ended bc of my unrealistic demands regarding communication. So I feel ashamed at my lashing out and I feel crazy and questioning myself was I being unrealistic to want to be with a guy who will ask me questions and reflectively listen and I do the same? Am I unrealistic to want to be with a guy who will listen and validate my feelings and vice versa when there is conflict. I mean I was at the point where if I shared any feelings outside of I want you or your the greatest I would get met with your over reacting you need to get over it. After all of this he went and bought me new closet doors and left them at my house with the broken ones he was trying to fix. I've deleted him from my phone as well as FB. I don't plan to have any further contact with him. I just need either reassurance that I'm not crazy and that I'm not the one with communication problems (outside of learning to recognize when I've been triggered and walk away) or to be told yes I was being unreasonable. My gut tells me I got caught up in the world of an undiagnosed alcoholic.

Thanks for reading!
~MTBChick

Thumper

My opinion

Smart!

I do not think you are crazy and I think your communication expectations are perfectly normal and healthy.

I agree. Glad you moved on.

The fact that you felt so comfortable with him stood out for me. I was also comfortable with my xah when we first met. I was sort of getting to know two men at that time. My xah and another man. They were both similar in many ways. Kind, quiet, etc. I felt comfortable with one and never with the other. One was an alcoholic and one wasn't. That is important to figure out if I don't want to repeat that again. In my case the other man was interested in *me*. The real me, like a normal person. I suspect that was what made me uncomfortable. An alcoholic - as you just experienced - is not. You have enough recovery now to want the healthy thing. Maybe - and I might be way off base. Just sharing my history on that matter

ETA: No reason to feel ashamed! You've done nothing to be ashamed of and have acted in your own best interest!!

itsmylifenow

You have a need. That need is to be able to communicate with someone, have them hear you and respond to you and feel like you are being heard and understood.

That doesn't sound unreasonable to me at all.

Not everyone is a great communicator, but to have your needs seem unimportant and flippantly disregarded...well, that says to me it wouldn't be someone I'd want in my life anyways. Regardless of the drinking.

You deserve to be happy and have your needs met. That is nothing to be ashamed of.

Tuffgirl

I think your gut is onto something. Listen to it! So often, we ignore our instincts or talk ourselves out of them. Don't do that this time.

MTBChick

Thank you Thumper and Itsmylifenow :-). Thumper you are correct in that it's telling to me how quickly I felt so comfortable with him. He was telling me he loved me two weeks into knowing me. I kept saying you know nothing about me to really say you love me. I'm greatful for seeing this now as I can be more conscious of it in the future. Itsmylifenow, you are correct I do need and want that type of communication to be happy in a relationship. This guy just got into my head and planted seeds of doubt that such a guy who could provide this even exsisted. So, I wondered if a guy who could provide such communication exsisted or if I would be holding out for something that would never be found and thus I need to change. Bottom line my needs were not getting met and he didn't want to meet them in the way I needed. I'm just ashamed of the verbal throw up I dished out at him. I don't do that or I should say haven't in over 6 years last time was with XABF lol that's telling to say the least. Thank you so much for your responses!

ZiggyB

Hmm, if he was really drinking that much he probably knows he is the one with the problem but was trying to find reasons to put all the blame on you, to make you feel guilty and to sucker you back in. Seriously I would just leave this guy without a second thought and not look back.

I know how you feel though, I did lash out at my axbf a few times in anger. Honestly he would always be the one to start these incidents but I certainly got sucked in. I feel ashamed and guilty whenever I get angry but I certainly took all of his anger and sucked it up.

WishingWell

Put the focus back on yourself. Read books on how to be emotionally healthy.

This is just my opinion, from a woman in her 50's who's been around these streets before. :-) Listen to it or toss it out.

This really isn't about him, it's about you. If we do the deep work on ourselves that we need, we attract and pick healthier people in our lives. When we see the warning signs we easily move aside. When we come from a healthy place inside, there is less conflict in us about who should be in our life or who shouldn't. We know. If we don't clean up and heal our own inner demons we are left to a life of constantly choosing wrong and hurtful relationships. That includes men we pick and also women friends we pick.

There is a wonderful Maya Angelou quote that I always keep in my mind because it's true ", "When people show you who they are, believe them."

And they always do! As we also show other people who we are.

