seek

Realizing that I have based my life on trusting untrustworthy people - when they are your children and grandchild, it can catch you off-guard.

I did not actively teach my children the value of loyalty and to be trustworthy. I thought they would learn by osmosis, I guess. One of my biggest regrets, but I have many.

As a 60-something grandma, it has been devastating that my family has all but disintegrated due to the trauma that has unfolded the last several months (alcoholism, rehab, sober living, court).

The family has split up and it is very painful. I am virtually alone. My grandson is my closest relative, but he is alcoholic.

When you love untrustworthy people, if they are actively dysfunctional, you can't have peace. If you detach, in my case, then you are left with NOTHING . . . no one - no people. It is very lonely.

Hopefully, there is a reason for all of this that will benefit us all.

In the meantime, I am doing the best I can - trying to recover from all of the stress and trauma.

I realize that because my grandson is an alcoholic, I can never have trust that there will be stability and sobriety - and without sobriety, there is trouble . . .and where there is trouble, there is chaos and trauma and grief.

No matter what my state of mind (good, bad, or indifferent) I CARE whether or not my grandson is sober - and as long as I care, I can suffer and cannot trust that he will not drink. How can you have a relationship with people you cannot trust? People who don't care if your health is affected by their actions? There is something wrong with a picture where one person cares, but the other does not. I guess it is homeostatis of some kind at work - parts in a system seeking balance.

Learn2Live

Seek, I think I hear you blaming yourself for what has happened to your family. I doubt very seriously that you are at fault for other grown adults' decisions, actions, or behavior.

I completely understand the loneliness. I don't have the answer. I effectively have no family. I read something the other day: Friends are the family you choose.

Hypatia

In a more general way, we do it all the time. Banks don't just immediately hand out money when we want to get a mortgage or a loan. Stores often have electronic detectors and human detectives to ensure people don't leave with goods they haven't paid for, and insurance doesn't automatically pay out every claim. Employers ask for references, and universities want high school transcripts and test results. I don't resent them for not simply trusting me.

I also wouldn't trust my family physician to fix my home water heating system, but I do trust him to check my own plumbing. Nobody would trust me to win the Boston marathon no matter how much I started training, but a dog walk is easily accomplished. And if my best friend isn't feeling well then I have no trouble cancelling plans and don't resent her for just wanting to stay home all day.

The problem lies with our own expectations. The trick for me is to take a very honest look at friends and relatives and adjust my expectations to the reality of the current situation - just like I do with the rest of the people in my life.

seek

It's just hard when you feel rejected or scapegoated.

I have one kid who is most likely alcoholic, and some more who are hard drinkers (post all kinds of pictures of booze on FB - and they are in their thirties and forties!) and then my alcoholic grandson . . .so, if I look at it logically, it makes sense that they don't like me and rejected me because I am not a big boozer. My kids are also in a lot of denial and I try to address things directly, which they don't like. But it still hurts when you are rejected.

If I had a bunch of other people who liked/loved me, it would still hurt, but it wouldn't be so bad. As it is now, it is very isolating. Not sure what the solution is for me. Trying to "find my tribe," but it has been very elusive so far.

I do blame myself for not teaching my children certain values, overtly. It might not have made any difference, but if I could do it over again, I would change many things. I do forgive myself for being imperfect . . . but like lots of kids, they probably have legitimate resentments for things I did and didn't do in their childhoods.

Titanic

It is NOT your fault. You didn't cause their alcoholism. You are suffering the plight of an alcoholic's grandparent and parent. Many feel guilty about their parenting, but it is only a feeling, NOT a fact.

Go to an Al-Anon meeting as soon as you can, especially one for parents. Al-Anon has a new reprint of articles for Parents of Alcoholics. See their on-line store (one buck) or get it at a meeting. There are online articles for parents on their website. Read Al-Anon's book "Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses" where it talks about the guilt over prior parenting. Take care of You. Connect. Meet with other parents face-to-face! Peace

seek

Thank you. I appreciate your generosity of spirit. I wish you peace and joy, as well.

seek

Getting back to the subject . . . I did have certain expectations and perceptions of my family members . . . I somehow thought that family would "always have your back," and that people, if exposed to ideas about healthy living, would always opt for healthy living. I also thought that if I was healthier than my parents, and more aware than my parents, it would stand to reason my kids would be at least as aware as me, if not more-so. So seeing people choose ill-health and dysfunction, is mind-boggling.

I also had no clue that under stress, my kids could or would turn on me like a pack of wild animals. I am still perplexed about how it serves them to make me the enemy (and in the meantime, taking the focus off my grandson and off of themselves). I "get" that people need/want to blame - but what is unbelievable is that they have somehow agreed to blame me . . . that is really bizarre to me. I suspect the answer is some kind of resentment of their own issues related to me combined with sibling rivalry related to my grandson (as I had much more time to spend with him and was very present in his life from the sidelines . . .his mom - the suspected alcoholic child of mine was extremely disrespectful to me and taught him that . . .but I didn't know the others also shared the wrath) . . .

So I TRUSTED all of them . . .I trusted that my grandson would grow up to be a healthy young man . . . wow - that was a shocker, beyond all shockers. I never saw any overt displays of alcoholism - never saw him drink, ever. He did have problematic behavior which I chalked up to adolescence and his upbringing.

I TRUSTED my kids to love me and to treat me kindly - I cannot tell you how shocked I am that they don't love me and that they were capable of being so hateful. I am not sure how I can possibly recover from that. If it was just one kid, I might be able to be ok - but all of them . . .it makes me feel like there is a consensus based on something I did that I have no clue about.

I have racked my brain and I know what my short-comings are and behaviors I have displayed that have annoyed or irritated them - but I never dreamed the punishment would be ostracism, shunning, scapegoating, and attacking.

I HAVE to recover from this massive assault on my self-esteem. If I had a "tribe" I would go to them for comfort. If there were "wise people" in my tribe, I would go to them for advice . . .as it stands now, I am in survival mode - and it feels like they don't care if I die and in my worst moments, I don't care either (but then I realize I COULD be happy if I COULD find a way to retain some self-esteem) . . .

About the issue of trust: I don't know what I would have done differently - the only thing I can think of is instead of looking at each circumstance and not seeing a pattern, I could have paid more attention to see the big picture. In that sense, I was very naive - but like I said, I thought my kids loved me - I trusted that they did love me and that they would not purposely hurt me - or if they did hurt me, that they would care and would try to make amends. Maybe all of them are alcoholics - who knows . . .I am thoroughly confused about my so-called "family" at this point.

CentralOhioDad

L2L - I'm right there with you, I also don't have a family. I'm related to people, but can't/don't call them family. I have some very dear, close friends that I consider my family, and for them I am so grateful.

Learn2Live

The family issue is a recurring theme here on SR, especially around the holidays. I feel as though I have spent my entire life wandering the earth looking for someone to be my family, the perpetual orphan. It's too sad when I think about it so I try not to think about it, but this thread has me thinking about it.

I don't have many close friends, hardly any at all. Honestly, being an ACOA, I don't really know what it means to be close friends. Because those I get close to abandon me for whatever reason. I think because I am so clueless about what it is friends are supposed to do with one another. I learned long ago that "friends" party with one another, drink heavily, and laugh at all the drunken antics. I've still not learned the healthy alternative. I do know I liked college because there, for the first time in my life, I was surrounded by thousands of people who were struggling through the same thing, had the same goal (to graduate).

AXBF was my family. Now he is gone. It is horrible, heartbreaking, to lose your family all over again.

Tuffgirl

This entire paragraph is an unreasonable expectation of other people. It may help to come to acceptance with that, and go from there.

Maybe the people who choose your definition of "ill-health and dysfunction" don't believe they are choosing that at all. They may think they are on their right path and who are you to judge that? *Musing here, not a direct finger-point to you*

I thought for a long time the way you did about people "choosing dysfunction" until I realized that most people don't choose anything. They just are. It is what they know, and they aren't comfortable with change. My therapist calls it being "comfortably miserable". Some people have personalities that make them this way, and to become something different requires some fundamental personality changes, which takes a long time.

So then it came back to me - could I accept the dysfunction? And on what terms? And for each relationship, those terms look completely different.