MTBChick

Wishingwell I agree with you there are certainly things I am now aware of with myself that I thought I had worked through but obviously had not. I don't intend to speak with or get back together with this man. That wasn't what my issue/problem was. I also think I'm far better off in my life than I was six years ago. Back then I would have stayed in the relationship with my XABF rather than walking away. This time I recognized an unhealthy person quickly and wanted out quickly. I don't think 2.5 months is all that bad to realize or see a person for who they really are. I will always attract both healthy and unhealthy people into my life I tend to quickly cut the unhealthy loose and stick to being around the healthy. I'm a compassionate person it goes with my job teaching children with moderate and sever disabilities. What I have learned is that I don't have to let those who are that unhealthy have my time and energy. I feel bad for the verbal throw up but not for wanting a healthy relationship and for ending it bc he is not the right guy to provide it. I also think the universe was testing me to see if this time I would really walk away you know wanting to see if I really learned anything from the last one. I think I have :-)

Titanic

The Force was with You!! Go in peace child!

WishingWell

It's all a journey. We get healthier bit by bit as we focus on our own growth. The healthier we get the less these speed bumps effect us.

If we're really working on ourselves, we can only get "there" when we get there. Sometimes inner evolution goes at its own pace. One experience, one inner learning at a time.

Just keep learning, keep looking inside - if you can see progress you know you're on the right path.

Anon12

This is my pet hate too - people who don't ask questions or do the minimum so they can say they asked but don't hang about to listen. Good for you voicing your concerns - his reaction tells you he is the unreasonable one, not you.

As for anger and lashing out - I'm going through guilt on this but realising the anxiety and stress if living with an a has to come out somewhere. Have I wished I'd handled situations differently, sometimes but I did the best I could in the circumstances.

I think you had a narrow escape. I hope I can work my radar as well as you when I'm ready to date.

MTBChick

I think in time your radar Anon will go off right away and you will be able to see. With the XABF I dated for 5 years most of our relationship was long distance (he was military) and when together he never drank around me. I learned to tell when he was hammered by his voice on the phone. He was just basically emotionally unavailable I never saw the falling down drunkenness if I had I would have certainly had no problem walking away. Instead I delt with the man who couldn't emotionally let me in or be there fully for me. If I'm to be honest with myself that's where my issue with myself is. I love my parents to death, but I am unable to have an extremely close relationship with them. Why because when I go to talk to my parents particularly my mom she can't be there to just listen and to just hear me. Her response to everything is get over it etc. So, since my relationship 6 years ago I have learned to have a relationship with my parents that respects my boundaries and where I dont always walk away upset. I'm OK with that as I love them and I know they love me. Where I think I stopped working/growing or thought I was unaffected was/is in my relationships. Obviously, I'm reacting to a man who acts similar to how I used to enter act with my parents wanting them to see me & hear me. When they don't b/c they can't I get that crazy feeling. Light bulb moment I now know I have to keep reminding myself in those moments that I'm being triggered and that I don't need to be validated by them. All I have to do to feel validated about the person I am is to look at all the friends I do have in my life, to look at all that I have achieved, to look at the faces of my 13 students who I teach everyday and help to lead more independent lives... That is enough for me to feel validated. I'm rambling but last point my radar goes off very quickly when I see active drinking that is out of control and when I see how it affects there lives as in sleeping all day etc. that I have zero tolerance for.... Now the radar still needs work when I can't see the drinking if that makes any sense.

BlueSkies1

Exactly...your mother still isn't there for you, and you have that natural desire to want to try to *fix* that relationship. You now know better--it ain't gonna happen.
Her response to everything is to get over it--may sound a lot like the ex from years ago, but guess who else it sounds like? The recent ex!
You have picked people who diminish you. You are learning to *unpick* them also. Now the real work comes in...how do you respect yourself enough that you don't pick those who diminish you in the first place?
Watch how they talk about others very early on. They will diminish others in their life, or simply diminish the cashier, the waitress, etc.
Your picker is broken because your parents didn't instill confidence and self-respect in you. No doubt they suffer from this themselves.
Now to say to yourself--I am worth it...not only feeling good about your students, etc., but to choose a man one day that doesn't disrespect and diminish others.
You're probably a very giving person who has been taught to put themselves second, and accept less-than, from those less-than parents.
The work comes in unlearning that. You can do this!