And on being lonely - I don't have many friends (being a single mother isn't always conducive to friendships) and I am somewhat close to certain members of my family. I have fleeting moments of feeling lonely, but they are feelings and they pass. I know when the time comes that I am ready to pursue other relationships, it will happen, be it male or female. My life just works that way. I'll get interested in a hobby and meet like minded people, or I'll reconnect with old friends, and so on. But for now, being isolated is my way of healing, and accepting this makes it so much easier to let those feelings pass me by.

seek

I guess I am grieving the loss of my innocence and my family. It is not something I am going to be able to easily get over.

seek

The problem is that if I could not expect people I love - my family - to be loving and functional, then my world is not predictable or safe and it is difficult to operate in an unsafe personal world on a daily basis - so it is an idealistic problem, and a practical problem. Now, if I need something or have a real serious problem, there is no one I can call. I always felt I could could on them before, and vice-versa - but now I can't. It's a really terrible feeling.

Hypatia

What seems dysfunctional for one person may be completely rational and functional for another. Having lived in several different countries and experienced different cultures, I have seen all sorts of interesting ways of doing things which wouldn't work for me but seem to work fine for other people.

Here in Germany I have had to make a few adjustments not only to my thinking but also my lifestyle. There are a few customs, traditions, and even actual laws which have necessitated that I make a few changes to how I do things. A few I find quite silly and would never do in the US, but as long as I continue to live here then it makes my life a lot easier to just accept the reality of my situation and also accept that folks here think a bit differently than I do.

It isn't wrong for them, and shouldn't be wrong for me. It is just different. I can to a certain extent do things how I like, while the rest of the Germans around me do things how they like. As long as none of us are breaking any German laws then they must accept my weird, strange, eccentric and even exotic ways, and I must accept their weird, strange, eccentric and even exotic ways.

Funnily enough, I consider myself quite normal, and so do they. It is all a matter of perspective. The Germans I get along with the best are those who don't keep trying to turn me into a traditional German woman but are prepared to simply accept me the way I am. And in return I don't try to stop them from acting German.

Live and let live is the only way I can function when living in another culture. Otherwise I'd be spending all my time getting upset and trying to figure out why.

----------------
Oh, a quick addition. I have adopted a few "germanisms" simply because they work for me. My father got extremely irritated and upset with me last year as a result of my different and changed views. He feels betrayed that I haven't stuck with "his" world view and perspective. I told him that I was sorry he felt that way but that I wasn't going to change just to please him. That was the last conversation we've had in over a year. He chose to break off contact with me because he could not accept the person I have become. Guess I'm not Daddy's little girl any more.

Learn2Live

Thank you for this entire post Tuffgirl. I really NEEDED this today.

Tuffgirl

I understand this and have felt the same way- but the world is not predictable nor safe. However, we (individually), can be. That's the key... being able to meet our own needs for predictability and safety. Being able to roll with every day, be it a good one or not. Living in the present, not dwelling on the past or worrying about the future.

I remember the first time my Mom had a significant mental episode and was checked out of reality for months. I felt like an orphan. But now, when it happens, I can detach, and take care of myself without feeling as if I have lost some kind of anchor. I am my own anchor, if that makes sense. I have faith that all will be well, and enough years of living under my belt to recognize it usually is in the end.

seek

EFT for anger about betrayal and unfairness - YouTube

I need to do the above video 100 times! It does help.

lillamy

Maybe this is sideways from the discussion but... I waited so long. I waited to meet the man of my dreams. I waited to have a family. I waited for us to get stabilized. It never happened. And in retrospect, while there are many good memories, I really regret all the waiting I did. For something (always something) to become perfect so I could sit back and enjoy.

I'm in a similar mood now. I've been waiting for several aspects of my life to come together. Saying to myself subconsciously, "when this happens, then I can start living." Well, those aspects won't come together. And I've spent time feeling really ALONE and lonely. And disappointed.

And then I sat in a work meeting last week where we realized that the joint venture kind of project we had envisioned wouldn't happen. I was frustrated and trying to force it and find a way to make our partners do what we needed them to do when my boss waved his hands in the air to stop me and said, "So -- what can we do on our own, right now?" and that just floored me. There it was. The answer to my private woes, too.

What can I do, right now, on my own, to enjoy the right now?
My old Buddhist coworker used to try to tell me that it's our expectations that lead to our disappointments. I think I finally sort of understand, from the inside, what he meant.

Hypatia

Chocolate?

seek

I think I got a smidgeon of insight into my "problem," which I will post on another thread.

On this thread, I will add that there is a part of me that is very innocent and does not tend to notice danger and hence I sometimes do not protect myself.

I think it is "normal" to think that one's own children can be trusted, but sometimes they can't be trusted AND I have to come to terms with that. It is painful and sobering (no pun intended).